My name is

Well what a day yesterday was.

2010-09-07T15:46:39Z

The GP came and I had been researching Fortisip drinks and found that they do juices and deserts and a savoury chicken soup like version, mum is not keen in the slightest with the milkshake one so after explaining this the doctor gave me a prescription to get some for mum to try, I’m not holding out for that much hope but if she can drink a bit that would be something.

Managed to get mum dressed and eat a very small amount of breakfast, then instead of laying in bed she came and sat in the lounge for some of the day, we watched some old black and white film but really she drifted in and out of sleep until Archie arrived with his mum. My nephew came in a whirlwind of 3 year old birthday excitement and was clearly hopped up on a variety of sugar laden goodies. Mum enjoyed seeing him open his fireman Sam engine and I managed to take a couple of photos of them, it was quite funny because I couldn’t quite get either of them to look at the camera at the right time but at least we have those now. I had to take mum to bed after he opened that as the noise and commotion were too much and she couldn’t really keep track of what was being said, She couldn’t eat any dinner at all and that upset me inside, I don’t know why as I know this will get worse but I suppose it’s often the little things that effect us more greatly.

Today she has seemed quite buoyant, I worked for 2 hours (have stopped all but a little work now) and when I came in the house she was stood at the sink and had tried to wash her cup, I started fussing immediately like a fool and then thought no this is good let her do what she can when she wants. I managed/struggled to get her upstairs and bathed her, one of her favourite things to do and I want to keep doing it as long as I can get her upstairs, she is now having a well earned sleep before dinner and I am here writing this, and have just realised I’ve not been shopping for food in a little while and have no bread!

biscuits and some tea

2010-09-05T21:39:37Z

I just got mum into her nighty and to the toilet, she then decided she’d quite like a biscuit and some tea, I felt unbelievably happy at that, it seemed quite normal and like before. I’ve tucked her up and she was off to sleep very quickly.

GP is coming to see her tomorrow and it’s my nephews 3^rd birthday and my sister is coming to the house with him so he can open his presents with mum, I shall take lots of photos and just hope mum feels less confused and tired so she can enjoy seeing her grandson.. Night x

I can’t remember the last time I slept properly

2010-09-05T20:44:58Z

My name is Sarah and I can’t remember the last time I slept properly or had a day without feeling alone and isolated..

I have just joined this site and started to look at posts by people to see what sort of things people are discussing and how I might for my part fit into this community. I made it as far as reading some of the titles of posts before becoming overwhelmed by emotions and sadness. I know that my whole being is in such an erratic place at the moment, it’s hard to focus on anything for very long and the waves of tears and often anger seem to be constant at this time.

I am looking after my mum who has terminal lung cancer. My mum has been diagnosed very quickly after initially going to the doctors with her because of a fall at home; the speed in which this has all transpired has been so fast that it hardly seems real at the moment.

My mother Eileen is 76 and had already being showing signs of dementia when this all became apparent. I have lived with her for years and been caring for her more intensely for the past 4 years, taking care of meals and shopping and bathing etc, although sometimes a strain I have never minded and really been glad of the companionship we have shared, in the last few months her memory had began to decline quite rapidly and I had reconciled myself to the fact that I would be spending the next few years caring for my mum more and more as she most likely lost all the facets of her character that made her my mother.

7 or so weeks ago she fell over whilst outside and although not really hurt she seemed so weak to me, more than I had ever really noticed before. I wondered if it was simply that I had tried to deny the fact of her fragility to myself because I was scared, so we went to see the doctor and a barrage of tests began, within a day or so of the first chest x-ray the GP called me to say they had found a shadow over her right lung and although could not confirm without further tests, she eluded to me that it was possibly lung cancer. In some ways it seems like a life time ago and in other ways it seems like five minutes ago, now weeks later we have been told that it is a non small cell cancer and that radiotherapy may slow it a little, but her mental state is such that having to go through this would no doubt take away what little remains of her mind and personality, after much discussion with my sister we decided that we would not force mum to go through this, mum hated going for the scans and tests and was scared and bewildered for a days afterwards each time. The consultant told us last week that we may have weeks or possibly months left and I am desperate to make it all as good and comforting and loving as I can for her.

Now, now all I need is to try and get past my own feelings of grief, sorrow and anger so I can be the best carer and the best daughter and love her and keep her as safe as I can until she is gone.