JellyHunny's blog

almost 3 weeks since mom died.. feeling lonely and lost.

2009-09-08T15:00:26Z

Tomorrow it will be only 3 weeks since my mom passed away. 2 months ago, everything was normal.. Our life was perfectly normal... I cant belive how can life change to fast? I talked a lot with my mom. But now afterwards, i feel like i didnt have time to say anything?? And that i would have so much to tell her still. Hmm but i think its normal? I wanna discuss with her about her illness and everything it occured. I wanna tell her now beautiful funeral she did. I wanna tell her how things are here with me and my dad. But i cant do any of this. I just have to hope that she knows it and shes watching down on us. Thinking this way used to be a big help. But some days ago i realised that im hoping and wishing to see and meet her again soon, so i am actually waiting to die myself and find out what has happened to her after she died. And if there is a place called "heaven" for real.. But then again, i still didnt want to die ofc not, i still have my whole life in the front of me. But im dying to know what happened to her... Does any one understand what i mean? And some nights ago i had a dream. A nightmare... or not.. i cant really decide. I dreamed about that i heard on tv an extra news. Scientist have found a medicine to cure all the possible cancers in a day and the medicine was sent to all hospitals worldwide. (yea, sounds silly, i know). And it was a day after my mom died. I was so, so so so so mad at them, why did they have to find out the medicine right a day after my mom died bc of a cancer. Anyway.. on the other hand it would be so lovely to have a med to cure cancers. But i cant admit about being selfish or what so ever, but i would be terrible bitter about the fact they found the medicine after i already lost my mom. Hmm.. i feel so lonely and lost.. My 16 y/o cousin moved in with me and my dad. Bc he goes to school over here. And he was supposed to move in with my parents. But since my mom died, he didnt move in right away ofc. But now on Sunday he did. I thought it would be a good thing. And on the other hand it is. But on the other hand i feel weird about it. It feels very weird to be with my dad and my cousin. And my mom is missing.. Phew.. I feel so lost. Sending you all lots of love. Summer.

Anyone has good advices... :(

2009-08-25T11:06:23Z

If you have read my blog earlier, you know that my mom passed away on wendsday last week after a 3 weeks battle against bile duct cancer. So far, i have been coping with it good, i think.. tho im still little worried about am i normal or not (btw, thanks to all of you who replied to my last blog entry!!!

Is there something wrong with me?

2009-08-22T13:50:50Z

My mother passed away on wednesday... It was the worst thing that could have happened. I remember when i was standing in the front of the see in a small village in Norway, watching to the see and thinking i will never survive from this. That was when i heard my mom was seriously ill, but wasnt sure yet what it was. The past 3-4 weeks has been hell. I have never cried so much in my entire life than during those weeks. I had never been so scared, never so miserable. I was thinking how much pain my mom have, is she scared, what does she think. I was there with her 24/7, watching her. I knew she was going to die, i was scared of it and what will happen when she dies, and when will she actually die. When she was dying and took her last breath, i was there with my dad. Wishing her good bye til we see again. And stroking her cheeck. I cried so much. I felt so lost. Now after few days, im thinking is there soemthing wrong with me, bc i dont feel any worse than i did during those weeks when she was still alive. In fact i feel kind of relieved, now shes gone, no more pain, no more suffering. Only sadness is there. So im just asking if its normal to feel this way or is there soemthing wrong with me?? My mom was so close to me, always there for me, she loved me so much and i loved her so much. She was also my best friend. She supported and understood me no matter what. And now shes gone, and im sad and broken. But im wondering should i feel even worse? I dont want to think of tomorrow or next week or next month. I only think this moment and not forward. The point was, i feel sad and terrible and miserable. But im stronger than i thought.. Wondering if its normal or not :(? This all might sound stupid.. but im kinda lost with my feelings. My mood goes up and down, other time im feeling ok, then im crying and so on. So is it normal, or should i be sad all the time, unable to do anything? Hope there is someone who understands what i mean.. :((

Mom, why did you have to leave?

2009-08-20T07:31:55Z

My dear mother passed away yesterday 19th August at the age of 42... Only 20 days after we got her diagnosis.. This all happened so fast.. I have no idea how i will ever survive. I miss her so much already... There is no words to tell how much she meant to me and how close she was to me. I feel like i didnt have time to tell her all i wanted, tho i told her a lot. But i guess its normal to feel that there would have still being so much to say..? Eventho shes gone forever now, im trying to tell myself that this was better, bc she doesnt have pain anymore and she doesnt have to suffer no longer. But still.. this hurts so much and feels so unreal.. Anyway, im going to meet her one day again when its my time to go. If everythnig happens for a reason, i cant really find a reason for this... I feel so lost and lonely..