Life after my loss

2 months angry and OFSTED

2011-09-21T23:00:49Z

So I can now tick off the anger on the grief checklist all of a sudden I have this sudden urge to shout at people to tell them its not fair that I can't come home and sit with my husband and talk about the day, complain about the weather, sit with my freezing cold feet next to my own personal radiator.

Maybe I should just snap out of it as I can't change the fact he is not here by being angry and annoyed but the feeling just will not subside today. How will I let this anger go?

Work is busy and feel a sense of guilt that I was not there for 8 months to oversee my areas of responsiblity - hmmm will OFSTED accept the fact that I had to have time off to care for my husband and spend time with him during the last few months of his life, I doubt they will think that is a valid reason why blah blah % of children didn't progress 2 sub levels in literacy when they scrutinise the data, and then wonder why I haven't got a handle on the data for this year already even though we are only 3 week into the new academic year. I dread to think what they would make of my mad ramblings on here I mean just reading my posts back he spelling and grammar are terrible but I have to get what is swimming in my head out quickly in order to make space in my head for the new ramblings!

So even though I know that we could have that phone call at any time the sense of dread is hihgtened by the fact I am struggling to manage my work load when I have things to catch up on from the last 8 months whilst also trying to manage the new work load that arises daily, run a household, support my 2 children and find time to deal with the grief checklist that rolls around my head like a record with the needle stuck. Well perhaps I should just say to mr(s) OFSTED to try living my life and then they might understand that I can't automatically pull up a piece of paper giving x amount of reasons why this % of children are doing this and % of children are doing that and the impact of my absence cause this that and the other, but I am only human and my husband and I wanted to spend the last few months of his life together attempting to pretend the nightmare was not real.

So I am not just angry at the injustice of loosing my husband but I am angry that my life now is a constant catch up and I feel like I am drowning in paper, numbers, data, analysis, more paper, oh and then then the tears because I want my husband back to make things right again and I can't have my own way on that because the reality is horrible. I can just hear him now tutting at the fact I am not remembering all the good times we had the laughs the jokes the times that we shared our worries and concerns and they then seemed so tiny because we both knew we were right there for each other to support care and love for each other.

My apologies to ramble when I know everyone has so much to deal with themselves, thank you for reading and my love and hugs to you all x x

the tears that just appear

2011-09-14T21:17:55Z

Well third week back at work and fast approaching 2months since the death of my beloved husband. I still struggle to sleep i did think going back to work would make me tired, it has achieved that but as soon as my eyes begin to close my mind and body jumps to alert and races through like a whirlwind. I have managed though to get upstairs, after so many months of sleeping downstairs as my darling husband couldn't make it upstairs. I still feel closer to him down here sitting on the sofa but I had to force myself to make the move to going to bed in a more'normal' bedtime routine.

In many ways it is good to be back to the daily grind of going into work and teaching, but I often find myself in a bit of a daze or just standing in the staff room eyes glazed over shedding a few tears. I don't know where the tears are coming from, well I do but the sudden bursting into tears is still shocking, and sometimes my friends at work have not even said anything to spark them off. I have spent time analysing why it might be happening ( well this is a change from analysing data) and tried to change my routine at times when I would have text or rang my husband when life was different before the illness and before the massive loss but that not worked too well as I still check my phone as I leave in the evening, or plug the handsfree kit in to call and say I'm on my way home.

Then there is the coming in from work to the children starving even though they have ploughed their way through half the contents of the kitchen, fridge and freezer. So most nights they have eaten or are in the process of eating by the time I get in so I sit with a coffee and chat to them about their day and what they have been upto, my daughter then does her home work, goes to bed, I then start my paperwork and before I know it I realise I need to eat so grab a sandwich good job I have started to have a cooked meal at work as I can't see the point of just cooking for myself when I am late home. Hmmm that makes me seem like a bad mother I do cook and care for my lovely children most days just the couple of days when I have meetings my 17year old son takes charge in the kitchen for himself and sister so they can sit together and eat at a more reasonable time and I can relax with them when I come in and have a bit of a giggle with them.

I am not looking forward to the next couple of weeks as I know it will be 2 months and time is moving quickly and as much as I want to turn the clock back to happier days when we were all together as our happy family unit I know I can't do that. So the longing to hear his reassuring voice is so strong at the moment it hangs in my daily routine and I know he will be cross that I am not taking control and facing things like I would normally.

Feel like a bit of a moaner in this blog but I guess that is where I am at at the moment I'm angry that our life is not as it should be for the sake of the family and tired and emotionally drained because I do feel like I miss him more and more each day and annoyed when people say it will get easier in time and I can'rt see that right now.

Well moan over and I feel a little more at ease since my rant but I do apologise and hope wish everyone on here love courage and best wishes x

Day 42 ~ first day back at work

2011-09-01T22:46:31Z

Well I have been off work since end of October 2010 cared for my husband and lost him at the end of July. It seems to have been an epic journey full of emotions and now I am struggling to piece back my life slowly. Todays step was huge walking through the doors for the first day of a new term. There was awkward silence followed by hugs followed by tears followed by meetings followed by more tears. However I did manage to see the day through and feel a little bit of achievement at this small step.

There were times today when I used to phone or text that I found myself picking up the phone ready to write the text or ring, but had to stop myself and the stark reality hit once again that I had noone to share my achievements with, worries with or jokes with at the random remarks people had made. Then on the way ome I realised again that the house would be empty when I got back as my son was enrolling at college and my daughter was with my parents. Thankfully by the time I had got back my mum and daughter were back at our house and were busy making me a drink in the hope I wouldn't be late! It was a relief to have them there when I walked through the front door.

As I shared the events of the day it just didn't feel the same, I kept expecting the little remarks or jokes he would have made about our days events, but my words just hung in the air. But as I sit here now dreading the next day I still feel a little sense of achievement and I'm trying not to loose sight of this.

With love to all on this site x

art work, spiders, lonely, bathroom ~ day38

2011-08-28T00:14:58Z

Art work ~ spent the day working on art pieces something I have not done for years, it was a calm day collecting my thoughts in some rather expressive pieces. I had forgotten how relaxing it can be to put your thoughts on paper without the need to say to people this is this because.The guilt crept in a few hours later though as I had pushed aside my grief and expressed myself no holes barred and escaped into my own private little world.

Spiders ~ my son has just come downstairs and asked me to get rid of the largest spider known to mankind. Normally I would have fluttered my eyes at my husband and he would have giggled knowing that there was no way I was going to venture upstairs with sidney the spider wandering around. But he is not here so I had to go and deal with it on the agreement that my son made a large cuppa for my return. With new argos catalogue in hand for the squashing of offending spider and pj trousers tucked into a pair of boots I trudge upstairs and deal with the beasty!! It is these little things that make me realise just how much we did together and how well we knew each other, oh and how much my heart still aches for him.

Lonely ~ Normally after a creative time I would come home and show off my paintings and listen to him hmm and arhh over how he liked them or thought that the colours worked well. He was the only person I have evr explained my paintings too, he would listen and sometimes pretend to understand, but I didn't mind because I knew he would later say I will never understand why an artist makes things so complicated for people to read a painting when they are so beautiful to look at, just like you. So even though I enjoyed the painting it made me lonely that the hours of escape couldn't then be shared with my best critic.

Bathroom ~ This week has been spend having a new bathroom fitted. It was our plan for this summer but it took me weeks to make a choice over a bathroom and then had to wait for a family friend to fit it. Now it is all fitted just waiting for the plaster to dry before I paint the little bit of untiled wall. It looks beautiful, we had brought the just after he finished chemo in March and as his illnes rapidly progressed they just sat piled in the dining room gathering dust. It breaks my heart hes not here to see how fantatic it looks, see the flooring I selected, sit in the new bath use the new shower. Although it is amazing to have running cold water without having to use a screwdriver to switch on the taps in bathroom and watch as little droplets fallout taking over an hour to fill the bath, but it is difficult to enjoy this luxury when you can not share it with the person you love.

Day 34 lost for words...

2011-08-23T21:52:57Z

Just had a fantastic phone call from a friend from work, the thought of going back to work has been playing on my mind and with the new term starting next week I am dreading walking through the doors. I know that everyone will be supportive and concerned, but it is this concern that worries me, I will find the sympathy and people's fear of saying the wring thing a struggle. I am still me all be it on my own, I still want to work, do things and be who I am yet I know people will be worried about upsetting me and feel like they don't know what to say other than I'm sorry for you loss, it must be so difficult' blah blah blah.

I'm trying to piece back my family and part of that is going to work and doing what I trained for 3yrs for. Yet how do I explain this without sounding like I am being selfish and not respecting my darling husband? I worship him more than anyone will ever know and miss the banter we had together, coming home from work and chatting about our days as we sit for our family meal, so this is yet another first hurdle I need to get through and the fear of this is first is mounting on a daily basis as the day draws nearer and nearer.

I seem really cold and heartless when I know all people want to do is show me kindness and support, but the support I really need is not here and I don't know how to accept other people's support? When people say to me I'm so sorry for your loss what am I expected to say back, so I thank them and then there is this awful silence as people then struggle to find the words to say next. I try my best to fill the silence but it hangs there me knowing that they are struggling to see me as me, rather than that poor soul who has lost her husband and we no longer know what to say to her.

Do you think this makes me selfish or cold hearted? How do other people cope with the 'sympathy' and 'silence' after the sorry for your loss statements? Is this a normal reaction? All these things I would normally have spoken to hubby about but not having him here makes me question my reactions about everyday things, decisions I have to make, my reactions to things and makes me realise with shocking reality how much I have lost.

I hope that who ever reads this is well and I send my love and best wishes to everyone who uses the site as ever x

Day 32

2011-08-21T22:28:52Z

Well the weekend away held a range of emotions.

Betral~ it felt like a huge betral to be leaving for the weekend without him. I knew that I needed to go to be with my daughter and to let my son have a little time to relax and also give myself time to try and learn how to sleep and most importantly give my children their mum back.

Guilt ~ Should I be laughing and giggling? Should I be smiling and having fun? Should I be happy? Yes I know that he would want me to be all those things but the sense of guilt was huge and writing this in my journal helped me to express this feeling and also recognise that just because I am laughing etc I have not stopped loving him with all my heart and soul.

Happiness ~ To let my children be children giving my son the space he needed to be a young adult, finding his way in life and carving out his own way but secure enough to still reach out and ask for help when he needs it. My daughter the space to learn to grow, to ask questions, to be a child laughing, enjoying and building happy memories.

Saddness ~ We all should have gone, but instead I just had a tiny little photo the one I want to use in a locket when I eventually find the right one to keep him closer to me. We should have been building more memories altogther, laughing, sharing and enjoying.

Lonely ~ even though I was being a mum and caring for my children I still felt that sense of being alone.

Annoyed / Jealous ~ Walking along the sea front chatting with my daughter all I noticed was happy couples and families, holding hands, laughing all I could think was how dare they be so happy, that should be us. It annoyed me because I was jealous of the fact they have their whole lives together and I have lost the love of my life. It annoyed me beacuse they clearly don't realise how lucky they are.

Dread ~ because I knew I would have to come home and face the post, the sorting out, the long nights, the feeling of being alone, the fact I am going to have to go upstairs to sleep in the bedroom soon, and the fact that everytime when I walk through the door it hits me like a sledge hammer that he is gone.

Achievement ~ I have taken another little step in my journey it hurts like nothing I have ever known, but its just like learning to walk sometimes I fall down, but I know I have to learn to get back up and try again to make another little step.

Thank you for reading and I hope all is well with you all with love x

Day 29

2011-08-18T21:08:52Z

Well today has been spent packing to go away to give my daughter a bit of time with me and my son a bit of time to do normal 17yr old things, thankfully he is a sensible lad whom has given me so much love and support over the past weeks but I know he needs a bit of time for his own emotions. My daughter 11yrs is struggling with the loss so some time to sit on the beach sand in the sandwiches will help us both talk about her feelings in neutral grounds.

Although I know going away for the weekend is a good idea it does not stop the guilt I feel about leaving our home, I feel like I should be staying in the house just in case he needs me, yet I know he is not here, and would want me to make sure the children are cared for and given space to talk, relax and enjoy being children / young adults.

The thought of being away from his things is also worrying, at the moment if I need to feel close to him I can sit next to his chair, sit and hold a jumper etc but if I am not home this makes these things impossible. I will have my journal to write to him, and a picture I have chosen to carry around with me but will this be enough? Then I calm down and think about the need for me to get back into a sleep pattern that resembles 'normal' rather than sitting watching the hands on the clock move at snail pace throughout the night.

If I can make this step will it take him further away from me? I don't believe it will as I hold a vast amount of delightful loving memories that will be mine forever even though he is no longer here. So making this step will help my children gain part of their mummy back and build a tiny bit of our lives back whilst holding on to our precious memories.

So days 30 and 31 will be missing from my blog but my thoughts will be with those who read my ramblings to give you strength through your own experiences. x x

Life after loss day 28 the wedding ring tale!

2011-08-17T22:45:47Z

Well today seemed to go faster than I thought, but then my famous list of things to do helped as I made sure I had enough time to stop and eat but rest of day was full!

I was expecting a call today about his wedding ring, during his illness he lost weight ~ yes all be it in the strangest of ways e.g. his fingers got slimmer but because of the steriods he developed the 'moon face.' He sat there on the sofa and panic set in as he realised he had lost his ring, we retraced his steps from the previous day which was not hard, bathroom, kitchen, dining room and living room upstairs had been a no go area for some time as he couldn't manage the stairs safely. I turned the house upside down looking but no sign, went outside as we had been to the hospital for his radiotherapy but again no sign. After finally resigning ourselves to it turning up when we least expected it we sat watched the horse racing wrapped in each others arms.

A week after he died I had an appointment to see the fantastic pyschologist we had been visiting but as ever I had been awake most of the night. Instead of reliving our finally hours together I spent the night going through all the places to look for his wedding ring. I managed to hold out looking in the car until 7am as I didn't think the neighbours would appreciate all the door slamming etc. After frantically searching I collapsed in the passenger seat and felt a sudden sense of calm, as I decided I would chance it and ask at the hospital.

After the appointment I explained to the psychologist I needed to find someone to ask if a wedding ring had been handed in, as I stood at the desk waiting she came over and asked me to come to the nurses office ~ there I was told a ring had been handed in and the description matched that of my husbands ring. However as with everything that had happened during his illness things were not that simple, holidays, manager with key not in due to broken limb etc so I am still waiting to collect his ring, but I don't mind as I know where it is, and the sense of relief I felt still helps at times.

When I got home I squeezed the arm of his chair grinning as I said thank you to my love for helping me find his ring. I know to some that this might seem a little far fetched but to me I know that this proves that our love for each other was strong, and our bond unbroken.

Even though I know Wednedsays are going to be difficult for many months to come as I relive each moment from that awful time as he passed away I take comfort in moments like the wedding ring incident, they seem to settle my racing mind and give me peace for a while and make me realise that what I will always have is our love, memories, and devotion.

Life after loss day 27

2011-08-17T00:02:12Z

Well thank you to everyone who commented on day 26 post your kind words and comments helped.

Spent today nervously filling in time with jobs ~ shopping, sorting food, dragging my daughter uniform shopping in the evening when I know it is not as busy dreading that time of night when I get to sit and watch the seconds pass by seemingly taking hours.

And now it is the early hours of Wednesday morning when I relive the events of 27 days ago the same images rolling round again and again every Wednesday without fail. I hear his last words I love you so very much and wish he was here to tell me in person. Yet I know how much he loves me and that feels me with a sense of calm every other day.

Well as I sit here and ponder events I know that he is here tutting at my rambling as he always did when I waffled at night!!! Smiling at me as I explain how much I love him and chuckling at my list making ready for the next day, knowing that I'll only manage half of the A4 list and what is not ticked off will start the next list!!!

day 26

2011-08-16T00:16:48Z

I lost my husband to NSCLC 26 days ago, and the massive sense of loss still overwhelms me on a daily basis. At just 51 he had everything, we had plans, hopes and dreams then suddenly 8 months ago we were hit by the steam train of cancer. Huge problems arose at various points ~ secondary cancer in the brain followed by the bones yet we always strived to protect our families and my husband bravely fought each day.

I sometimes feel I let him down ~ and the what if questions form in my head What if I had taken better care of him? What if I had worked hard to find solutions, treatments? What if I had had gone with him to the GP earlier? I know that the what if's will eventually shrink but for now they ring around my head like alarm bells sounding, so I sit and write them down and then talk them through to make sense of them.

One of the hardest parts is not being able to talk through things with him, we had spend our lives together working through ups and downs by each others side, so now as I muddle through the vast amounts of 'sorting' and hit obstacles I miss the chat we would have had about those things. So several days ago I can up with the idea of writing a journal after all we often wrote letters to each other just to brighten up our days or express our love. So now each night I write to him in my journal and sometimes the problems I faced no longer seem enourmous.

I am determined not to let him down, let my life come to a stand still, but to use every experience we had together shape my path and make me stronger. The priviledge of our love will live on x