finding it hardhttps://community.macmillan.org.uk/cancer-blogs/b/finding_it_hard/atomTelligent Community (Build: 12.1.2.21912)2010-11-02T20:29:50ZThis week....https://community.macmillan.org.uk/cancer-blogs/b/finding_it_hard/posts/this-week2010-11-04T19:31:23Z2010-11-04T19:31:23Z<p>This week I've been feeling really down in dumps and I don't know why...I have been snappy and short with my partner and my work colleagues, the thing is that I can't really explain to them why I'm being like this...they see remission as amazing...everythings fine, nothing to worry...they think that just like that life becomes normal again. </p>
<p>Well for me doesn't feel like that, it feels like even though I'm not having treatment at the moment cancer is this massive part of my life. My job is quite stressful at the moment and this seems to be causing me to have some really horrible nightmares....not just about work...the other night I had a nightmare that the cancer came back and everyone around me caught it off me. I know ridiculus...but still it has freaked me out. Also I a close family friends father passed away just 2 weeks after being diagnosed...I didn't know him...but I now feel guilty for being self absorbed...I'm not the only one that this affects.</p>
<p>Me partner has just started a new job...so has his own worries at the moment and I don't want to burden him with it. </p>
<p>This sound crazy but I don't think when I was diagnosed that I fully allowed myself to believe what was happening...I refused to give up working and to be honest take any real time off work whilst going through treatment...(my work have been really supportive, it was me being stubborn). It now feels like everything that I sort of didn't feel whilst going through treatment is all starting to rise up inside me. I have tried councilling in the past, but it really wasn't for me...i find it hard to verbalise how i'[m feeling...i have kept a diary...but found that writing about it when it was happening was too hard.</p>
<p>Just thought I would vent some what.</p>
<p>TTFN</p>
<p> </p><div style="clear:both;"></div><img src="https://community.macmillan.org.uk/aggbug?PostID=382080&AppID=30684&AppType=Weblog&ContentType=0" width="1" height="1">Former Memberhttps://community.macmillan.org.uk/members/formermemberHey...not done this beforehttps://community.macmillan.org.uk/cancer-blogs/b/finding_it_hard/posts/hey-not-done-this-before2010-11-02T19:29:50Z2010-11-02T19:29:50Z<p>Well as the title says I've not done this before but I thought I'd give it a go.</p>
<p>I've been a member of this site for some while now, I joined whilst I was going through treatment, I did however find it hard to be on here at times, I guess it reminded me that sometimes it doesn't all work out, and at the time I was feeling very low. However, I am pleased to say that I'm not feeling so low now, I've been in remission for a whole three months.</p>
<p>Being is remission is great, the best feeling ever I guess, I seem to have spent pretty much all my adult life either fighting cancer or being remission, not quite made it to the all clear stage. However, sometimes I think I am move scared of the cancer coming back than I was when I had it. I lie awake at night worrying about what I will decide to do if it comes back. </p>
<p>Throughout all this my partner has been ace, the best of the best however sometimes I think he thinks well your not having treatment, your not ill stop worrying, stop wondering about the 'what ifs', I wish I could just explain to him that it isn't that simple and I know he thinks like that because he thinks that it will do me good but it's not.</p>
<p>This morning I lost my rag with him over there being no milk in the fridge, completely pathetic I know but sometimes, he forgets about cancer and the problem is I don't.</p>
<p>Anyways, kinda rambled on a bit.</p>
<p>TTFN</p><div style="clear:both;"></div><img src="https://community.macmillan.org.uk/aggbug?PostID=381576&AppID=30684&AppType=Weblog&ContentType=0" width="1" height="1">Former Memberhttps://community.macmillan.org.uk/members/formermember