Thanks to those who relpied to my last blog...since joining this site, its amazed me how total strangers have managed to offer more comfort and advice than my friends who ive known for years. I wish my mum knew about this site when she was alive. Its such a relief to know that other people feel the same as me, to know that what im feeling is normal, and to know that its alright to be upset, to feel these things... my family have rightly or wrongly, as soon as my mum died focused on getting on with "normal life", we were told we had the rest of our lives ahead of us so live it, there was no point crying, moping, feeling sorry for ourselves we just had to get on with it.. which is true, i know how blessed i am to be alive, and i know everyday is a gift, but i also wanted to talk about how crap i was feeling without feeling it was the wrong thing to do, i just wanted to shout and scream and tell the world how much i was hurting, i wanted to talk about my mum(at least if i talked about her it wouldnt be so much like she wasnt there) but anyway just writing on here means i can get rid of the million things that are going on in my head.
Why is it though that everyone is embarressed when i say my mums dead? "She died of cancer".. they look at me with horror, and then theres that awkward silence, and then im the one who feels i have to say something to make them feel better like "its alright" and smile brightly just so they know im not going to break down and cry... even though its not alright, but if i actually told them how crap i felt and if shock horror i cried im sure theyd leg it. I could understand a little if it was just my friends who reacted in this way because they re only 19 and i guess lots of them havent lost there mum.. but i also get this reaction from people i work with who are all adults and friends parents, and basically any other adult i have told..Its not like cancer is some unknown disease, its not like its rare, its not like death only happens to certain people and yet people just dont know how to deal with it... when i start uni do i tell everyone? all these new people im going to meet, what am i going to say?? i dont want to make them feel awkward, but whats the other option, lie?
Its been 5 months today since my mum died... id never spent more than 4 weeks away from my mum before she died.. my mum always told me we had a special bond, she told me how when i was first born, she held me in her arms, just me and her and i looked straight into her eyes and she knew from the moment she looked into my eyes that i was going to her special girl and we would have this special bond....and i know we do because i think thats why i keep on going, because i know my mums bond is still there. The more time passes, the more i realise how much i am like my mum, i worry constantly about everyone and everything, i like to be early for everything, my family is my life, i have the same temper, the same need to be right all the time,.... so even though every day, every minute, every second of the past 5 months ive missed her.. i know shes still there somewhere, she`s whats kept me going when i saw no way forward.
I now know the meaning of a mothers love...the intense unconditional love that can never be replaced....i guess thats why sometimes i feel lonly, because a mothers love can never be replaced, no one else can ever love me like my mum did, and ive lost that, .... and when i look at my friends i feel jealous, jealous that they still have it, and they dont realise how damm lucky they are. However they do say love never dies.......
FormerMember
is in your heart forever!
how lucky a mum was she to have such a loving caring daughter
you said about telling your new friends at uni
why not print out this blog n give it out to your new friends well anyone really .....
let them know how you feel ...you will prob find other people with similar stories
go off to uni knowing that your mum is watching over you
Oh I get absolutely fed up with what I call the "cancer look" as soon as you mention you or a family member has or even has had it.It's part thank god its not me, part I shouldn't really be thinking that, part I don't want to deal with it because then the whole cancer becomes real and it might happen to me. And unfortunately those unaffected by cancer aren't always awarew of the fantastic developments in cancer treatments and still consider it a death sentence. Added to that you are dealing with the loss of your mum. You will never forget the care and the unconditional love that your mum gave you and you in turn will pass that on as yours and your mum's legacy. remember you haven't lost your mum's love it is there in every kind thing she did for you every look, glance she gave you, every hug and those stay forever. Of course it is natural to feel jealous of those who have still got their mums I felt intensely jealous of people when my dad died over twenty years agao, and even now I sometimes feel a tad resentful of people who still have their parents.Those negative feelings do fade, but the love you had for her and the love she had for you will be there forever.
Do take care, and the next time you look in the mirror and catch site of a glipse of your mum in your reflection, or you find yourself saying something along the lines that she did remember that she is still here in you
( hope this hasn't sounded too mawkish I seem to be in that kinds of mood!!!!)
You are your mother's daughter, this is the legacy she has left you so you are not on your own, you are living life for her and with her. She has shown you right from wrong. How to care for others and this you will pass on, from her, to your own family when your time comes. She would not want you to waste this talent and is probably looking forward to seeing how you add your own bits to it.
When you go to Uni and the chance arises just slip in that you ARE very lucky, that you had a great childhood, as if mum was still on the scene. Afterall, this is and always will be the truest statement you have ever made. Mum may not be here for a cuddle but she will still pull you up (in your mind) if you ever think about doing something she would not agree with! You say that sometimes you are jealous of your friends having their parents around, well, maybe, your friends feel uncomfortable that their life is still good? This is why they do not know what to say to you.
All the best with your future in Uni, make your mum prouder than she already is!!
as a mum of a 16 and 18 year old, who is facing death sooner rather than later. I can assure you that when I do go, I shall still be forever by my girls side, I will always be their mother, always love them unconditionally and forever. I know that if you really just think about your mum, you will feel her, she is there with you of that I am sure!
Hi Hatz, I just wanted to say that your mum would be so proud of you. You are a lovely girl and your mum's bond will live with you forever. Christine xx
