Feelings,worries and joy

Thank you, Chocolate cake and promotion

2011-10-23T14:47:11Z

Hi all just wanted to say thank you for ll your nice comments over the last few days, havent felt great and didnt want to pass on my negativity so perked up a bit today and thought it was high time i paid a visit to family on here and thank you for being so caring and lovely x

Havent managed to change gps yet as they need a week before they can see me and seeing as i havent felt well this week decided to stay put for a week or two until the results are in. Doctor i saw was not my normal one, yippee, and i dragged hubbie along so we could kick arse ( sorry big sis no pun intended) and sort something out. Said Dr was not impressed with pain and sent me for bloods and an xray straight away and we are waiting on a scan date to come through........so once again we wait for results. Its the constant lighthead that bothers me and the fact that everything appears to have stopped working and i look 7 months pregnant. Blimey thats a thought last time i felt this dizzy ?????!!!!!!! lol wouldnt that be a turn up for the books, would turn me and hubbie grey overnight. Too old now for all that.

Had hubbies dad and wife round for dinner last night they have been amazing and so supportive so i decided to push the boat out and cook a real dinner party menu, not easy when your head feels like its about to fall off. Anyway made my special receipe stuffed mushrooms followed by meatballs and sauce on linguine and then i made a chocolate roulade which is filled with a chocoltae mousse and whipped double cream, yuuuuummmmmmyyyyy. impressed myself as had it all done in two hours and managed to lay the table all posh and make myself look clean, not a pretty sight when you are covered in cocoa powder and for some strange rason there are traces of chocolate mousse and melted chocolate around my mouth, didnt really lick the spoons hehehehehehe. All that rushing around in a hot kitchen was good though cause they thought i looked really well, slight head tilt but acceptable lol.

i am going on a course in a couple of weeks my manager has put me forward to be a mentor to all newbies and have control over thier development.......what are they thinking more like mental mentor ill hardly be setting a good example when it comes to my attendance record !!!!

love you all lots,

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Love really makes the world go round.

2011-10-17T16:03:42Z

Its been such a busy couple of weeks, trying ( being the operative word) to go back to work and failing miserably. I was in a few days and then have been off again for the last couple of weeks.

Whilst i was at work we held our Mac coffee morning and raised about £350 we had the local mayor with her big shiney necklace lol help us out and she even stood outside the office beckoning people in she even bought some raffle tickets. We were lucky enough to have several prizes donated by local business men and women and some of the shops too. It was quite funny when she came back after the weekend to do the draw and she won a prize, she really was lovely and we had a long chat about the state of the referral system in our area.

Then came the trip that i have been waiting for .... flying to corfu to visit my daughters who i hadnt seen for a year. it was such an emotional trip hubbie met them for the first time and they adore each other. we made the most of every moment . The only downside was the hotel but who cares. I wont say much else on that as its still very raw that i have left them behind yet again but plans are that they move back here with me once the finish school when thier father cant stop them anymore....the countdown has started and i have to say i never thought the time would come. My eldest bought me a beautiful silver necklace with four separate hearts it blew me away that she had saved her money to buy that for me, i am such a lucky mummy .

I did see my ex inlaws who were very emotional, funny how a diagnosis can turn the strongest person to an emotional wreck and all past issues forgotten. As my title says love is what makes this world a wonderful place to be in , the love of my family and friends old and new will always give me the strength to fight another day. Life is too short for disputes and it made me sad to see what has happened here the last few days.The one thing we should all remember is that text is so unemotive and never comes across the way we wish and every now and then things like this happen and can happen to anyone, the most loving person can sound awful to one person and loving to someone else it is how we read it and it will happen on ANY site. Enough said i love everyone and havent the energy to say anything else.

feeling a bit tired and emotionally drained. I found this trip very hard and didnt have the energy to do as much as i wanted. I have been to a new doctors day to pick up forms to join. I saw a friend today who is a nurse and when i mentioned symtoms she was almost pushing me to the doctors. Ive been getting really bad dizzy spells and pain under my ribs and lower right side, i look very pale and have done for a few weeks and my GP just listened to my chest when i explained it to her, she makes me feel like a hypochondriac and yet these are the ones that made me wait 14 weeks for a referral for my cancer diagnosis lol says it all really. Havent said too much to hubbie but he has noticed the change and is worried. so time to get forms filled out and appointment at the new doctors asap.

sorry if this is a little disjointed, in pain and not comfy but wanted to say hello to eveyrone

Love and hugs to all xxx

Ready for work or not ?

2011-09-26T04:15:26Z

I really want to pour my heart out on this one as i have had an awful couple of days but at the same time i know that is not fair on anyone who wants to look at this i just feel i need to write it down as it might make more sense.

All i can say is that last night i feel like i had an emotional melt down and i am not really sure where it came from but i know one thing i never want to be like that again. My poor hubbie wasat the receiving end of it and he had done nothing wrong. It has been a few months of worry and emotional turmoil and other stresses as well that have all added up to me feeling like i was the one trying to keep things in order when all i really wanted was for someone to take some of the responsibilty of everything else of my shoulders and look after me not me looking after everyone else emotionally and financially.

The one thing i have also realised is that i am possibly having side effects from coming of the tramadol, ive been on it since july and have been having cold sweats aching bones stomach ache and dizzy spells and maybe i should now add raging anger and yet it is so not like me, i scared myself last night and now cant sleep. Hubbie and i hardly ever argue as neither of us can bear the awkward silence after so god knows how we will feel in the morning.

So i am supposed to be going back to work today but now i ask myself am i really ready emotionally let alone physically, has last night shown me that i need to comfort myself for a little longer or am i putting of the inevitable. Company pay is coming to an end but i do have some holiday which i could take and give me a few weeks grace.

I am just so confused i know i cant just forget the last few months and still waiting on biopsy results but i am optomistic that they will be fine and that once my surgury heals i will be over the worst. Its just how do you know you are ready togo back to work last night showed me maybe not or do i just get on with it, im so tired its awfull how this disease effects you emotionally and in my case more so than phsycially my heart goeas out to those of you who have it so much worse than i do and also makes me feel so guilty about how i feel. I said to a friend on saturday i wish i could give myself a kick and get some enthusiasm and energy back into my life. Dont get me wrong its not all doom and gloom i do have good days and moments that i enjoy.

Well i have a couple of hours to make up my mind but i think i might call the gp and see if i can get some councilling and think about work another day, and yet then i feel guilty about letting my manager down at the last minute but then i dont want to go in all down, people will expect me to be my old happy funny scatty self..............

Oh well , time for a cup of tea and if you have read this i am sorry and yet thank you for taking the time, hopefully i will be back to normal soon xxxx

Update

2011-09-23T11:57:00Z

Ok well ive managed to get on the site so thats a step in the right direction i have warped saved on my favourites and everyday countless times i have tried to get into it but it always timesout ?! I see big sis has set up a temp site on her blog so i will go say hi there as well but thought i would tell you about my week on here.....

Hospital appointment wasnt great i had a camara stuck up my nose and a fine needle biopsy taken from what was confirmed as a enlarged lymph node on my cheek. It wouldnt have been so bad but the doctor didnt numb the area up first ( is that normal ?) and he felt like he was stabbing the node and shifting it with this needle and hence for 2 days now i have a swollen cheek. Now got to wait for the results but now have another node swollen under my jaw although this may be in response to other one being totally traumatised .

My coffee morning which is being held in my office is coming along fantastically all my colleagues have really got behind it and have made some amazing arrangements. We have a raffle with prizes donated by local businesses and cakes and i think the local coffeee shop is going to donate flasks of coffee for us. Our local mayor and newspaper are coming too and this has all been done because my friends knew how much i wanted to say thank you to macmillan for everything they have done for me and for introducing me to my mac family. I have also decided to return my new bag, its too fancy for me and well out of my affordable bracket so with the refund i am going to boost the donations and put the rest away for an emergency in the winter. It makes more sense and i am not really a self indulging person on the best of days and i cant even take it out the bag without feeling guilty hahahaha

i have booked my holiday to go and see my daughters and can't wait, we are going on the 7th for a week.

Anyway lovely friends speak to you soon xxxxxxx

Sorry in advance, read with caution xx

2011-09-11T15:10:36Z

I must have been searching for ages , all i wanted to do was add an update to my blog.....how long can it take...... how emotional am i feeling right now.....must have something to do with it. sometimes the easiest things are the hardest especially when your eyes are filled with something that resembles tears but yet there is nothing to cry about ( no i am not pre menstrual, had that last week ) i think this is all to do with this bloody disease. I will try to explain what has happened this week and how i feel but i apologise in advance in case some of you think i am ungrateful.

I have spent the last 6 months waiting, waiting for doctors, tests, biopsies and results. Durring this time my mind has played out the possible results of what could be, not a good thing i know, and trying to accept the deck of cards that i had been dealt. Pain aside the incredible stress i put myself under and my family as well, all lead to me not being able to function, yes i could get up manage my home but couldnt manage going to work as my job involves health questionnaires at certain points that talks about cancer etc and i got to the point where i would just start to cry, not a professional look by any standards.

Anyway, i went to the hospital on Wednesday and sat there with amazing hubbie. We got called in and hubbie took my things and i was left in a large room with consultant, two nurses and not a theatre but an examination room. Was asked to put a gown over my clothes and lie down. for those of you who like Holby my surgeon is like the american Micheal but totally devoid of a personality. I mentioned my worries and he brushed them off he didnt want to discuss anything other than get on with the job in hand. Now this is supposed to be amazing surgury, MOHS is supposed to be ground breaking etc but to be honest i would give anything to go for a wide excision no questions aked and to have been put out for what followed next was nothing short of a nightmare.

I layed down and he tried to put local anesthetic in my nose, yes this part of the op is not done whilst asleep.....the pain is nothing short of shooting all over and then he says ok.... nurse tries to hold my hand but i am aware i might break it if i allow my pain and emotions through. so he slices away and i yelp and my legs go flying and he realises that he did nt give me enough...

10 ,inutes later i am escorted back to hubbie to await the results of the skin slice and hubbie looks on in horror as his wife is marched into a waiting room white as white and shaking from head to toe and even nurses look concerned !!!! Hence tea etc and blankets, bit late shouldnt care start from the moment you arrive.

An hour later i am told its clear op cancelled for following day oh and why am i not happy cause most patients are so happy to get the news.

I have all my life been told i am a chatter box from school onwards, even my clients have a hard time, maybe thats why they love me cause i take the pressure off them. But for once in my life i was totally speechless and not for good or bad resons. I cannot explain what went through my head, dont get me wrong i am pleased i didnt need a new nose but does that mean i am waking up after a bad nightmare or just enetering a good dream and how do i shake off the experience i have just been through ?

Does that mean that everything i have felt has been a lie for the last few months..... will work realise what and how i felt and that i wasnt lying, do family really understand that this was a real experience. yes i have cancer but does everyone feel i am a fake because i got of lightly...... so many questions and yet all i can do is cry and be angry and yet i am not sure what i am angry at, this bloody wrotten disease for taking up the last 6 months of my life. I went to the shops yesterday and laughed when i saw christmas stuff surely easter comes before christmas. oh yes i missed that god does this disease really pass so many months of your life unaccounted for......

I feel so ungrateful for such a good outcome and yet still some tests to go......I still feel like my results have been mixed up and that i might be walking around with what i believe is there.....Is this normal...... all i know is that thsi horible disease has left me with nothing but awful memories. Actually thats not true because being on here has shown me the kindest, nicest and considerate family i have ever known and without them i would never have got this far.

I am so sorry, without even reading back i know its depressive but i need to put it down and in the words of my bid sis, ' anyone that made it this far deserves a prize' so drinks are on me.....