minuet's blog

Mum and Dad separated

2009-11-25T18:12:08Z

Mum and Dad finally decided to separate last night.

It's been about a year and half since Dad was diagnosed with terminal prostate cancer. At the very start of the year, we were told that Dad had 10 weeks to live unless he had chemotherapy, and amazingly he responded really well and is still with us now. At the moment, he seems slightly healthier than he did last year if anything. Christmas last year was really difficult; we all thought it would be his last. buying presents was almost impossible and Dad was so poorly I had to keep wrapping him in blankets and checking he was ok. My sister attempted suicide at Chritmas and ended up getting admitted to psychiatric hospital, but despite that, somehow we managed to keep going, and had a special time together. The chemo started not too long after that.

As soon as the chemo started my dad found out my dad had been having affairs for the past few years and he has been absolutely tortured ever since. Although he's healthier than before, he's drinking more than ever and Mum and Dad have been arguing constantly. My sister was let out of psychiatric hospital after a few months and things got so hard at home she's moved out. My Dad has now decided he's in love with his secretary and I think he's started some sort of vague relationship with her, whilst my Mum has stopped seeing other people. The situation is very complicated because my Dad had a lot of affairs throughout my childhood and my Mum never saw anyone else and always forgave him, but eventually I guess she snapped. They had been going to RELATE since the summer but gave up the week before last as Dad always got drunker and angrier than ever after the sessions.

Two weeks ago we had a party for my Dad to celebrate his life, which he asked for. He's always said he'd rather have a party while he was alive than a funeral. A lot of old friends came and I wrote a song for him which I played, but my Dad hated it. He got reallly angry when people said how lucky he was to have my Mum, so started telling veryone she was having sex with loads of other people. I ended up having to try to calm my Dad down while he was completely drunk and falling into a bush outside at the end of the night, and since then he's mostly been staying in a hotel. Last night, though, hecame home, and told Mum he wanted to separate. Mum is really upset. She loves Dad as a brother but not a husband any more, but she still wants to care for him, especially when he gets really ill again. (He's really ill now, but still able to go into his office most days and can still go up and down stairs.)

I'm not sure what to do about Christmas this year. I don't know if I can go through any more arguments, or seeing my dad that drunk again. This has all been making me ill and exhausted all year as it is. My Dad told me a few days ago he didn't want to spend Christmas with anyone and would go to a hotel but today he says he wants to spend Christmas together as a family if my sister and I want to. My Mum isn't sure, though. She's moved into a different bedroom but Dad says she can stay in the house for now, but he changes his mind all the time at the moment and when he gets drunk can get quite agressive and Mum gets scared.

I feel like my Daddy has changed so much in the past year he's almost unrecognisable. It sounds so horrible to say, but last January when I thought we only had 10 weeks left I was desperately sad but at least Dad felt loved and we were together as a family. Since then it has been nothing but heartbreak and conflict. I love my Dad to bits; he's my absolute hero, my best friend, my inspiration and understands me like no one else can, but this whole thing is breaking me up inside. I don't want Dad to spend Christams alone, but I don't want us to go through a horrific Christmas together this year; it's been hard enough as it is. At the moment I just feel really angry and annoyed that Christmas even exists, as there's so much pressure not only to be happy but also to be together as a family, and those seem to be two things that my family can't do at all any more.

Last chemotherapy session

2009-07-30T16:06:44Z

The week after next my dad has his final session of chemotherapy. He will have had 10 sessions at the highest dose, which started in February. In January he was told if he didn't have the chemo, he had around 3 months to live. Now it is about to end I am terrified. He responded so well to chemo, had no sickness, and not even all his hair fell out, and his PSA is now 38 which is much, much lower than it used to be. But he also has lymphodoema which will come back quickly after the chemo stops and may prove fatal even before the cancer, as in January the fluid had already started going into his lungs and only starts draining when he has the chemo. Even though my dad has been so much better from chemo, these past few months have been terrible, since my parents' marriage has been falling apart (they are now going to RELATE) and my sister has repeatedly tried to kill herself, and my dad has been on Prozac, but I am afraid it is about to get so much worse. I don't know how much time to expect we have left, and nobody seems to be telling us anything, but we have just filled in a disability allowance form that people who are expected to have less than 6 months get to fill in. I am scared. I love my dad so much.

RIP Uncle

2009-05-23T16:02:06Z

Yesterday was my uncle's funeral. He had MS and lived a relatively short but laughter-filled life. Though the funeral was a sad occasion, it really did feel like a celebration of his life. We had a humanist ceremony because my uncle was not religious which meant we organised and led the whole event ourselves. My dad, who has terminal prostate cancer and is very ill himself, did a marvellous job at opening the proceedings and giving a speech about his brother's childhood. Someone else then talked about what my uncle was like as a young adult at university, then there was a short piece of music that he had originally chosen to be played at his wedding. After that someone talked about his work-life and the ceremony closed with a lovely letter from his wife to him. We then went to my uncle's favourite pub and had some drinks. My thoughts are with his wife and her children, and I am happy at least that we were all able to get together and find positive memories out of such sadness. My previous blog post explains why I was particularly worried about my dad at my uncle's funeral (his younger brother). My dad only got out of hospital a few days ago after an infection, and is at his lowest immunity after his 5th chemo session last week, but still spoke amazingly and wrote a really nice piece for the funeral. He didn't actually cry once but he doesn't always show much outward emotion and says the Prozac is helping him too. After the funeral he stayed outside most of the time to help avoid germs so hopefully he won't get another infection in the next few days. I was very proud of him speaking anyway. Unfortunately my sister has been very bad the past few days and this morning ran away with lots of tablets, razor blades, weapons for self-harm, etc. and left a suicide note, so we spent all morning tracking her down and are currently waiting for a crisis team to assess whether she should be sectioned again. She has only spent four weeks out of psychiatric hospital this year and my dad looks stressed out. My mum and I are too of course; I can't stop shaking. Particularly wprrying is my dad of course. Every time he gets really stressed his PSA level shoots up, but luckily the sun is shining today so he's outside relaxing. I have probably fed him so many cups of tea he will turn into one soon. Will go and make another now.

Deep breath.

2009-05-20T16:55:09Z

I have decided to start a blog at the suggestion of several other lovely members. Hopefully it will help me keep track of the issues I'm facing and stop things swirling around in my head so much. Tomorrow I travel home to see my dad, who is 54 and has terminal prostate cancer. He was diagnosed last year and has been having chemo all of this year. On Friday it is my dad's younger brother's (my uncle's) funeral. He died last week after many years of battling with MS, and was only in his 40s. My dad's dad (my grandpa) only died just over a year ago, and now my dad's brother has gone. My dad has already lived longer than the doctors predicted at the start of the year but I am terrified that he is going to be next. He is the last male on his side of the family. My dad has to make a speech at the funeral but it is during his lowest immunity day after chemotherapy, and he was rushed into hospital 2 days ago with an infection, so I am quite worried about him standing up in front of a room full of people to talk. He doesn't seem to want to do it either as he is very depressed but said he couldn't refuse when my uncle's wife asked him to do it, so I am going to try to help him write the speech tomorrow. It feels like everything is falling apart at the moment. My uncle on my mum's side, who is 40, was told last year he had 10 years at most left to live because of a kidney condition. My grandma is very ill since my grandpa's death, and my little sister (who is my best friend but is too ill to talk to me any more) has been in and out of psychiatric hospital after several attempted suicides since dad was diagnosed with cancer, though she has had depression for years. My mum and dad's marriage is also breaking down and I have been asked to keep lots of secrets about affairs, etc. but most of them have come out in the open now (except from my sister, who still lives with my parents but doesn't know what's going on) and mum and dad are still deciding whether or not to get divorced. I was also in a fire last year, which was horrible and I had flashbacks for several weeks afterwards. I've become quite ill myself now, worrying about everyone; having to call the police about my sister, trying to calm down my dad when he's drunk and mad at my mum, and trying to rebuild the relationship with my mum after finding out about what she's been doing in secret behind my dad's back for the last 3 years. I am absolutely exhausted all the time, look and feel unhealthy, and am struggling to get through each day. I've been on some new antidepressants for a week though and am trying to get out for a walk every day and am still managing to stay on top of work, just. I am desperately sad about everyone around me being so ill, but I know that me being sad doesn't help them, so try to put on brave face when I am with them. My dad has had 5 sessions of chemotherapy and is pretty ill - the cancer is already in his bones and skull, and he seems to be getting confused quite often, though that might just be stress. I absolutely adore and admire him and he is my hero. I have told him that a lot (and written him a letter telling him everything I love about him), and do as many nice things for him as I can, but he is very depressed about being poorly. I am devastated and I can't imagine a day without him. I'm trying to finish a PhD at the moment which I partly wanted to do so I could be like him, because he is a Dr. too, and it hurts me so much to think he will never see me graduate. He will not be able to give me away at my wedding either, or experience grandchildren, or any of the things I've dreamed about since I was a child, and it's very, very painful. Now I've got some of my saddest feelings down hopefully I can find some happier ones. Until then, I am trying to stay strong for my dad at my uncle's funeral.