Why do I feel better not worse?

2011-01-15T00:09:55Z

Well here I am again, late at night, not wanting to go to bed, then not wanting to get up in the morning.

What is there to get up for. No Ken and breakfast chat with him, no going to Asda to do a shop, getting something nice for tea then calling for petrol, coming home, unpacking together, having a bit of lunch together, sitting in the living room together or in the summer me sitting in the sun and Ken tending his treasured garden, then on and on with our LIFE TOGETHER, where did the years go,where did my life go.

It has been 5 months, 5 months yesterday that Ken left me, I know he didn't want to but he did leave me, left me alone and sad and so so unhappy.

What I want to know is WHY DO I FEEL WORSE! I feel worse now than I have since he died. In fact I thinkI was in shock for a long time, not a lot of tears, now it is dawning on me that I will NEVER see Ken again, never hold his hand, kiss his lips,cuddle him, wake in the morning with him and talk, never kiss him goodnight.

I truly do not know how to cope at the moment, I live in my memories, 39 years of remembering different days, different occasions, different music, looking at photographs and living our life over, watching how we have aged and changed, I know though that one thing never changed (apart from growing stronger) our love for each other.

I feel so exhausted, I drag myself through each day and the weight is such a burden, I feel I just want it all to end, no I don't want it to end so I don 't think of Ken every second of every day, I just want to remember him and not have this terrible, terrible ache and lump inside me. Today when I got home from tea at a very old friends, Ken and I went every Friday together, I just cried out in the car, I wanted to scream and scream, Ken was always in the seat next to me, Friday after Friday and now all I had was an empty seat, I just wanted to scream for him to come back to me, be at home as a surprise when I opened the door. I know though that this won't happen and I feel so desperate, I just don't know what to do anymore, it is so very very hard and I am feeling so very very down.

I will go to bed later and just hope that I will feel a little better in the morning. I will no doubt drag myself through the weekend,doing chores etc.

Ken I hope you have more peace wherever you are than I have here. I love you more than I can say. Loved you then, love you now and always will.xxxxxx

21 long lonely unhappy weeks.

2011-01-06T23:38:42Z

21 weeks since I last saw, touched and talked to my lovely Ken. It is still so hard to accept that I will never do these things again,look into his eyes, hold his hand and talk to him.

I am sadder now than ever, I believe it is because as weeks go by I feel more and more lost without him, I know I won't but then I am terrified that I will one day forget his face, forget the sound of his voice, I have pictures and his voice on a tape but I want to be able to recall all the things he said and how he spoke, at the moment these things come so easily to me, thank god because at the beginning after I lost him, I couldn't seem to recall these things,now I sit and think and I can hear his voice in my head, see his expressions, everything about him. Please god never let me forget.

I don't thing I ever will because his photographs are everywhere in our house his andmine and they always will be no matter what the future brings. One of OUR songs was one called "Come What May", a eurovision song contest winner in 1972 by Vicki Leandross, It says, come what may I will love you forever and forever my heart belongs to you, come what may for as long as I'm loving I'll be living only", "come what may in a world full of changes nothing changes my love for you".

Another of our songs is "without you" by Nilson from 1972. It says "can't live if living is without you" well unfortunately I HAVE to live. Living without Ken however is not the living I want to do, I don't enjoy things I just endure them. I think things will always be like that from now on. Even if in the future I do nice things that are enjoyable. There will never be the enjoyment I felt with kEN. 39 years of love and memories can never be lost.

OH KEN WHY HAVE I LOST YOU.???????????

janet smith

Why do I feel better not worse?

21 long lonely unhappy weeks.