helenb21's blog

got more support on here than from my own family!!

2009-03-17T17:40:57Z

hello everybody! sorry i haven't been on here for a while i decided to run away for a little while to new zealand! was definately what the doctor ordered! just come back from visiting my sister who unfortunately lost her mum in december (half sister) and i thought we could huddle together and help each other heal considering we both lost our mums and best friends...but no. in true selfsih older sister style she continuously put my mother down (she has issues as my father remarried my mum and i don't think she ever got over it) then carried on to tell me how upset she is that her mum will never see her grandchildren grow up now excuse me, but my mum is never gonna see her grandchildren!!! i also don't understand how it is my fault that i lived at home when mum was ill so i saw her all the time i was also told that i should think myself lucky that no step parents were involved, now can i just point out that my sister is 36! therefore had 13 years more with her mum, got to have her at her wedding and got to meet her 2 grandchildren. now i feel for my sister i really do but does she really need to lash out at me?? i know it is part of the grieving process but i have my limits and i would have expected my sister to be a bit more sensitive considering i know what shes going through. instead i get lies told to me about how my mum broke up her parents marriage and about how she didnt like my mum. i am extremely proud of myself for not hitting her but feel i can no longer class her as a sister as she has now gone too far which is a shame as i am finally getting my life back on track. for all of those who have been with me from the start i am now looking for a job, have a loving partner who is extremely understanding and treats me like a princess hehe. it has passed the year mark now which as everyone has told me is the hardest anniversary i have passed it now and only feel myself growing stronger as i know my mum would want me to. i would also like to thank everyone here for their support at all times of the day and i think of you all often even if i don't show my face that much! anyway sorry for the rant just needed to get that off! love to you all helen xx

Dreaming of Mum

2008-09-11T17:39:12Z

Hi all! just thought i'd share this with you as it was really nice and i thought it might put a smile on some faces. Last night i had a very vivid dream that i had somehow become a time traveller and was back to being 16 again, it must have been around my gcses because i think they popped up once or twice in this dream. anyway straight away i knew what had happened and the first thing i did in my dream was to write a note to my future self saying that mum would need to go to hospital and be checked out because i thought to myself, i already lost her once i don't want to lose her again. so i set about writing myself these notes and putting them in places where i knew i would find them 4-5 years down the line. then after school i saw my mums car waiting to pick me up and she got out of the car said "hi babe" and hugged me. now i've dreamt of my mum before but this was different it felt like she had created the dream so i could see her again and hear her voice (it was so real!) and feel her hug me again, i'm crying now but only because i'm happy. when i woke up i felt so calm and happy that i realised it couldn't have been a dream i had made myself. i knew that was my mums way of reaching out to me. some of you may not believe in that kind of stuff but it was just such a lovely feeling i felt i had to share. thanks for listening helen xxx

What Do I Do With The Rest Of It?

2008-08-09T11:33:28Z

Hi all! i know i have been a bit of a no-show lately. to be honest i've been trying to figure out what to do with the rest of my life! i tried running away, but that was only temporary so now i am back, with no job, no mum and no idea what the hell i'm gonna do! i have been looking into college courses and also have updated my cv to see what pops up but as soon as an offer of an interview comes through i panic and crawl back into myself! if anyone can tell me what that means then i'm happy to hear it. now i not only cry for my mum but for my future because it seems so uncertain. it has been 5 months since my mum passed away and in that time i feel i have achieved nothing. anyway just thought i'd keep you all updated xxxx

a poem for all you mums

2008-06-19T22:26:57Z

this is a poem i found while trying to think of something to say at my mums funeral. i ended up reciting this poem as it summed her up completely. i think its a lovely poem and every child could say it applies to their mum. so i'm no longer gonna be selfish and keep it to myself lol. hope you like.xxxxxxxxxxxx Your Mother Is Always With You Your mother is always with you... She's the whisper of the leaves as you walk down the street. She's the smell of bleach in your freshly laundered socks. She's the cool hand on your brow when you're not well. Your mother lives inside your laughter. She's crystallized in every tear drop... She's the place you came from, your first home.. She's the map you follow with every step that you take. She's your first love and your first heart break....and nothing on earth can separate you. Not time, Not space... Not even death.... will ever separate you from your mother.... You carry her inside of you.... dedicated to mum, Patricia A Burst who passed away 5/3/08 aged 48. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx