Running up hills

2011-03-14T13:33:41Z

Last week we buried Phil, and his mum - they died within a week of each other, both from liver cancer. Phil's primary cancer was bowel, but it had spread to his liver. His mum was only diagnosed a few weeks ago.

Two funerals in one week is a lot for anyone, but it has left me completely numb. I dreaded Phil's funeral especially. The thought of showing my grief in front of all those people was horrendous. I found myself thanking everyone for coming at the end like some mad society hostess. However, it was a lovely ceremony, and his friend Garry's eulogy was amazing. It perfectly captured Phil's spirit and personality.

However, I did take a lot of comfort in the end from all those people showing up to pay tribute. And we collected over £400 for the Sue Ryder hospice who looked after Phil in his last few days. This is just the start of our fundraising activities, and a group of us are already planning to take part in a local event this summer to raise more money. Unfortunately this will involve running up and down hills with a straw bale and downing a pint at each of the five pubs along the way. As someone who doesn't drink beer, or do much exercise, I am slightly worried about my ability to do this, however, my training starts this afternoon, and I know the thought of me even attempting this would have amused Phil greatly.

Thanks to all the people who left lovely messages after my last post, just writing these thoughts down and hearing from people in the same position seems cathartic somehow.

It's all new

2011-03-06T20:47:12Z

My fiance died on wednesday, which is four days ago. It feels completely unreal right now, and I feel like I have to share. Some of you may find what I write uncomfortable or hard, but I hope you all understand.

We were due to get married in April, but Phil went downhill very quickly. He was admitted to a hospice on Monday, and we pulled the wedding forward to Friday. Wednesday he took a big turn for the worse, and the hospice quickly organised a special license to get married Wednesday. Unfortunately, even thought the registrars were there in two hours, ready to go, Phil wasn't able to speak the vows and we were never married.

We knew his illness was terminal, and that he was porrly after a ruptured bowel in November, but he felt he could and desperately wanted to hang on. Already some people have commented on why we wanted to get married, and why we still tried to do this as he was dying. This was Phil's last wish, and my biggest worry is that he worried in his last moments. He panicked that he would let me down, but all he did was show me bravery and courage and dignity for the last 12 months. I want to say to anyone that may be in this situation, do exactly what feels right for you, but do'nt hang on, cos some things can never be changed. I hope that Phil can read this, and hear me telling him every day he didn't let me down, only made me proud.

Phil McCrackin

Running up hills

It's all new