Jewels in the Dark

Saying goodbye & feeling helpless

2010-06-14T08:52:47Z

Well I don't do many blogs to be honest, but I do read through this site regularly.

I've not been on this site a full year yet, but I certainly have learnt a lot and met some lovely people. I'm older , wiser (still learning) and a damn site greyer (anybody know a good hair dye that actually covers up grey ?) A friend of ours from my scuba-diving days has just recently been told his treatment is to be stopped (what little he has had) and he will be sent home with painkillers. This friend is younger than me and to be honest this frightens me. What I would like to say is a thanks to all those who post on here as without your insight I would not have the courage to go down and see him to talk to him. Sounds sick doesn't it, but having read a lot of posts where friends disappear at times like this or are too scared to visit for fear of saying the wrong thing / not not knowing what to say has made me realise you just can't put things off and hope others are visiting etc. Well we did go down (after checking all was ok to do so) & I'm so very glad we did. It was very sad & there were angry feelings too, but to hear his voice (instead of texts) & lovely laugh again was worth the journey. We discussed friends and how tight the circle is - we are on the outer edge of those you keep in touch with. You may not see each other for months / years, but when you do it's like it was yesterday. We ended up saying 'sod the world' and we will do what we want (well we are grumpy old gits' now !), but we are going to spend our money and enjoy it while we can. Despite all this all he's worried about is his partner. We went back later to say hello & goodbye as we were going home, but would be back. Too much pain to talk & seeing his partner sitting there was when it really hit home and that's when the tears came - for what's to come; the pain he is in & the fact she won't talk (but I will work on that ) & the sheer fact he is not getting any help & we aren't close enough to step in to do more.

Well the tears are flowing again, but thanks again to all on this site (& my strong friends on here) as without you I would not know we have got the inner strength to get through this and help others. I'm making a list of things to do & what not to do (attitude wise) - joint 1st are sod the grey hairs as I will never moan about being old again & when help is offered to others it is followed up - not let slide in the hope a phone call will come asking for help as it never does.

Well that's my bit for today - whether it makes sense I don't know.

Thank you, Jewels xx

Possibly a Little Ray of Sunshine

2009-10-07T11:49:01Z

Well it was sunny when we came out ! A gorgeous warm coppery Autumn Day.

Carrying on with my journal. It's been a hard & low fortnight, but today my shoulder feell a bit lighter. Sister has had her scan/ultrasound for the Pelvic area & try as they could they didn't find anything - nowt on the ovaries.

She came out much happier - 1 less thing to worry about she said. She has been so down - depressed / despairing, lack of sleep with panic / anxiety attacks on waking. Feel better she says she has managed to sleep a bit at least - probably because she knows it's a chemically induced depression from the Tax etc. Possibley it's the fact that what you know about you can deal with as it's something to work on. Anyway, on to next step - review & I have some questions to ask (must write them down) - need to know more about the Radio & it's effects.

Short one today - good thoughts to all.

Prequel- Doing it wrong & not being there.

2009-10-01T08:39:47Z

Doing a Star Wars job here & going back in time now.

This is a time I really hate myself for and look back in anger at how utterly useless I was. I'm not offering explanations & you can draw your own conclusions as to how I behaved. It's done now & lessons have been learnt.

About 6 years ago I remember clearly my sister coming home after a weekend away and saying she had found a lump. Trying to convince her it could be totally harmless etc was no use & she seemed to know it was cancer - took some convincing to get the Dr to refer her as well, but it was done eventually & it was confirmed as cancer. Give the hospital their due and this was dealt with very quickly. Me- I hadn't a clue how to deal with this and my sister kept her appointment times to herself so I never went with her. As a result of this I hadn't a clue what to do / what to expect or anything at all; didn't know who to talk to; what questions to ask & was not aware of this site at all. By the time it came to the mastectomy we were busy in a routine caring for her little. I dropped her off for her 1st chemo - even now I can't beleive I did this. She insisted she would be ok & was being picked up afer. I still can not beleive I did this - even now my blood runs cold to think of it. I didn't do it again even though they had to call me in after the drip was set up in case I fainted. This is my reasoning for emphasising this is not a journey to be done on your own when diagnosed. 2 pairs of ears are better than one. Answers to questions can be found on this site & I've found information on questions I need to ask as well, but don't look too much if you think it will frighten you. You may not have to talk, but just be there or make it known you are and will be there on request. This site has been a godsend for me for knowing what questions to ask as we haven't always been told everything. I'd had absolutely no dealings with this and pretty much been brought up to get on with it & deal with it. For those unfortunate to have been diagnosed with C then please, please talk to people (your family/ friends) as we aren't all telepathic (working on this bit). Call me stupid / ignorant/uncaring for this, but with the help of this site & the people on here I will do better this time around. It's not an easy time, but you do cope (with the odd 'oh my god what do I do now' attack). I think it makes you stronger and put's life into perspective.

Feel free to comment. As I said this is my experience (warts & all) to show we all make mistakes at times.

Jewels in the Dark

2009-09-30T08:45:17Z

I'm writing this as a diary and journey through this time with my sister. By blogging on here I hope people will offer me advice and maybe gain some information through these times - hopefully some light moments as well. Other reason is that depiste the fact I won handwriting competitions when (a lot) younger my handwriting is crap so I wouldn't be able to read it back ! I find it easier to write down my words to express my thoughts than to speak them out - easier to edit them before I say something stupid & trite as well. Other than that I tend to cry too much in either frustration / helplessness so now I can do this in private (shares in tissues & waterproof mascara will rocket !)

That's the explanation for now. I'm about to get down to some serious questions with the Dr/onco soon to see what's what. I couldn't ask the questions in front of my sister when the cancer was confirmed & with hindsight I wished I'd had sent my sister out with the breast care nurse and sat there myself. Since found out permission has been given for me to know everything and at first I thought this was good, but now I think - what if she hates me if I have to lie about things to keep her soldiering on. Anyway that's dark thoughts and they aren't allowed. I now know that where she goes I will be there stuck to her side like the Scarlet Pimpernel for all her appointments depsite her saying 'you don't need to come, I'll be ok'. Done this twice (& for the first diagnosis) so will NOT do this again.

That's it for now - feel better now I've started and mean to follow this through & whether it bores the pants of anybody I really don't care - this is my Sanctuary & my therapy (apart form the occasional retail therapy - charity shops & car boot / jumble sales here I come !).