Make For Macmillan - Making Lemonade

C - Word

2011-04-04T16:15:17Z

With christmas looming I was aware that there was a lot of people in my local area who were looking to try and make a few extra pennies to make paying for Christmas more bearable. I love Facebook, I use it ALOT, and there was a local page where people where buying and selling things to help make ends meet. I'd bought and sold a few things and built up a rapport with a few users on the site. With that in mind the cogs started whirring and as a result a little acorn of an idea was born.... I spoke to the community centre where my son goes to preschool and asked if they had ever thought of holding an indoor boot sale. Initially they were apprehensive about the idea, worried about mess and how to go about making sure traffic for the stallholders was correct. I persisted and to cut a long story short I ended up with a 21 stall table top sale to organize! As I don't drive and had my 3 yr old in preschool I didn't actually have a stall of my own, I didn't make a penny from organizing and running the event - but it was good to have something to sink my teeth into.

The pre op appointment at the hospital was the night bfor the table top sale. My partner was off work sick with flu and wasn't well enough to drive me to the hospital, so his dad took me and dropped me off. It was the 18th Nov 2010, and boy was it cold. I walked down to the clinic where the large waiting room was full of people. I sat down and started flicking through a magazine grateful for a bit of me time without having to worry about speaking to anyone or worrying about little man running off. Time sat on my behind with nothing to do is boring to some but I quite enjoy it as its pretty rare for me :) Good job really as I sat in that waiting room for almost 2 hours. After about an hour I began to get a bit restless, wondering why I hadn't been called yet... the waiting room emptied, until there was only me left. When they called my name I whooped and said hurray - finally it was my turn.

I entered the room with a nurse and there was a female doctor with black curly hair tied back and a smart suit on, she looked behind me and asked me with a puzzled look 'Oh are you on your own....' to which I said 'Yeah my other half is poorly so its just me....'. This seemed to fluster her a little, which was odd to me. I sat down in the chair with a smile on my face, she said 'Right ok so I have some results from your op for you.' I said 'Erm..... results - sorry I didn't know there was any results to be had, I mean Ive already been told that its nothing from all the tests you have done so far so...'. My face dropped, I could feel my heart starting to pound, you know that feeling that you get when you have been caught doing something you shouldn't do, a bit of a nervous sick feeling - yep well that crept in pretty quickly. I looked at the doctor, she seemed now even more uncomfortable, more nervous than me in fact. 'Well those tests arent always conclusive, so we cant just rely on them.' I'm thinking WHAT! 'Well we looked at the tissue we removed during the op and we have found some cancerous cells....' I said 'erm....ok' and waited for more information. The doctor was trying to hold her composure but I could see her squirming I guess giving me this information was hard I wasnt impressed. I said 'But Ive already been told twice now that It not cancer, you have done all those tests, I wasn't expecting any results and now your telling me what exactly?' I paused...'Are you telling me I have cancer?'.... 'Yes I am very sorry.' She looked away - I probably wasn't giving her the nicest of looks at this point LOL. She then went off into some sort of rant about multidisciplinary meetings, how all these doctors had sat down and discussed me and what would happen next..... Im thinking multidisciplinary - am I a naughty girl LOL.... I said 'Hang on a minute. What sort of cancer do I have?' The reply I got was 'Thyroid - but dont worry its 95% treatable - you will be fine'.

The tears were starting to come now, I could feel them, but I was there on my own - I needed to hold my composure, I couldn't crumble in front of this doctor who in my opinion wasn't a very good one, I needed to show her who was stronger, I needed to be quietly indignant. So I took a deep breath and carried on. She then started asking about my voice - I explained I had a cold but that my hoarseness had been a permanent fixture since the first operation. She explained that the next step would be a Completion Thyroidectomy - the remaining half of my thyroid would be removed in another operation similar to the first, she explained that Dr M would do the op. But she was concerned about my voice, she checked the notes. Dr M had noted no laryngeal nerve damage and then she said she wanted to take a look at what was causing the hoarseness. Out came a black shiny snake like thingy with a light on the end, she wanted to put it down my nose.... OUCH. She did it twice, it bloody stung. My eyes started watering and I expressed discomfort - as I had a cold, all of the passage in which the tubes were going were blocked and inflamed - not fun. She didnt like the way my voice was reacting to the tests so she said we would need to wait until my voice was better bfor the operation could be done. I was told to wait for a further appointment, and to get some sort of solution to help clear my airways just in case I needed another snake test at the next appointment. With that she sent me on my way.

I walked out of the room, a middle aged nurse said 'Are you ok love?' - I turned around and said quite rudely - 'Well no not really they just told me Ive got cancer soo....' and with that the tears came, there was no controlling them. I strode down the corridor towards the exit to get picked up, crying like a baby, huge heaving sobs almost stopping me from catching my breath. I knew that soon id have to walk through the A+E dept so I tried to compose myself, which I could only do by holding my breath, I walked across the car park in the cold dark night. I called my partner and told him, he was shocked and didn't quite understand what I was saying - he called his dad and his parents came and got me. All the way home I explained what had happened, explaining that in hindsight I felt like they had left me waiting 2 hours on purpose, not wanting to have to tell me, wanting to leave it as long as they could.

When I walked out of the back gate my partner was waiting for me, he passed me a ciggarette, I took it - god I needed it! He said -' What type of thyroid cancer is it? Theres 4 types you know?' 'Is there - she didnt say only that I have thyroid cancer'. My other half isnt a cryer - he gets silent when he is upset and takes himself off to deal with it on his own, he fights tears, his bottom lip wobbled and we both started crying. I didnt know what to say, I just went off into a rant explaining what had been said my thoughts all jumbled, mixed with anger and frustration. I was mad at the doctor, mad that the hospital hadn't insisted I bring someone, mad that they had given me NOTHING to take away to explain what they had just told me.

I needed this to be ok for little man, so I said right we don't mention this word in front of him ok, we act like nothing has happened as much as we can. I was in mummy mode desperate to shield him from the hurt and destruction that had unfolded. The next bit is a bit of a blur of tears and googling and various phone calls being made to family, and my partners boss.

I went and got in the bath, Bubble soothing me, on my own in the bath I tried to compose my thoughts. I realised that no matter what happened from now on I had cancer, and I needed to deal with it. Wallowing over it was not going to get rid of it, I clung to the doctor saying it was treatable, I wasnt dying. This could be a lot worse. I could hear my partner on the phone saying no we didnt want any visitors tonight, it was too soon.

The next thing I know there was a knock on the door, it was my others halfs boss's partner. She also happens to be the mum of my partners oldest friend and little mans Godmum. She was heartbroken, and almost didnt know what to say, she assured us that if we needed anything to just let her know, Id stopped crying by this point which I think she was a bit taken a back by. I explained that I needed to just keep calm and carry on with it all. That I had questions that needed to be answered. That id do my best to get to the bottom of them all. She told us that my partner had been given a week off work, and that we shouldnt worry about time off etc. We were extremely grateful of that week off. She hugged us both and left.

I dont remember much more of that evening, other than calling the lady I was organising the Table Top Sale with to explain what had happened just in case I had a melt down during it. We decided we didnt want too many people knowing about my cancer, so asked that nothing was said on facebook etc and told those we had told to keep it to themselves. I didnt want people worrying about me. I didnt ever want to be 'that lady with cancer'.

Bubble and Squeak

2011-04-04T16:13:36Z

Following my arrival home I was very lucky to have my partner and family around to help me to recover. I have never been too good at asking people for help, always preferring to try to muddle through as independent as possible. Even I couldn't argue that I needed help after the operation, mainly in looking after my son. Being a full time mum has had its perks around all of the operations etc I have needed. God knows what it would have been like trying to get time off work etc, but as my three yr old doesn't have an HR dept and there's no such thing as having time off being a mummy I relied heavily on those around me to take on my daily tasks and help in taking care of little man. Luckily they were great and took time of work where needed so that I could get some much needed rest and recuperation. Little man was well versed on what he could and couldnt do around mummy, big sweeping neck hugs being out of the question!

Unfortunately the length of time needed was longer than expected as my hoarse voice was particularly persistent, and my scar got a little infected so I ended up on antibiotics.

I can tell you for nothing that a voice barely louder than a whisper with no range is no fun around a 3 year old. As Ive said before little man is a proper boy, he loves to run at high speed and get into mischief wherever he can, not being able to raise my voice to get him out of sticky situations was definitely a challenge. The only loud noise I could muster was a whistle, so I ended up having to whistle at him whenever I needed him to pay attention. I found speaking tiring, trying to be heard above any crowd noise was a nightmare and it was very frustrating. The period between being well enough to leave the house and my voice coming back was not much fun, being out in public with my gorgeous boy was stressful as I was frightened that something sticky would happen and my voice would let me down. Speaking to strangers in shops etc meant I had to explain my op by pointing at my scar so that I could explain my tiny voice. My hoarse voice lasted at least 6 weeks... I thought it would never be back to normal. My voice was also affected in terms of vocal range in my singing voice - dont get me wrong im not a singer :) But as most people do I love to sing along to music - I was unable to do so without sounding like those tragically bad people in the rejects section of the xfactor :) This was where my love affair with Michael Buble started :) or Bubble as I affectionately came to know him as I found I could sing along to Bubble bcos his voice was low enough for me to sing without a massive amount of strain on my voice... he became my music of choice. Bubble at bathtime, Bubble when cleaning the house. Gotta love some Bubble :)

It was during this period that a letter arrived from the hospital inviting me to a post op appointment. Great I thought they can have a good nosey and make sure my scar is healing up nice and Il get some feedback on my voice. I wasnt ever told to expect results of any kind afterall id now been told twice that it wasnt cancer. The fine needle aspiration had confirmed that hadnt it :)

Little old lady speed bumps

2011-04-04T15:32:18Z

I remember sleeping pretty well that night, propped up on the electric bed surrounded by many pillows, I woke up every now and then to drink some water which was slightly awkward. I had a scar across the nape of my neck about 8cms long which was glued so had a shiny appearance. Moving around was interesting, I think it was mainly a psychological thing but it felt like I needed to keep my head and neck as still as possible so as not to burst my scar. I don't remember being in a huge amount of pain but sudden movements were certainly uncomfortable. Speaking... now that was a different matter, I was hoarse. I hadn't been told nor had I worried about a loss of voice as a result of the operation. As I had had a cold I assumed that maybe the tubing etc had scratched my throat a little so I wasn't too concerned about my hoarseness at this point. Dr M had brushed it off saying 'oh we will just keep an eye on that', I was happy, Id survived the op, the lump was gone and more important than ever I was waiting to be picked up by my partner and little man :)

Posh breakfast arrived, I kicked myself that I hadn't ordered a fry up! But it was yummy non the less, porridge and fruit salad with toast and posh jam and more importantly Coffee mmmmm. My partner arrived and I went off in search of a nurse to be discharged. When you leave an NHS hospital they are in my experience a little funny about letting you leave, these private nurses seemed more than happy to give me my papers and send me on my way. I was simply told to keep my scar dry for 7 days and asked if I had paracetamol at home which of course I did.

So of we went to get in the car, my voice hoarse and walking like I was very interested in the floor in a little old lady hobble because I was scared of popping my scar LMAO. The car ride home was fulled with speedbumps :( OUCH - there was a lot of sharp intakes of breath on the way home! Getting home after an operation I am never very good at putting my feet up especially with my three year old running around and my dog, but after this operation I went back to bed after trying my best to keep my eyes propped open on the sofa. Theres nothing soo good as your own bed for a post op daytime nap :)

2 beers and a Nipple

2011-04-04T15:25:55Z

I was just about ready when the porters came to take me down to the surgery. After a quick joke about my cow print slipper boots and a trip to the lady's room, I slipped out of my undies and into some particularly sexy paper pants!

The porters at the posh hospital were funny and kept me smiling on the way down to the theatre, I love a camp porter :) As usual the conversation mainly consisted of how hungry I was etc LOL.

When I got down to the room, the person prepping me for the surgery was chatting away to me, he was I think Puerto Rican, and had a gazillion children one of which was a similar age to little man. He showed me pictures of his children on his phone as h attached wires all over me. It was a nice experience, I felt involved in the preparation altho it was a little embarrassing having my nipple on show in front of 3 blokes LOL. The only weird thing was having a conversation while being flat on my back - but we chatted away for a good 15 mins or so lol. Then the anaesthetist came, I told him I enjoyed anaesthetics - but that they always made my nose itch when I came around. He said that was one of the side effects of an important component, I said thats cool just been intrigued as to why :) He popped the line in and said right here we go.... I remember saying ooooh 2 beers :) and I was gone...

When I came around from the surgery in recovery I had an itchy nose :) I remember putting my hand straight to my neck and being told off :)
In recovery the nurses are always concerned that you will be sick if you drink too quickly afterwards, but im always gasping. Touchwood ive never been sick yet! So I asked for water and was given a sip arrrgh :) LOL.

I was taken back up to my room by the porter, I spoke to my partner and went back to sleep. The benefit of a private room in a posh hospital is gorgeous peace and quiet :) For some reason the nurses also dont feel the need to take your blood pressure every two minutes :) YAY

When I woke up I was told I could have anything to eat that I wanted - ANYTHING - they gave me a posh menu.... I was like erm.... so I asked for a smoked salmon and cream cheese sandwich and COFFEE - and I got it, along with Butternut Squash soup which was delicious!

I am not joking this food was like hotel room service and was awesome! Having thoroughly enjoyed that I settled in for the night. I was feeling stiff and a bit sore but nothing I couldnt deal with. Xfactor was on and me and my partner watched it while texting our opinions on it back and forth :)

Op day, fry ups and waiting......

2011-04-04T15:24:53Z

Having had my first appointment cancelled I didnt hold out much hope that my operation date would come around again soon. I expected to wait at least a month, and so was very pleasantly surprised when I was booked in for my operation the following weekend. I was to be at the hospital at 7am on a saturday!

Unfortunately 7am appointments mean no food or drink past midnight the night before, so I stayed up late and had a midnight feast :) As I said previously I wasnt afraid of having the surgery, I had got to the point where I enjoyed the anesthetic. I am not entirely sure why I had no fear of the surgery, I think its something to do with childbirth. I have found that since being a mummy things that happen to me dont scare me so much, if I could deal with childbirth I could deal with anything! I discovered that a weird side effect of this is that scary amusement park rides, where even my partner screamed like a girl, I just wet myself laughing on LOL. Not literally wet myself LOL.

We prepared little man for my stay at hospital, explained that he needed to look after daddy and that the doctors were going to fix mummys neck. He seemed fine with it, as I said previously id had 2 operations in a year at this point and so he was getting used to it. We all piled into the car and off we went to the posh hospital. When we got there little man found some mischeif by making sure everyone had a glass of water from the water machine, and sat and read a book about doctors and how they fix people. Hes a little charmer so he had soon charmed everyone in the waiting room.

After a while a nurse came and took me up to my room. The room was amazing! I am not joking when I say that it was like a hotel room, the only difference being that the bed was a hospital bed! It was a private room, with a tv, and an ensuite! No chocolate on the pillow but there was very posh complimentary toiletries! On the way up in the lift the lady had told us that the cafeteria did fried breakfasts at 8am, my partner was very excited!

The anesthetist came to see me, I had a bad cold at the time, he was slightly concerned that they may have to cancel me due to my cold based on the fact that they were operating on my neck, but after a quick temperature check they decided to go ahead. When 8am came around my partner and little man went off to the cafeteria in search of a fry up!

I sat in the room in the chair and watched tv, having not eaten since midnight the idea of a fry up was pretty much torturous. Dr M came in and checked me over, its impossible not to smile when he is around. I signed my permission slip and verified I understood everything and off he went.

My partner and little man came back, there had been no option of a fry up as the cafeteria was shut, but little man had charmed someone in the kitchen into giving him one anyway for free! Turns out in private hospitals fry ups are part of the menu for patients! They made sure I was happy in my room and kissed me goodbye and went home, toddlers and hospitals dont mix - not much fun lets be honest!

I sat in the room and waited and waited and waited, for what seemed like hours. I had been told Id go down to theatre at 11am, by about 1pm I was still waiting. I hate waiting for operations mainly bcos not being allowed to eat makes me super hungry! I went to the desk and asked when I would be going down and was told I was next on the list. I went back to the room and put on my surgical stockings which were navy blue - so not as bad as the horrid white ones and my gown, and waited some more.

Pre-op assesments and Whoopsie

2011-04-04T15:21:34Z

I received a phone call from the admissions people at the local hospital to notify me that Dr M has requested to do my surgery at a posh private hospital over an hour away from my home. I wasnt too keen at first, I worried about getting there and staying overnight so far away from my family. But eventually I agreed and after many a missed phonecall (I never check my voicemail lol) I agreed a date for the surgery and was sent a letter asking me to go for my pre-operative assessment. Unfortunatlely the assessment was to also be done at the posh hospital some distance away! Off we went. Pre-Op assessments now involve checks for mrsa and most of the time a blood test, mrsa tests involves swabs of your groin and nose, so I made sure I had nice pants on :) LOL

We got to the hospital which was small and had free parking! The assessment went well, little man came with us and was incredibly tempted to press all the red buttons! The lady swabbed my nose, and refused to allow me to swab my own groin - boooo. I verified the times and dates of the operation and check about recovery times etc. I was told to expect 2 weeks recovery and was assured that Dr M was an excellent surgeon and that I would be in good hands.

The day of the surgery arrived, I was to have a Partial Thyroidectomy - to remove the lump. I was expected to be at the hospital at 1pm. Childcare was arranged and my other half was to drop me off at the hospital after a half day at work. I got up on the day of surgery glad that I could have breakfast and some coffee hours bfor I went in for surgery, fasting is not something I am good at I NEED coffee in the morning or im no use to anyone!

At 7.45 am the phone rang.... it was the posh hospital. 'We are just wondering where you are?'.... 'Im not supposed to be there til 1pm so im still at home???'... 'Oh we were expecting you at 7am, how quickly can you get here?'.... 'Well I guess by ten? But I have just eaten.'

It turned out that there had been an admin problem and my time of surgery had been sent incorrectly, Dr M wasnt even going to be at the hospital at 1pm, he left by 11.30am. So my surgery was cancelled, turns out even posh private hospitals arent perfect LOL. I was apologised to profusely.... It was annoying, but as my surgery was cancelled I got to eat all I wanted too that day so it wasnt all bad!

Dr M and Spiderman

2011-04-04T15:20:33Z

Fast forward a good few months and my appt came around to go see the consultant at the hospital. My little man insisted on going dressed as Spiderman, the consultant greeted him as Spiderman and made a fuss of
him. I instantly liked him!

Dr M the consultant put me straight at ease, he had a beaming smile and was welcoming, he had a peek at my neck, and asked permission for a student to have a look too.They both agreed that it was a big 'un :) I wasnt worried, but the doc advised that he remove the lump anyway. Having been told twice now that it wasnt cancer I could have just said naaah leave it. I didnt, I smiled (genuinely) and said okey dokey, I was waiting for another operation for something else at this point and said maybe they could do both ops at once.... no chance.. LOL. Nevermind, by this point I was quite enjoying the anaesthetics. Dr M said goodbye to spiderman.

I remember thinking that Dr M looked like someone who should run an italian restaurant and say 'Forget abaaart it'. We were in and out of the hosp in 15 mins that day. Much to the disgust of the other people in the waiting room...

Needles and Ultrasounds

2011-04-04T15:19:36Z

I was sent a letter asking me to go to the hospital, so they could have a look at my lump... so off we all went a nice family outing down to the hospital, my little man was happy - he brought woody and buzz with him and was bought a magazine. I never know whether or not to make polite conversation with other people in waiting rooms, so I didnt. I waited my turn while the little man and my partner played in the convenient play area in the waiting room and then they called my name. I made light of the situation by chatting with the nurse and the man who would scan my lump. They laid me out of the table in a dark room and began by smearing my neck in clear goo. I remarked how the ultrasound made my lump look like a baby, and then the scan man said he was pretty sure it was nothing to worry about but that he would like to take a sample of lump with a needle... He said it would hurt, I said I have been through child birth and nothing hurts more than that - go ahead!

It didnt hurt but the little blighter took two samples, thats 2 needles, 2 sets of ouch! My neck hurt a little afterwards and so I popped some painkillers and off we went, feeling pretty secure in the fact that two people had now said I dont think its cancer and defo none of those google abuse nasties!

Pickled eggs

2011-04-04T15:18:42Z

So I booked an appt with the GP, my head swimming with all sorts of nastys from google abuse. My partner at this point had been yelling whenever he went out of the room 'Get OFF Google!'...

Typically trying to not look worried I explained to my GP about my lump, that it was probably nothing - but could she just let me know what her thoughts were? Having looked at it and prodded it a bit, she decided that it was very unlikely it was Cancer, coming to that conclusion due the fact that it wasnt 'craggy'. As I had had it for about 18mths at that point she said right lets get you a thyroid function test done, and il refer you to ENT. 'I tell you want lets make your lump sound more interesting - we will say its shaped like a pickled onion - or egg. That will maybe get you seen quicker' LOL you have to laugh!

So off i went home soooo glad that it didnt look likely that I had any of the google abuse nasties!

A trip to A and E and Google abuse

2011-04-04T15:17:41Z

My little man is a proper boy, he has no fear, runs everywhere, talks at the top of his lungs, wakes me up in the middle of the night every night to get in bed with me. In short hes awesome, and can be a big mummys boy. Turns out at 3 yrs old hes already paid me back for everything I do for him bcos if it wasnt for him I might not have said anything.

It was during a trip to a&e with my little man that I mentioned in passing to the lovely doctor that I had a big lump in the front of my neck. Explaining about the fact that I had one on the back of my neck that was just fatty tissue, she had a look and said - 'Im not sure I like the look of it. Go to your GP it might be nothing'.

I have to say I wasnt too worried until I got home and started Googling... NEVER google symptoms unless you fancy frightening yourself more than the scariest movie you have EVER seen. Google can be your friend, but use it wrong and it can become your worst enemy! Needless to say I booked in to see my GP.

The Beginning

2011-04-04T15:16:22Z

So il take you back 6 or so years ago, I was single and had just landed a mgrs job that I had worked my behind off for, and I found a lump on the back of my neck. So natural reaction to finding a lump? Thats right I freaked out, went to my GP and was told it was just fatty tisssue and nothing to worry about... so off I went thinking well that was lucky and forgot all about it.

I met my lovely partner, moved counties, and had my beautiful baby boy....

Things were good, we had a few bumps in the road that meant I ended up in hospital for various reasons - but it would turn out that these things meant that my gorgeous boy would be more used to mummy having to go away for a night or two. Something that he would have to deal with more in the future.

My First Ever Blog

2011-04-04T15:13:10Z

Let me firstly explain that I originally wrote this blog on blogger - and am in the process of transferring it to here so that it may help some of you - I am also the founder of Make for Macmillan - we are a fundraising auction site on facebook - and in 7 weeks have raised £725. I wrote this blog to support the reasons why i was fundraising.

ve always been bursting with ideas.... and I mean bursting, and my newest idea has lead me here. I have to say that as I type my stomach is churning and im not soo sure that the idea of writing this blog is such a good one - but only time will tell....

Il apologise now if my story jumps back and forth a bit, but I am hoping that the end of the story is a very good one, for I just started on a journey. Its a journey that people expect me to have taken very differently... But I decided ''HEY LIFE! if your handing me lemons, Im gonna Make Lemonade!''