one day at a time's blog

finally something to smile about after a tearful, stressful day xx

2009-09-01T22:08:17Z

hi i just wanted to say i am absolutely over the moon i can't believe that something positive has actually happened in my life (i know that sounds quite negative) but if any one has read my previous blogs i feel as though my family has been through it since april. the good news i have had is my mum's endoscopy today showed nothing sinister NO CANCER which is fantastic. it has been a really stressful day, going back into the gastro clinic so soon after my dad passed away (he was diagnosed and treated there) it was hard me and my mum had lots of weepy moments in the waiting room, kissing her before her procedure the flood gates opened and again when my mum came out to me a couple of hours later and told me she was ok we both just let that relief take over and stood there crying, i think the other ten or so relatives and patients must of thought we were a bit odd though lol. bed time now i think i need a good sleep i am helping my mum to sought all my dads things out tomorrow, another hard day but i suppose its part of the grieving process? thankyou to everybody who has been my support and shoulder to cry on you are all amazing i am thinking of you all sending peace and hugs love tracy xx

feeling numb please advise, help, listen?

2009-08-18T00:24:37Z

hi all, i just wondered i know were all different and we cope different but my dad passed away on thursday morning i loved my dad very much and i am glad i listened to lots of you on here (i started to tell him i loved him about 2 weeks before he died). whats bothering me is that i'm feeling numb i am totally in a daze, i haven't showed any emotion yet, if i think about my dad i feel like a shutter is being pulled down infront of my brain to prevent me from the truth? everybody else is crying and i appear to be totally hard faced, i am becoming upset because i am not upset. i just feel as though i am dreaming. is this a normal emotion? am i likely to breakdown later or does anybody think i am getting the strength to look after my mum and brother. hugs and peace love tracy xx.

dad passed away

2009-08-14T16:28:58Z

i never expected to be writing this so soon, i thought i was coping quite well and that when it eventually happened i would be very well prepared, but i think i was only just coming to terms with the diagnosis, my special dad survived 3 months and 2 days since his gastroscopy (the day of diagnosis). on wednesday night i gave him some oral pain relief kissed him goodnight and told him i loved him, so did my older brother, we were staying with my mum and dad because he was so poorly, it was just like old times just the four of us. at 7am my mum woke us both up and said my dad had slept through the night but he had become quite agitated and clammy, the 3 of us sat holding his hands and played his favourite music whilst crying and talking to him, he was unconcious but very agitated as i'm a nurse i was able to nurse him at home and give him the appropriate pain relief injections and nursing care required. he passed away at 10.25 yesterday morning it was very peaceful. as a family we were very lucky we had managed to keep my dad at home (he hated hospitals with a passion). i am now just suffering the trauma i think every time i close my eyes all i can see is him dying in the chair, (my mum used to say to him you will die in that bloody reclining chair) and he did.i am longing to remember what he looked like before he became so poorly, i am trying to stay strong for my mum and if i bite my lip any more i am sure i will need sutures in it. throughout this 3 months i have had very rational thinking my dad was lucky enough to survive bowel cancer 7 years ago so we have had him around for that extra time, also all of you on here have kept me going with all your support and kind words, there are so many of you suffering and i send you all peace and hugs love tracy xx

happy birthday is it?

2009-08-09T22:48:42Z

hi its my birthday today i am 36 wow, i am a little tipsy after my 3 glasses of rose (i don't drink very often) i have had an awful day my dad is so poorly in the last week he has had his stent fitted but has deteriated fast, his orriginal oesophagus tumour has managed to spread to his liver and lungs, he now has ascites looking 9 months pregnant, and he is pleasantly confused he can take approx 20 steps he is so breathless. as my sister in law is his cancer specialist she has told us that he is now in the end stage and has approx 4 weeks to live. so i really didn't feel like celebrating my birthday, i put on a brave face all day for the sake of the children and was so pleased when they forgot to sing happy birthday to me because i knew i would spend the whole song balling my eyes out because my number one man my dad is certain to not be here next year. its been a hard week, this week apart from my dad my sister in law had an emergency appendisectomy, i have had a brain scan awaiting results i have also had an echo of my heart and i have a hole in it (my husband said he put that there with his bow and arrow lol) i keep telling myself that there are so many people who are worse off than me and i send you all peace and hugs tracy xx sorry if i have ranted and waffled maybe its the wine? xx

if it doesn't rain it pours

2009-08-03T16:41:10Z

i have just spoken to my mum my dads stent is insitu it was put in this afternoon he is taking sips of water and looking forward to getting up and about so thats really good news, he hasn't had a drink since saturday so he is enjoying the water. i don't know if i have mentioned it before but my sister in law is my dads temporary oncology specialist nurse and she is fab, not just with my dad but everyone she go's that extra mile for all her patients, one of the nurses (my dads) is off sick with stress so my sister in law has taken over her patients as well as her own so now she has lung cancer patients and gi tract patients, but unfortunately today she was rushed in for an emergency appendicectomy so she is devastated that her patients will suffer for the next few weeks whilst she recoups. i suppose a slight positive for me selfish i know but i have her 3 children so with my 3 i will be extremely busy, i have to be stronger and really take one day at a time. my dad is on one ward and my sister inlaw is on the opposite ward, i really hope it doesn't come in three's 2 op's for today is plenty. thanks for all your cyber support it really is keeping me going hugs and peace to you all tracy xx

hurray doctors working through his lunch hour putting a stent in my dad

2009-08-03T09:48:28Z

my dad had deteriated fast yesterday he couldn't even swallow his own saliva doctors think he has a blockage in his stomach/oesophagus, so he is going in today 12.15 to have a stent fitted they aren't even going to do a stretch dialation first? straight for the stent. i saw him this morning and he looks gastly as would be expected. he has lost 12 pounds in 3 weeks. my mum isn't doing too well either i thought she was doing great and then a week ago i realised she had been in denial and it has only just sunk in with her, its really hard i am trying to stay strong but its all happening far too quickly if someone had of said in may when he was diagnosed that he would be so poorly now i would never have believed it, he was so well back in may anyhow hopefully later on he will be able to have something to drink i am just on pins when they look inside they may well find something else? more spread? thanks for reading tracy xx

oesophagus stent or stretch? please help with any info also coping mechanisms please as tearful wreck thanks xx

2009-07-23T00:22:06Z

Hi I was wondering if anyone knows anything or has had any good or bad experiences with either a stent or having oesophagus stretched? my dads deteriating fast, he isn't on treatment anymore as he is terminal so there just looking at keeping him comfy and as his food has started to get stuck again they have mentioned stretching his gullet first and then a couple of weeks later putting a stent in place? he has lost 4 pounds this week, he is an awful colour and I can't get my head around how quick all this is happening, from the unknown and being fit to this has taken 8 weeks, thankyou all I am hoping someone can help me find my positive mental attitude or at least give me some tips on coping thanks again Tracy xx

update on my dad's oesophagus not good

2009-07-16T22:15:12Z

I haven't really been on here much but I have spent a lot of time reading everybody's blogs and profiles etc, I have gained a lot of inspiration and positiveness from you all, you are truly all amazing, is that a side effect (symptom) of cancer once you are diagnosed you become true angels, the nicest people ever? not saying you weren't nice before but I have never met so many lovely people in one place before. Anyhow an update on my dad, he had his scan results today after his 3 cycles of chemo and after feeling terrible for 9 weeks, the chemo has been stopped because he has spread from his glands to his liver now, so he is being built up by steroids for a month and then reviewed again in clinic. So bad news, we knew there was no cure but we had hoped for a bit longer, no time limit has been given but if he isn't on treatment I would be guessing it will be a matter of months? love and hugs to you all Tracy xx

CHEMO DOES IT EVER GET ANY EASIER?

2009-07-11T22:08:07Z

HI EVERYBODY I WAS JUST WONDERING MY DAD IS HAVING ECX FOR OESOPHAGUS CANCER WHICH HAS SPREAD TO HIS LYMPH GLANDS SO HE IS INOPERABLE, HE IS TO HAVE 6 CYCLES HE HAS ALMOST FINISHED HIS 3 CYCLE. THE 1ST CYCLE HE WAS PRETTY GOOD, 2ND CYCLE REALLY NAUSEUS AND TIRED MOST OF THE TIME. THIS 3RD CYCLE HE IS VERY NAUSEUS ALL THE TIME AND REALLY WEAK AND TIRED. HE HAS BEEN TAKING CYCLIZINE FOR HIS SICKNESS AS DOMPERIDONE DIDN'T WORK, HE HAS ALSO TRIED GINGER AND ELDERFLOWER BUT THEY DON'T DO ANYTHING. HAS ANYONE GOT ANYTHING DIFFERENT TO ADVISE? THE WAY ITS GOING HIS 4TH CYCLE WILL BE WORSE AGAIN, I CAN'T STAND SEEING HIM LIKE THIS. I KNOW THER ARE SO MANY PEOPLE ON HERE IN THE SAME BOAT AS HIM AND I REALLY FEEL FOR ALL OF YOU XX AND FOR THE CARERS AND FAMILY ON HERE AS WELL SENDING YOU ALL CYBER HUGS THANKS IN ADVANCE FOR YOUR HELP TRACY XX