Madmadge's life without John

All packed up and ready to go on holiday

2011-09-15T21:49:40Z

My bags are packed and I'm ready for my holiday tomorrow. I am looking forward to it although it will be bitter sweet because John loved Devon too. I'm sure Pat and I will talk about him a lot while we're away and remember the happy times. Gemma is wondering what's going on and glued to my side most of the time in case I'm planning on leaving her - bless her little heart! All her toys, food. blankets and towels are packed too and I wouldn't go anywhere without her.

I'm glad I went back to my writing class. Everyone was so welcoming and it's a another little step back to normality. I'll try to write a little while I'm away and the theme for this week is quite appropriate - 'Time Out', which is exactly what I'm taking! Perhaps Cynthia chose it just for me?

I've been to the chiropodist and the hairdresser so I've been 'topped and tailed'! I've got a new 'funky' hairdo - wonder what John would have thought of it.

Can't stop long on here because I'm doing the driving so I need to be fresh as a daisy tomorrow and I haven't even washed up the tea things. What a lazy lump I'm turning into.

So good night all and see you when I get back.

Lots of love and *hugs*, Madge x x x x x

Nlot so many tears today

2011-09-13T21:47:32Z

I cried a bit this morning - mornings are the worst when I wake up and realise it's not a bad dream and he's really gone. Keeping busy is the answer so I signed and stamped all the letters I'd typed last night informing people of John's death - at least I've made a start but there's still a long list of people to tell (they're not so urgent so they can wait).

Planned to spend the day with my lovely friend Pat who I'm going on holiday with on Friday. She arrived at 11 o'clock and we had a cuppa and ventured out. I'd made an appointment to look at a mobile home - yes, I'm thinking about moving but wanted to look at one before I make my decision to sell the flat. Perhaps I'm jumping the gun, considering how the market is, but we did see a lovely home, pristine and ready to move in to, on a lovely retirement site that permits pets and very central. Giving it some thought.

Then we went to the beach and had fish and chips at my favourite cafe, just as John would have liked them - big fat chips and crisp batter on the fish. Gemma had a sausage which I ordered specially. A lovely walk and then a trip into town to post the letters and visit the local book shop where we bought a couple of games to take on holiday - Othello and Yahtzee and a pack of cards. Then a cup of coffee and a piece of cake and back home.

My daughter and son-in-law came round to fetch my suitcases down from the loft - I HATE lofts! We had a cuppa and talked about John - they both thought the world of him. When they'd gone Gemma and I settled down to toast and Marmite and watched Emmerdale. Then I did some ironing for my holiday - haven't touched the iron in weeks so there was quite a pile.

So, here I am. Telling you all about how I've spent my day. Hope you're not too bored! :0)

Tomorrow I'm planning to go back to my writing class for the first time in weeks. I got a lovely card signed by every member of the class the other day so I'm really looking forward to seeing them all.

Does anyone else feel like this when they are bereaved?

2011-09-12T09:51:07Z

As a lot of you know, I lost my Beloved John on 22nd August and I feel so lost without him. I'm scared too because I don't know how I'm going to survive without seeing his face or hearing his voice except in my memory. I long to feel his arms around me again and his gentle kisses.

I'm going to have to brace myself soon to look through his papers and sort out his estate which I'm dreading. The darling man did leave a Will so it should be straight forward but it all seems so final.

His clothes are still in the wardrobes and drawers and that's where they'll stay until I can face sorting them out. Sometimes I feel like crawling inside the wardrobe and curling up there where I can still smell him.

This is the worst feeling I've ever had in my life. Up to now I've been surrounded by people but I need some time on my own, just to think about him and talk to him as if he was there in front of me or by my side.

Oh my darling. I'm missing you so much.

A poem for John

2011-09-11T21:51:15Z

Always Here

Although I can’t see you,

I know that you’re here.

Your memory lives on

In each silent tear.

My heart holds you close,

Remembers the love,

As your bright shining star

Looks down from above.

You’re free from all pain now,

Just waiting for me,

For when my time comes

It’s your face I will see.

Smiling a welcome,

With arms open wide.

And once more, my Darling,

We’ll walk side by side.

My first visit to John's grave

2011-09-10T20:40:09Z

I visited John's grave today for the first time since the funeral on Monday. It's only been five days but most of the flowers were flattened and blemished from the rain and nibbled by slugs. However, my simple sheaf of Arum Lilies were almost perfect and, maybe I'm being silly, but I took it as a sign that our love goes on. We'd arranged for a simple vase to be sunk into the ground and I placed a dozen red roses in it for my darling man - I hope they stay as fresh as the lilies.

I found it very emotional to be there even though I knew that his spirit had long flown away and the grave is just a symbol of what he meant to me. I have purchased the plot right next to his so that, one day, we will lie side by side with an oak tree looking over us. The oak tree isn't even planted yet but that's what I've chosen because he used to laugh at me for hugging them on our country walks. They will plant it this Winter.

I wondered whether he and Smiffy, our old dog whose ashes I'd placed in John's coffin, were looking down on me and smiling - I hope so.

Afterwards I walked around a bit and sat on someone's memorial bench (can't remember whose) and thought how peaceful it was there, with the wind blowing in the trees and the birds singing. I knew then that we'd made the right choice.

I still miss him so much. I watched the X-Factor tonight and missed his comments on all the acts. Then I had a little tear because Doc Martin begins again next week and he used to love that programme - it won't be the same watching it without him.

I'm sorry to go on. I feel a bit guilty because I seem to be taking more than I'm giving to this site at the moment. Maybe, after my holiday next week, I will feel more like participating in things. Please know that my heart goes out to all of you and I hope to be more like myself very soon.

Love you all. x x x x x x x

The Funeral and after

2011-09-08T21:15:25Z

First of all, I had to create a new Blog because no matter how hard I looked, I couldn't see the usual directions 'Write a new Blog post' - is there something wrong with the site?

John's funeral was more perfect than I could have expected. Jo and I arranged for the hearse to come to the flat and so many people turned up that my little pad was bursting at the seams. The hearse was late because of traffic and this made me smile because John hated traffic queues with a passion. I could just hear him saying "We should have gone a different way, look at that queue!!!!!"

When it arrived with the coffin covered in flowers I'm afraid I cried a little because it brought it home to me how real it all was. I'd already seen my Darling in his beautiful coffin and spoken to him. He was tucked up with the ashes of our lovely old dog, Smiffy, in his hands. When John was slowly slipping away I kept telling him that Smiffy would be waiting for him to take care of him and I like to believe that's exactly what he's doing.

The coffin we chose is beautiful. It looks rather like a large wicker hamper and is woven of banana leaves with a heart-shaped plaque on the top. John's name is also on the back of the coffin and, when we were following the hearse, that's all I could look at, his name - John William Legg.

Funeral services at the Woodland Burial Ground are held in a large conservatory type room with windows all around looking out at the woodland and it was absolutely packed with people. Jo had arranged for cup cakes in pretty boxes to be placed on every seat because John loved to make and eat cakes and this was, in a way, a celebration for his life and his birthday which would have been on that day. He would have been 68.

The vicar was held up in traffic too and couldn't have been more apologetic when he finally arrived. He was an ideal choice. He conducted my uncle's funeral service last year and is a gentle rather absent-minded man but very caring.

We didn't have any hymns but played some beautiful music - Love is in the Air by John Paul Young, Rose of My Heart by Johnny Cash and To Where You Are by Josh Groban, rounded off by Happy Birthday by Stevie Wonder. I read a tribute to my Darling and a poem I had written a few weeks previously with him in mind. Here it is:

Once in a Blue Moon

One night, when the moon was blue,

I turned around and there was you.

A strange and yet familiar face.

Have we met before, in another place?

I know who you are, you’re heaven-sent,

You’re the missing star in my firmament.

This meeting was always meant to be,

Our everlasting destiny.

Once in a blue moon two souls collide,

Two halves of a coin that none can divide.

A magnetic force draws us together,

To spin through time, for ever and ever.

Sorry it's so big but I can't seem to change the print size.

The sun came out at the actual burial which was lovely. The trees were waving in the breeze and the birds were singing - just as John would have wished.

So now I have to get used to being without him. Sometimes I find it very hard and sometimes I find myself smiling when I remember the things he said and did and the wonderful times we had before he was so ill.

This week and next I have to sort through all his papers and visit banks, etc but my best friend Pat and I have arranged a week's holiday in a remote part of Devon next Friday with no TV or mobile phone reception - just us two and Gemma. Pat has done so much for us during John's illness and I have known her for a long time so she is the ideal companion to unwind with.

Life goes on but I will never forget the love of my life.