need to vent frustration

2009-01-22T16:16:07Z

And so it begins! I start radiation therapy next Wednesday, and I have to do that 5 days a week. and then start chemo next Thursday and that is once a week in 3 hour intervals. I'm scared, but trying to be optimistic. cancer seems to slowly rip away everything you know and strive for. first it took my modesty: (hard to be modest when you need help in the bathroom.) Then went my independence, (on so many levels)next was my social life and my job. my parenting ability and the list goes on! Its so frustrating. I try really hard to not get stuck in the "what ifs" or the "if I would haves" but the success of that really depends on the day. It dont matter how many people are around me I still feel isolated and alone. people are constantly telling me "we will get through this" but I sure dont feel like it is we.I feel like its me. I have been in a haze of unrealistic waiting. basically I have been there all my life but I didnt figure that out till I wrote the last sentence. always waiting for something to get better, but too afraid to take the steps to make it better. so does everything happen for a reason?, does the higher power really only give you what you can handle? I dont know! and im tired of trying to figure that out. I just want to be over this hurdle but danm its a high one. I will get through it. by no means will it be easy but 1 day at a time is all I've got right now. (which by the way is really difficult for a planner) It wont beat me, I wont let it. I have two wonderful children that still need me, and for the record I still need them. but it is the hardest fight I have ever had to fight and its scary. BUT I WILL SURVIVE THIS!!!!

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need to vent frustration