https://community.macmillan.org.uk/cancer-blogs/b/im_new_to_this/atomTelligent Community (Build: 12.1.2.21912)2011-09-11T19:13:27Zhttps://community.macmillan.org.uk/cancer-blogs/b/im_new_to_this/posts/i-m-new-to-this2011-09-11T18:13:27Z2011-09-11T18:13:27Z<p>Hi :)</p> <p>I&#39;ve never blogged before - for any reason, so bear with me! </p> <p>I joined this community because my amazing mum passed away on the 15th of August this year following a year long fight with cancer. She was initially diagnosed with bowel cancer, but it spread to her liver and became untreatable due to its position on her hepatic vein.</p> <p>She never once let the cancer rule her life - she went through nearly 6 months of chemo before the doctors said there was no more they could do, and then lived life to the full for the last 5 months of her life. She accepted that this was the way it was going to be for her, and she stayed so positive and strong throughout the whole thing. I have never known anyone be so strong! She was a credit to my dad, my sister and me. She was the most perfect mum - the best anyone could ever ask for.</p> <p>I&#39;ve not really understood my feelings since she died. We had the funeral 11 days afterwards, and it was so amazing to see over 200 people come to pay their respects. I thought that the funeral would make all of my feelings come to a head, but since then I&#39;ve found I still feel as though it&#39;s not real. I don&#39;t really understand why I don&#39;t seem to be falling to bits all the time - I definitely have my moments, but there seems to be some sort of block in my brain that stops me from really remembering that she won&#39;t be coming back. I keep wondering if this is normal??!!</p> <p>I&#39;ve been back at work for a week and a half now, and I think being busy is helping. The downside is working as a dietitian in a hospital means that I come face to face with cancer, and death, on a daily basis. I find that I struggle when I know one of my patients is close to dying - I can&#39;t stay on the wards because it hits me really hard. I hope that it becomes easier soon, but I guess only time will tell.</p> <p>I haven&#39;t said everything now, I think I need more time to work out how to express my thoughts and feelings!</p> <p>I have no idea if I&#39;ve done this right - but its definitely helped me to be able to share - even if only one person reads this! Thank you :)</p> <p>Bye for now</p> <p>xx</p><div style="clear:both;"></div><img src="https://community.macmillan.org.uk/aggbug?PostID=453665&AppID=32276&AppType=Weblog&ContentType=0" width="1" height="1">Former Memberhttps://community.macmillan.org.uk/members/formermember