Hi Mummy

I LOVE YOU

2012-10-08T01:42:33Z

Hi Mummy. Just thought I would write and say I love you. Wish we could chat, I mean I can talk to you about all the things good and bad going on in my life but it would be amazing to be able to hear a reply from you. I love you so so so so so so much. Xxxx

Oh My God!!!!!

2012-09-13T19:58:58Z

Hi Mummy Oh God I know I only seem to write to you when I'm feeling low and I dont write to you when things are going well but God I could do with a cuddle from you right now. Everything is going to pot, Baz is texting me all the time which scares me somewhat because I get the impression he wants to come back but I don't want him back and I don't want to be in a put position where I have to hurt him. I know that by not telling me the truth about how he was feeling hurt and upset me but Im not the sort of the person that can set out to hurt another person. As much as I love Cora, I dread bedtime and meal times. We seem to be going backwards or at least she is just for me. She eats well with anyone else but me, she sleeps fine when she is with Baz over night but me??? I have to fight with her to get her to eat and bedtime is just screaming from her. If that wasn't bad enough every day I then get to have about 2 hours maximum of sleep on my own in my own bed before Cora comes toddling into my bedroom and then spends the rest of the night in my bed. I'm constantly exhausted and have so little energy that all I want to do is curl up and go to sleep in the middle of the afternoon. Then as if to top off all those little niggles I now have to have another talk with Daddy about things. Man and Pop don't want o come and down see us because they dont feel comfortable staying with Daddy and Alison. I opened my birthday present early from them and I got a f***ing hand towel and a pair of pyjama bottoms not even a top to go with them. BUT out of all that the thing that has really ticked me off is that they are away on holiday on a cruise on my birthday and come back late at night on my birthday. So I potentially get to spend my birthday on my own with no presents. I'm not as it turns out because Jo is taking me out for lunch but they make such a big fricking deal about Anne and Kirsty's birthday but I get ignored. Mummy I hate this, can you please come back?!?!?!?!? It feels like you were the only one that really and truly understood me and I'm here on my own, feeling like I don't matter. Mummy I really miss you and when I need advice or help your's has been the only oppinion I have ever trusted. It's so unfair you were taken from us and so unfair Cora never got to know how great and fun you were. I want you back and I want you back every day that never stops. I love you. Xxxxxxx

Feeling like a fraud

2012-09-01T20:49:25Z

Hi Mummy Here I am on a Saturday night with Cora sound asleep tucked up in bed and I'm watching Saturday night tv (which thankfully is starting to get better). Im sat here reading peoples stories of their battles with such an evil disease and I feel like an idiot and that Im going to go to this appointment on Tuesday and waste their time when it could have been given to someone who really needed it. I know I need to get this thing, whatever it is, sorted. It's not just me my health affects now it affects Cora too but it still doesn't make this feeling any better to deal with especially as I read the leaflet the QA sent me and now I'm nowhere near scared as I was. I wish I had had Cora earlier so you could have met her but if that was the case then Cora may not have been Cora and I can't imagine not having her in my life at all and she wouldn't have your name as a middle name. When I was pregnant with her I knew straight away she was going to be a girl. I don't know how I knew I just knew. People say then can see you in her but I cant see it, I just see Cora. Every day I think 'what would you think of her?' 'What would you be saying to her?' 'How would you be with her?' It wasn't just your family and friends that were robbed of you any grandchildren that come along are robbed too and I feel like that for Cora. I know she will know no different and Alison loves her just as if she was her biological granddaughter and Cora loves her too there is Jo doubt about that but I just wish my princess could have you in her life too. I had a dream this morning whilst I was lying in as Cora stayed with Baz last night, I dreamed if my new house it was a bungalow but on different levels and it didn't look much from the outside but it was huge and modern inside and really nicely decorated just how I would have it. The master bedroom had a moving wall so I could have half for sleeping and half for living and Cora's room all was dusty pink with pink voile hanging down the walls and butterflies hanging from it while the walls were fairies painted on them and the furniture in her room was french white vintage wood style it was beautiful. I wonder if this place exists and it's on my price range hahahahaha. I would love it!!!! So if you could give me a hand in finding the perfect place for me and my girly I would very much appreciate it. I don't want much just 2 big double bedrooms really and a shower over the bath is all I really need :-) I will write to you again soon. Love you and miss you still. Xxxxxxxxxx

Didn't realise it had been nearly 3 years since I was last on here

2012-08-30T21:14:57Z

Hi Mummy Sorry it's been a very long while, I have spoken to you in my times of need, don't know if you have heard me but I like to think you can hear me and your watching us grow and change. So what's new with me? Well I fell pregnant back in April/May 2010 and had a beautiful baby girl who we called Cora Nicola Kingsley Mann. There were a few discussions about her middle names but I got my own way as usual hahaha. I went through my pregnancy on my own as Baz was away for most of my pregnancy and came back about a month before Cora was born. Things stated getting better then they slowly got worse, Daddy married Alison that was a period of adjustment and not an easy one for me anyway. Baz and I started having problems around Christmas in 2011 and just before Cora's 1st birthday he left we have tried a couple of times this year (2012) to make it work but it just hasn't worked out so we are now permanently separated and I'm bringing up Cora up on my own but it's such a joy when she is good which is most of the time. Baz and I have remained good friends which is good for Cora, as she is both our number 1 priority and we both agree on the same things on how to bring her up too. Daddy and Alison think it's odd although they havnt said as much but I don't give a monkeys. Anyway, had a few concerning symptoms with my breast so I'm off for those tests on those on Tuesday Baz is coming with me so I don't have to worry about Cora and I want Cora there as her cuddles are just simply amazing and I can be having the crappest day and her cuddles make everything better. She is my princess and I call her princess although I do worry that by calling her that I am leading myself into having a spoilt child. How have you been my wonderful Mummy? Still think about you every day and I am starting to tell Cora bits about you now as she starts to understand more now. Anyway you are and will always remain very special to me and noone can take your place just wish Cora could met have you and you could have met Cora, I think you would be besotted with her. I'm trying not to worry about my tests on Tuesday but I can't help it. Baz noticed a change just through my t-shirt on my left breast today when he came to take Cora for a couple of hours today. I don't think that's a good sign :-). I should think about going to bed but I do t really want to as there is no distraction when Im in bed. I still love you everso much and miss you just as much. Xxxxxxxxxxxxxc

Keep Me Calm

2009-11-11T20:52:53Z

Hi Mummy

Im asking you huge favour for tomorrow. I need you to give me the strength to keep calm tomorrow if Grandpa starts to have a pop at me. Im meeting Ann-Louise in the M&S Cafe tomorrow morning and then Grandpa is going to meet us there.

The thing is I have been so busy with my in-laws lately that I have barely had time to see anyone when we have been home, because it has been non stop washing and housework before we have to go back up again. I dont think he will understand. Even when I tell him that we have spent a lot of time in Ipswich because Grandad passed away and then were a couple of porblems with Helen, nothing serious just stuff she could have done without. Im not sure he will believe me when I say that we have been that busy I hadnt seen Daddy properly since my birthday.

So Im asking you please please please give me the strength to stay calm and help me stop going off on one at him if he does persist in telling me how bad I am for not seeing him.

Anyway on a lighter note, we have a new kitten. We rescued her from Kelly and she is called Tiggy and so very affectionate and falls asleep on our bed, I know you were'nt a cat person but I think you would have liked her, she is so funny and lively and great company when Baz is away.

How have you been? Done anything interesting up there? I hope you are fine. I asked Daddy if we could gat a plaque at the crematorium for you so I had somewhere I could vsit and make look nice for you but he said they dont do that because everyone would want one and then there would be no room because it would be too crowded. He said that that is why they have the book of remembrance but that is only open on one page for one day of the year and for me thats not enough. Its got me wondering if I would want to be cremated when Im old and gone and Im not so sure anymore. A burial is more emotional than a cremation but the fact that there is a place where loved ones can go and visit just seems so nice. I have no idea why Im thinking like that at 24 but like you always said live every day to the full because you never know when your last day will be. I hope I do live every day to the full.

My friend said to me yesterday that I am really pretty, Im not used to hearing that and I had no idea what to say to that so I just laughed and said um thanks. Baz is away again, but he will be back Friday afternoon and then sails Saturday and then I have no idea when he is on or off, I have it written in an email but I do pay attention? NO, it just goes right over my head. Not a good thing really.

Anyway I will write again soon.

Miss you lots and lots, Love you lots and lots

Laura.XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Thinking About You

2009-10-29T23:18:01Z

Hi Mummy

You have been on my mind for days now, I cant stop thinking about you. We are back up in Ipswich only this time its not for social reasons. We are here because Baz's Grandad passed away yesterday morning from cancer too. Like Grandma he was too frail to have any treatment so they just made him comfortable and he seemed happy remembering old times and living in the past.

I didnt go to see him when we were last week, I have had enough of hospitals and hospices to last me a few years yet, all with no positice outcome. I had to rind Baz's ship yesterday to tell him, he got piped and he thought I had broken something or done something wrong. I dont know why he would have thought that because if I do need to call him I always call his mobile. Strange man.

I wish there was something exciting going on so I had loads to tell you but I dont Im afraid. We had Marcus down this week and OH MY GOD am I glad he's home. He was getting right on my nerves yesterday, crawling across the floor, talking baby talk, not answering questions just a shake or nod of the head or a shrug of the shoulders. I was so close to exploding it was ureal. Then today when we got him home he was antagonizing the dogs and playing with the cat like he was a toy and call Baz names and shouting.

Kelly has a rescued kitten in her house, some man was caught kicking it in the air, I really want it but Baz wont let me. Helen is going to work on him for me. She is a beautiful little thing and I have already called her Tiggy because she has black stripes. Baz says we cant have her because of Ben and the chinchellas but Im sure it would OK. Cats are like chinchellas really easy to look after.

Anyway I think Im going to go, I will write again soon.

Miss you lots and lots, Love you lots and lots.

Laura. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Missing You

2009-10-17T17:21:52Z

Hi Mummy

I know its been about 18 months since you left us but I still miss you everyday. I especially miss you when things are tough or when I need some sound advice or just a good giggle.

I would love to know what you are doing up there and see what you are wearing. Andrea and I had a laugh the other day about her and what she wears. Her shoes are not very nice and you always had beautiful shoes and you always looked so good, she doesnt. You definately have much better style than she does.

I got my ears pierced again the other day, so I can wear those studs that Gerry gave you for your birthday. I will never wear them on their own because I think hoops look better on me because my hair is so short, so I thought pierce my ears again and then I can wear them everyday. No one else knows, only Andrea and Baz. Andrea insisted on paying for them, which is so kind of her. I just thought it was such a shame that those pretty earrings were sitting in the box and would probably never been worn.

Anyway Im not sure what to say now. So I think I will be off and I will write to you later.

Love you lots and lots, Miss you lots and lots.

Laura. XXXXXX

Hello

2009-10-12T21:23:30Z

Hi Mummy

I know I havnt written to you for ages, but Baz has had the lap top at work so I havnt been able to get on for a while. He is this really funny rota at the moment. He has 2 days on, then 2 days off, then 2 days on and 4 days off.

Not much has happened since I last wrote to you, we are up in Ipswich at the moment visiting everyone. We mainly came up because Marcus is being bullied at school and Kelly wanted us to come up. So up we came. He seems fine though, laughing and mucking around, just being a typical boy.

We have seen some friends and had dinner at various people's houses. We went to this Robin Hood thing yesterday and Baz dressed up as Robin Hood, tights and all may I add. You would have laughed your socks off. Emma L was so embarrassed but I know Baz so I was expecting it to be a lot worse than it was. The kids came with us and we went over to Bryan and Emma's and the 3 of them came with us too, or did we go with them because they asked us about it. Anyway we all went together. Then yesterday we had dinner at Kelly's, I only ate some of it.

Today we saw Jade, Chrissie and Faith and then went over to Bryan and Emma's for dinner and then we went to Felixstowe and went to the arcades, Jay is going through the phase of asking questions at the moment. It can get annoying but Im sure you know all about that as you did bring up 3 kids.

Anyway Im just at Helen's house with Des as Baz hsa popped out to take Kelly to her friend's house and then he is going to find me some custard doughnuts. I really want some doughnuts.

James is at our house with Kay looking after our petting zoo. Well 1 hamster and 2 chincehllas. I had a dream last night that we had a cat and a dog and triplets. Is that a vision of the future or just a bad dream? It felt real anyway, whatever it was.

Anyway Im out of things to say now so I will let you go.

Take Care

Love you lots and lots, Miss you lots and lots.

Laura. XXXXXXXXX

Today

2009-09-23T20:09:43Z

Hi Mummy

I hope you are OK today. Im not too good at the moment.

James and Kay popped over quick this afternoon and we had a chat about Daddy and her. Things aren't good and I have felt a bit neglected by Baz lately. I spoke to James about her going into his room and he thinks she has been. That isnt right is it? Its not her place to do that. More to the point why is she even going into their rooms.

James told me he did all the housework top to bottom and Daddy didnt notice it but when she does something he just keeps going on and on about how nice it is. Things aren't right and I have no idea how to make things better for James and Sarah. From what James said Sarah just ignores whats going on because she doesnt want to believe it.

James also told me that he phoned Daddy up and asked him if he wanted to go to the cinema because he wanted to spend time with him and even offered to pay but Daddy turned him down and spent the next 2 days with her. Even though those were the only 2 days off James had off that week.

Why is he doing to this us? I dont understand, it doesnt matter how many times I tell him that no matter how old we get we will always need our Daddy. When it comes to me he always says that Im married and I have my own life and he doesnt want to interrupt it, but truth be told he doesnt want to bother with me. No I see it clear as day, we are just in the way and she wants him to himself without the 3 of us in the way, well she has what she's wanted. Its worked.

Baz agrees with me and says that Daddy is being a d*** h*** and as horrible as this sounds at this moment in time Im inclined to agree with him. He has a go at me over pathetic things and with James its even worse, Sarah Im not sure about Im hoping I will be able to find out and be able to get her take on things in the house.

I have no idea what I can do to sort things out for those 2. If you could help me know what to do I would really appreciate it. Anyway I best be off.

Take Care, Miss you lots and lots, love you lots and lots too. XXXXXX

Stuff

2009-09-22T20:06:06Z

Hi Mummy

Things are such mess, and I dont know how to make it all right. Daddy has a go at James whenever Alison is round. He had a go at him the other night for chopping the tomatoes the wrong way, just because he and Alison like them quartered. It was pathetic and Kay and I said to James to keep calm and let it go over the top of his head. I think James would be able to do that if Daddy stopped teating him like a 5 year old and started treating him like he is 21 when she is around. Aparently things aren't like that when it is just James and Daddy but I never see it because she is already around and he never talks to us.

He took us to Ask the Wednesday before my birthday and she came too, no problem there except that Daddy made no effort to talk to anyone else, I was trying to tell him about something that happened up in Ipswich but he wasnt interested. Instead he held her hand and looked at her and ignored everyone else at the table. I know I should be grateful for my birthday present but it was really cheap. I liked it but since when do I shop in Monsoon or Accesorize. I know I sound ungrateful and I honestly dont mean too but when you put so much effort and thought into our birthday and Christmas presents, its hard to take this unthoughtful way.

Apparently I she has been in James' room too. She made a comment about James' room which was not a positive one from what I can gather and James went mad. According to Kay she was joking but even so she should still not have said anything and if she has been going in James' room I am going to be furious. James and Kay had been out and as soon as they got in she moaned that she had spent hours cleaning the house and then James said he was going to make something to eat and she said dont make a mess. I know he may make a mess whilst he's cooking but he does clean up afterwards.

I am getting the feeling she wants Daddy to herself and for the 3 of us to be ignored, well if thats the case its working. I honestly think that once James is in the RAF and Sarah is at uni he wont have much to do with me. He didnt even phone me on my birthday to wish me a happy birthday just sent me a text in the evening to say happy birthday.

If you could help me by telling me what to do to make things better, I dont care how you do it. A dream, a sign that everything is going to be OK I would really appreciate it. If anything can make it all OK its you. I miss you so much, please please let me know that everything is going to be OK. I have spent the day close to tears and when Baz left for rugby earlier I just cried and cried. I could have done with a hug from my Mummy.

Love you lots and lots. Miss you lots and lots. XXXXX

Sorry

2009-09-20T23:43:36Z

Hi Mummy

Sorry I havnt been able to write to you for a while. I hope you will be happy to know that I have been busy.

I went to Italy, Union Lido with Andrea, Wayne, Rach, the boys, Sarah, James, Lewis, Sam, Kayleigh, Baz and Gerry. 13 people, it was a big group of us. It was a good holiday and we nearly got banned for life thanks to Baz and Lew Lew but we didnt. I was in such a state and really had a go at Baz and walked off and then Andrea and I had a big cuddle and she calmed me down and think she cried a bit with me and she said she knew why I was upset.

I really missed you on holiday. We have a dwarf hamster called Ben and 2 chincellas called Sharky and George who are brothers. Danii used to breed them so she let us have them. Sarah wants a goldfish for Christmas from us so we are going to get her 2 because it will annoy Daddy and he desreves it, and James wants a hamster so we may get him one of those if Kay can look after him/her when he goes into the RAF.

Baz passed his driving test before we got married and he has a drivers awareness coarse tomorrow, the letter came through a week after he had been away so muggins here had to sort it all out for him, they were very nice and very understanding people. I thought they would be horrible but I was pleasently surprised.

I miss you so much still, I wish you were here we all needed you on holiday, there was a drama between James and Kay and everyone pandered to Kay and James was in a right state and I tried so hard to say to everyone that that wasnt normal for James and that I thought they were being harsh on James. I may as well have been banging my head against a brick wall for all the good it did.

Anyways I dont know what to say now so I will say night night Mummy and I will write to you real soon.

Love you lots and lots, Miss you lots and lots too.