my mums cancer

And I return looking for answers

2011-03-07T11:41:36Z

The first sad news comes my best friend breaks the news she’s having a second brain scan doctors have founds a mass mostly like outcomes a small brain tumour.

Second bad news Another close friends has skin cancer on her hand she going to have a section of her hand removed to try stop it spreading.

Third bad news Another friends has breast cancer and today she’s is having a mastectomy

My mind is all over the place. Not that’s it all about me, but in three months I have regained myself and am content with myself and the situation and now 3 close friends have cancer, I feel I want to stick my head in the ground and ignore it all, however them lovely people were so fantastic when mum died how can I do them the disjustice of not being there for them when they now need me.

Life does indeed through you some curve balls.

some sunshine through the rain.

2010-02-24T11:25:17Z

I just wanted to write about how i have had a good couple of days and am feeling more positve aboutl ife. I had a dream about my mum who was sat talking to me, I think this might have been a sign to let me now she is at peace!

what happens now?

2010-02-15T08:10:51Z

It’s been 13 weeks since mum died, I thought I was alright but things keep getting worse, I finally went to the doctor and I’m now on antidepressants which I’m not to happy about, I feel really lost I’m been my mum’s daughter and carer for so long who am I now? I’m having money problems which means I had to borrow money to buy my prescription. What a mess to get it! , doctor suggested counselling I was willing for any help but I have heard nothing and that was 5 weeks ago maybe I need to move away and start again, I just want to be happy again and feel normal.

So much for family I don’t hear from my brother or sister from week to week they only call when they want a babysitter, sometimes when I feel really lonely I make up excuses to call like if they need me to babysit, but there too busy to talk to me.

I can’t afford to go out so I stay in my days just fade into each other weekends i don’t think I even get dressed just sit on the sofa.

I don’t think my mum would be too proud of me now!

christmas eve

2009-12-24T17:03:44Z

Im sat on my own at home dwelling on this year really missing mum, its really hard, ive been so teary over the last few days, Its funny how you can have so many friends and yet feel so alone.

My Friends have been wonderfull ive never had so many presents under my tree, but tommorow morning when i wake alone in my house i no i won't be bothered to even look at them. christmas is so hard , then i neeed to put a happy face on for lunch with the family i just want christmas to be over.

1st December new start.

2009-12-01T08:19:30Z

Some of you lovely people left some kind words and sound advice on my blog yesterday. And after talking to my boss I have a good talk to myself. This morning I am back in work still on admin however but am going to the staff room at break to have coffee with the other staff and maybe at lunch time. If I get through that maybe by the end of the week I will be teaching some classes again but small steps at a time. I think maybe I was looking at things all wrong I wanted things to back to normal, but reality check it’s not going to be normal not yet anyway I have just lost my mum and having no parents is hard, but I will just try and work through this with no expectations and keeping trying and working through each day as it comes.

how do i overcome this?

2009-11-30T17:16:58Z

1st day back at work today as a teacher, gladly I excepted a day of admin and not teaching. Since mum died I have become venerable and insecure i don’t like large crowds or loud places I’ve started having panic attracts i don’t want people even talking to me. I was a head strong independent young woman who loved to social i don’t understand what has become of me. How do i overcome this?

familys are't worth it sometime!!

2009-11-23T19:15:13Z

Tommorow is my mums funeral. my brother and sister have took control with everything and i had little say, ok i thought people deal with loss in different ways.

They asked me to write the speach for mums funeral which you can read on the previouse blog. and they have re written it them selves, its no longer a love story/ fairytale which is how i saw my mums and dads life together its all about how they both were ill and died. as if we did't no that. im so mad im thinking of not even going tommorow. im so angry with them. why ask me to do it if they were going to change it anyway.

the speech for my mums funeral .

2009-11-22T21:04:43Z

The fairy tale.

Pat and peter were childhood friends it wasn’t until Pete was on leave from the navy that he made his affection know. And that’s were there fairy tale began.

Pete wrote to his beloved wife regularly and sending her gifts ever time he visited a new place. Pat was sentimental and everything was for keeps. as pats body departs this world today she meets her beloved husband in the dress he send her when on his travel.

pat had a unique bond with her husband always knowing when he was returning on leave, she continued this bond with her children always knowing things fist and knowing when they needed her some times is was if she was able to feel what they felt.

Pat and Pete was fantastic parents completing each other pat was well known for being independent head strong and very stubborn, characteristic which she kept right until her passing and traits which she has passed on to her children making sure they fought for what they believed in.

Pat was a passionate woman and always spoke proudly of her children and grandchildren. She taught her children to love and to live and never except second best. She had all the right advice from cooking instruction to matters of the hart there wasn’t much she didn’t no.

As all three children started moving out and becoming independent pat and Pete rekindled the romance and did a bit of travelling pete took pat to some of the destinations he had visited in the navy. Living the high life cursing the ocean where pete felt at home.

Sadly the fairytale ended and pete took leave from the world. Pat being pat held the family together and remained strong. As the year passed and the pain eased pat started to travel again visiting places her and Pete had talked about egpt and maylsia being a few. Pat also returned to college and in her 60 received qualification in IT.

Pat ensured her husband still lived on in her family heart and often relived the memories they had made making sure her children could laugh at the good times. As well as remembering the sad times.

However as we all know farytales have a happy ending and pete could no longer wait for his beloved wife he came to earth to take her hand and im sure if you look harder enough you will see them dancing on a cloud above.

Rest in peace pat your be dearly missed .

3 days ago my mum died

2009-11-17T20:25:13Z

Im still feeling numb, since i live on my own everything feels normal when im on my own at home. But being up mums today clearning out her home, was heart breaking all her things, trying to decide who wants what and what we should throw, i feel so angry, theses are her things her house, why are touching her things? My brother and sister just iritate me, asking me to come for theres for christmas, they never wanted me or mum for christmas before it was always just us, ive decided im going away for christmas, they have only invited me to make them selfs feel better. my emotions change from hour to hour, angry, sad, alone, i feel sick all the time. i miss her already. it was always just me and my mum and now im all alone, people keep texting me telling me if i want anything let them know, what could they possible do for me.

i wish i could just get on a plane and go far far away and be on my own. excpet every penny that we have will be paying for the funeral. i just need to get away from everyone.

15/11/09

2009-11-15T19:52:01Z

its my mums birthday today she was 74. she took her last breath at 5.00 pm holding my hand.

i don't think i have ever felt so alone my brother and sister have gone back to their famyilys and patners i have no one i have lost my best friend my rock, how do i make it through this.

wednesday

2009-10-21T20:44:23Z

When to see my mum in hospital today, she’s going downhill fast, she was very angry with me today, called me a bitch and a liar, and told me i was stopping my brother and sister from visiting her. She got so upset she wet herself so i had to leave.

Doc told me not to take it personal it just the drugs talking. It still hurts. She would even say she loved me when i left.

Then this evening at 7.30 the nurse called me mum had been asking for me to go up, so me and my sister went up.

Mum wanted to tell us she loved us and that she was giving up she wouldn’t be here in the morning, and could i tell my brother she loved him.

We all just sat there crying and holding each other, my heart broke.

I will be surprised if she is still with us in the morning.

Tuesday

2009-10-20T17:46:27Z

Went to see mum today shes in a bad way docs have said there is no more they can do for here but make her comfortable we have decided to bring her home so she is with her family,

Been thinking!

2009-10-18T08:56:40Z

I woke up this morning, thinking about the future, I am currenlty single with no partner or children. and i think we will lucky if mum makes it through to the new year.

I will have no parents to introduce to any future partner, no father to give me away at my wedding and no mother to ask for parent advice, no mother to hold my hand through labour or help me get dressed on my wedding day.

I know theses are selfish thoughts but what a sad future i hold. and yet so lucky compared to others.

saturday 17th

2009-10-17T16:36:02Z

visited mum in hospital today, she was very confused and was talking nonsence, doctors are assessing her later, not sure if she will be coming home again.

the lung cancer is very agressive and she now weights less than 5 stone and is not really eating.

been told to prepare our self, but unsure how to do this .