gerzabec's blog

1 Year on and it's creapt up and bit me again

2010-07-24T18:58:52Z

I haven't been on this site since my darling Ray passed over as I found it too hard. He has been gone 1 year on the 3rd August and it has been the year from hell. 2 weeks after his funeral my younger sister Jane was diagnosed with Peritoneal Cancer (a form of ovarian cancer). Up to that point she didn't even feel unwell, it was so sudden. She had an op to remove all the cancer and they told her she was 'microscopically clean' and they would give her chemo just to mop up. She had chemo up to February and was told all was clear, then 2 weeks ago had stomach pains again and has now been told that she is terminal, worst case scenario 6 months best cast scenario 3 years. She was taken back into hosptal yesterday with more stomach pains and they are saying they think it has something to do with the new chemo they have started. She is terrified and I don't know how to ease her fears. I am coming up to the anniversary of Ray's passing so am not feeling at my best at the moment. This year has been so bad, I miss him so much and just want him here to tell me what to do to help my sister. I watched him suffer for 6 months and still don't sleep properly, waking up and remembering his last moments. I love my sister dearly and just cannot find the right words for her. Ann

GOODBYE MY DARLING RAY

2009-08-06T19:27:34Z

My darling Ray died on Monday 3rd August at 09.45pm after a 5 month fight with cancer. I brought him home on the Friday before and he spent his last days in his own bed and died with all his family around him. It was very traumatic and sad but I was glad it was at home. I miss him so much as he was my soulmate, best friend and lover. My family have been terrific and helped me so much over the last few days with all the practical stuff which is a great relief. I still find it hard to believe he is not going to walk in the door and say ' hi sweetie'. I will love him for the rest of my life. Ann

MY WONDERFUL RAY

2009-07-31T17:54:06Z

I have brought my wonderful husband Ray home from hospital today so that he can pass away in his own home. I cannot tell you what I am feeling at the moment as my emotions are all shot away. The palliative nurse has told me that he has days or even a week before he is with me no longer. I cannot imagine life without him, he is my soul mate, my lover, my friend, my everything and the love of my life and I don't know how I will cope without him. He is asleep in his own bed at the moment after 2 weeks in hospital where they did everything possible for him. All of the nurses fell in love with him and called him a wonderful gentleman. He didn't know until this week that the cancer had gone completely out of control so it was bit of shock, but as usual he took the news with great dignity. I on the other hand feel cheated. Is this normal? I now have to go and tell his 87 year old mum (who has already lost 2 children) that her son will not recover. I think this will finish her off. I am on autopilot, trying to make him comfortable while really just wanting him back with me as he was before this terrible disease took hold of him. We only found out he had cancer in February and time has gone so fast since then. He had 4 bouts of chemo which was awful and had two more to go but the cancer broke through it and invaded his liver even more. I want to let everyone know what a champion he is to me and hope that he doesn't suffer too much before he goes to his father, sister and brother who have already gone. I have told him that he will see them all again shortly hoping this will give him some comfort. Ann

I FEEL SO USELESS AND AFRAID

2009-07-22T21:22:35Z

I have just come back from the hospital where my darling Ray had been told that the cancer in his liver has broken through the chemotherapy (doctors jargon). He was rushed in a week ago today with and very bad infection and his stomach very distended. They did CT Scan yesterday and told us the news at 6.46pm tonight that there really is not much hope. They are going to drain the fluid off his stomach tomorrow and give him diuretics to ease the build up. They have put a morphine line in his arm today to ease his discomfort. I am at a loss, he is so brave and is constantly thinking of me not himself but I just feel at the moment like I want to take all his pain away. We were told 3 weeks ago that the tumour in his stomach was shrinking and were on a high but now the secondary is his liver is spreading. I want to bring him home and give him loads of love just to make his pain go away. He is such a marvellous man. We have known each other 20 years but only got married 2 years ago on his 60th birthday and we had so much planned for retirement, but now all that has gone up in smoke. I love him so much and cannot imagine life without him. He has been through so much over the last 10 years, triple heart by pass 8 years ago, first heart attack at 43 (he is 62 now) and always fought through things but this is different we both know he will not win this battle. I cannot imagine him not being in my life anymore.

Can't take it all in

2009-07-13T14:42:54Z

I have only just joined as well, so forgive me for my gabble. My husband is at the moment sleeping - not coping very well with his 4th round of chemo. He is totally shattered, lethargic and his legs don't seem to work. He is on daily carboplatin tablets and epirubicin intraveniouslly every 3 weeks. It is knocking the crap out of him and I am totally at my wits end. I know he is not the only one suffering but to me, to see him having everything dragged from him slowly is devastating. Is this normal on the 4th round of chemo? We know his cancer is terminal but we are hoping that after 6 rounds of this chemo (one every 3 weeks) it will give him longer, however sometime I wonder. They say the tumour has shrunk a bit so that was good news and then you go on a high for a while until the next round of chemo knocks him back. Sorry to sound like I am whinging but I am at my wits end today and have had a good cry.