Juleshoneybunny

Post Op Blues

2011-07-10T17:15:03Z

O how things change from week to week, am back on the blasted rollercoaster and i really wanted to control that one, in fact i thought i was............

Have been home just over a week after my mastectomy and reconstruction surgery, the first few days i felt great i imagine it was because i was back in my own surroundings and i was relieved the surgery was over. I seemed to have veered between high low and very low all in the space of 10 days. Every morning i wake up determined to stay focused and positive in order to psych up for the next hurdle.

Its so difficult, I look in the mirror and see before me someone else (frankensteins sister is how i feel, will my man ever find me attractive again) I know it all looks revolting at the mo as i am so swollen and bruised my flap as the docs refer to it is horrible, its ugly and unsightly in fact i have taken now not to look at it and instead keep covered up, even when i shower..........................

I sound so bludy ungrateful because these docs have saved my life and all i can do is moan about how i look, i know i need a reality check, but there are days i cry secretly, i have taken to wearing the baggiest clothes/pyjamas i can to disguise my horrible body.I dont imagine i will ever feel or look normal again, I am very sore and tender in certain areas and then other areas are completely numb. its early days and all my visitors are amazed at how well i look or so they say, and yes i might do on the surface but inside I am the saddest gal in the world at this moment in time and they would never know.

My onncologist was so impressed with my recovery and healing he has decided to start the chemo in two weeks. Of course to the outside world I am deaing with it, and to my family im dealing with it, you all know different and what a relief to share it with you here because nobody else can ever understand...................... can they?

My best friend came over and even she made a dumb comment about how i was walking :( i laughed it off but it hurt im not wonder woman im not invincible im human. I had three surgical procedures on 23rd June all in one go, can i have some slack.

Guys as ever thanks for reading, am sorry to rant but today more than ever it has me and try as i might i cannot shake this feeling. I can feel my positivity shrinking and im frightened. Please tell me it will be ok.

Love to you all

Jules xx

GP's Cashing in

2011-07-04T14:12:56Z

I am so mad as i write this. My partner dropped off my hospital letter this morning to the GP surgery following my operation. He also took a form for the GP to stamp so we can claim back the money for our cancelled holiday.

They wanted to charge him £25.00 just to bludy well stamp it and for the doctors signature what a flamin stinking cheek! He told them what to do with it. My surgeon has kindly provided a written letter with no charge attached, and was more than happy to do so!

How on earth can thety justify charging this kind of dosh. Aren't we already suffering enough, we are surviving on one small wage and SSP! Talk about kicking you when you are down.

My opinion of GP's has depleted further! Anyone else a similar experience?

Thanks guys just needed to rant!!!

Love Jules

The Slice & Dice is done!!!!!

2011-07-01T19:32:09Z

Hello mates hope you are all doing well, I have missed you whilst at the medical mansion.

Well the op is over and i am thrilled to say it was a success as was my breast reconstruction. Still very sore, swollen and achey but Im home and on the road to recovery so i can commence the next part of my journey.

The care and attention i was given at Walsgrave Hospital was second to none and i cannot say enough about the whole experience. It almost seems as if this little part of the journey was absolutely express this time last week i was in HDU and now here I am sitting chatting to my Macland mates :) Im happy.

My best friend Sue visited today and brought me the most lovley pressie, it was a lovley silver box of goodies filled with very practical things i will need over the next few weeks, some indulgent choccies, and some girly stuff. She is so generous and thoughtful I love her to bits.

For now I am basking in the care and attention at home, being waited on hand and foot and spoiled rotten. I even got a new garden recliner to day from my man so i can watch him do all the hard work in the garden over the next few weeks whils I just relax ahhhhhhh.

Appointment with the oncologist 8 July but do you know for now dont want to think about it just enjoy the next week with my family. Not playing the waiting game, this week it can rot .

Glad to be back guys catch you all soon

Love peace happiness and most of all HEALTH

Love you all

Jules

Medical Mansion

2011-06-21T20:01:20Z

Well guys and gals( god i sound like Jimmy Saville) its nearly ,tomorrow Im off to the medical mansion for the slice and dice I have been very patiently awaiting. Now its nearly here im a little anxious but strangely enough i dont have the usual washing machine feeling in the tum. I guess for me its about evicting the squatter that has invaded my boob (how very dare it and how very rude)

My bag has been packed for a couple of weeks! Keen or what.( no just sad) Its filled with such delights i might add, delightful wee willie winkie nightshirts, big nickers...... and a granny pair of shuffling slippers. Not just delights folks they are M&S delights. In prepartion ive had, haircut, eyelash tint, eybrow tint, chiropody, waxing er........ o yes and manicure. One has to try and look ones best even though no one will give a damn i do and it will make me feel me if that makes sense. Its bad enough to be losing my boob, but great to be losing the tum. Im taking a pic of a super model in with me so my plastic surgeon can see how i need to look (no pressure) LOL

Whilst i have made light of it, on a serious note it is a major job and the thought of being in the theatre for 8 hours (no not watching a show...... if only) but how silly i will be fast asleep what will i know. Well i will sure know when i wake up !

So here goes this is the real deal now and i need to hang on to all of my positivity and strength it cant waiver at this next massive hurdle. I have said from the begining that i intend to kick the monster ass and that mindset has not changed. So with the help of my wonderful oncologist, plastic surgeon and others we are going to get it.

I want to say thank you to all of my wonderful mac mates for their unending support over the last few weeks and i am lucky i found you all. Being part of this community has done more than you will ever know and will contiune to prop me up over the next few difficult months.

Hope to be back soon i need to keep up with all of our journeys. Take care everyone and am sending you all love and loads of hugs

Jules xx

'Race For Life'

2011-06-19T17:54:19Z

Along with about 2,000 other gals me and my wonderful daughters and friends did the race today. It was the most moving thing ever, just to see so many people there who have either lost someone to this god awful disease or have someone going through it, or are racing because they have cancer!

We had a wonderful day, we dressed as pink pussy cats including tails!, My daughters were the honey bunnys................... I felt very emotional and walked the 5k with a big lump in my throat, especailly as my racing comrades had messages on their backs to support me. i am very lucky to have such lovley caring friends, and not just those that joined me today but all those who sponsored me to raise over £300!

Afterwards we had a party at home and the girls decorated the house in pink and my youngest daughter Kate made a banner which we hung outside the house and lots of pink balloons. Everyone came, even my son in law, we buried the hatchet and decided life is too short for ill feeling. :) It made my day because we were all together. I was with the people i care most about.

Reality tomorrow back at the hospital for more scans and x rays and then in on Thursday for the op............................... I feel really odd in some ways because at this present moment i feel like i am in a strange unreal place, i know what is on the horizon, and it doesnt scare me anymore................... not sure if i should be scared? Perhaps i will get a wake up call before Thursday and become a gibbering wreck

Anyway enough waffle i am off to look at the HEART FM website, they took our picture in all our pink and said it would be on their website. I know i know fame at last .................. autographs later ok. :)

Love

Jules xx

The Chop

2011-06-16T22:00:12Z

Well i did it today got my hair cropped very short in readiness for my treatment in a few weeks. I couldnt face the trauma of if falling out , so i thought i would try and get used to it really short before the baldness sets in LOL. I even had my eyebrows and eyelashes tinted, whilst i still have them. My daughters tell me i look younger how lovley and my Gez tells me its fabulous. Do i need any other endorsements.

I must admit i managed not to wimp out in my hairdressers, however she was more nervous than i was because she thought i would be upset, bless her. My daughter and my best friend came with me i think they thought i may need my hand holding so thoughtful.

I keep looking in the mirror and dont see me staring back i am a stranger, and actually i am a stranger im not me anymore and i dont have my normal life anymore and never will again. I cant remember now what life used to be like and yet i was only diagnosed in early May! it saddens me to think back to just a few weeks ago and so I realise that i have to look forward and deal with what this 'new life' has in store for me and my family. I have to attempt to restore some kind of normality for my sanity and theirs!!!

So the new jules is striding forward with purpose and positivity, i wont give up because i cant give up and as i keep saying i am for kicking this monsters ass.

I figure if im getting a new boob & a tummy tuck then hell why not a new harido for the new me........................

Jules xx

Highly Sensitive

2011-06-11T21:14:19Z

I dont know whether i am just being over sensitive, or not understanding or just being plain stupid. I must admit since my diagnosis i do tend to suffer with brain fog!!!!!

I had a phone call today from an ex work colleague, cant say we are great friends i would say more acquantnces, although she has seemed very interested in my plight so far. She knew i was having my biopsy results on Thursday and to be honest i didnt take her calls because i just didnt want to talk about my bad news, and her treat it all so flippantly.

when she called again today i thought i had better take the call, the first thing she greeted me with was this.........O Jules you wont believe this, but can i join your 'cancer club' as she said it she was laughing hysterically and told me she had been referred by her doctor to the skin specialist as he thought she may have a melanoma under her big toe, and it could only happen to us HA HA. She then proceeded to tell me all about her new caravan and how much it was, and her new car and how much it was and finally her forthcoming holiday..... and how much it was.

Hey i know life goes on but i didnt appreciate her comments about the 'cancer club' and even moreso she didnt even bother to ask me about my results, or how i was doing. Does she think having cancer is a joke, she did say to me once that if she was in my position she would lock herself away and never come out.

She is currently off work with stress and depression, and to be honest this is how i feel when i have spoken to her. Im not sure if i am just being oversensitive or even perhaps selfish?..................... I am supposed to be going out on tuesday with her for lunch and i am dreading it. My daughters were really cross after the call and have said i shouldnt go to lunch because it will bring me down.

When i worked with her i dont think i ever got to know her well but over the last few months it seems she dines out on my situation. My partner wonders why i give her the time of day, and i am begining to wonder why i do too.

Anyway had to rant about that folks sorry but feel better for doing so, i think i need to gently tell her how i feel................ but would she really understand.

On a positive note I saw my beautiful grandaughters today, the sun was shining and we all sat in the garden. I realise that i am very lucky to have such a wonderful family and i actually do have some genuine caring friends, including of course my fab macland mates.

My man has given me a new nickname 'WEEBLE' i frrequently wobble but dont fall down and guess what................. I wont.

Love

Jules xx

More disappointment

2011-06-09T19:53:06Z

Got the results of my lymph biopsy today and unfortunately they have found some cancer in one of them so it looks like it will be axillary node clearance as well as all the other stuff on 23rd. I shouldnt be disappointed really, but i kind of hung on the words of my oncologist the last time I saw him and he said he thought that the nodes would be clear, given that all the scans etc came back negative.

I dont want to get down and miserable because up to now i have been so positive and just getting through the days cfounting down to the op. I always feel when they deliver news they water things down and treat you sometimes like you are stupid.

This is my body and i need to know, i dont want any watered down version i want the real deal. My BCN is lovely but i sometimes think she talks to me like im stupid or she holds things back. (or am i just feeling sad and miserable)

Whatever he says it will just add another 20 minutes to the operation to do the clearance, and of course definitley chemo. I was prepared for the chmo bit in any case. It just seems that at the moment every bit of news i get is negative when will this get better?

But as I keep saying, tomorrow is another day, i have to remain positive and hopeful, although this has to be my most difficult moment yet. I know I will likely have more to come.

Jules :(

Nighmares and Dreamscapes

2011-06-06T18:19:39Z

I had the night from hell last night, i had the most awful nightmares about this cancer i woke up trembling and sweating. I couldnt go back to sleep at all and was trying desparately not to wake my partner as he has so much to put up with. The results of my biopsy are due on Thursday and my imagination is running away with me! This has been my worst moment so far. I was sure I could hear my Mum calling my name, i lost her four years ago and today is her birthday.

I did manage to pull myself together things always look better in the daylight,.my daughter came over and took me out, she bought me some lovley sandals, we reminised about Mum and laughed about the things she used to say and the things she used to do. I think she was with us today , albeit in spirit.

I talk to her frequently and always ask her for the strength to get through this dreaded disease.

Jules xx

Blue Day

2011-06-04T10:13:14Z

When i write here i want to be upbeat positive and maybe a little lighthearted. As Sorry guys am on a downer today so i just want to rabble on for a bit to get it off my chest, I hope you dont mind....................

Still sore from the biopsy sick of popping pain killers and I yearn for a long hot shower! Other than that and the fact its dull outside and the family are in their beds for sat morn lie in what should I be moaning about.

My man Gerald is busy in the garden bless him, he wants to get it all nice for me when I come out of hospital so i can hopefully sit in the sun and recuperate. We inherited a very overgrown mess from the dear old lady we bought the house from. I feel useless becasuse i cant be of much help and that gets me down too.

I know i have a lot to be thankful for and my cancer is treatable, but today is one of those days wheni cant shake the blues and i want to cry and feel sorry for myself. There are lot of people in a far worse position than me and so i need give myself a good shake and get on with things.

Theres a cream cake sitting in the fridge and the kettle has just boiled, so for now a little indulgence, hey who cares about flippin calories and diets now, bot me!

Well Im off to shake this, mood and to do something worthwhile today, its still early i have the whole day ahead. :)

Jules xx

Next Stop

2011-06-02T21:09:00Z

So I have moved on a little further had the biopsy yesterday and today am feeling a little sore, tired and generally melancholy. I dont know why, i want to put it down to the anasthetic but that would be too easy. Now the wait until 9th June to see if there is any cancer in them, once again in suspended anmiation.

I suppose the big one draws nearer, my letter came today with an admission date of 22 June. Thats it then the unwelome one gets evicted on 23rd and i really hope he goes without too much of a struggle ........... and if has left any of his mates behind in my nodes then they are getting it too!

I am trying to be upbeat, brave,positive all the things i need to be but it so hard to keep up the front for my family especially my teenage daughter who is going through her GCSEs right now.

On the up side my bestest friend in the world came over today and waited on me hand and foot bless her. We indulged in Jeremy Kyle, loose women countless cups of coffee choccie bics and lots of goss, not all about Cancer either! Suzy also cooked dinner. :) the day started on a low but finished on high and thats the rollercoaster I am likely to be on for the forseeable future.

Jules XX

So the journey begins...............

2011-05-31T18:00:06Z

Well here I go am boarding the cancer train for real tomorrow, so far its been a series of outpatient appointments and discussions and more appointments and more discussions. Tomorrow i get a sentinel node biospy in preparation for the big one on 23rd June. Today was the radioactive dye injection and yet more images. Apparantly i should go a subtle shade of blue by tomorrow (not quite smurf like but close) if only I had a fancy dress party to go to all i would need is the curved hat to complete the look!!

I am hopeful that the biopsy will also show what all the scans have so far shown, that the lymphnodes are negative for cancer. If they are then fantastic and wonderful and the cancer is contained in my breast. If not then it will form another part of my op. Either way this mother is on its way out.My poorly boob has indeed been through the mill, as have I of course but as always my positivity will not fade i wont let it, and i wont let this unwelcome visitor win. its days are numbered, i can cross another day off my calendar.

So as i wait at the station tomorrow my thoughts will be on the on the 23rd and which connections i take from there, i dont want to think about the final destination it is too far away all i know is that i have no choice but to take the train. I only hope that there are no soul destroying delays.

Once again folks, dont know what i would do without the Mac family, it is comforting to know you are all with me one way or another, thank you

Love & hugs

Jules xx

A chink of light

2011-05-27T09:18:50Z

Well after my ridiculous trauma with the MRi i think i may a little stable now (mentally I mean). I have seen the consultant the oncologist and today the plastics man.

My experience with the oncologist was good,he was human yes human and get this he had a sense of humor, he made the discusson so much more easy, and i felt i was able to ask as many questions as i wanted to.

Well it turns out that this dark evil visitor i have is getting the old heave ho on 23rd June and good riddance I say. The chink of light at the end of my very long and at times dark tunnel is glinting just a little. It turns out he can perform the DIEP procedure for reconstruction so his words not mine (although I thought them) i get a free tummy tuck on the NHS yeeeeeeehaaaaaaa. I am scared witless but of course to everyone around me I am Jules the invinceable wonder woman. How hard that is to keep up i can tell you.

Wednesday is sentinel node biopsy day and so the journey begins...................... of course i dont want to get carried away but his words of encouragement on Wednesday were so welcome. It is still 50 50 if I have to have chemotherapy and he believes the nodes are clear according to allof the scans/MRI. however the microscope will tell all and if he was a betting man he would agree. So watch this space, yet another cliffhanger my fingernails have become very sore with hanging on the edge............... I mean the edge of reason. :)

Here is to positivity, guts, bravery, determination, and finally acceptance there is no other choice for me.

Jules xx

Choose a Boob

2011-05-20T19:25:30Z

Saw my consultant today, he went over everything again from when i first saw him. I decided he had forgotten who i was and didnt remember any of our previous consultation. The bit i really wanted to know i had to remind him about.............................. did the MRI show any cancer in my lymph nodes?

O yes he said i almost forgot that, it was negative, i breathed a sigh of relief although the tumors are much bigger than they first thought, well who gives a dam whatever they are getting the old heave ho!!!! and soon

so another hurdle done and yet more outpatient appointments next week, o god why do the days feel like weeks. aghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

On the upside we discussed breast reconstruction and that was funny........... so many options to choose from, but with my ample bosoms they doubt an implant will do the trick unless of course i opt for the Jordan type but i dont think they are on offer lol

Even better than that we could use the tram flap technique? errr hello what is that, o of course use the excess off my also ample belly, (always wanted a tummy tuck but please how extreme) or of course the back flap technique, nice......... not, but so much easier. do i like my full bosoms i was asked. well i had em l a long time so kind of attached but if your offering a nice new pair of pert ones i'll take them ta.

Oncologist next wednesday lets see what that will bring, the op seems so far away i dont want to be impatient but i just cant help it. I want my new boob and I want it now (selfish madam!)

Despite it all my positivity is in tact and my macland mates are just what the doctor ordered.

Let it be Friday

2011-05-19T18:31:47Z

The MRI was a daunting experience,or was i just being a pathetic wimp.......... I was frightened, anxious, nervous and get this i cried afterwards. (get a grip woman) Not even my hot chocolate in the hospital cafe could console me.

The sounds of that machine will stay with me forever, and as soon as i went into it i started losing my breath, i tried to keep counting slowly and breathing properly. No way was i going to push the alarm, i couldnt let those wonderful medics see me falling apart. After all this procedure, this noisy claustraphobic monster was going to help me get better or is it extreme to say it will help save my life......... I can only describe the noises as like being in a war zone (although i havnt been in one).

Well this hurdle is over and tomorrow is my final consultation with the results before the op. However why o why do i keep thinking that he will tell me something else awful tomorrow like its spread to elsewhere but my breast and its really really bad, the end of the world and go away we can do nothing for you. Its completely irrational i know but at this moment in time i want to be irrational............................

True to form though my happy mask will be out and my family will see me being cool calm and collected as will my consultant. When i was first diagnosed he asked me if i usually dealt with bad news in such a calm manner........................... did he expect me to fall apart. Instead my partner nearly passed out bless him, and they had to put him on bed and get him stabilised, my daughter sat in the corner in a sobbing heap, and i sat there looking from one to the other wondering why i wasnt a marshmallow! :)

Tomorrow it probably will be my turn to be the marshmallow, and i f I am i will be pink and fluffy. :)