jenni b

im happy so why am i feeling so guilty xx

2011-02-21T12:11:34Z

I have not been on here for a while,

Maybe a good thing as life is moving on, im putting the pain and heartbreak behind me, work is just fab ,ive gained so much confidence and my abilites are growing daily, my patients are well looked after and i am a diff person now, cancer and losing ju brought me to my knees ,i saw no way out but i have proved thats not the case ,

Do not get me wrong i will always love ju, he is forever in my heart and in our children everyday i see part of him in them, and i can now smile when i see that instead of crying,

I have as some of you know met a lovely man ,we are taking things as they come , he treats me so well, spoils me rotten ,my house looks like a florist ,luckily my kids help eat all the chocs he buys or id be huge by now ,he is patient and kind and gentle ,just as ju was , and im very happy i have a permanent smile on my face, so why am i feeling so guitly ? well i wasnt till today , friends reaction has been great, except for the odd few who think its wrong, but i dealt with them very publicly and im glad i did , my kids have met rob and like him very much ,so much so they spent the whole evening being a pain in the bum winding us both up ! and he must like them as has invited not just me out for dinner but them too , i think hes mad ,

I had a phone call from my sister in law earleir and i had planned to tell her but she started talking about ju,s one year anniversary on 10th march and i just couldnt tell her i felt so guilty ,most of you know my inlaws are from hell ! so why am i feeling bad ? ju desperatly wanted me to find love again and to be happy , ive now spent the morning in tears ,which is wrong i know that ,i deserve to be happy but i cant help it , thats why i thought blogging might help xx

I even shocked myself yesterday :)

2011-01-05T09:29:35Z

I as many of you know have been struggling a bit the last few weeks , but i feel like i am slowly feeling better , but i even suprised myself yesterday , i recieved a phonecall at work mon to say i had a shift in A&E yesterday ,normally we have to do a week of shadow shifts first but apparantly my work speaks for its self and they said they were just going to throw me in at the deep end , i was really chuffed and excited and very nervous A&E is so differant to the wards , my confidence has recently hit rock bottom again due to some stuff thats happened so even though i hoped i was up to it i wasnt sure ,

So i dont know what came over me but the minute i walked in i felt like i belonged and knew exactly what i was doing ,i shone with confidence ,i just got on with it , it was absouloutly manic, trolleys in corridors, lots of blood ect ,but their was a calm to the chaos you wouldnt have know we were run ragged , i learnt so much , i was removing venflons and cannulars after only being watched do it once , i was doing dressings ect and lots of stuff ive not done before , neuro obs were a bit scary but soon got the hang of it , it is quite scary being so responsible but i loved it ,

I was exausted after my shift but so happy , i really hope some more shifts come up their soon as i havent felt that confidence in my self and my abilities in a long time , i love working on the wards too but A&E was amazing and such a challenge ,it has done me the world of good , it has left me feeling i can acheive anything if i put my mind to it, it has reminded me i am now a strong, independant ,confident young woman, not just a widow & a mum and i should believe in myself a bit more as others do :)

thanx and happy new year xxxx

2010-12-31T19:20:27Z

Just a quick note,

I have just lit a candle in memory of ju, but also all those we have sadly lost this year ,all of us left behind and those suffering but even though i had a few tears its a memory candle and smells just beautiful , its uplifting and calming apparantly , a bit like i try to be :)

I dont need to tell you what mac and my friends on it has done for me ! one friend in particular another young widow has given me so much ,friendship , support and kindness and lent me their ear lots and lots ,

I know i dont need to thank you all and some of you will tell me off but thats me!

Cancer ruined my life but its also made me a stronger, better person, and i truly believe a better mum too , we will find happiness again just as ju wanted ,

so HAPPY HEALTHY NEW YEAR TO YOU ALL :)

AND HUGE HUGS FROM ME XXXXXX

PS its JBE /JANS birthday tommorow ( love you hun ,21 again xxx)

Why am i so sad ?

2010-12-19T11:11:51Z

Well its official im a miserable cow at the moment , i know i have good reason but i hate feeling like this and thought blogging might help ,

I was expecting it but i got a stroppy phonecall from a family member last night asking why i hadnt put ju,s name in a xmas card (we have had this before ,they want me to pretend to someone that ju is still with us ) well im sorry i cant do it , it just breaks my heart ,i would do anything to have him back as i told them but once again they just wont understand ,if honest i did get very upset but they werent bothered , i also have got nasty virus so was feeling sorry for myself anyway ,i also havent been sleeping well again , im back to waking up at 4 am every morning ,and thats all without christmas,

I was also speaking to my sons favourite grandad yesterday and apparantly when he asked him what he wanted for christmas his answer was his daddy back :( well you can imagine how much that hurt , and apparantly he wont show me how much he misses him as he needs to look after me ,

I know how lucky i am ,i have 3 beautiful incredibly strong children, amazing friends , bit i feel so incredibly lonely and sad at the moment even in a room full of people ,i havent felt this sad or tearful for a long time , i nearly picked up the phone and told a friend last night but i couldnt do it ,they have enough to deal with without me crying on their shoulder ,

I just wish christmas was over and done with but then got to face the new year , I just hope this pain eases soon as this isnt me, i used to love christmas but i just want to hibernate and come out when its all over,

Ok moan over, i would like to wish you all a happy christmas and lots of love and hugs xxxxx

in memory of a very special husband and dad , we miss you xxx

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jAzEhjooP3s

feeling very sad today ,

2010-11-30T10:13:22Z

I have been dreading christmas but with the help and support from a very good friend and kids bugging me i have been getting on with it ,shoppings all done ,wrappings nearly all done , tree ordered ,decs bought i couldnt face using the old ones too many memories , all was going ok till today ,when i sat down to write christmas cards ive had to stop for a break as is just so painful and i cant stop crying and i havent felt so sad for a long time , i know this is prob *normal * and its not just not putting julians name in the cards i want to thank people for their love and support but it hurts so much , i keep thinking back to how special christmas was last year but was also very very sad for us all ,

We are all coping really well and are happy again and life does go on , but somedays it suprises me how painful this still is , and how much i so need a hug from the one person that cant give it to me ,

sorry if ive upset anyone with this blog but even i have down days sometimes , love and hugs xxx

just an update and wanted to say hello and thanx x

2010-11-20T12:29:44Z

Where do i start , i know i havent been around for a while but i wanted to thankyou all so so much for your messages and kind words ,but if im honest since the bad news i had about my friend i have found it very hard coming on here , not just because of that but ive also had some things happen in my personal life which have made me a lot more positive and i really need to focus on getting my head round it and trying to look towards the future ,whatever that may be , when i got the bad news about my friend i was obviously devastated but with the help of a close friend ,i have once again turned it into a positive thing , which bless her she wants too , so for now im just trying to get my head straight, before we cope with christmas which im dreading ,but i will get through it as i do everything else , ive never given up and i dont intend to now,

But i am thinking of you all, i will come back to chat soon, and if anyone wants to talk plz feel free to email me , snoopyjenni@yahoo.co.uk,especially caroline /celiswan huge hugs to you huni xx

i do check in every few days to see how everyone is , for now love and hugs to you all xxxx

I honsetly thought macmillan cancer support meant just that !!!

2010-10-21T15:53:49Z

Well what is going on on here ? ive just hijacked carolines blog as if honest im so peed off ! im even thinking of leaving , its beyond a joke now,

I came on this site as my husband was dying ,he died in march and i could not have got through without the support ,love and kindness on here , i have 2 very special friends from here that will be my closest friends prob forever , and i wish i could name all the rest of you but id be here till christmas ,you know who you are and i love you all very much ,i now have an amazing new job , im waiting for a phonecall in next few days with maybe fingers crossed some permanant shifts on one ward that wants me, so im very positive atm,

Or i was , till yesterday, this site has turned into a bitchy playground !!! and its pathetic , i dont care anymore if you disagree with me im just stating my opinion, and yes i am friends with some of people invloved ,this is not about them or me , or admin for gods sake,

Can i just remind you why we are here ,its very simple really

CANCER !!!!!

Patients ,,,, carers ,,,, wifes ,,,husbands ,,, sons ,,,,daughters,,,, mums,,, dads ,,,, widows ,,, brothers ,,,sisters ,,friends ,,, i could carry on but i hope its not necessary , cancer affects us all , i myself will always open my arms and my heart and be here for ANYONE affected by cancer , or anyone that needed to talk and needed support as i have done many many times ,

SO PLEASE PLEASE , REMEMBER WHY WE ARE HERE !!!!

LOVE AND HUGS XXXXXX

7 months tommorow, and im ok :)

2010-10-09T12:03:07Z

I wasnt going to blog today , but i saw on the young widow thread ,their is some really sad posts ,i have posted on their but i also wanted to blog too, for anyone else who hasnt read it ,

It will be 7 months tommorow since ju died, its also my daughters 14 th birthday ,yet another one of those crappy firsts, but do you know what im ok !!!! this time their were no tears whilst shopping for or wrapping her pressies , and made her cake this morning and i really enjoyed it, dont get me wrong of course i miss and love ju so much ,but time is helping ,as is the kids, friends, *you know who you are * and my new job, which i feel i should have done a long time ago but hey ho thats life , im doing it now,

I did have a very special moment yesterday with neve , she is teething and i was cuddling her as shes very cuddly atm and she fell asleep in my arms all snuggled up to me that did make me a bit tearful only coz of the feeling of that little life in my arms and i so love her like shes my own, soppy i know but i dont care ,thats me

The reason i did this blog is to show ,you can be happy again , a few other things have happened this week ,and its been a good week for me, everyone says i look happy and healthy again ,my kids are saying its nice to see me smiling so much ,and i love having a smile back on my face, of course its not their all the time , but im happier than i have been for well over a year, its been the toughest year of my life, but i can see my way forward now and that feels great ,

love and hugs jenni xxxx

Just a horrible weekend, but i came out smiling :)

2010-10-04T14:28:56Z

Where do i start ,those of you who know me know ive had a truly awful weekend ,its a long story but basically for those who dont know ,a nasty vindictive witch (im being polite ) has been sendind me hate mail and putting really nasty things on a certain social networking site, which i dont need to tell u are untrue as you all know me better than that ,
Well anyway as a couple of very close friends on here know i was devastated by some stuff she did on sat , but do you know what i cant ask ju anything now so what do i do ? simple i will NOT let her win, i am happy ive got a great new job, my kids are doing amazing ,ive got an amazing best friend and her family , another lovely friend who is in similar situation to me who is such a support and can always make me smile , and some wonderful friends on here ,

Dont get me wrong i have a lot of unanswered questions now and i am very hurt , but i have to move on or it will just bring me down and i wont let that happen ,ive fought through too much these last 7 months since ju, died ,ive got my life back on track and i will not let anyone ruin it , and in case anyone is wondering it is being dealt with by the police ,

So for now im going to concentrate on my 3 lovely children and being the best mum i can, and keeping the smile on my face ive come to far to lose it now !!!

what a first day :)

2010-09-28T14:29:49Z

Well i am shattered but i feel so good ,i knew this job had been given to me for a reason, it just feels so right, like its meant to be,

I started on surgical ward today ,apparantly one of the hardest wards ,but i dont dont care i love hard work, most of patients are post mastectomy, reconstruction ect, lots having chemo and radiotherapy , and i loved it, they were all quite happy to let me do their obs ect and care even though im not actually allowed till ive completed next 2 weeks

I think for someone whos been through what i have it could have been very difficult emotionally , but it wasnt i felt such empathy and do you know what ,just to make those such poorly patients smile ,just made me feel so good , it feels so right and i cant wait for my next shift which is on medical ward ,i also got some great feedback form other staff too which was nice ,

Most of all i feel like my confidence is back , im me again and i know ju would be so proud of me ,he wanted me to be happy again, and im def getting their .

I know all shifts wont be like that but just to see those smiling faces well its all worthwhile, and do you know what a smile and a bit of tlc is all most patients wish for in hospital , and i will always strive to do that ,

love and hugs to all xxxx

For carrot tops /donna

2010-09-26T11:35:31Z

Hello all, ive just read donnas post and she is by rights terrified , so the idea of this blog is not to say dont be scared, of course you are huni,

I wanted to do this blog to get everyones positive thoughts and vibes , as if anything will get you through this really scary time its that ,

I myself am sending you lots of luck and positivity for tue, when you are scared think of us holding your hand and giving you a huge hug , and i will be let loose on the wards tue so will def have you in my thoughts all day , and after wards i will be wishing you a speedy pain free recovery , and look forward to having a good natter when your up to it , lots of love jenni xxxxx

new job :)

2010-09-24T18:32:16Z

Well this will hopefully be short but you never know with me :)

I know some of you have been waiting for this, but its been a long hard week, and ive not had time to do much at all , and have been exausted , i also as some of you are aware have had a nasty prob to deal with and will carry on doing that tommorow and thanx to those of you who know and are helping me through ,i will tell everyone else when its dealt with xxxx

Well im now a health care assistant for the nhs, and i am thrilled the training has been brilliant , i have learnt so much , im already enrolled in 3 courses , adult cpr, peadiatric cpr and deffibrillator training , and they let me loose on the wards on tuesday , and i cant wait , i still have a lot to learn and also cant wait for that either , i feel like i have a new lease of life, im exausted but it feels great , my house is a mess but i dont care, my kids are so happy to see me smiling, they have all commented,i was slightly worried about my little boy but he assures me hes fine and loves me :) and prob sounds sad but i am very proud of myself , despite a few tears today when chaplain was talking to us so i had to leave the room, but he was lovely and spent about 15mins reassuring me , and no im not religious at all !!! but he was kind and gentle ,

So i will stop their as im off to have a nice glass of wine and relax , i think ive earnt it , love and hugs to all xxxxx

I start my dream job tommorow but im terrified !

2010-09-19T15:18:58Z

It seems a long time coming but i start work at the hospital tommorow ,i have wanted this job for so long and as i said to someone if its right it will happen , i am a firm believer in fate, so why am i so worried ? , im not sure if ive got the confidence to start again , ive been through so much ,and yes thats given me strength ,

Also im not ready to tell people im a widow ,its such a hard conversation but of course im still wearing all my rings and not sure if i can face not wearing them at work , as normal policy is no rings ,i also wear ju,s wedding ring on my necklace and we not allowed them either for health and safety ,

On the positive side which i always try and see , ive done so much studying over last few weeks so that should be a good start if i can get over my nerves , it will be a shock to my brain doing a 40 hour week again and using my brain ,

Im just trying to keep in my mind how proud ju would have been of me and hope that gets me through tommorow because if im honest im shaking in my boots, which i also was at the interview but that worked out ok , so lets hope so does tommorow , i will let you all know how it go,s hugs xxxx

for carol / myhope xxxx

2010-09-16T13:34:42Z

hey guys , i last heard from carol about 10am, she said to say hi to you all, typical carol thinking of everyone else, thats why she is so loved on here , i wasnt sure whether to write this but i know it would have helped me greatly in those last few hours of julians life but most off all in the following few weeks when i was feeling so lost and lonely and sad , my heart is breaking for carol and the only thing any of us can do for them now is to be their, im just hoping and praying for peace and no more pain for tricia , and for carol well im sure i can speak for us all, we are here , anytime , for anything ,

i myself am at the end of the phone carol and i will always be here for you ,im very lucky to have you as a friend ,you have helped me more than you will ever know, so now its my turn , i love you dearly carol , im sending you the hugest hug youve ever had , love jenni xxxxx

next challenge DIY :(

2010-09-16T11:28:57Z

Well as you all know i love a challenge but im stuck and its all thanx to a very sarcastic so called friend , i can turn my hand to most things as ive found out since i lost ju, i even now have greenfingers unbelievable if youve read some of my early blogs on here ,

only this morning ive made bread for the first time , and has come out fantastic,

So why am i struggling, well i bought a new washing line when my daughter broke the other one breaking in as shed lost her key , this friend was here when it arrived and offered to put it up for me ,which he did , i thought no more of it ,till tue he popped in to drop something off when he realised its on a lean , so procceded to tell me to get this filler ect which i did , he then turned up yesterday to see if id done it ,well i replied no as cant do it in rain it says on the box , he made me feel like a child i was so cross as he obviously knows better than the box ,something to do with filler expanding in wet ,well thats fine but i need 2 pairs of hands one to hold it straight one to fill the hole , but did he offer no and i wasnt going to ask him ,

anyway i carried on with what i was doing hammering nails in to put something up ,i was so cross i nearly lost my hand in the process ,he was drinking his coffee laughing, at that point i said hadnt you better be getting back to work ( i didnt add before i lump you with my hammer ) so off he went with a sarcastic comment , "i wont buy you a drill for xmas youd be dangerous " well that was it i reminded him politely that im fab with a hedge trimmer and could be very dangerous with it if i was cross !!!!

Ive just read that back and im lol ,as it sounds so funny , mad woman with hammer and hedge cutter ,

But what happened to all those offers of help !! all i want is some pointers and i will bloody do it myself , as i do with everything else ,im more than capable i may look like a daft woman but im not , ive got taps that move in kids bathroom, towel rails keep falling down , i could just use superglue but dont think thats a good idea , my wheels keep falling of the lawnmower , the petrol one wont start ,a lamp shade that wont stay up, its all the little annoying things ,

But i will not let a sarcastic sexist man beat me ! no way , my best friend describes him as a lech ! i need say no more !!!!!!

love and hugs to all ,hope i made you smile xxxx