lwal3183's blog

Does it get easier?

2010-06-27T18:40:57Z

Not been on for a while, dont even know what to say just now? Its been 2months and 2 days since my gorgeous sister passed away, and if anything i think i'm feeling worse as the days go on!!

Was at a psychic night on friday, and i was just so upset to think that this is the only possible way i could hope to communicate with my sister from now on!

When does the guilt subside? I feel guilty all the time about everything, is this normal? Guilty that i'm still here, guilty if i cry, guilty if i dont, guilty for having moments in the day where i dont think of her. I think the only person who could make me feel better is Yvonne, and i know thats not an option.

Sorry for going on, i'm just so sad all of the time, i know life has to go on, but i dont feel that it should.

Thankyou for listening to me.xxxx

Rainy days

2010-05-23T19:30:16Z

Got sent home from work on friday, it was a gorgeous day, and right about 11am Yvonne would have been buying the bbq and filling up the paddling pool for my cousins kids, but to me it's raining every day. Spent almost the whole day crying. Missing her so much, didnt realise that it was an acutal physical pain aswell as mental.

How do you deal with the anger? I'm so angry all the time, and i've got noone to blame! Want to blame god, but want to get into heaven to see her again, so who do i direct my anger at?

My brother inlaw Jack also lost his grandpa this week, he was like a second dad, he worked with his grandpa for 11 years, and he was the lovliest soul you could ever meet!! What has Jack done to deserve this much pain? He's only 27, why shoud he have to deal with losing his wife and grandpa within the space of 4 weeks. If there is a big plan, i would really like to know what it is, because at the moment all i can see is good people being punished and life's bad, lazy people getting to live as they please.

Why??????

Much love, lynnxxxxxx

Heartbroken

2010-05-17T11:17:54Z

Its three weeks since my beautiful sister passed away and i seem to be getting worse week by week. I want to burst out crying all the time. I'd only just started a job as a support nurse in the beatson oncology centre and had to go back this week. The patients are lovely and kept me going, but i am so gutted to see people going home, when i know my sister is never getting the same opportunity.

She had an infection and went back in for treatment, but we never expected this. I spent every day with yvonne since she was diagnosed, (we're two wee peas in a pod, she used to say) and i feel like half of me is missing. She was only 26 and i cant contemplate the future without her, it seems too long until i can see her again.

| gave her a stem cell transplant, and feel guilty every day, she was constantly in pain for the six months after the transplant, in and out of hospital, did i do the wrong thing? Should i have given her bone marrow, should i have said no?!! They give you a big speech about not feeling guilty, how its not my fault, but i would love them to be sitting in my position giving the same advice!!

I miss her sooo much, i dont know what to do with myself. We were supposed to face the years together, and know, even with everyone around me, i feel totally alone. Nothing feels right. I dont know what to do!!!

Sorry for going on, and thankyou for listening.

Much love, lynnxxxxx

Transplant success????

2009-09-29T10:33:50Z

Hello, well thats the stem cell transplant over, and to be honest its a bit of a strange feeling!! My part went exceptionally well, my sister needed 5,000,000 stem cells and after my not so painful GSCF injections (the injections were not painful, the bone aching and all that went along with it however was!! Although i felt better to be going through a little bit of pain on her behalf!) i was able to provide 18,000,000!! To much for them to store, so they had to cut my time on the machine short! They said they had never seen anything like it, so i was very pleased!! Yvonne received the transplant the next day, and it was a very emotional process, even though it was only a bag of blood and it was over in an hour, it felt like the end of the nightmare, and the beginning of a new chapter!! I dont think we will have an idea of how well it has gone until the 3 month mark has passed, and the cells start to do their job. Just now is just a waiting game. She is still in hospital, and is having a horrible time of it, but we are told this is good, and they are pleased with her progress. Not that that cheers her up any, she had more wires coming out of her than i have ever seen the other day, looks worrying, but we have to trust that this is just part of the recovery process, and keep our spirits up!!! Anyway, sorry for rambling on, i'll keep you all updated with her progress. I hope you are all well. Much love, Lynnxxx

Its upon us already!

2009-09-10T09:11:56Z

Oh well, its that time already!! Where has the summer gone? I cant tell you how nervous i have been for the past week, so i cant even imagine how my poor sister has been feeling!!! She goes in today for her Chemo/ Radiation regimine in the lead upto the transplant!! Just when things are back on track, it feels like we're right back at the start!! (not that we could do that all over again!!) It was so sad getting her bag ready, just full of jammie's! Her only holiday this year, and its being spent for weeks at a time in the beatson!! I start my injections on saturday morning, and the district nurses were vague to say the least!!! I called to find out what was happening, and was told, i'm on there schedule, but they cant give me a time, and if they cant make it they will phone me?!!! Well firstly i need to take my injections out of the fridge 30mins before they arrive, so if i've no time scale, how can i manage that? Secondly it has to be done in the morning, so if they cant make it, will that affect the amount of stem cells i'm able to produce? As if i wasnt nervous enough, not even for me, but for her! I at least want to make sure my part of the transplant is as sucessful as possible, how can i do that if i'm left hanging and stressed out my tree!!! Sorry for moaning, i just want it all to go perfectly!! Something i really have no control over!! Anyway enough ramblings, i only have access to a computer in work, and i'm now off for 2 weeks, so i just wanted to say thankyou all so much, for your love, prayers and kind thoughts, it has helped me enormously!! Keep your fingers crossed. Thanks again. Much love to everyone, my prayers and thoughts are always with you all. Lynnxxxxxxxxxx

What a week!!

2009-09-04T08:02:02Z

Well this really has been a rollercoaster of a week!! On monday, my friends lovely dad, (who i mentioned in my previous blog) sadly passed away, just 8 weeks after diagnosis!! So very sad, he was a lovely man and like i said before, was still mindful of others despite his own problems!! He said he would be thinking of us on the 17th september, and now i'm sure he'll be looking down on us, still wishing us all the luck (if not lending us a helping hand)!! Then tuesday my sister had a horrendous day, i dont want to go into it too much as i dont feel its something she would wish me to be discussing, but we were all very upset!! However, received news to the contrary the following day, so all is positive again!! (sorry i am sure this will make no sense to anyone, but suffice to say, the day was hellish!) Then i developed the cold, now on this site, that means didly squat, but i'm donating stem cells in just over a week, to my very lovely sister, and have been fine all summer, but of course now as the time comes, so do all my rubbish symptoms!! I dont think it affects the collection of the cells so much, but i cant be near her at all, as when she begins her full body irridation, she will be left with no cells left to fight anything, including a cold, so i am nervous as hell!! The closer it gets, the more and more terrified i am, not for me, but for her!! Its just soo real all of a sudden, she's had such a good summer, and everything was normal, now she's going to have to go through an even worse process than before!! Please cross your fingers for us, as she's had so much bad luck already, i wouldnt like to think there was more to come!! I'm babbling, sorry!! I start my injections next week to prepare, so i'll give an update then. Thankyou all for listening, i feel better just for having voiced my ramblings!!! Much love to you all. Lynnxxxxx

What an inspiration.

2009-08-24T14:36:44Z

My sister was diagnosed in april with AML, and a month ago my friend phoned to tell me her dad had been diagnosed with Terminal Pancreatic cancer, and liver secondaries, he was a fit and healthy person, a runner, didnt smoke etc, it seems if your supposed to get cancer you do, without prejudice, no matter how hard you try (even though it seems so unfair!!) I went to visit him last week, when i was at hospital with my sister, and he was a shadow of himself! Yet he still made the effort to sit up, (dispite how frail he is) and make conversation with me, most of which consisted of how my sister is doing and how he will pray for her on the day of her transplant, i was reduced to tears! Here he is with his own terrible illness and he's worrying about me and my sister!! He has inspired me greatly, showing even with all that is going on, people can be so thoughtful and comforting and selfless. I just wanted to let everyone know how grateful i am to know that there are wonderful people like this in the world. Much love Lynnxxxx

Still waiting

2009-08-19T08:27:03Z

Just thought i would add an update, for anyone who hasnt read my one and only other blog, my 25 year old sister (who actually turned 26 yesterday!) So 26 year old sister, was diagnosed with Acute Myeloid laukaemia on the 3rd of april 2009. She was in remission after her first lot of chemo, but due to her subtype and a few unpleasant markers, she was informed that her only chance of 'cure' was a bone marrow transplant, luckily i'm a match, which was against the odds, so everything was able to go ahead fairly quickly!! We originally thought the transplant date was the 20th August, but its now penned in for the 17th of september!! We both still have a few tests left to go through, especially my sister who has at least one appointment at the hospital every day next week!!! It has been wonderful the last month and a half, (as her type of cancer requires that she spends nearly all of her treatment time in hospital), to see her out and about enjoying herself. Her hair and eyebrows are growing back and she is regaining most of the confidence she had before she fell ill, and she is starting to feel 'normal again', then in a few weeks time, we'll be back to less than square one!!! This is the bit we are all dreading!! She feels like she's just climed a huge mountain and she now has to climb another larger one, right from the bottom!!! We have all researched on the internet, none more so than myself, however not too many of the statistics are positive and it makes for very uncomfortable reading, my sister especially needs to stop reading internet research!! Its really affecting her positive outlook! So in away this time out is giving her too much time to think! Roll on 17th september, thats what i say!! (although i would like to thank many people who i have spoken to on this site, with positive stories, even though i know it must be hard to relive these times!) Sorry for waffling on, i just wanted to leave a small update, i'll blog again nearer the transplant date. Thankyou all for keeping me upto date with your situations, i read updates all the time, wishing you all good thoughts and wishes and sending all my love Lynnxxxx

Fingers Crossed!!!

2009-07-13T13:05:41Z

Hello, I've recently joined, and this is my very first blog, so i appologise in advance, im not quite sure what you are supposed to say!! My 25 year old youger sister was diagnosed with AML on 3rd of April 2009!! It still feels surreal to be writing that!! I think i've googled and read every possible site relating to it, (good and bad), but i still feel like i dont know nearly enough about it. I'm not quite sure what subtype she is, however i do know that chemotherapy is not going to work on its own, she needs a bone marrow transplant, and luckily i am a perfect match, (as perfect as it can be without being an identical twin!) and i feel totally blessed to be able to help her when she needs it most, especially as i know the odds were stacked against it. However i'm feeling really low/ angry at the moment. really just over the last couple of days (since the transplant meeting), especially when i think back to her wedding in october 2008, it just doesnt seem fair (as its not when anyone is thrown in at the deep end with any cancer). Hopefully i'll be back to my positive, upbeat self in a few days as i need to keep my sis motivated. Anyway sorry to have warbbled on, just wanted to let everyone know that reading all of your stories has really helped me over the past few days, and i hope you are all feeling positive, and keep up the blogs, it really means alot to us newbies, to hear the positive stories, have the support and learn how real people are coping, not just being bombared with the medical facts!!! Hopefully i'll have a positive update after the transplant next month. Much love to you all. Lynnxxxx