julie580

Sad time

2011-06-25T11:38:13Z

On Thursday at 7.15pm my step niece lost her fight. Her 2 small children have been told but are so young dont realise quite what this is going to mean for them,.

My mum had an oncology app the same day, everyones emotions are so over the place at the moment nothing more I can really say.

But on a good note watched my niece leaving for her prom last night and she looked absolutely stunning. She has certainly changed into a beautiful swan.

Would of liked to do a positive blog

2011-05-15T13:45:57Z

I really wanted todays blog to be positive, instead of my usual moaning ones. Unfortunately fate has stepped in again and I cant, Positive thinking is just not working at the moment.

Before I start I would just like to thank everyone for their blogs they really do help and I apologise that I haven't replied to any. I have tried on many occassions to reply each and every one touches me whether its good or bad, and I would love to respond. But as I write a reply it just doesn't seem the right thing to say, at least not in my head anyway. So I dont send it. But I am here in the background taking it all in, I would just like you all to know that.

Anyway Monday mum phoned me in tears uncontrollable irrational tears. All I could do was listen, everything I said was wrong to her. She had come out of hospital on Sunday, back to her own doctors on Monday to be told she had a nasty infection in her wound. All I could do was listen to her rant and rave about how she was having treatment It was a complete waste of time cause it is 1 foot forward 3 back. There was nothing I could say to come her she was completely irrational. I came of the phone after hours and although I knew it was just today she felt like that, I was so upset that my mum was upset, if that makes sense. I knew none of it was meant personally to me and that we just got to take the good days and the bad days when they happen

Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday were all positive days, mum had got over (if that is the right expression ) the day before and was feeling quite positive. As she said she knows what is going to happen but is not going to let it get her down. All good there then. As I said good and bad days we know they going to happen and deal with whatever as it happens.

Friday, oh my god nobody could of predicted Friday........... Mum phones in tears at 9 am, my step niece is also fighting cancer she is just 24 with 2 small children. My stepdads daughter had phoned him in tears she has had a phone call from the hospital, they have got bad news for Adela and would like her there for support. My mum says to him, you have to go and be there for support they need you. He didn't want to leave mum, mum says I am ok they need you more than I do right now, at least I can make myself a cup of tea.... So of he goes. The wait I cannot explain but know you all know what I mean... I am 45 miles away and couldn't go down hadn't made arrangements for the kids. ( Which I am having trouble dealing with cause I should just be able to go without a moment hesitation but unfortunately cant ) I couldn't settle to anything I knew it meant only one thing. Kept phoning mum, she hadn't heard anything. The day seemed to go in slow motion. Anyway finally got that call to say Adela has 3 months left without chemo and 1yr at most with chemo. Mum had to stop she was sobbing couldn't get the words out. Adela screamed for her mum and grandad. My stepdad said he couldn't do anything was rooted to the spot..

He came home from the hospital and just broke down,. I think every one of us broke down on Friday, I was on the phone talking to my hubby crying telling him what had happened, as he's ex wife walks into my house to pick her sons bits and pieces up. She asked what was going on, she knows about my mum but not my step niece. So I told her through my tears. She replied " god what is it with your family " like we asked for it like anyone asks for cancer. She then went on to ask whether i was using my tumble dryer or pegging washing on the line. God how insensitive like I give a damn how the bloody washing is being dried at the moment....

Point is she should really know how I am feeling last year she was in this very same situation with her mum... I looked after her son for 18 mths so she could spend every second of every day with her mum with no worries for anything else. Yet she cannot afford to be sensitive to my feelings. Just keeps still wanting me to look after him while she has a night out cause she missing her mum whatever. It is not a game to see who is feeling the worst. All I am saying is at least be a liittle sensitive to my feelings.

My stepdad is hanging on by a thread, we have oncologist with mum soon and I sincerly hope it is not the news he is expecting, We are so worried he is hanging waiting to fall. I feel so helpless, my step neice my step sister my step dad and mum. Being there for them I feel is just not enough but what else can I do....... Every one things I am coping so well. Outside maybe inside i am a wreck....

This blog was not meant to be like this and once again I have gone completely overboard but I have bottled this up all weekend and just needed a release. Thank you all for listening xx

Need some advice please.

2011-05-05T09:47:05Z

Well after being told by someone on Tuesday ( who by the way needs to be strike of ) that they couldn't do anything for my mum. That chemo wasn't an option. We have had the worst 2 years.... did I really say 2 years I meant 2 days although it feels like years of our lives. My family have just gone through hell only to be told by someone different they are doing chemo although it wont shrink it it will contain it.. To say I am confused is an understatement. We seem to be getting conflicting stories depending on who you talk to.... Any way to cut a long story short we have now been told that when mum see's the oncologist they want the whole family there all 5 kids and her husband. My stepdad is really struggling with the news, and is now getting himself into even more of a state because he thinks if we all have to be there it can only be the worst news possible. My sister has told him it is because if we are all there, any questions one forgets the other will remember likewise with the information they give us.

I am so worried about him, in a weird way more so than my mum. She true to form has taken the news very well. He has fallen apart, shut himself away. I love him as if he were my real dad and have a very close relationship with him, but at the moment seem to be at a loss as to what to say to him...

Any ideas as to why they would want us all there please.

Before I go I would just like to share this with you it made me laugh so much. When I spoke to mum yesterday and asked her how she was feeling, she said I am fine just got to accept and take whatever is coming nothing else I can do. Anyway Julie I am not going anyway yet I am to young to die and I haven't planned for it. You know me if I haven't planned for it it aint happening......... Boy that made me laugh typical mum and that attitude is what will help her through this.....

NOT THE BEST NEWS.

2011-05-03T17:26:24Z

Well just to update you, mum was due her liver resection operation this morning. They done a laperscopy first and decided it was not possible to operate. Tumour is to close to an artery. I suppose Chemo will now be next. The fight now begins. I think after the initial shock of hearing surgery wouldn't be done the family now just feel numb. Dont really know what else to say, I think for the first time in my life words are just not enough......

what a year !!!

2011-04-01T09:01:20Z

well where do I start, mum has another scan today. I am worried how my step dad is going to get her into the hospital so early, by the time she has her wash she is exhausted. He has just had hip replacement so dont want to put to much on him.. Was going to go down and help him take her but sods law I had diarrohea yesterday so best stay away...

Mum looks like the life has been kicked out of her. As my daughter said you cant normally get word in edgeways with mum she talks for England. Although she is trying to be normal and not worry us to much, you can see it in her eyes the fear of the unknown. She just looks, I dont no the correct wording... flat like her spirit has gone she's there in person but theres nothing else there. Family that we haven't spoken to for years, aunts cousins etc are being so supportive offering their help its really nice but what can they do,

2 days after mum was diagnosed my husbands 92 year old grandad was also diagnosed with cancer. He is in hospital at the moment on oxygen trying to stabilise his breathing before they can do anything with him, worrying times.

This time last year my dad had massive heart attack 3 mins from death. Quadruple heart bypass followed he didn't recover as she should another op followed in November last year. He lives in South Africa was impossible financially for any of us to go over. That was hard talking to him on phone listening to him struggling for breath and him saying I have got to go cant get my breath. Although they divorced over 25 years ago they remain the best of friends he is so worried now, concerned he may have another heart attack he getting lots of pains.

July - my husbands ex mother in law who he remained close to died from cancer

Oct - my sister was diagnosed with a brain tumour. 40 yrs old that hit me so hard. Just before surgery she was told it is so dangerously close to a nerve if we touch it you wont be coming out alive. Boy that was tough. Luckily she made it although still extremely tired as her medication had knocked all her other medication out of kilter for her thyroid problem...

Nov - my brother had his gall bladder removed.

Dec - my step dad had rip replacement

March mum and grandad diagnosed with cancer and on top of this had a gnae app last week for myself. The hysteractomy doesn't worry me thank god I say but what concerns me is he said I got to have a hysterascopy first, gave me a leaflet.. With everything going on just put it in my drawer and didn't read it. Well I read it yesterday now I am thinking s**t was this about is it just routine or do they suspect something nasty. Time will tell.

I wish I could see things through a childs eye. My lovely grandaughter made my mum a lovely get well card last week and before I went to the hospital with my daughter she said I will come with you and give nanny flo a great big kiss and she will be better you'll see.... Oh if only things were that simple.

Sorry to go on but these blogs help me get it all of my chest and not worry family with it all. My husband is being so supportive bless him, he seems to know when i need to laugh and when i just want peace, but he to has got his own worries with his grandad so trying not to put to much on him..

I am surprisingly calm through this, I have to stay strong for my mum she is not just my mum she is my best friend.... I cannot allow myself to think of anything other than she will get better. Thinking of you mum every minute of every day just hope I can be as good a person as you and stay as strong as you are......

Laughing

2011-03-28T17:44:05Z

Feeling quite calm about the situation thanks to this website. You are all being a tower of strength thank you all. My 11 year old son told me of last night for daring to laugh, which just made me laugh more. He said he was utterly digusted with me for laughing when his nan is going through so much. Tried to explain to him that nan would not want us to be unhappy all the time and the best medicine for her is for us all to treat her normally and laugh. Mum has already said she does not want her cancer to be topic of conversation all the time and she wants normality as much as possible. After our little conversation my 11 year said, well i still think your being out of order mum cant see how you can be happy.....

I can only take that as I am doing my job as a mum ok and hiding my true fear better than i thought...

Positive thinking and lots of laughter is what is needed I think, you see my husbands grandad was also diagnosed with cancer 2 days after my mum. He is in hospital at the moment . At 92 years old he has done remarkably well to stay independant but is looking very likely that he is going to have to move in with us now. So I have to stay upbeat I am needed by to many people at the moment to be an emotional wreck !!!

Positive thinking

2011-03-26T15:48:47Z

Feeling quite positive today, decided the only way to tackle this thing for both mine and mums sake is to take it day by day. Mum looked so much better yesterday.... She is hoping they will let her out of hospital today, I hope so she will feel so much better at home. Big op on 3rd May we will tackle that one then.

I want some answers

2011-03-25T08:04:34Z

I of on the 120 mile round trip to see my mum today, I hope I can hold it together for her sake. Its so frustrating cause my mum and stepdad dont want to know anything,. they only want to no what they have to know. Me and my sisters want some answers.Why are they not happy with her levels? What should they be Why have they shut part of her liver down? Simple things like that. Mum has said she is happy for us to find out but she doesn't want to no. Will the doctors tell us? only one way to find out I suppose. It is so frightening to see the speed of how this thing has taken hold of her body. So worried about my stepdad as well he is wearing himself out keeping busy so as not to think about it. You see they have always been inseparable, always done absolutely everything together. God forbid anything happens he is going to fall apart. Well arrangements made my end hubby coming home from work early to get boys from school, so I can visit. Hospital visiting times are rubbish, there is no possible way I can visit and be back for the boys, so I have to make do with twice weekly visits when hubby can get out of work early. Boy does that make me feel guilty. This is MY MUM and I should be able to see her every bloody day. Petrol is so expensive it is just not possible. Sorry rant over just needed to get it of my chest. x

Confused

2011-03-23T20:28:51Z

Only a week after mum has been diagnosed with bile duct cancer, cannot believe how she has gone from a lively fit lady to someone who is constantly tired, and just generally gone downhill very fast. I am finding it frustrating that we do not seem to be receiving enough information on her condition. Trying to stay upbeat for her but it is not easy when I cannot get down to see her as often as I would like. I am asking myself why did I have to move away from her. Feeling very guilty that I did, I should be there for her....