Tis the season

2009-12-06T22:38:43Z

I'm sorry to all the innocent people out there that I give angry looks to when they are smiling or chatting to their friends, laughing. I don't need that - you don't, and will never understand me. You don't know how much it makes my blood boil that you will have a normal Christmas, you will not know what it feels like to have the one fear in your life come true - and have to live through it.

My mom has gone, I will never see her again, never celebrate Christmas with her again.Never be able to hang the decorations up with her, sit in on Christmas Eve and watch crappy TV. Never wake up early and wish her a Merry Christmas, kiss her, hug her, get presents from her, (and still pretend that Father Christmas left the sack in my room), give presents to her, see her get dressed up for Christmas Day even thouh she knew she wouldn't be going anywhere...just spending time with us. Never sit around in our pyjamas opening presents - deciding which ones to open first, which to open last. Never cooking her Christmas lunch again, never pulling a cracker again, never telling her how much I hate Christmas pudding. Never will try to play boards games when there are only 3 of us, never sitting there again and watch her sleep, knowing she loves you. Never hearing her say 'Night, night. Loves you.' Never waking up knowing that she is asleep in the next room.

Now it is just me and my sister...that's my family now. Just us - we will have to get through the Christmas period with fake smiles, fake laughs. Christmas is surposed to be a time of family - my family has been torn apart by cancer. Life will never be the same.

Getting through the season that should be jolly

Tis the season