How did YOU feel ?

2011-06-09T01:45:40Z

Not to sure if I've done this blog malarchy right but here goes...

I was yesterday, 7th June, diagnosed with breast cancer, I have recently lost weight (intentionally) and this has left me with some stretch marks at the top of my boobs, I was putting some of that bio oil on about 3wks ago for the first time, and felt a lump at the top of my right breast. I went to see the GP a few days later on the 23rd May, just for a check up on my blood pressure and mentioned the lump and asked her could she have a look, she did and then said she was referring me for an urgent mammogram. I obviously had this yesterday, followed by an ultrasound and a core biopsy all of which confirmed that the lump was as I had suspected indeed cancer.

At the moment the best way to describe how I feel is 'weird', at first I was in shock even though I'd say I 'knew' before they told me and was obviously upset. Fortunately my eldest Daughter who's 25 had come to the clinic with me and she was an absolute star. I am so proud of the way she handled it, supported me and helped put things into perspective and I really don't know how I'd have gone on if she hadn't been there.

However since being told, interspersed with a sense of 'unreality' I've felt mostly angry, at the cancer, for coming along and invading my life, and whilst I would never ever say 'why me' cos let's face it why not me and why anyone ? I am very much feeling why now ?? I was for the first time in a long time approaching a feeling of balance and normality tinged with a prospect of looming positivity following relationship problems, family problems, stress of other health probs which were much improved. I'd even managed to go back to work last October for the first time in approx 14 years. I'd just booked a holiday and I've recently took up a new hobby and had just entered a competition which involves a stage performance on the 5th July, everything was just coming together and then this comes like a bolt from the blue. So yes at the moment it's fair to say I'm pretty p'd off with it.

I've got to go back to the hospital next Tuesday and they have said I will have surgery to remove the lump in 4wks followed by a course of radiotherapy, they said from the ultrasound it doesn't look like it has spread to the lymph nodes but can't be 100% sure until they remove some and screen them and couldn't say yet whether or not I would need chemotherapy and if I'm perfectly honest that is what I fear the most, purely and simply because apart from anything else I have a massive phobia about being sick. The Breast Care Nurse said for now don't worry about it because I may not even need it, and we will cross that bridge when we come to it. That makes sense and hopefully it won't come to that but obviously its concerning me.

What I'd like to know from this forum is how other people felt , initially, on diagnosis, I've heard anger is usual but never understood why people would feel angry as opposed to upset/devastated until now ?

Hi

How did YOU feel ?