nanny.b

the next step !!!

2011-08-10T03:39:44Z

So, we have had the ear wax removed today. Olive oil and Sodium Bicarbonate has helped greatly to soften things, sucked quite a bit out of his good ear (deaf in it, but still refered as good ear as he doesnt have pain in it) and bad ear wasnt that mucky. Carma.....lovely name and lovely lady....said it is the RT that has caused all the problem with the ear, and it has probably contributed to the vertigo. Back in 4months, S.B to be used only once a week. So thats out the way for a while now.

Next step is to get him into see the GP about the vertigo, I know you can be given pills for it as I had it about 12yrs ago but again Im hitting a brick wall with Dave. He has this phobia about taking pills.....not that he cant swallow them, its more to do with having to rely on them........oh I could bloody batter him at times.

1. onc appointments now put to 3monthly

2. ear appointments 4monthly

3. counselling weekly

So at the moment we are still on the up with regards to what has been going on in his neck and ear......vertigo to be checked..........as for inside his head, he only knows and I have faith in Cat (his counseller) that she can help him sort it out.

Was having a positive day today, was in a great mood when we left the hospital. Took a joint present over to daughter and son-in-law this afternoon as its their birthdays, all having a lovely happy time when the phone rings...........a life long friend passed away, very sad. We are at that age when all we seem to hear is the passing of a friend, it then brings you back down to earth with a bit of a bang and the realisation of who is next !!!!!!!!

Daves onc appointment after ultra sound...

2011-08-06T07:44:35Z

Thought I had better update you all,......................... been so wrapped up with unsuccessful curtain making and catching up on others blogs I had forgotten to let you know about the outcome of Daves appointment.

As you know his ultra sound showed no cancer YEAH!! So we went back to see consultant on Tuesday 2nd Aug to find out what else was found, if anything. It turns out that he has three stitches left inside his neck.....they have been zapped by the RT so have not dissolved..........could still be there in 6yrs according to the consultant.

The LUMP was infact scar tissue and lots of it...............there would be, being as he looked like zippy after the op, cut from ear to ear. Anyway we now have the ear wax extraction next Tues, blood pressure check on Wed, counselling for the depression on Thur........... so another busy week in our house as he still cant drive because of the vertigo which will not be treated until after Tues.....

So all in all we are OK and plodding along with our lives like the rest of you wonderful people.

Thanks for always being there when I need you xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Inanimate Objects !!!!!!!! not cancer

2011-07-27T07:17:28Z

I have heard this word used for many years by our old friend Russ (he will be so pleased he has been published :) ) Usually Russ quietly saying it to Dave, at which time Dave would be throwing something up the wall, stamping on it or breaking it in half. Not always a pretty sight to see your man jumping around screaming like a spoilt 2yr old just because something went wrong, but funny all the same.

Many moons ago during first fateful marriage (twenty two-timing, rotten, stinking, fat, dirty bastard) I had progressed to a twin tub washing machine, loved that machine, had to sit on it sometimes to stop it moving round the kitchen when the spinner was on... I used to sit the kids on it too....One time I remember while they had an ice cream. It didnt bounce that much but having nutty children, they decided to exaggerate the movement, thrashing from one side to the other... (maybe I just didnt notice they were trying to beat each other up) ...they were plastered with ice cream but we had a great time that day.

Well my beloved machine failed me, should have expected it, the ttt,r,s,f,d,b of a husband had bought it, second hand too. In the middle of a big wash day, added stress of extremely bad, megga PMT aaaaaaaah

I tried the belt, the pump, checked fuses even though it turned on........anger growing by the second I opened the back door...........and launched it......never to work again :( bye bye washing machine.............

The Stabbing

While we were managing a pub (thats when I stopped drinking, one of us had to be sober) about 16yrs ago one of our customers had a tackle & bait shop, he used to arrange fishing competitions. they would all meet in our pub in the morning then return for the weigh in. Lots of eels would be caught so Dave (oh wise one) told them to bring them back and he would cook them. Had fish flapping round my feet and eels galore in buckets. Smelly bloody things. Anyway Dave had the job of sorting the eels, so I left him at the kitchen sink doing just that.

On my return I nearly died..................with laughter

Dave being so engrossed in his work didnt hear me come in, as I reached over the washing machine (yes another one, automatic, posh now) to get something he started stabbing wildly. Slippery eel I thought, but no ...........he was stabbing my waste pipe!!!!! Had it hanging over the sink............STOP........ With a look of fear he questioned what I was shouting at, my bloody washing machine you idiot, what you doing.........to which he relpied on close expection, oh thought a little bugger was escaping............ROFL, laughed so much nearly wet myself.......... Obviously moved the pipe once renewed.

So neither of us have great joy with inanimate objects (washing machines) and many more stories to tell, but thats for later.

We have won the lottery !!!!!!!!!!!

2011-07-26T17:03:30Z

Well it feels like we have :) :) :) :)

Couldnt do Daves biopsy today.................................NO CANCER

Cant stop crying ........... eyes look like piss holes in the snow .......mmmm maybe not the best expression to use ....oh who cares anyway, I bloody dont.

Want to scream my joy from the top of the roof but havent got a ladder big enough !!!!!!! Suppose the next best thing would be to climb in the loft again and do it..........Might scare the natives though.

Just had a vision of me in the loft shouting for joy and scarring the life out of all the old residents that pass my house,... electric chairs steering into the road, ......walking frames speeding up and sticks flying, wondering what the hell is happening. Pink bloomers flashing in all directions...Stop it Shaz before you run away with yourself..OK. :)

OMG I feel so elated, having a chinese to celebrate, well to be honest we are both too drained to cook ha ha. Cant stop cuddling him, ( that will stop by tomorrow Im sure ha ha) my man is OK for now........Did you notice the Now!! Under no illusion that we are in the clear, Im happy with just for now.

Sorry I never let ....Little My, Jo, Julie, Maureen, Joycee and my Dearest Madge.. know on my other posts, naughty me, but I wanted to let the world know, please forgive me :)

Have a share in our lottery win and hope you get one too xxxxxxxxx

So thanks everyone for your kind words and best wishes, they are much appreciated. (((((((((((XXXXXXXXXX)))))))))))

Cant give you the real thing, so heres the next best thing

2011-07-26T07:37:35Z

For each and every one of you,

Imagine I'm there in front of you,

             With arms wide open just for you.

Imagine I move nearer to you,

             One step closer, and then two.

Imagine I'm there, touching you,

             My arms completely around you.

Can you feel me hugging you,

               All my love surrounding you.

(((((((((((((((XXXXXX)))))))))))))

I wish I could put you on my knee, give you a big cuddle and kiss it all better!!!

2011-07-26T04:00:56Z

I want my Mum

I so want my mum right now to give me that big cuddle and tell me everything will be ok. (55yr old sobbing mess).

Its not a good blog Im afraid and wont be offended if you dont read it.

Its 3.30am and I cant sleep, cant stop crying either so god knows how the spelling is going. Never been hot on that anyway. Cant get spell check to work either grrrrrrrrr

I have read so many horrendous journeys on here and feel at times that I am intruding as I think in spite of Daves troubles we have had it mild compared to others not so fortunate.He didnt need to have chemo and I dont understand half the things you go on about with regards to it. I did find out what a PICC (PIC, PCC) line is. Such pain in my heart as many of you have and will be losing a loved one. Dont mean to offend.

Am I going to lose My David too? I know that day will come but thought it would be of old age, not this fucking desease that has change our lives so dramatically. Am I jumping the gun here as his biopsy and ultrasound is today at 12pm so dont know anything yet. Im jumping the gun. Is that even an expression? Brain not working !! Think Im having a meltdown!!!!!

This past week has been hard, they cancelled his original appointment last week. Stressed aint the word. Very snappy with each other even though we tried so hard not to be.

Have made myself busy with sorting out the caravan, cleaned, repaired and damaged all in one session. Did the loft and spare room today. Even managed to make a curtain. Amazing how heavy a box becomes when your trying to hold it above your head as you climb a ladder :( 2yrs ago Dave would have done the loft loading, not me.

It was while I was washing up it happened.

We have a griddle pan with a removeable handle, I was putting it back together but couldnt screw it in tight enough so screamed abuse at it. Dave said he would do it, WHEN !!!!!!!!! Then he said "what will you do when Im not here anymore", quick as a flash I replied "bin the bloody thing". Thats when we started our cancer returning talk.

He tried so hard not to cry, to spare my feelings yet again. It is what it is. Hate those words as he has been using them alot lately. Obviously we dont want it back, not even sure it is back, so why are we asuming it has come back. Dave, thats why. He is sure its back.

From day one he never asked questions, then asked me what will happen? He went along with whatever they wanted to do, even stopped me going to appointments because I was taking up their time by asking questions, god sake one of us had to ask. So I would ring Debbie his cancer support nurse, and find out what was happening. She is a diamond, my lifeline at times. He is feeling defeated, neglected, let down. This all came out last night after the washing-up episode. The waiting sure messed us up emotionaly. I know Dave is the patient, the one that had the massive op and reconstruction, the radiotherapy, the swine flu 3wks into it. the abcesses on his peg site, the chronic depression, and the family issues that have come up during the past 2yrs. Ive been beside him through it all. ME, not our kids,although supportive on many things, or his so called close brothers and sisters or even his lifelong friends. I lost it and told him exactly that, he crumbled and said he was sorry, hells bells I felt great after that, NOT!!!. We are ok now, just a spanner in the works for a brief moment.

It is always there at the back of your mind, with every new ache or new pain. You never think logically that your legs ache because you went out walking for a change, or your arm hurts because you over stretched. Before the cancer we would have come to those conclusions, not now, cancer forever at the front of your mind. I hope its just another strange lump that has popped up for a bit and then will go away.

If it turns out that he is clear, what then? As he said, does the pain in his ear, neck and head go away there and then? Will they look into it if it dont? I cant answer his questions anymore. Im so afraid that it is back. I cant help thinking the worst anymore, how will he cope if it is back? Would he have chemo if offered? Could I cope watching him suffer anymore? I suppose we block it out of our daily lives, the cancer I mean. Dont want to dwell on it, too easy for it to consume us (Dave and me). Then it comes back to kick you up the arse. Lets get this day over without falling out again, please :(

Lost all track of my thoughts now, must be tired or in need of a cuppa.

OMG what a selfish blog, sure am feeling sorry for myself. Sorry but posting anyway, have spent over an hour between tears writing it. x x x x

Everything is falling down around me !!!!!!!!

2011-07-25T07:07:17Z

Well we never got away weekend as planned. This damn dizziness is driving my Dave mad (and to drink). Not so good as not stable on his feet, now has an added wobble!

So, I decided that while the caravan is on our drive I would give it a good clean. Off I trot with hoover, black sacks and dusters while the dogs whine and wimper thinking I'm going without them, daft sods, left front door open so they could see, worse than kids.

First thing I noticed was the fire, it was hanging off one of its brackets and a piece off the top had completely disappeared? Maybe a dog or two took a shine to it... So I did my DIY bit and now its secure, hopefully. Then I noticed the cupboard that we store the table in had lost its top. Not completely but had shifted about an inch so again my DIY skills (not) had to be used, mmmmmmmmmmm what next!!!!!!

I was nearly finished with the cleaning and repairs, yeah.............. gave the hoover one last yank, nooooooooooo. ... Dave aint going to be happy with this one, I caught the corner of the fridge surround and split the wood, cant see how I am going to get back in there with the wood glue and clamp without him seeing...............So Ive cleaned, repaired and damaged it all in one session.

Moving on I decided to sort out spare room which doubles as my sewing room (I make curtains and roman blinds) as at the moment its full of my sons boxes and I cant get to my table, so in I go on a mission only to open the curtains and the pole fall on my head, ouch!!!!!! Have to add at this point I put the pole up ha ha. Cant get to the ladder in the shed as it is burried behind whatever Dave put away gggrrrrrrrrrrrr so its wedged against the wall hanging on one very secure bracket as I couldnt rip it out of the wall. As Im feeling deflated and defeated, Im not doing anything else but call my son for HELP !!!!!!!!!!!!

Is it good luck when a bird sh..s on your head?

Not for me because the useless bugger got the back of my neck and it ran down my back YUK YUK YUK

Just feel that the world is against us at the moment, from the flying ants in the garden to the birds in the sky along with all the crap in between.

Wishing you all a good week ahead x x x

Dave has his ultrasound and biopsy today !!!!!!!!!!!!

2011-07-19T15:37:48Z

Well the day has finally come.

It feels like we have waited for months since his oncology appointment, but in reality its only been weeks. In them weeks we have yet again worn ourselves out with the worry and stress. Have not done it conciously either, but we know by this afternoon we could sleep for England and feeling totally drained.

He had a strange lump appear before Christmas last year which turned out to be nothing, so hoping for the same result this time. Dave said this one feels different though?

He has been moving my fridge magnets around, soppy ones that we have bought each other over the years as little love tokens. My favorite one has a picture of a beautiful red rose with the words "I made a wish and you came true" which I bought him when he had his op in 2009. He has come a long way since then and he battles every day for me. THANK YOU MY DAVID X

Every day he has told me he isn't worried about it, it is what it is. Every day I could see that worry build up in him, both been a bit snappy for the last few days with each other even though we try hard not to be.

After his horrendous op he said he would never go through that again, being with him 24/7 I could fully understand his words and have always said I would go along with his wishes (not that I want to lose my David, ever) as its been a hard road to recovery for him personally. He fell asleep on the settee about 6 last night and never woke until 9.30, probably the best sleep he has had since his inner ear trouble. But again the emotional and physical stress is getting to him.

What with the depression he has been fighting for months and now this, it feels like someone really hates us, but I guess you all have those moments.

Oh well another dawn is breaking as i write and we live to fight another day along with the rest of you. Heres to better days for all of us xxx

Just pulled up in hospital car park for them to ring and cancel. Gutted for him.

Got straight on phone to Debbie (his cancer nurse) and left a message to see if she can arrange it at another hospital as Medway not sure if it can be done before his next oncology appointment on 2nd August .

GGGGGGGGGGGRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

4.15pm 19th July,

Hooray, hospital have just rang to appologise yet again and have booked Dave in next Tue at 12pm. More waiting but at least they sorted it today. Ranting at them and getting Debbie on to them has paid off. Must do the rant more often :)

The waiting is taking its toll emotionally on both of us

2011-07-14T04:36:29Z

My David is still in so much pain in his ear and neck, eating is becoming hard to manage as swallowing is difficult and he is losing weight again.

Stress is doing it I know, but there is always that thought at the back of your mind !!!!!!!

His Citalopram has been upped to 40mg on the advice of his counciller as she has notice his decreasing mood, he has an appointment with her later today but is talking about cancelling it. gggrrrrrrrrrr

Whatever he wants? When he is in this mood there is nothing I can do to persuade him differently. So frustrating for me, want to bash his head against a brick wall some times but I will just go and hide somewhere and cry instead. I am so tearful at the moment, if anyone said boo to me right now I would sob, but hey hoe, another day is on the horizon :)

He is becoming very aggresive and agitated with the smallest of things, its a bit like my PMT moments, maybe thats it, maybe he has PMT not cancer........if only.

He has his scan and needle biopsy on tuesday, then results on 2nd August. Still no appointment for his earwax removal, GP will not do anything about the dizzy spells until that has been done, I understand that earwax could be the problem but it doesnt help Dave, he is so fed up with it all. The dizziness, the weight loss, the eating difficulty, his speech is also getting worse, the mood swings and the pain. Where's that bloody magic wand when you want one !!!

Despite the moods and the never ending waiting game we all go through, we make a point of telling each other many times durring the day that "I love you" with big hugs and kisses (he doesnt notice the carving knife I have in my hand on really bad days), this hasn't happened since diagnosis, we have always done it. Not the knife, the love bit. Both being of broken marriages, we try very hard not to take each other for granted, it does happen on ocassions though.

When we first became a couple I told him he was mine for 20yrs and a day, we have passed that now by 4 months so I have now moved the goal post, told him the contract was renewed when we got married 10yrs ago for the second time. (He pissed me off big time so I divorsed him, but thats another story for later).

Well I feel so much better now I have had my moan, hope your having a good day peeps if not, join me in the shed and we can cry together. x

not so good end to a fantastic weekend

2011-07-10T22:10:03Z

We went away in our touring caravan on Thursday to Seasalter on the south-east coast. Our son arranged it as his youngest daughter Pearl was celebrating her second birthday on the Saturday, in all about 20 family members from both sides came.

We had a great time, weather was wet and windy on Thursday and Friday morning but turned out lovely for the party. Upset a few people with the noise but why do they go to campsites that advertise families welcome, anyway a few extras stayed over night so there were bodies sprawled all over the place this morning. Cooking breakfast was hilarious as the men decided they would cook, they did a good job despite all having severe hangovers but it was so funny to watch.

Dave got up quite late, not due to drink, he had a bad night sleeping again but when he came out of the van I could see he was having the dizzy spells (it so wasn't the drink) so we have had to stay another night as I have never towed the caravan, that might change tomorrow as it is quite expensive to stay here and I dont want him to attempt towing us home. He seems bright enough apart from that, he is just so annoyed its come back.

Hey hoe, just another rollercoaster ride, bloody hate them too. So any of you live down my way stay off the M2 London bound tomorrow between 11am-2pm as I might be towing at some point. You wouldn't miss me anyway as it will be the slowest caravan on the road. :)

Kids and Hubby !!!!!!!!!!!!

2011-07-01T18:27:07Z

Well another day, a good day too. Happy news for a change, I met my 8th grand-daughter today. Little bit of family history so you will understand why its been so long before meeting her.

My son (always the little bleeder) is serving a 4yr prison sentence for a drunken brawl, he is not normally a fighter so this was a shock to us all. He started his sentence 6th December last year. In May this year his fiancee decided to end the relationship (bless him, never been good a being a bad boy, always got found out and not lucky in love either) so have had to collect his belongings and still have more to get. My house looks like a second hand junk shop. On one of my visits he informed me of his daughter Mollie and asked if i would like to meet her and her mum. WELL SURE I DO. He went out with Sam briefly before meeting his fiancee. To cut a long story short Sam got in touch about a year ago to let him know about Mollie. She is soooooooooo cute, blonde, blue eyes and the cheekiest smile. Meeting up with them again next week and Dave is excited about her too.

So thats our good news, then my son rang earlier to say he will be moved nearer home in a couple of months, woop woop!

Dave was diagnosed with chronic depression about 4 months ago and its been hard going for him but councilling has started and we have noticed a great improvement in his mood. BLOODY FANTASTIC. Slowly getting my Dave back :)

I mentioned to him tonight that i need a body to put all of the boys boxes in the loft, he nearly choked on his drink at my words then remarked " im mentally disabled, not physically" so you see im definately getting my David back. What a fantastic day its turned out to be.

Hope you all can see happier days ahead too ((((((XXX)))))

wanted to cry but now I dont

2011-06-26T08:29:05Z

Hi all, got up this morning feeling very tearful, had a butchers round site then tried that chat room and met Nutrix (cheeky chappy) and sorry cant remember her name now, but feel soooooooo much better. THANKS x

GP visit about the dizzt spells

2011-06-24T14:49:47Z

Hi everyone

Firstly thanks for your replies of support, love this site. Get more emotional support from you lot than most of the family, sure some of you feel the same too. ((((((((((((xxxx)))))))))))) have a hug from me.

Well I got him to the GP this morning, checked ears and they need a clear out, (was told before by oncology that the radiotherapy seems to increase the wax build-up but totally forgot) No infection - good news, no signs of a cold - good news. So its an inner balance problem, did some head twisting and dropping him backwards hoping that it would align everything again but no luck there. No medication as GP thinks its on on its way to getting better BUT if no improvement by next week then go back.

We were left alone in GP's room for a few minutes while he went looking for the ear peering thingy, while he was gone Dave got upset and finally told me how he was truely feeling and thinking. Didn't really need to be told as I could see it for myself but glad he had opened up to me once again. He said the lump has been there for awhile, bloody hell does he think it will grow legs and go for a long walk off a short pier !! Convinced the cancer is back as margins were very small for extraction but having radiotherapy as well would do the job.

So I have hid in the shed for a while, had my rant and a bloody good cry, I'm not crying at the thought of it returning as that is always with us and have spoken about what he would do if it returned, but for my very brave David sitting there telling me. Its so hard for him to talk to me, he doesnt want to upset me, damn fool. I love my man to bits xxxxxxxxx

Lets hope next Tues brings quick scans and quick results.

another lump!!

2011-06-23T19:29:58Z

Dave got up late today, about 10 am before he came downstairs. He looked rough so I asked him if he had a bad night again, doesn't sleep much since the cancer invaded. Couple of hours at a time and long spells of laying there waiting for sleep to come again. We do share a bed but the most I get in one hit is 4hrs so rather than disturb his sleep more I go downstairs for a cuppa and get in spare bed if need be.

Today was different, he really looked bad. Think he may have inner ear trouble as he kept getting bad dizzy spells. Don't think it is vertigo, have had that before and not the same feeling. He has suffered ear pain since the very begining and after surgury was worse, still has bad days of pain like today. He also said he has found yet another lump (thought everything had been removed when saliva glands came out?) just under his jaw. He must be concerned as he doesn't normally tell me anything, well he did say on sunday he found a lump, as usual dissmissed it as soon as he said it. Now back onto the getting garden finished, the drive done.............................he did this before the op as he was sure he wouldn't come out of it so this tells me he really is worried.

Rang his nurse and explained the situation as I thought his appointment was next week and he hasn't let me go in with him for months, I always ring Debbie to give her a run down just in case he forgets to mention something. Turns out his appointment is next month. Cant wait until next month! Debbie has been a great help with him over the pass 2yrs and once again she put my mind at rest and booked him in for next tues.

It never leaves us, always in the back of our mind is this lump cancer, are these pains connected, has it gone somewhere else......................bloody awful desease. Give me the strength to continue to fight for and with my David

chat room rocks

2011-06-23T06:12:21Z

Hi just had my second experience on chat and found it a good place to be. Last night was a bit daunting as so many people on it my eyes were rolling trying to read your messages.

Felt like I was intruding at first as I am a carer not a (what would be the right word to use without offending) carrier, probably still not the right term to use. Anyway I went on again this morning and was amazed that Mel knew my age. How clever she is I thought, I asked how she found out and I then had a short lesson on finding my way around the chat page. Thanks Mel. Will return again. x