I am pleased to say my surgery was brought forward to 20th Oct. Boy am I pleased to be able to say that it's all over and my op seemed to have gone well. Unfortunately they found cancer in my lymph nodes and so I have had them removed and will receive the results from the lab this Thursday.
Amazingly the wound from the mastectomy is not that sore, it's the bruising and swelling from the removal of my lymph that hurts and the affects that it has on my day to day life. The initial shock of looking down and seeing myself for the first time, then finding out that it had moved into my lymph. Painkillers which cause constipation, not being able to get dressed without help, spending hours laying on my back not being able to sleep, the dreams... so many and so varied, from my experiences so far, to my sub-conscious thoughts playing with my mind in the night. Having to hide my body now from my daughter whom I have watched become more subdued than she has ever been, and showing my body to my husband, who I have seen with tears in his eyes, desperately not letting them fall. I am so very lucky to have an emotionally strong man by my side, who has been my brick and there are not any words that could thank him enough for his understanding and support throughout this ordeal we are both going through.
My mind then turns back to my darling little girl and if I could have just one wish, it would be that after the chemo, radio and hormone treatment the consultant has planned for me, it's finished with, all clear, normal life resumes. This of course very much depends on the outcome of the tests that are being carried out on my lymph and from the double lumpectomy in my remaining breast. I can be strong when she is near to me, her warm and loving nature of innocence and youth inspires me, however, when alone, I am so very scared. Scared once again of the unknown, what may still be. The waiting is so very hard, it allows the mind time to chew the fat, digest it, and then role-play each and every scenario that may or may not happen to you. It is completely exhausting in a time when you need strength to recover and prepare.
I watched House on the TV this week and found out that cancer thickens the blood, an interesting fact I did not know, that now has raised yet more questions and concerns. What other side effects does this disease have on the body as a whole? How much do I not know? When I thought I was relatively well informed it seems I have only just scratched the surface as far as this is concerned.
So my head is already in Thursday and there it will stay until the reality of meeting my consultant once again hits me as I enter his office. My head stays strong, my heart, aches like never before, desperate for the good news it longs for.
