my big boy

i think i might be losing the plot

2011-06-06T12:47:17Z

I took my girl upto school today a normal morning for me i looked across the road and i swear i saw my dad. i nearly shouted for him then a car drove past and he was away. I am missing him so much i really want him to hug me and tell everything is going to be ok. You dont relise how much you miss something, you take for granted the stupid wee things like the hugs the laughs and the wee stares it breaks my heart to think my dad will never make me feel safe again. sorry for being a pest again but i need to know will it ever stop hurting everryone says time heals but it doesnt seem to be getting any better or maybe its just a bad day and i cant put the brave face on

its normal

2011-04-20T16:31:37Z

Just back from the check up and the docot told me its normal for Brandon to get out of breath and to get tired easily. He said it will be at least 4 to 5 years before he starts getting back to normal. Brandon wasnt happy to hear that he said it wasnt normal and now everyone will know that he is different. Im so proud of Brandon he actually told the doc everything that was going on in his head and his biggest fear of it coming back. It is the first time he opened up and let us know what was going through his head. he is petrified but i said to him he isnt living if thats going through his head he needs to live his life so he is going to go to school tomorrow and inquire what kind of higher grade do you need to join the raf he wants to be a pilot. Im so happy i think he is looking to the future and i hope he isnt just saying that to stop me worrying about him. He is nearly 6 stone and nearly the same size as me.when did he grow up i think i must have blinked and wham it happened i am so proud of him and i hope everything works out for him. Thanks everyone for all of your support i get so scared and thats when my brain starts working overtime but my friends on here keep me on the track and i just wanted to let you all that i do appreciate everything you have all done xxxx

a year

2011-03-26T18:11:06Z

My boy has been in remission for a year im so so proud of him he is such a trooper and i love him so much. He still gets very tired and white when he has over done it im just wondering how long it will take for him to go back to the way he was. Brandon was a typical wee boy running around all day and night without stopping now he goes out for 10 minutes and comes in as white as a sheet and exhausted and it breaks my heart everytime. I am grateful that he is better but i just wish he could do things like boyss his own age as its getting to him now andi dont know how i can help.

how long

2010-12-28T21:01:06Z

How long do you hurt for after losing someone. It seems to be getting harder instead of easier and i dont know if i cant take it anymore. It still feels as if it was yesterday and my dad passed the 9/9/09. I still have so many unanswered questions that i cant get rid of.

Im glad my boy is better and im grateful for that. This is going to sound weird but i coped better when my boy was ill and i had to be strong for my family. Now i dont know who i am anymore im moody and bad tempered my partner says i should go to the doctors and get put on something.

My dad wouldnt approve of that he was the kind of guy to tell you to pick yourself up and wipe yourself off. I normally do that but its getting so hard to see the good in anything the now .

This is the 2nd xmas without him and it was so much harder than the 1st . My girl asked why santa never came to visit her (my dad used to dress up as santa and get stuck in the loft to make the kids laugh) i dont want to tell her the truth until she is older.

My brain isnt stopping the now and its like a broken record . I loved my dad so much he was my rock and when had a bad day he only had to give me a look to make me smile.

Im starting to forget and i dont like that he had the best accent glasgow and welsh mushed in and i will never hear that again, he had the kindest eyes and he had hands the size of shovels he was a gentle giant, i had him wrapped round my finger.

I just want the pain to stop and nothing is working i have tried focusing on the kids and its not working.

i need to vent

2010-12-17T23:08:57Z

i dont know how i feel tonight im angry and upset.i had the dog out for his last walk of the night when I bumped into an idiot in the street that didnt know about my dad . He didnt believe a word that came from my mouth and i ended up shouting at him what kind of person does he think i am to make up such a horrible thing that my dad died. then he said to me it was your boy that wasnt well and i said yes thats true then he said i wouldnt have shown my face if all that happened to me. When i said to him i have 2 kids that need me to be strong he said well its not as if one of them would notice. Making out as if my boy wasnt right in his head i must admit it took me all my time to walk away from him. I came home all upset that my thought that i fell or the dog done something and when i told him he was raging so i had to sit and listen to him vent, In my head all i could think was its my dad and son this eggitt was talking about. I know i should be proud that i never slapped him but it might had made me feel better if i did. I loved my dad he was my rock and i would never make a story up for anyone to feel sorry for me and my boy is the top of his class even though he has been through all of this . I went into chat and just sat and watched while everyone was having a laugh and a chat and it cheered me up i never brought up cause i would end up even more angry which i dont want . sorry for venting again xx

update 10/12/10

2010-12-09T23:33:52Z

Well Brandon seems to be doing good he is doing everything the doctors told him he couldnt . He loves his new school and he is doing judo again and at school he is doing rugby and football. He is over doing it but im not stopping him he needs to know his own limits. Some days are good and some are still bad he still gets tired and that frustrates him but i tell him what he knows and he is fine x

My girl has been hard work these last few weeks i dont know whats going on with her she hasnt stopped talking about my dad. I know she has to have good memories but my head cant take anymore i am getting so stressed the now. I miss my dad and i miss his hugs i always felt safe around him and i feel empty.

I am getting ready to move house and that is stressful as it can be. I have been arguing with my mum about alot of different things and i cant back down cause i know im right. i would give anything to turn the clocks back where it was all normal again. im sorry im venting tonight just having one of those days xxx

my boy

2010-10-21T22:16:33Z

Brandon went for his check up and i was so so so worried cause he is getting more tired and out of breathe than before. When i picked him up from school he was a mess covered in dirt so i cleaned him up at took him to see the doc. the doc gave him an x ray and done breathing tests on him and it came back he is ok. I was so relieved when the doc said that. The doc asked me when did we see brandons surgeon i told him we havent seen him in over a year so he has an appoinment for us to see him. I dont know why but we will go Brandon is so much happier knowing he is still ok. To make things better for Brandon his judo coach is going to let him be a scorer at his little sisters comp he is so happy now. I thin his nose got put a bit when he got told he couldnt do the comp so his coach thought i would cheer him up xxx

a year without my dad

2010-09-09T22:22:40Z

Well thats a year today my dad passed away. I have been all over the place today snapping at people then crying and laughing. it has been a tough one but i got through it. We got chinese lanterns and lit them for my dad it was so nice. when the light faded my girl said that my dad got the message. It felt good i know that sounds stupid but it has made me feel a bit better. i have a smile on my face tonight and the kids are happy which my dad would have loved.

What can i say

2010-06-21T22:00:43Z

Well thats the first fathers day without my dad and it was so hard. My brothers didnt even mention him they where acting as if he didnt even exist and that has upset me alot. How can they do that he was the most important man in our life and they dont care. I went and sat in my mums room where my dad ashes are and spent a bit of time talking to him i just wish he could have gave a hug and told me that he loves me and hes proud of me. I miss him so much and it doesnt seem to get any easier . I feel as if i dont know who i am anymore and thats scary i used to be happy go lucky and now i feel as if there is a dark cloud following me. Dont get me wrong im so happy Brandon is better and he is doing good but when he wasnt well i didnt have a chance to feel this way. Now i dont know who i am or what to do. Im sorry for venting in here but im finding it hard

Everything seems to be ok

2010-06-12T20:21:11Z

Just a quick blog to let you all know that brandon is doing great his hair is all back. He starts secondary school in august so he is looking forward to that. I have to have a meeting with the school about him but im sure that will be fine. Im doing ok still keeping my head above water. Everything seems to get on top of me alot quicker since brandon has been in remission. I still think of my dad every minute of every day but its starting to be happy ones. M<y girl is doing good she is getting more of a princess than i thought she could. Brandon and leonie dont seem to fighting as much as they used to. i would like to thank everyone for there support and advice through all of this and im sending warm thoughts and hugs to everyone xxx

the finish line at last

2010-03-18T18:35:36Z

What can i say today is a great day . My boy has done it got the all clear im so so so happy and proud of him. As soon as the doctors told him he said he wants to join the gym on monday. I have said wait till they take the port out which happens on the 29th then he can do what ever he wants. Its just not quick enough for him he is a trooper .

Im doing ok still dont believe it but it will sink in and i will be ovewr the moon

I would like to thank everyone for the help and support you have all gave me through this nightmare and im so happy happy i have made good friends xxxx

Hope this year is better than last one

2010-01-01T20:18:45Z

I thought i would let you all know how the wee man is doing. On one hand he is doing good and the other not so. He only has another 2 chemo to get so he should be finished for the end of febuary. hes to get test done cause he is having a constant pain in his eye so they want to check it. Sorry i havent been in for a while but i have been busy dealing with everything and helping my frind through some hard times. i send my love to everyone and happy new year to you all and fingers crossed it will be a better one xxxxxxxx

My Brave Soldier Boy

2009-11-20T21:41:32Z

I thought it was about time i put some good news on here. My boy only has another 4 blocks of chemo to go then he will get tested to see if he needs anything else. So everyone keep your fingers crossed for him, he is doing good and acting more like my boy which i love to bits. He is back at school full days and even though the doctors have told him to take it easy he was playing football at school. He is starting to relise he cant do as much as he used to but at least he knows his own limits and im not wrapping him up in cotton wool.

Im starting to come to terms with losing my dad and it is hard but im coping. I have my good days and my bad days. Thats why i havent been on as much i dont want to put everyone in a downer. I cant thanks you all enough for your support and help through this time.

My Brave Boy

2009-10-15T19:33:11Z

Brandon has had another block of chemo and isnt doing that well. He is losing weight even when hes taking his build up drink so they are trying him on new tablets to see if that will help. This chemo is knocking it out of him this is only the 3rd of 7 , he was only ment to get 7 blocks but the nurse said yesterday hes down for 8 to 16 blocks and i went mental. I havent seen his consultant since august just before brandon had his surgery. I said he wont be taking any more until the doctor speaks to me and tells me whats going on.

He is trying to be the big boy but the cracks are showing and he hates the way he feels. He has a birthday party to go to on sunday and i hope that cheers him up being a kid for a while without thinking about it.

Finding it ha rd

2009-09-28T12:58:25Z

Its starting to hit me that my dad isnt here anymore for the advice and support he gave me. Im missing him so much and im trying to be strong for brandon but i feel as if im spiraling out of control the now. My dad was the one that would tell me how everything is going to be ok and just take it easy. When im worried about brandon he would be there to tell me he will be ok and now hes not. Brandon has became a bit withdrawn the now and wont talk to me about it. I wish i was made of strong stuff like my dad said i was but im not.

I am trying everything for the kids and trying to act like normal but im crying over stupid things and thats not me. Which is upsetting the kids and im trying hard not to but i cant help it. Sorry for venting on here its just i cant tell my mum how i am the now as she isnt any better im being her rock and my sisters the two of them are finding it really hard to cope with so they turn to me. Which i dont mind but its in my head as well.

thanks for listening

choc claire xxxxxx