Dear Mum

2010-12-07T10:41:18Z

It will be a month on Friday since you left us. It will also be Rebecca's 16th birthday that day. We will try to make it as special as possible for her whilst also remembering you. She misses you so much, she tries to be brave in front of her friends at school, but at home, late at night I hear her crying for you. I was so proud of her, reading at your funeral, I hope you were proud of her too.

Dad is coping, just........ There was a power cut the other day, it took him an hour to work out how to reset the clock on the microwave and oven! He is mastering the art of ready meals, and how to hoover round the house. Luckily most of his clothes can go straight from the washer into the tumble dryer and back in his wardrobe - the iron stays firmly in the cupboard - no more ironed vests and underwear for him!

He is trying to ignore Christmas as much as possible. For the first time in years it was meant to be just him and you, and thats the way he wants it to stay. I can't let him spend the whole day on his own but I can understand why he doesn't want to come with us, I must admit I would be quite happy to let this one go by without any fuss either.

I have my good days and bad - it doesn't take a lot to set me off. There have been countless occasions in the last four weeks that I have wanted to pick up the phone and tell you something, from good things to bad.

We laid your ashes to rest on Sunday, in a freezing cold, snowy churchyard. We will come and see you Christmas morning as we have done every year.

The costumes for the Christmas show are being made - not to your standards of course, you will always be the official dressmaker, and I will be there for the first performance on New Years Day, sat where you should be watching the girls and tutting at them if there costumes aren't fastened right! The thousands of costumes you have made over the years will be seen for many more countless years. You were so proud of seeing Rebecca and the girls on stage both here and on the West End stage at Her Majesty's Theatre in your creations.

I'm sure there will be much more I want to tell you as the days go by, just know that we all miss you with all our hearts

I love you mum xx

Now feel so guilty

2010-09-29T08:21:06Z

I have just shouted at my daughter and now I feel so guilty......

My mum has terminal ovarian cancer. She is not strong enough for any more chemo, and we have been told that how she is now may be as good as she gets. Dad is her primary carer, but at 73 is finding it very difficult to cope both emotionally and physically. They have been married 48 years and she is his sole mate.

Her meds have been upped twice in two days and even now she is still having pain.

Our main problem is that mum has never accepted she has cancer, and even now tells everyone in a couple of weeks she will be back to normal, driving and shopping etc. In truth, she has been out of the house twice in the last two weeks and spent the previous 8 weeks in hospital.

Being the only daughter who lives close by, I am on call 24 hours a day. Mum gets very emotional, which in turn is very upsetting for me and my dad as she feels it is her fault she feels ill and for putting us out.

I thought I was coping up till now......... My daughter is nearly 16, she was complaining that she had a slight cold and headache, and didn't want to go to school, she went on and on until I snapped and said "don't you think Grandma would just like to have a cold?". Rebecca has gone to school in tears and now I am sat here at work also in tears feeling as guilty as hell.

I don't sleep properly at night, feel like crap during the day, I comfort eat (when I get chance to eat) and feel I am letting my own family down by being with my mum so much of the time and letting them fend for themselves.

I am meant to be going away in a couple of weeks time and feel guilty for even contemplating still going, I can always cancel the flights at the last minute, I know it will be the last chance I get to get away until the end, and mum will want to know why I am not going as she wishes with all her heart she was coming with me as she loves Malta so much, which is why it is my second home.

I have just made an appointment for me to see a doctor this afternoon, for my own sanity if nothing else, I need someone to talk to who isn't personally involved.

If anyone reads this, sorry for the rant x

lynnellis's blog

Dear Mum

Now feel so guilty