lawrie's blog

live life - be happy

2009-12-30T14:34:20Z

hi everyone - hope your all well and looking forward to the new year - i have had a nice christmas and the little one had a lovely time too-- well today we are going to wakefield and staying over at a friends so looking forward to that - went to the hospital yesterday and everything is fine for the go ahead on tuesday for my second round of chemo - i have been reading through the blogs the last couple of days and it seems to be a mixed bag of emotions with everyone -all i would like to say is - live life and enjoy the good times -dont waste time or energy on the negative comments - as we all know life is far too short to allow others to drag us down to their level of misery -i am sorry for those who feel they need to vent their spleen but this is a support group and we all have a moan and groan but there is avery fine line that has to be drawn to ensure that we dont overstep it and become bitter and twisted - i suppose i should get of this soap box now - but i wish everyone a happy and healthy new year and look forward to speaking to everyone in the new year - karen -xoxo

my chemo was cancelled!!

2009-12-24T22:54:26Z

went to hospital on wednesday for my second cycle of chemo - when i arrived i felt unwell and my temperature was really high - they had to admitt me and cancell the chemo - they have let me home tonight and have given me loads of antibiotics to take and have told me to keep an eye on my temp - at least i am home for christmas and can be with the little one - hopefully will be able to have my chemo in two weeks -hope everyone has a lovely christmas and a happy new year - karen -xoxo

feeling fine!

2009-12-13T20:15:04Z

hi there - hope all is well for everyone - well the weekend is over and what a good one it has been - i managed to get all the washing and ironing done on saturday and went to my sisters house for tea - well i invited myself - you dont get if you dont ask - lol - we got there and while i was having a coffee at the kitchen table i could feel myself falling off to sleep - so i was ordered off to bed while tea was being made - the little one was fine playing with her cousins so off i went - the next thing i knew it was 9.30 - opps - got up and had a coffee and went off home - took my tea with me of course and had it when i got home - the little one went straight off to bed - so that was saturday over before i knew it really - today -well it has been one of those days where you no sooner seem to have got up and it is time to be getting ready for bed - except i have had to catch up on X factor with being asleep last night - waiting for the results to come in as i write this bolg - i am feeling really good at the mo and hope that the rest of my chemo goes as well - think i might go shopping tomorrow if i still feel as good as i do today - will wait and see - well i will go for now and hope your all ok and feeling gtood -karen - xoxo

day 10 of chemo and my trip to whitby

2009-12-12T01:59:40Z

hi there - hope everyone is well - i have not wrote for a while but i have kept trying to follow what everyone has been up to - the last 10 days have been fairly ok - my biggest problem seems to be is that i am very tired - but i seem to have got that sorted out and have began pacing myself - i suppose you just have to try things and find what suits you really - as far as the chemo is concerned i think i am  coping ok with it - living on my own with the little one and having chemo was at first a bit scarry - bu to be honest because i have always been a very independant person and strong willed i find it hard to ask for help - but i now know that i am not doing myself any favours by being the matre so had to ring my cousin last sunday and she came straight round and got the house and me all sorted - i felt much happier in allowing someone else to take control and sort stuff out - i  never thought i would say that -

i feel as if i might be getting a cold so must keep an eye on that-my temperature always reads low so keeping an eye on that as well -

my next cycle of chemo is on the 22nd dec so i havedecided to accept a very kind invite to go for christmas dinner at my daughters boyfriends parents house - i have always been the one to organise the celebrations and run around after everyone - this year i am going to take a rest - allow other people to spoil me -

i have been to whitby for the day today - it was lovely - mia (my dog) had a lovely time too -we parked the car and went for a walk down to the pier and went onto the sands for mia to have a good run around - it was lovely to hear the waves lapping up onto the beach and watching mia running around and slidling her head into the sand then charging into the water - once she had seemed to have had enough - which i am sure she would have stayed there all day if i had let her we left the beach and headed of towards the shops - i found a lovely little shop that sold lots of nice trinkets and christamssie things - i began with picking up a few ornaments and then i saw something else and by the time i had finished i had spent £70 opppps - but there was so many lovely things - i could have spent even more - we made our way back to the car as we had spotted some disabled parking places next to the MAGPIE fish and chip place and we thought that we could put the car there and leave mia in ther car while we had some lunch -when we got back to the car we had a parking ticket - our fault really for not looking at the parking metre - that was another £25 - opps again - good job i had already been and spent my monies in the shop or i would have felt too guilty to spend it after that - we moved the car and parked up - showing the disalbled ticket and went for fish chips mushsie peas and a pot of tea -i managed to eat most of it and enjoyed every little bit of it - that done and paid for we headed back home to york - it was a bit misty over the moors but i must say i had the most enjoyable day i have had in a long time - got home just in time for the little one returninng from school - she was going to her friends and once she had left i got my head down on the sofa and slept until she came home at 9pm - well after such an hetic day i am going to get myself off to bed and see what tomorrow brings - love to you all - karen - xoxo

my chemo started today!

2009-12-02T22:27:06Z

well today i started my chemo - arrived at the hopspital at 8.30am and didn't leave until after 6pm - it was a long day but everything seemed to go very well - i didn't sleep too well last night so i kept falling off to sleep which helped to pass the time away - during this last week my little one has been quiet and asking lots of questions regarding my chemo - when i went for my pre-assessment on monday i discussed with the nurse if it would be ok to bring her along with me for her to see where i was and what was happening to me - we decided that it would be ok - so when i asked her if she would like to come and see where i was going to be and what would be happening she said yes - i am so pleased that i decided to take her - she went off to school at 10am a very settled little girl - which was lovely to see as she has not been in a very good place this last week or so - so has been getting very angery and crying a lot which she dosen't understand why this is happening to her - so aking her to the hospital today allowed her to that i was settled and that it really was ok what was happening to me - the nurse was lovely and explained to her what would be happening the rest of the day - i feel fine - just tired but i have been feeling tired for quiet some time now so just need to be careful not to pick up0 any nasty bugs along the way - looking forward to a good nights sleep hopefully - take care every-one and hi richard -thanks for your comments on my earlier post - hope your doing ok - karen - xoxo

tuesday and we slept in!

2009-11-24T22:02:14Z

woke up and it was 8.30 - i am normally up and getting ready to be going off to the dog field at this time - my little one was in the lounge getting ready for school - she wouldn't go straight to school though as it is not the done thing to go into school half way through a lesson so we would have to wait until 10am - what do i do - mia was sat there looking at me with tail wagging - i decided that even if i only got half an hour before school i would take her to the field while the little one got ready for school - when i got to the field my firends were there and they said they would look after mia while i did the school run - i trundle off back home, got the little one into the car, went to school and then back to the fiield - i was shattered by the time i got back home - quick cup of coffee and i then had to go to the other side of town to work to collect a few things - it was lovely to see everyone and i ended up having lunch with some of the students and staff - back home and thought i had best get something organised for tea - decided on good old fashioned winter food - mince and onions with mash and yorkshire puds - this is place i went of to the field again before it was too dark - the little one was late home from school today as she had hockkey tournament and when she arrived home i think she could have eaten a scabby horse - her tea didn't touch the sides - bless her - tea finished and pots tidied up - well left on the drainer to dry - i was so tired - we decided that we would both have an early night and went off to bed about 8pm - i went straight to sleep but woke up again about 9.30pm so here i am having a look at what everyone else is up to - i have another busy day tomorrow

ct scan at 10am

consent papers to sign at hospital at 12

vitamin injections at 12.40 at the hospital

not to forget mia and her visits to the dog field - i have had another couple of people approach me on the dog field and they have offered to come and collect mia for walks for me while i'm having my treatment - how lovely are some people - anyway i will go for now and hope everyone is well - love karen - xoxo - i'll be back tomorrow to see what everyone has been up to - sleep tight -

i hope that when they do start this chemo it will help to eleviate the pain i am in - even with all the mst and oral morphine it is still very painful - so fingers crossed it might be easier - xoxo

not too long to wait for chemo now!

2009-11-23T22:08:54Z

hi there - hope everyone is ok - well i have been really busy since i last bolgged but have managed to keep popping on and seeing what everyone has been up to - i went to have my tooth removed today - and as i have said before this is something that i was really dreading - i am so scared of the dentist - anyhow - i went with a PMA and guess what? it was out within a few minutes and i didn't feel a thing - it came out in one piece as well so i was over the moon - my fear of the dentist today has dipped slightly but i am sure it will raise its ugly head again the next time i have to visit - i suppose it is just one of those things - once you have a bad experience it is hard to get over it sometimes - any how - chemo starts a week on wednesday so i am busy with appointments and trying to get things ready for christmas, so time seems to be going by pretty quickly for me at the mo - i had a lovely time on the dog field again today with mia and have arranged with some of the other dog owners to come and call for mia if i'm not too well at any time - i am really pleased that they are willing to do this for me because it is important that she gets out as all us dog lovers know, dogs dont understand why they cant go out for their walks, also if she has been out then she will be settled and not be bothering me all the time if you know what i mean - my little one seems to be a bit better at the mo - i think that she was upset the other day at school because of all that is going on at home with me - bless her - but she had a lovely weekend with her friends - she went to the ice rink and pizza hut afterwards then she had a sleepover at her friends house and sunday she spent some time with her firend here and they messed around with each others hair and makeup and chatting on the internet, then they went out to meet their friends in the village and at the park - it was lovely to she her enjoying herself and has gone back to school a happy little bunny - bless her - anyway - i will go for now and look forward to reading more blogs - sending lots of hugs and hope everyone is feeling ok - karen - xoxo

two weeks until i start chemo

2009-11-18T12:17:12Z

well i have been busy with the appointments as you all will be too aware of. i went for my kidney funtion test yesterday so i was backwards and forwardss to the hospital three times, so didn't get much else done really yesterday - went to bed at 8, i felt shattered. this morning got up and took the dog for her morning run around the dog field and met up with her mate dev, we were the only ones out - just goes to show who the dog lovers are - dogs need to be out and about even if it is raining.

went to the dentist at 10 - that is another saga which is driving me mad at the mo - i have had an absess which keeps flaring up - the ongologist has said that she wants me to have the tooth removed before chemo starts - but the dentist can't get to it because it is so swolen so she has put me on antibiotics and has drained the tooth so that hopefully they can pull it out on monday - i must say that i am petrified of the dentist - i have been to the doctos and she has given me a valliun to take an hour before they take it out - that is how bad i am - any way not long and hopefully that will be the end of the tooth saga - looking out of the window and the weather dosen't seem to have settled much so i think it is going to be another wet session at the dog field this afternoon - but she is worth it.

tomorrow is my daughters 26th birthday so we are having a tea party here at home so i am really looking forward to having birthday cake and the family round so will have to make sure i dont over do things tomorrow and start falling asleep over the jelly and icecream lol - i dont have any more appointments in my diary now until monday so might start looking at christmas presents in the old argos book - lol.

my little one has just phoned me from school in tears - bless her - she dosen't want to go into music lesson - she says her teacher is picking on her - this is the first i have heard of this so i think it might just be a case of her feeling a little bit sad and not quiet sure why - bless her - i have told her to go and see her head of year - who know what is happening at home and hopefully she will help to settle her down - it is times like this when you really do feel hopeless - she is only twelve bless her and she is dealing with this terrible thing really well - she said she is angry at the doctors for not getting it all the first time and is worried about how i am going to be when i have the chemo - bless her - there is only the two of us at home so she must be feeling very anxious about it all.

anyway i willl go for now as i seem to have written an awful lot this morning - hope everyone else is feeling ok and not getting the winter blues - sending lots of hugs and kisses - will post again tomorrow - karen - xoxo

have been given a date to start chemo!

2009-11-13T13:05:27Z

hi there everyone - well it has been a very hetic and busy week - i am lost when i try to think what has happened and when it happened - i went to see the specialist and she told me that the cancer was not in my jaw but it has gone into the lymph nodes in my neck - which is not what i wanted to hear - anyway - now we know that the cancer is in the chest and neck it was decided that i needed to go and see the ongologist the following day - this meeting went well - as usual you spend the first half hour going over your previous tests results and then a quick examination then onto the nitty gritty bit regarding the treatment - the percentages of how many peoiple respond to it etc - all i am interested in really is getting on with it - the plan is

go for kidney funtion tests on the 17th nov

have my tooth removed on the 18th (which i am petrified of - have been to the doctors for vallium to take before i go - how sad am i? but it has to be done)

go for vitamin injections on the 25th

pre assessment on the 30th

ist chemo on the 2nd dec

i am going to be given pemetrexed and cisplatin chemotherapy - i have to go onto the day ward for the day every three weeks for about 4/5months - so keeping fingers crossed that everything goes well - if anyone out there has had this mixture i would love to hear from you - my second session will be on the 23rd dec - so i think i will be getting busy this next week or two getting prepared for christmas presents - i feel a lot happier now that i have a plan and feel sure that it will all be ok - anyway - i will go for now and i will keep posting to let everyone know how i am doing - i dont always make comments but i do try to keep up with everyones blogs - some of them make me smile and some make me feel a bit sad but that what this is all about - we are all here to give our love and support to each other and i think we all do a very good job of doing that - so keep it up folks - bye for now - mia is sat here looking at me as to say come on, it is that time - in dog language of course - lol - xoxo

mia and my wonderful nephew

2009-11-09T13:07:51Z

test results tomorrow hopefully

2009-11-09T10:20:01Z

hi every one - hope all is good- well i am trying to kep busy as usual - keeps your ind of other things if you keep busy - that is what y mu always told me so who am i to question her! got the little one off to school and got myself ready to take the dog out for her morning run around - we are very lucky where i live that we have an area which is for owners and their dogs to have a walk, runaround, chat and socialise the dogs as well - so mia, who is my chocolate lab, and i went off to meet up with our friends and i must say as usual it is so nice to get out in the fresh air for an hour or two sometimes depending on how much spare time i have - which is usually quiet a lot these days now that i am not at work - mia is a very socialable dog but her best friend is dev who is a little black staff - he is wonderful - i will have to work out how to post poto's and maybe put one on of mia - i have noticed that there are a few dog lovers on site so maybe they would like to see her - anyhow - got home and had a coffee and checked my emails then popped on here to have a quick look at what is going on - i love reading debs blogs - they make me smile everytime - well i have to go in a mo as i have arranged to have my hair washed and straightened at the hairdressers - which i am going to do each week because i feel that i deserve a treat and i love having my hair done - will pop back on again later and see what has been happening - if not i will try and post tomorrow after seeing my specialist - hopefully with some news about starting treatment - fingers crossed - bye for now - have a good day - kare xoxo please excuse any typos but in a rush and haven't time to check - bye

tests and waiting!!

2009-11-04T11:02:05Z

hi there every-one - well i have had more tests done again - went for a scan on my jaw and biopsy on lymphnode in my neck yesterday - i am seeing the specialist again on tuesday so hoping they will be able to give me some idea as to how we are going to fight this thing - this waiting and having tests done is realy hard but then i suppose it is only in our own interests that they do this - they need to get a full picture of what is going on then they are able to offer us the proper treatment plan for our particular situation - well that is what i tell myself so that i can get through the awful waiting - sometimes i think it would be nice if i could take a pill that would make me sleep for the two weeks and then wake up to the results - lol - how good would that be - anyway hope everyone on here are having a good day - take care of yourselves - karen - xoxo

told my little one today that my cancer has returned

2009-10-29T21:37:34Z

i told my little one today that the cancer has returned - she was very good bless her - the first thing she said was are they going to operate again - i told her that it wasn't an option this time - she then said 'are you going to die' - i took a big deep breath and explained to her that we couldn't say what was going to happen we have to wait for the results of the tests - i asked her if she was upset and she said no - i was shocked - she then said should i be? do you want me to be upset? i wasn't too sure what to say - but i told her that i thought she might be feeling something - she said she was - she said that she felt really angry at the doctors for not getting it all the first time round - how strange! - she tought that being upset was crying - i explained to her that being upset covered a lot of emotions - she seemed ok with that - i think she felt that she was dissapointing me by not crying - she is a bit like me with crying - it is something we just dont seem to do - bless her -

Also - thanks everyone for your comments - i have had phone calls today regarding my scans - i have appointments for tuesday - ct scan of jaw early morning and ultra sound and biopsy on lymph node lunch time - i am also having my back tooth removed on monday afternoon - i have been having awful problems with absesses so i am hoping that it is the absess that is showing up on the scan and not the cancer - the specialist seems to think there is a chance that it might be the absess so fingers crossed -i am terried of dentist and have already been to see the doctor who has given me a couple of valium to take an hour before my appointment - lol - so hopping that they will take the edge of the fear of the dentist - then it is the waiting again - i see the specialist on the following tuesday for the results and hopefully we will be able to begin orgainsing treatment - hope everyone is ok and sending lots of hugs and cuddles - karen - xoxo

crying

2009-10-28T23:08:01Z

hi there everyone - i have had a terrible day today - i am usually very strong minded and dont give into crying - it is just how i am - but today - i have burst into tears for no reason - well there is reasons but nothing happened out of the ordinary to make me feel that way - if you know what i mean - i am so muddled up - i cant believe that i have to wait yet another two bllody week before i know what is going to be happening - i like to have a plan and then i feel as if i am in some sort of partnership with what is going to be happening to me and i can begin to prepare myself for what lays ahead - i think i am a bit of a control freak - but it has always worked for me so i suppose now should be no different - i really dont like this feeling of not being in control - the school holidays are nearly over and i have done nothing at all with my little one - i am going to have to talk to her soon - she is beginning to get really bad tempered and quite moody - i really was hoping to be able to tell her what was happening after my appointment with specialist yesterday - but i know just as much as i did four weeks ago - the waiting part is really the hardest - it was before and it is no different this time around - you dont get used to it at all - my hisband and i are seperated and he suffers from mental health problems so he isn't dealing with this very well at all - however - he has said that if he is ok he will take me shopping tomorrow because the little one needs some new clothes getting and i am unable to drive very far because of the pain - hopefully a bit of retail theraphy will make the little one a little bit happier - we will wait and see - i have told the older children and they think that maybe she needs to know that it has come back - any way i will go for now and hope i have a better daya tomorrow - karen - xoxo

though the waiting was nearly over

2009-10-28T23:06:27Z

hi - thanks every one for your kind words - i went to see the specialist today - i was told that they had the results back from all the scan and they still weren't happy with the results - the pet scan showed something in my jaw and the lymph node in my chest so they now want me to have a ct scan of the jaw and ultra sound scan and biopsy of the lymph node - and yes - i have to wait for another two weeks for the results - hopefully then they will be able to tell me what they can offer me - they did mention giveing me chemo and radiotheraphy together - which is quiet intense but they feel that it might be my best option - but they cant say for definate - 'we will have to wait and see' - i feel very let down and not looking forward to having to go through all the waiting again - but what can i do? has anyone else heard of or had this treatment? karen - xoxo