Phil54x2's blog

The Devestation

2009-10-23T05:52:22Z

Thank you everyone who commented on my first two bloggs.

My life has just become a nightmare as I lost my dear wife Liz on Monday afternoon19th October.

I lay in bed with her for 48 hours, only moving to allow nurses to do their marvelous work and change her driver,

She seemed to deteriorate rapidly over the previous weekend as the reallity started to hit home I became so selfishly upset.....

I held her head on my arm and held each hand as I constantly chatted to her every second of those final 2 days, occasional responses to memories gave me comfort as the coincidental timing was perfect.

my 2 sons of 25 and 29 were so strong and helpful as we ensured Liz remained at home in the very best of comfort and care .

My 34 years marriage to her has not affected my intense Love for her, I litterally worship the ground she walked, the air she would breath, her every word, her wonderful smile, her menacing frown.....

Her pain has gone leaving mine to begin again....my life has a missing link, my sadnes is unexplainable, My huge support by friends and family still doesn't satisfy this incredible lonliness.

I look at her bag of drugs we attacked 4 times a day, now standing untouched for over 2 weeks, her clothes hange motionless in her neatly organised wardrobes, I see the sadness as new reduced size clothes recently purchased spark the memories of a struggle round Marks and Spencers.

Her beautifull smell wafts arround the whole house triggering constant tears to redden my cheeks with a tenderness of heartache attatched.

My support is strong, my family is doing anything to keep me occupied with insignificant discussion that seems to muffle in the background....my sons are hurting too, but they never take their eyes off me, passing me a never ending supply of tissues.

The speed of the end is too fast, Registration, Funeral arrangements, Insurance,..It all seems so obscene.

My fight to earn is over, I question my love of gardening, did I like gardening, YES....... I did it for Liz....... I enjoyed making her happy, but now.......whats the point ? maybe things will change,,,,, so I am constantly informed....but it doesn't change how I feel right now.......

Thank you all for support and even laughter on these sites, its been a massive comfort as it actually helps not to be the only one.

God Bless you all

GOD BLESS LIZ

Past the deadline

2009-10-04T16:32:10Z

prognosis 6 to 10 weeks....14 weeks ago.

We have our own business, lots of hard work, a partnership business of over 20 years, its been a long and somewhat pointless struggle.....

Liz still comes to work, to manage her position as practice manager she is the up-front face with a smile.....its still there, but oh so much pain behind it.

She would rather be at work than at home, although her steroidel moon face and nipped brow say different.

My constant eye trained on her every move, I know that she suffers breathing all the time......( I want a word with this Chain Stokes fella)

I must get her home as soon as possible,

She is now very concerned at the way she looks, her original weight of 10.5 stone is long gone,

8.5 stone fully clothed, her tears drip down her face each morning after the ritual step on the scales, I try to make light of the skin and bone by assuring her she isn't a size zero yet.....(but...is she?)

I help her dress, hopefully she doesn' realise I'm fussing, cassually passing just as she is trying to put a sock on.....what a coincidence...

I am more tied than she , I finish each evening by preparing her tablet pot.

30 minutes TV before our friend Chain Stokes starts again,, my experience tells me to give her the Lorazapan.......then her eyes begin to roll.....the night has started.

My long night has started, as I hold her hand for the next 6-7 hours, listening to the sound of life.....!!!!! Watching the now futile uncontrolable twitching. wishing that was the only problem.

counting the long seconds of silence when the breathing stops......waiting for it to start again,......I pray about 20 times per night.....is this so silly, I love the daylight,.........

Liz sits up......my thanks to God for another day, although it may be heartwrenching...........give me more,,,loads more.

I smile and tell her not to be so upset, its absolutely nothing, as she again sheds a tear, sorrowfully looking back at the wet bedsheets where she lay, its nothing I keep saying to her, its only a bit of washing,,,,,don't worry.......

It dosen't take us long,,,,,,washed, dressed, tablets, breakfast,,,,,,,and another smile..........

I love her so much.....

Oh God why ?

beating the deadline

2009-09-20T21:44:43Z

After 18 months of this daily struggle, my wife is now in the unknown....literaly.!

Treatment is now finished......appart from pain releif, and steroids..

Her Kidney Cancer mets have taken nearly all of her two lungs.

At the last Clinic, and after a chest x-ray ...I was told of her fast failing lungs.

Liz left the room as she always has, and left me to get the results....

The picture on the computer screen showing 2 white lungs and the odd black spot.......The black bits are the good bits.....I was told.

Prognosis........6 to 10 weeks...........we are now starting our 11th week since then.

Liz...as usuall.....doesn't know

She struggles the daily pain, with a daily routine of tablets, and a daily routine of questions.

She struggles the daily routine of worry, fright,

She puts on the brave front, and sinks into her private world of hope, pinning her recovery on my reasurance and control...

The problem is....I'm a liar....

I have a terrible secret, I keep it from her, because I love her.

I have been told of a prognosis that I don't want to believe.....the shelf life of my dearest posession.

The symptoms are hitting us fast and furious now...cold feet, cold hands, loss of urine control, terrible dispea, confusion, pain beyond any drug help, sleeping mostly and only sat up. Cheyne Stoke Breathing.

Optimism..........Is the finest treatment of all.....

Because...I can still get Liz to smile..!!!