HippyJo's blog

Joy and sadness

2009-08-17T12:29:01Z

John and I got married at the Sue Ryder Hospice at Thorpe hall in Peterborough on Monday August 3rd. It was a beautiful, if somewhat hectic day as it was all arranged very quickly. Sadly, my beloved husband died the following day - John had pleurisy and was unable to continue fighting the cancer. John fought very bravely right until the end and Liam and I and John's family were with him when he died. The funeral was on Friday August 14th - Liam and I are absolutely devastated. . As a family, we are going to do as much as we can to raise funds and highlight awareness of this terrible disease. John's primary cancer was nasal, which is very rare, and the tumour was very aggressive, spreading quickly to his brain. More research needs to be done for both these types of cancer and I have given permission for tissue samples taken to be used for future medical research. This is what John would have wanted and we want to do everything possible to help others in John's situation. Will continue to use this site as, no doubt, there will be dark days ahead. Love to you all xxxxxxxxxx

The fight continues

2009-07-11T09:30:31Z

John is still in the hospice and receiving wonderful care. He has moments when he feels very down and this is what upsets me the most as he is normally very upbeat and positive - he now has a chest infection on top of everything else but he is determined to fight his way back to health. Trying desperately to hold myself together but feel worn down because John is suffering so much. Hope that he will be home soon so that we can get on with our lives. Liam and I miss him so much. Thank you to everyone for your messages of support - just haven't got around to replying to you individually. Hope you are all staying strong and positive love to you all xxxxxxxxx

Last chemo cycle

2009-07-02T10:16:52Z

John had last chemo cycle yesterday and is not feeling well today. Fortunately, though, he is now in the care of the wonderful staff at Sue Ryder based at Thorpe Hall in Peterborough as the side effects of his teatment have been getting worse and he is really suffering. John has gone there for treatment to alleviate these and get him back on track - all he wants to do is stop being sick so that he can eat a full English and a roast dinner, is that so much to ask??!!! We are all keeping our fingers crossed that he will achieve this and start to enjoy his life again. Much love to all of you out there for your messages of support and helpful suggestions, let's all keep fighting against this terrible disease. xxxxxxxxxx

Scared

2009-06-27T18:41:58Z

Have had an awful week but feeling a little better today. John has been crying a great deal and was talking about dying and how scared he is - heartbreaking to see him like that as he is a very positive person. Chemo sickness getting him down as he seems to have it all the time now however it is John's sixth and last cycle next week so he is going in to a specialist unit on Monday for treatment to bring the side effects under control so that he can start to feel better again. We are staying strong and positive, hope all of you out there are doing the same xxxxxx CANCER REALLY SUCKS!!!!! I wish I had a magic wand to make John better xxx

Stress

2009-06-20T23:38:38Z

Feel so down today and wonder, as I have done so many times, why the Cancer Curse has struck. Life is so unfair - I look at John and cannot understand why he is suffering so much. The consultant has postponed for a week John's sixth - and last - chemo as side effects are taking their toll. Chemo should have been next week, will now be week after - John wanted this as he has been feeling so poorly. He is being sick, has no appetite and has, subsequently, lost even more weight. We just want our lives back to the way they were before this dreadful disease blighted our lives - is that too much too ask? Just feel like I am falling to pieces with the stress of it all and keep imagining what John's funeral will be like. I am trying so hard to be positive - like our son Liam, who is brilliant - but I wake in the night and think dark thoughts, which make me cry so hard. We will never be free of this spectre, will always be haunted by this blight on our lives and wonder how much more we can take. I know that we have to keep fighting but I sometimes wish that I could go to sleep, and then wake to realise that all of it is a bad dream. I wish, I wish.

Wish it would all go away

2009-06-15T11:14:00Z

Hate the world today and wish I could make John's cancer disappear. Has had five cycles of chemo and side effects seem to get worse each time. Is being sick and no appetite, permanently exhausted - sickness much better than it was but still vomiting at least once a day. John cannot tolerate much food either, managing to keep cereal down but not much else. Medics don't seem to be too concerned as John is taking in fluids. It is just so unbearable to see John suffering, has his last cycle of chemo next week then radiotherapy. He is being so strong and positive most of the time and I keep berating myself for being so selfish as John is the one who is suffering. Cancer is a cruel, horrible disease that affects the loveliest people. Have also been revisiting the "why did this happen stage" and driving myself crazy as there are no answers, and even if there were they wouldn't be any use. Everything seems like an insurmountable obstacle and I cry at the slightest thing - our son Liam has a cold today so is off school and even that made me cry!! Feel a little better for getting that off my chest, must stay strong, tomorrow is another day.

Thank you everyone

2009-06-08T11:09:01Z

Hi Everyone and thank you all for your messages of support. John still being sick and feel at my wits end - think I will just find a field somewhere and scream out loud as I am screaming in my head at the moment. Medical team in community have been absolutely fab and doing everything they can to help John. Am just worried about dehydration as this will mean John will have to be admitted and he absolutely does not want to go in, stubborn bugger! Anyone out there have any remedies for the sickness? John is on ondansetron at the moment being administered through a syringe driver, but he is not sure how effective this is being. Is still being sick at least three times a day and as he has not eaten since Thursday he is bringing up the water that he is desperately trying to keep down! Has tried cyclizine - no good - so GP trying to sort out something else. John just wants to be able to have something to eat and has been crying because he is so frustrated and fed up. It is heartbreaking to see him like this and we usually end up crying together. All I can do is love him and hug him - wish I could cure his cancer. Love to all of you out there xxxxx

Life is sometimes so hard

2009-06-05T00:46:01Z

Hi Everyone - I know that I am not suffering from the dreaded "C" however I think that partners, wives, husbands, boyfriends, girlfriends, whatever, suffer also. John has just had his fifth bout of chemo and is being very sick, despite strong anti-emetics. I feel absolutely helpless and useless - does anyone out there feel the same? Sometimes feel like stabbing myself in the eye to relieve inner tension as it is SO HARD to watch loved ones suffering. Anyone out there feel the same??!!!! Lol xx