j41

Dads Ashes

2009-12-05T23:31:37Z

I drove to Wales this morning, ( was meant to go last night) with a heavy heart..Saurday Dec 5th....Dads 65th birthday.....the day we scatter his ashes. Arrived at Dads didnt want to pull on to driveway, didnt want to go in and find him not there. Found some strength (brother nagging all the way) and went inside..I could smell him was convinced if I went in the lounge he would be there and this nightmare would be over, my heart was breaking but there in a black silk bag with a white rose on it was my Dad. I begged my step mom and brother not to do it but they insisted..so i asked for a little of him to keep.(brother and my mom think i weird) step mom was fine about it.

Found myself at the family grave where all the "Thomas" family are buried.....the words "DAD" from my flowers are still sat on the grave and in my head i was saying please, please dont do this,lets just take him home,but the words wouldnt come out. My brother scattered Dad and i just felll apart, he sighed and said get a grip...nothing to grip onto though. I didnt want to leave so they went for a walk and came back for me..havent a clue how long i was there...just kept looking at the words "DAD" , it feels worse now then ever before and today for me was far worse than the funeral. Am i alone with this though?

Am back home now...friends in chat been as wonderful as ever...Thank you all.

Have a box of his things that left for me to look through to keep and cherish ....maybe not tonight.

Love you Dad - your Jxx

2 weeks

2009-11-01T11:24:36Z

Where have the last 2 weeks gone, people around you just returning to normal,almost expecting you to do the same, but I cant the dont they realise my life has changed forever. The last 2 weeks have at times seem to have flown by and at others dragged. All I know is I miss my dad.I cant put on this brave smiley face and be nice to customers that moan that there car is taking a little longer than they thought it would. I want to scream at them. I just want to be me and if I am feeling sad be able to show it not hide it away.

Dads goodbye

2009-10-24T21:09:13Z

Today we gathered to say goodbye to my dad, so many people some who knew him for a lifetime, some a short while. Was so lovely to see and hear people talking about him with such fond thoughts.I was very proud to be his daughter. So proud he was welsh, so proud to say "that was my Dad", the service was lovely, the minister so kind.

Its a week tomorrow since I lost my wonderful Dad, I struggle with the fact it is over so quckly, people talk about life moving on..I cant yet....its too soon.

Be my angel Dad

sleep tight

loving you always..your daughter

empty

2009-10-21T21:02:58Z

Today has been a rubbish day, Dads goodbye is all sorted and today there was nothing to do, didnt need to ring Wales to check he was ok suppose have been kept busy the last couple of days,losing him on sunday evening,going to see him one last time on monday, arranging his goodbye and travelling home Tuesday and now nothing....just an awful feeling of complete loss and emptiness.

I feel so cold I just cant get warm.

Just not ready to say goodbye on Saturday, why does that have to be so quick, why cant i have some time, it wont even be a week.....

confused

2009-10-12T20:17:50Z

Dad seems to be getting very weak & i just cant seem to get the answers i need. I dont know who to ask and feel like I am being kept in the dark. Scared it will be too late and I wont have done enough.