ilovehersomuch's blog

Does any thing work on this site?

2009-11-14T19:18:43Z

I have tried to leave messages for people and nothing ever seems to work on this site since they messed with it.

One More Hug

2009-09-02T21:25:22Z

I am still having a hard time accepting that I will never see my mum on this side of life again. I find myself thinking about having one more hug from her and for me to be able to squeeze her tight with all the love I feel for her. It is when I have this thought that I miss her the most. No matter how much you do do in the time you know is left you still want more. My mum taught me to be happy with what you have and not to long for what you can't have, but I simply can't help myself. I am sure she would forgive me for wanting one more hug, then I would want another and another!!

Time Goes By

2009-08-20T17:43:42Z

It has been just over a month since my mum was taken away from her family that needs her so much. I arranged the funeral and it kept me focussed. It was a fitting tribute to a lovely lady and the crematorium was packed, so many people attended that people had to stand. It was awful to have to say goodbye. We then burried my mum's ashes and this was a peaceful moment in a special woodland. My mum, like many other people had been secretly storing money away! We needed to apply for probate and after I had spent days calling all the people you have to call when someone dies, at a time that is so painful, the CO-OP offered to come around and talk to us about probate! They wanted to charge us £4,000 to phone everyone I had already called, and to distribute the cash to my father! I decided as I had already done the hardest part, speaking the words 'my mum has died' several times, that I would see how hard it is to get probate. It cost me £93 and 15 minutes of time filling the forms in that you can find on the government website! How cruel people can be to prey on people who have been through the trauma of watching a loved one die. Now I have sorted and cleared I have been left with time to think and the reality that my precious mum has gone, and she is not going to pop back to say hello. My heart is so broken and I find myself spontaneously crying at the simple things but in the most inconvenient of places, supermarkets, restaurants, that kind of thing. I am finding it quite difficult to come to terms with. I have nightmares, I dream that I cannot stop crying and never will, then I wake up exhausted and then I am very emotional which makes the crying worse! I do have faith and I do believe that there is something else and that we all meet up again, but even that is not helping me as I am missing her now and cannot ever imagine a time during the rest of my existence that I will ever not miss or need her and she will never be able to be here for me again. I have started question myself, did I do all I could for her whilst she was ill, did I visit enough, should I have not let her go on the shyringe driver, would she have lived longer if we had kept trying to force her medication down rather than opt for the shyringe driver, she did not have many lucid moments during the last couple of weeks, the calcium had effected her brain and she thought we were trying to kill her with tablets, when she was not lucid. I just wish she could come back and we could have one more hug. I will never get enough hugs. I had always banked on her being around.

Her Pain has Stopped but Mine is Just Beginning

2009-07-19T20:09:06Z

My Mum sadly, and I mean sadly, passed away at 5.20pm on Friday 17th July. My world will never be the same. No matter how long or short of a time you have to prepare you simply can't. The bottom dropped out of my world and I still think in my deepest part of my brain I had still hoped she would recover and we would get another chance. No the reality is that this cruel disease took away yet another fantastic woman and there is now another family in this world missing a great person and are now struggling to come to terms with the loss of a beautiful person who was far too young to be taken away. Keep on fighting everyone.

How much suffering do you have to watch?

2009-07-05T20:34:20Z

Mum got told that the cancer was now in her liver last Thursday. She came out of hospital, well my dad absconded with her on the Friday as he was disgusted at how she was being cared for and on the Monday mum was in high spirits, dressed and very talkative. The best she had been in months. As the days have gone on, all 7 of them, she has deteriorated with a speed I was not prepared for. Today she can no longer eat solids, she cried yesterday as my dad gave her her dinner as she could not face trying to swallow the food. Today she has refused any visitors, including one of my sisters. I believe she has given up and I am in so much pain. Why should anyone, yet alone my mum go through this. What is this disease doing to the inside of her, what havoc and pain is it causing that we can not see? My mum has said she is not really in pain but something feels strange inside of her. My mind is thinking that the feeling is the cancer eating its way around my mum. I am convinced now that time is most definately running out and even though I am still hoping that she wakes up one morning and she is fully recovered.

One More Hurdle

2009-06-25T19:34:59Z

Today I visited my mum in hospital and after being read the wrong notes! I can only say I am glad it was me hearing someelses rather than another poor family being read my mum's because they would have been in shock, gone in with a cold come out with cancer!! Anyway the consultant came to visit whilst I was there with my mum's MRI scan results. Sat there was me and my dad and my mum lying on a bed. The consultant confirmed that the chemo had not worked at all and the tumor in the lung has vastly increased and not only is it in the osophagus and lymphnodes it is now in the liver. BANG I know what that means, so did my mum and my dad. My mum had the blankest awfullest look on her face. It really is true, my mum really is dying and I really don't want that to happen.

Not Ready To Let Go

2009-06-24T23:31:13Z

Today has been a roller coaster of emotion and fears and I am still feeling very frightened, confused and angry. Today my mum ended up back in hospital with high calcium. I am aware that this can happen in the later stages of cancer. Fear took over me, and it still has, that my mum is further towards the end than I had thought and that maybe time is running out quicker than I had thought it would. Does God not know that I am not ready for him to take my mother away from me? Does God not know that I will never be ready? Am I being frightened for no reason? Is this just a glitch and I have gone into fear and panic mode for no reason? I am hoping it is and I am just being stupid. I am sure I am and my darling mother will fight back, just like she did last time, and we can have some more precious moments together.

Race 4 Life

2009-06-21T21:16:38Z

Today was Race 4 Life in my local area and even though I have ran this rce every year today was even more important to me than it has ever been. I was so proud though as I managed to get my sisters and my nieces and even my newly born great niece togehter to complete the run. I ran it with vigor and shed he odd tear on the way round. Ironically Race 4 Life has always been an important part of who I am now. I first ran for my partner's dad who died of lymphoma. I had never ran before and I trained slightly. We started the first ever race with my mum cheering on with pride. I ran with passion and completed it in an amazing time. My mum ran after us cheering and shouting us down the remaining 500 meters and it was lovely to see her pride in me. Something I have always treasured. From that day I found a love for running and have now ran plenty of half marathons and 10k's. Even more importantly through the race 4 life and finding a love for running I stopped smoking, which is now really important to me. I still worry as my mum did smoke but gave up years ago and still got lung cancer. Today was hard as there was no mother to shout me down towards the finish. My dad had said it would be too much effort and mum would find it difficult to get and cope through the race just to see me for a few seconds as I ran past, so they were not coming, I found this hard to take, I know selfish, but it may have been an effort, it may have only been a few seconds, but that memory would last me a life time. I knew that this would have been the last chance I would ever have of my mum seeing me run again, she will never, and I will never get that chance again and she has always watched me run. Today was a wake up call to this just being the first of many things where my mum would not be. I understand but it doesn't stop you having these emotions, right or wong, the emotions still happen. I will always run, well for as long as my body allows me to, I will always turn up and complete race 4 life and I wil always do it for my mum. I wish she wasn't dying I really wish I could change that.

Tower of Strength

2009-05-28T20:30:34Z

Thank you to everyone that replies to my blogs, it is such a help and a comfort. I appreciate we are all dealing with issue that are painful and some people who are having a tougher time than us, so I really do appreciate every word that is written. This blog has been my saving grace so far.

Consultants forget the Patients

2009-05-27T19:17:21Z

As I mentioned previously mum was told by the consultant on Friday that they were no longer going to treat her cancer and everything now would be about palletive care. Fine if thats how it has to be, but the consultants seem to forget they may deal with 100's of patients suffering from this disease a day but my mum and dad have never had to deal with it before. They do not know what is normal, not normal, who they should contact, who they should turn to for the answers. So the consultant packs them on their merry way with no care plan in place, no contact numbers absolutely nothing. The consultant even put the wrong quantity down on the presription for Oromorph so they didn't have enough of that for the bank holiday! So today fear and panic set in and I get a call saying mum can hardly breath and he doesn't know who to call. I dash round and they have got in such a mess and a panic that is why mum can't breath not that she is taking her last breaths. I call the district nurses number that they were given back at the beginning and who had visited once back at the beginning to do an assessment and they still thought my mum was in hospital. She had been discharged weeks ago! They apologised and said they would sort out some form of care plan. Although by the time I got home they called back and cancelled their visit and re-arranged for another date! Why don't staff realise that these people are frightened and often hiding from the trust and in the majority of certain generations will not ask for help or pretend they are managing? How can hospital staff just pack them off and not even check that they have the right care in place.

Can't Sleep

2009-05-25T11:53:21Z

I am struggling to get to sleep again. This happened when I first found out about mum, but eased off during her chemo as I had allowed myself to believe that it would prolong my mum's life so much that there was no need to get so upset! Now the treatment has stopped I'm back to facing reality of that my mum is dying and possibly quite soon. I toss thinking about all the things I will not be able to do with my mum. No one in this world is as proud of me as my mum is and no one makes me feel as special as my mum does and I am not going to have that anymore and everyone needs their mum. I start to think over how much pain she is going to be in and how I don't want her to be going through this. She knows she is dying and she has said she is not ready to die. I want to be able to stop it all so she can carry on doing what she does best, loving her children and grandchildren. When I do get to sleep I wake up in the night having panic attacks, fear sets in, I will die, mum IS dying, my beautiful partner will die, my dogs and on and on it goes!! I wish I had a number I could call and speak to the nursing staff my mum has access to and that I was allowed to ask them questions about my mum and get the answers without them having to tell my mum I am asking. I need to prepare myself and I don't want to talk to my mum and dad about it. I am petrified that she only has weeks left and I don't know and I miss a day seeing her because I have a very demanding job which involves saving he lives of other people and other peoples relatives! The hospital have scheduled her another hospital appointment in 5 weeks so surely they expect her to be around then otherwise they would not have made the appointment so far in advance? She has been diasgnsed now 4 months with advanced lung cancer and I believe this is quite good going from what I have read on the internet. Oh a million and one questions wizzing around my head!!!!

Fun Day at Mum's

2009-05-24T21:41:14Z

Now my mum's chemo has stopped my dad has stopped potecting my mum from all infections and us!! We arranged a BBQ at their house with her children, grandchildren and her 3 great grandchildren. We had a beautiful time and my mum managed to get out of bed for a bit and watch her family have some fun. I loved it, but I have to say it makes me sad now I am at home because I know I am going to miss her so much when she is not here that my heart feels like it is beinf ripped out. We are now organising something once a week to keep her focussed on something. If nothing else this cruel disease helps you realise to enjoy the small things and remember that everything and every moment is precious.

The News I Didn't Want

2009-05-23T19:29:26Z

My mum has had 3 rounds of chemo and the consultant as decided that it is making no difference and have stopped any further chemo. It was a shock as my dad, who would not let anyone go with him and my mum to see the consultant, had said that after the 1st chemo the saw the consultant and he said the x-ray showed a small shrinkage. After the 2nd lot the x-ray showed about a half shrinkage. My dad had got me all excited and I had thought that this was all good news and that my mum, even though we know the cancer is also in he lymphs and esophigus, would have a few more years if they had managed to shrink it so much. I think my dad's enthusiasm has confused me so much. Now they have stopped all treatment and arranged for 02 at home because she is waking up at about 5ish with difficulty breathing. They have said up the oramorph and take it every two hours. I am now thinking she is on her way and am petrified. I had allowed my dad's postive thinking cloud the reality of it all and I feel in as much shock as I had at the beginning. I am now battling emotionally wih fear and heartache and panicing that time is going to run out faster than I think as no one in my family wants to know what the time frame is. I would like to know but I know what I want is not what is important but I am a person that needs to prepare myself otherwise I crack up. I have always been he rock with my siblings eventhough I am the youngest, they turn to me for practical things, answers and the ability to rationalise and for some reason they think I have al the answers so that is why I like to be prepared so I can be ready for them when they need me.

Flowers

2009-04-11T19:55:05Z

Is it a myth or fact that cancer patients undergoing chemo shoud not be given flowers or plants? I have heard this and am concerned because mum has been given some flowers. Strangely enough she got the flowers on Thursday, she was doing really well and looked good and today she is low slept all day and actually asked to go back into hospital because she hasn't felt well at night for the last couple of nights and she feels safer in hospital.

Flower

2009-04-09T21:01:36Z

Can some one please tell me if it is a myth that cancer patients should not get flowers.