My Lovely Wife Julie

My Lovely Wife Julie's Birthday

2011-08-21T22:13:20Z

Julie would have been 53 today.

It should have been the 36th time I was to say Happy Birthday Darling.

To take my mind off the day I spent the weekend with my sister and her Partner in a cottage in Wales. My mind was diverted and the day has passed without major trauma.

Leon collected Julie's mum and took 5kg of ashes to spread over her fathers grave. Mum is now happy that Julie is at rest on Holy ground and in a place that she can visit.

I am a little dissapointed in myself that I don't feel bad.

But I still feel empty.

4 weeks 5 days

2011-08-16T18:08:08Z

It don't seem any easier yet. That tense tonight I had a glass of wine to try and relax. I won't make a habit of drinking, its just there was a glass left from the weekend before last, when some friends were round.

I talk to Julies photo.

I miss her.

I feel lonely in the company of friends.

My life does not have any purpose.

3 weeks post Julie

2011-08-05T20:09:10Z

tonight I have been crying for the last 2 hours and can't stop. I'll never hear her voice again or hold her hand, smell her or feel her warmth.

tonight I feel lower than I thought possible

My Lovely Wife Julie - Home again

2011-07-26T20:13:10Z

I collected her ashes today and settled the bill at the same time. She is now in the Conservatory, facing the garden she loved, while I have spent the evening getting all her clothing ready to take to the LOROS shop in the morning. She wanted her ashes in 3 places, some in her garden, some on her fathers grave and some on her favourite hillside outside Urbino in Italy - where her family come from and where she still has relatives.

I'm having a bit of chill time tonight with a bottle of Grolsch and a bar of Choccy.

My Lovely Wife Julie the Funeral.

2011-07-25T18:34:28Z

I didn't cry today. It was a full house at the Crematorium and there were lots of tears when "Time to say goodbye" (Brightman & Bocelli) played to her entry. But I didn't cry. I cried when I read replies to my last post because I know you understand. Unless you have direct experience with Cancer - you never know what goes on behind closed doors and to some extent I resented the tears that people shed.

We left the Crem to "Always look on the bright side of life" It certainly lifted the spirits. The Crem also had the clean version of the song so there was no swearing.

Julie raised £1100.00 in donations instead of flowers which will go to LOROS in Leicester.

Although Julie loved her garden she had requested family flowers only and I will post a photo of the bunch I sent in conjunction with my son, Leon.

Thanks for your support

Stuart

My Lovely Wife Julie One week on.

2011-07-22T21:59:31Z

Its just over a week since Julie left.

I have shed a lot of tears with friends and family

I have arranged for the funeral at Nuneaton Crem on 25th at 12.45am.

I went today to say goodbye and hold her hand for the last time.

I left a photo of the grand children in her hand and placed a bracelet round her wrist that our grand daughter had made. She is only nine but is strong enough to console Julies mum when she arrived back from the Chapel of Rest, distraught.

I have kept myself busy to try and divert my mind but it doesnt work.

I am sleeping up to 6 hours straight.

I am trying to adjust to cooking for one.

I am missing the word "WE"

Stuart

'e just read through blog responses, through

My Lovely Wife Julie

2011-07-15T21:44:33Z

Thankyou all. Your kind words are worth more than I could ever have imagined.

I hope to be back on line as soon as I can to offer support to others in need.

xx Stuart

My Lovely Wife Julie Died tonight

2011-07-14T22:54:08Z

At 9.45 tonight Julie spoke her last words to me.................... "I Love You" .................I replied "I Love You"

There was nothing more to say

She has no more pain

My Lovely Wife Julie 20

2011-07-13T21:54:31Z

I had to feed Julie last night - pasta with a bolognase sauce, and I cried as I spooned it in. Our 22 month Grandson has more control over a spoon.

Our Mac nurse said " things are definatly changing" - don't I know it. Sometimes she answers when I speak and sometimes she looks straight through me. I also have to help her hold a beaker to drink.

The steroids will be upped tomorrow and maybee she will be more with it, only time will tell.

I've been loosing a lot of sleep recently so night sitters will be arriving soon to give me a couple of nights sleep to catch up. Its supprising how your emotions take over when you are deprived of sleep.

My Lovely Wife Julie 19

2011-06-30T21:22:56Z

Words are hard to find to express what I feel.

I am living the life of two people and I am getting tired.

The time off I get from Caring is usually used up with errands connected to Cancer.

But enough about me.............

Julie is plodding on, occasionally under too much medication but mostly coherant and pain free.

Outwardly she is not the girl I married but underneath she is still the woman I love

My Lovely Wife Julie 18

2011-06-18T07:18:23Z

I can't believe its nearly a month since my last post.

The last few weeks have been very up and down. julie had another dose of Radio to the Spine yesterday to try and relieve new pains. She is now on a lot more Diamorphine to supress the pain she has.

We have had Two failed attempts to get off the Syringe Driver. Both occasions resulted in Julie having severe withdrawl symptoms. It appears that she is not absorbing oral medication so will have to stay on a Driver for the foreseable future.

I was woken at 4.45am this morning by a very aggitated Wife because the Syringe Driver had failed to deliver anthing since midday yesterday. It only took an hour before a Nurse arrived to deliver a sub cut cocktail but to Julie it seemed an eternity.

Its getting very tireing for the both of us.

My Lovely Wife Julie 17

2011-05-24T15:48:55Z

The Diamorphine was increased at the weekend to meet pain levels.

Julie looks at me with a blank expression that is making me feel very lonley.

Conversations are very one-sided.

Are we near the end ?, I don't know, nobody does.

Forward planning does not exist.

Company is a box of soft tissue

My Lovely Wife Julie 16

2011-05-20T14:39:08Z

Its been an up and down week.

Sunday morning we had 2 doctors and 2 nurses in the house to conduct a review on Julie. The outcome was a syringe driver with a concoction that put her to sleep for the rest of the day.

The coctail worked and yesterday the Mac nurse suggested the driver came down and go back to tablet treatment.

This morning Julie is back on a driver to sedate her more than anything else.

I think this illness is progressing

We are having fewer good days.

The Mac nurse is sorting out Sitters a couple of times a week so I can get a break but I struggle to leave the house in case I don't get back for some reason.

My Lovely Wife Julie 15

2011-05-14T22:11:39Z

Thanks to all for your words of support, I do appreciate them.

We have just had a good couple of weeks. Our 31st Wedding anniversary was on the 3rd and I booked a table at the same place we had our reception all those years ago. Thankfully the place was still up to standard and we had a lovely lunch outside in the sun.

Yesterday afternoon, without warning, there was a small amount of vomit prior to her afternoon nap. During last evening there was a lot. Today its 11pm as I write and the District Nurse has just left, they have been out 3 times today to administer Nozinan injections but she is still Nauseous.

Jullie is now getting de-hydrated and I can see an admission on the horizon to try and level her condition out.

My main worry is that the Tumour in her Cerabellum, that had RT in January, is causing the vomitting.

My Lovely Wife Julie 14

2011-04-27T20:40:58Z

Back home again.

The pain is manageable but not under total control. Quantities of Meds are quite high but we will just have to see over the next 4 weeks if the Radio does anything to help.

We have been able to get out for short visits to friends that has cheered us both up.

Grip and balance are still not perfect and I am having to watch her every move but things are better than 3 weeks ago.