Life begins at 30.... Apparently!!

Bitter sweet, or sweet bitter

2009-12-02T13:47:09Z

Well the Mri results sound ok, Johns tumour is appearing to slowly die, hoever within the pockets, cysts are being replaced.

If its not one thing its another! Steriods started and honestly, i think i need an atom bomb to get him up at a decent hour to take them as now to top it all there is sleepdistubances. Which convieniently happen only at night, and thus he sleeps all day.

Im exhausted, fed up and bloody lonely.

My days are consumed with waiting for him to feel better, and genrally running around being a dogs body.

Not a happy bunny at the moment, how can radiotherapy make someone so much worse, he has no motivation to try and feel better.

Bring on 2010, as this year has been a marathon

where did this come from???

2009-11-26T22:29:51Z

Well i thought we were having a good week, then out of the blue John became devastated. He says its because i said its speech is becoming worse. Which i never even thought twice about, i guess im immune to the constant corrections and games of sharades. But im gutted.

I went out yesterday for and hour, when i returned hes so tearful, hes never been like this before, its like a different John. If anything i have wished for him at times to just cry, scream, etc but he hasnt. But all of a sudden hes really emotional, for the last 24 hours i cant even ask if hes ok without him getting choked up! Whats going on.

I asked him if hes worried about tommorows results and he said no, but i wonder why hes so instantly emotional, this isnt my John.

Its hard, im upset and feeling a bit lonley, hoe can i possibly make him feel better right now.

Roll on tommorow and maybe it will give rhyme to reason

tensions building

2009-11-25T08:47:30Z

Following a relitavley quiet weekend, John has had his repeat MRI on tuesday. We are now on pins waiting to see the oncologist on friday afternoon for the news. I was hoping that maybe he would ring just to say its all ok, but no, not this time! Am i being paranoid!

Ironically, John has been brilliant this week, but i dont want to get pulled into a false sense of security as last time i thought this and let the guard down we had the terrible blow that the bugger had started growing again, earth shaterring.

So we muddle through this week, not mentioning the d day, but trying to fill the days with fun things.

Will keep you posted, fingers crossed!!

ups and downs

2009-11-18T10:51:18Z

Well today is not such a good day, the last couple of days have been good. John has been quite motivated and has managed a small amount of activity.

Got a phonecall from the hospital yeasterday to confirm the next MRI post radiotherapy is on tuesday and results friday. But as always the false sense of security gets blown away as he has another siezure this morning, i put him to bed and this is now the day, waiting, and checking frequntly until he feels better to get up.

I actually took the bull by the horns yesterday and arranged to go over to a friends in the afternoon but this is now out. i will ring her shorly to let her know and cringe at yet another arrangment dashed.

Thats the thing i really hate.... you just cant plan ahead, the just in case is always there.

So i will now play facebook scrabble, catch up on tellie, and house work, ooooh cant wait!!

This is us

2009-11-16T09:16:44Z

Well ive always fancied the idea of blogging, so here goes, my spelling and grammar may be alot to be desired, but bear with me, i would like to voice our journey. I think if only to give me a bit of a sounding board, but also to hear from others.

I met John in Brisbane three years ago, i was travelling with a friend and it was the end of our trip. I had a amazing time and never wanted to come home. But as we all know bills to pay, work to do etc!!

When i was travelling through Byron Bay, a really hippy town, i decided to get my tarot cards read. Not a thing i would normally do but why not eh! I remember the woman, she was called Margot. She predicted i would meet some one soon, he would sweep me off my feet and would be the love of my life.... Yeah right whatever. Im the most independent person, loved dating, having fun, and partying so aspiring for a deep and meaningful was just not in my make up! We carried on backpacking and i didnt give Margot a second thought.

Our last spot to end our trip was Brisbane, it was chinese new year and the streets were vibrant party parades. It was fantastic. After a long evening of socialisng and having fun we headed back to our hostel, there was a big open air bar there and the disco night continued. There i was in the smoking area (shame on me) chatting away to other backpackers and having a drink. This Irish guy came up and started chatting away, i never thought anything of it as that is the way it is when you are a backpacker, you talk to anyone!

He was a bit different though, little did i now that he fancied the pants off me and i was going to be well and truly swept off my feet. We spent the next two days with each other, just getting to know each other, and i was preparig to head back to Sydney for my connecting flight home. I noticed a big scar on the side of his head, he told me openly about having a brain tumour and it being removed a few years previously. This didnt bother me atall, if anything i think i admired that he was open and the fact that he had had brain surgery had not stopped him from doing anything. He was travelling on his own and had left his job, friends and family back in Ireland to forfill a life ambition to see some of the world. Very brave.

John decided on the morning i was going back to Sydney to also get a flight back, he said he had more chance of finding work there as his funds were getting tight, he had already been in oz for four months and hadnt had to work yet. I was pleased i wouldnt be flying alone and was delighted he was coming with me. We stayed at the airport hotel in sydney the day before my flight out and i remember talking ALL night, he was great company and such a lovely person. I wished i could spend longer getting to know him.

The morning i flew out we exchanged numbers and e mails and promised to keep in touch, i invitied him to cardiff after his trip. But in the back of my mind i was sad as i thought of going back to my normal life. Holiday romances eh!

I returned back to the UK and within hours of getting home we were on MSN, e mail, texts etc. He was LOVELY!!! I remember on my flight, about 12 hours in to the greuling 23 hour trip i found a note he slipped into my bag without me knowing. It made me smile from ear to ear for the rest of the way home.

A week later after many conversations,John blew me away by saying.... Ive booked a flight back, can you pick me up from Heathrow on thursday (it was now tuesday). Stunned i said yes, then got off the phone and thought S***T!!! What if i dont fancy him, what if it was just a holiday thing etc etc. However, i then looked forward to meeting again. When i picked him up, i looked at his face and thats when i fell in love. We havent spent anytime apart since then, it was three years ago, we got married in March and looking back i believe Margot was right he is my soul mate.

Within the three years our life has changed ten fold, Six weeks after our wedding, John had a siezure, but the biggest yet, he was fitting for an hour and that was when i realised things were not so good now, we got told the news six weeks later the tumour had grown 20% inoperable and reffered to the oncologists for radiotherapy. And here we are now, six weeks post radiothrapy, in our first house we bought in august, a puppy who is an absoulte pain but makes us smile every day and also makes us get outside.

Its the hardest time ever, John is so tired and his speech, and memory has been seriously affected. Im Three stone heavier, as i m a binge eater under stress!! and i think rather than being the doting wife, im actually Creualla Deville at times. Patience has never been my strong point, but we are only human right? As i nurse care for others 37.5 hours a week. But then i come home, i can do that, infact i get a great sense of reward by doing it. Its another matter when its 24/7. I have not worked since august, as i dont feel its fair to be looking after others when i need to be looking after John. However im going back to work in January, and im actually looking forward to a bit of a break!!

On the lighter side, we have each other, we still absoultley dote on each other and i really really love him. Would i wish for a different deal...yes, but if it wasnt to be spent with John then no.... This is us

xxx