fear

Life without pop

2011-03-21T20:04:08Z

Hi everyone

I havent been on here in a while and to be honest i dont really know why, i think ive just been burying my head in the sand and trying my best to get on with life. Things have been very difficult and its taken me a while to get used to living my life without my pop and to be honest i havent been coping like i should have been and the whole grieving process has been harder than what i thought but im getting through it and after all its only been 10 weeks tommorow.

My care is now focused on nan as although ive always thought she was the strong one i didnt realise how much my pop did for her and losing him has had a massive impact on her. She turned 80 yesterday but didnt want any fuss so we just spent the day with her but im sure my pop will have been with us too. They would have been married 45 yr on friday so shes feeling low at the moment.

Im very lucky to have this site as its helped me through some very hard times so i would just like to say again a BIG thankyou

Nicola xx

plodding along

2011-01-30T10:04:03Z

Well ive been keeping myself busy this last week and trying my hardest to get myself out of depression mode. Im not so sure whether going back to work has helped as i just dont seem to have any heart in it which isnt like me as i normally love my job. My work collegues have been good but when they ask about my family i just want to cry but im sure thats normal and will get better in time.

The family dont talk about pop alot and im putting it down to not wanting to get upset but the one person who does is my my 3yr old little girl who misses him alot and is keeping his memory alive, its unreal how much they take in and shes brought a smile through my tears more often this week. We walked past the local hospital where pop was for a while and she said (oh mammy i wish pop was back from heaven so he could be with nan and us) i replied so do i darling hes a big miss, ( i know he is mammy and is that why you cry and are sad alot) i said yes, ( well i love you mammy and im going to give you extra big cuddles just like pop gave us). Shes such a little star god love her and knows the right things to say which makes me so proud of her and at the age of 3 shes an insperation to me and gives me all the reasons and strength to carry on.

Nicola xx

Feeling isolated

2011-01-22T17:13:58Z

A few days have passed after the funeral and i thought i would be getting my head around things abit better but this isnt happening. Everyone seems to be getting on with life in general but my days seem so long and the nights even longer. I know i should be dealing with things better for the sake of my family but i feel like now the funeral is over people seem to have fogot about pop and all i want to do is talk about him.

I get so angry towards my husband when he laughs with someone and i know its not his fault and that im just pushing him away but i dont mean to, my heads all over the place and i dont know where to turn or who to talk to as i dont want to upset anyone.

Im hoping this is normal and will eventually pass but until then ive got a very patient and loving husband who has to put up with me.

Im starting back at work tonight so maybe that will occupy me but im dreading caring for other people at work when i feel like my hearts been ripped out because i cant care for my pop anymore.

Final goodbye

2011-01-17T10:04:27Z

The funerals tommorow and to be honest im dreading it, it always seems so final after a funeral and alot of people think that the grieving should finish and we should get on with our lives. Thats not the case for a lot of people on here and certainly not for me, its been the hardest week ever having to adjust to life without pop in it and even though ive been busy organising things the thought of whats to come after is never far from my mind. My days were spent looking after my pop and giving him the best care i knew how so when everythings finished i know im going to be at a loss of what to do with myself. I have my job to go back to but thats going to be hard for me as i care for people with learning disabilitys and i dont know how im going to feel caring for others and not for pop, im hoping it might take my mind of things but i wont know till i go back.

I really miss my cuddles from pop and him saying remember that i love you always, even on the night he passed away he held me and wiped my tears away, always such a strong caring man and even wanting to save me from hurting right up until the end.

Although we are saying goodbye to him tommorow its not for me it just a farewell for now and i hope that when its my day he will be waiting for me. Theres a place in my heart where he has always been and where he will stay and he will be in my thoughts everyday.

Hes getting a good send off and all his friends and loved ones will be there to pay there last respects, the flag at the local navy club is flying half mast for him and i know he will be really proud of that.

Nicola xx

Greaf

2011-01-13T10:19:32Z

Well i dont really know what im feeling at the moment but strong isnt one of them. One minuite im ok the next im crying then shouting and ranting so im just up and down. Im ok when im busy organising everything. I decided to do some washing today and found some clean clothes of pops what i had washed last week from the hospital and that was it the floods come again. I just cant seem to get my head around things and find that fight what ive always had in me. The worst part is missing my pop and caring for him.

The funeral is on tuesday and were giving him the good send off he so deserves and making it as beautiful as i can.

I would like to THANK each and everyone of you that sent me the comments, they really touched my heart and reminded me once again that i have met some amazing people on here who have gave me the strength and courage to go on and i know that without you all i dont think i could have got through this so from the bottom of my heart a great BIG thankyou and for you all to know i will never forget you and although the fight for my pop has ended i will still fight for all of you who is battling cancer to get well soon and for all the carers i hope to give that little bit of support to carry on.

Nicola xxxx

A BROKEN HEART

2011-01-12T01:08:49Z

My beautiful brave pop lost his fight against cancer tonight and died at 8.30. Sadly he got very distressed and had to go into hospital which i didnt want but had no choice.

I spent all day with him and it was soooo horrible to see him as distressed as he was and me so helpless to do anything. At half seven i felt the need again to tell pop that i loved him more than the world and that hes been the best pop anyone could ask for, he wiped away my tears and said thankyou for everything and i love you. Pop asked me to leave at 7.40 on the promise that i would return in the morning so i agreed. I asked the nurse to ring me if he wants me and said i would be back soon in the morning. I got a call at 8.30 to say he had gone.

I cant get over how quick it was and really unexpected although we knew it wouldnt be long i just didnt think it was going to be that quick. My heart is broken into a thousand pieces and although i know he isnt suffering now i just wanted to be with him to the end but someone had other ideas and i feel so guilty. So what do i do now, i feel as though my right arm has been cut off. Ive never felt as bad as this before and have a physical pain as if my heart is actually breaking.

Life can be so cruel at times but im glad my pop knew how much he meant to me and that i wouldnt be where i am today if it wasnt for him. He was a true gentleman and never complained about his cancer and fought it so bravely. I just wish i was as brave because right now i dont have the fight or the strength to get through this.

I LOVE YOU POP ALWAYS HAVE AND ALWAYS WILL AND THERES A PLACE IN MY HEART WHERE ILL KEEP YOU FOREVER AND EVER UNTIL THE DAY WE MEET AGAIN.

Home at last

2011-01-10T23:01:36Z

We brought pop home tonight and it was worth all the hard work just to see that beautiful smile on his face. The doctor told us that he doesnt think he has much time but im sure with good care and lots of love we can keep him for alittle longer.

Im feeling alittle weepy tonight and dont really know what to do with myself but i think its just the stress of today and tommorow ill be back and fighting.

Thanks for all the earlier comments it really warms my heart to know that i can come on here and get good advice and lots of comfort. Ive met some pretty amazing people on here who although are going through some tough times themselves still find the time to write to me and i will never be able to thank you all enough. I cant tell you all how much you have really helped me through this difficult time i will always be eternally grateful.

I would just like to wish you all good health and happiness hope and 2011 brings you everything you all deserve.

A BIG THANKYOU

Nicola xx

Home is in sight

2011-01-10T12:02:09Z

I had a good chat with the nurses in the hospital yesterday as when i went to see pop i seen a big change in him. The nurses agreed that he is going down fast and said if he really wants to be home nows the best time to take him so im meeting with the doctor at half three today to discuss with him about getting pop home.

I know weve got hard times ahead but with the help of the macmillan nurse we are able to take pop home and i know thats where he really wants to be. So its busy busy busy today moving furniture so we can bring his bed downstairs and make him comftable.

Pop never talks about whats going to happen but im sure he knows as he talks alot now about the good times weve had and tells me so many times in a day how much he loves us and how grateful he is for having us in his life and that hes sorry its come to this and him being a pest to me. I cant state enough to him that hes my pop and im not doing this because i have to its because i want to and wouldnt have it any other way. Its me whos the lucky one for having him in my life and i cant tell him enough how much he is loved and respected and always will be.

So home is in sight for pop today and when i told him yesterday the smile on his face said it all. Im not thinking about whats ahead just the here and now and the last precious moments with pop and making him comftable for as long as i can.

macmillan angel

2011-01-07T12:38:42Z

These last two weeks have been some rollercoaster ride, between going back and forth to the hospital visiting pop and taking him to his specialist appointments and then running down to my nan who is in bed with the flu and trying to cook and clean for my husband and little girl ive barely had time to think about anything else.

Then when i went to visit pop yesterday he was in deep conversation with a lady who ive never seen before and for the first time in ages as i watched through the window in his door i seen him smile which brought a tear to my eye. She introduced herself as christine and shes a macmillan nurse and a very nice one at that. At first i panicked thinking oh god is this it but have a long conversation with christine and a few unanswered questions which me and pop had i must say i felt alot better about things and so does pop.

I hoped i wouldnt have to get anyone else involved in pops care and although it was the hospital who contacted her im happy for some help. Ive had to admit to myself as much as i hate to do so that i cant do it all myself as the last two weeks have left me feeling emotionally and physically drained and thats without being at work as well.

And so the macmillan angel has arrived in our life and although im still going to be with pop all the way ive got someone who i can lean on and look for guidence throughout this difficult time. Shes a wonderful lady with years of experience and kind eyes that tells me its ok i understand which means alot. After only one conversation with christine i know shes gonna be a god send to us all and that i am thankful of.

New Year

2010-12-31T10:57:31Z

Well christmas didnt go to well for pop and now the new year looks even worse. I got up yesterday and pop was really confused and didnt know what he was doing so i thought it was best to call the doctor out to have a look at him.

The doctor thought it was best to admit my pop to hospital more for a rest but i was hoping to keep him at home with us but thats been taken out of my hands now. He really didnt want to go in the hospital so now i feel so guilty. On the plus side the hospital is right over the road from me so i can go in and out and hopefully we will get him home where he wants to be with us.

I wish everyone a happy new yr and good health to you all and with a bit of luck a new cure for this disease which breaks so many hearts.

A BIG THANKYOU to the many people on here who have helped me through some difficult times and given me the advice and the strength to carry on.

And last but not least to my loverly pop who has brought me up and gave me all the happy childhood memories that anyone could want. Who has loved and supported me through the good and the bad,who makes me smile through my tears and fight through my fears and has loved me unconditionally. You make me so proud pop and i know you cant be with me forever but you will always be in my heart. I love you more than anything. So the BIGGEST THANKYOU goes to you pop for helping me to become the person i am today.

Christmas

2010-12-28T10:51:57Z

Well crimbo has been up and down for pop. He got rushed into hospital on christmas eve as he took ill but they let him out on christmas morning so he was able to come to mine for dinner. He looked so ill god love him but tried his best with his dinner and in between a few tears from us all there was smiles too. Hes still not well and im trying my best to keep him comftable and smiling but things seem to be going down hill fast.

I cant believe its come to this in only 4 months, he was such a healthy man and didnt look his age at all but now looks every bit and more. Life seems so unfair and when i read the storys on here its hard to believe that so many people are suffering with this disease. I thought it would never happen to my family and i didnt realise what effect it can have on people till it happened.

Im sorry that im not in the christmas cheer like i should be more so for my 3yr old little girl but watching my pop go through this is harder than what i thought and even though the family thinks im the strong one and complement me on it daily i get home and just want to scream IM NOT STRONG and I CANT HANDLE THIS but i dont till im on my own and then carry on as normal as i possible can. All i can do is keep strong for everyone even when i dont feel it but one things for sure theres only my love for my pop and my family that keeps me going and im going to cherish every minuite of it.

Nicola xx

A very diffrent pop

2010-12-21T11:05:36Z

Well on my last blog things were going great but as we all know this terrible disease can change things fast. My pops took poorly and is in alot of pain, ive had the doctor out who upped his morphine so pops sleeping alot at the moment. When hes awake he is very angry and short tempered which isnt him at all and it shows how frustrated he really is. We had a good talk and he finally admitted to me that he isnt so strong hes absolutley petrified of dying. It hurt me because i just didnt know what to say to him and all i could do was put my arms around him while he sobbed and me along with him. It must be soooo scary for him knowing what the future holds for him and i cant imagine whats going through his head. I havent looked at what the future is going to be because how do you accept that a person who is so special to you and you love so much is going to die. I dont think you can and i think ive just pushed it to the back of my mind somewhere and hopes it doesnt crop up and so i carry on with life caring for my pop.

I dont know what this christmas is going to be like i had so many plans to make it special for him but this cancer puts a stop to so many things, i can only hope he picks up alittle so he can enjoy it the best he can. Ill try to put all my strength in him to make this happen whether my heart is breaking or not. He doesnt want to be in hospital for christmas and im going to try my best for that not to happen.

So here i am still smiling up at my pop and crying into my pillow at night but never infront of pop, ive got to keep fighting for him as thats all i know how to do. One things for sure he will have the best care possible from me and he will always know how much he is loved and how proud of him i am always and forever.

pops still smiling

2010-12-14T09:13:42Z

Well things are going ok for now and my pops been happy and smiling although hes had sad days he seems to be having alot more happy ones and is looking forward to spending crimbo with us.

Hes been getting out and about on his mobility scooter and has been getting to the pub for a few pints with his brother in law and enjoying the crack with his old friends. Hes also doing good with his eating and although he hasnt put any weight on he hasnt lost any either so its all good at the moment.

Im hoping to spend the best christmas ever with him and im going to make it extra special for him with a big party on new yrs day which i know he will love.

Im not looking forward to the new yr as i know its going to be a hard one and cant bear to think about what will happen so im concentrating on the here and now and spending every precious moment with my pop and making him as happy as i can. I love him more everyday (which i thought wasnt possible) but the strength and courage he shows on a daily basis amazes me and never looks for sympathy. Hes such a special man and im the proudest women alive to call him POP.

Hospital again

2010-12-02T09:51:02Z

Well my pops ended up back in hospital yesterday because his stents blocked AGAIN. Hes fed up as its only been 9 days since it was last unblocked but the tumour is growing that fast it keeps covering it. He hates going in but its the best place for him even though he hates the food and being away from home.

On the plus side his brother in law has arrived even though he had problems due to the snow so i know he will be eager to get home to see him so lets hope they unblock it today and we get to put a big smile on his face.

What can i say

2010-11-26T09:24:31Z

Well my pop seemed to be taken the bad news rather well and all he said to me was i dont want to leave you which is typical of pop always thinking of me and nan and not himself. Im still trying to get my head around things without any luck at the moment.

I spent all day yesterday with him and he seems to have got it into his head that if he puts some weight on he can have chemo for the cancer thats spread into his liver. I really didnt know what to say, i didnt want to say no pop you cant as the look in his eyes was so hopeful. Weve been trying to get him to put weight on for ages with no success and although hes eating alittle better its no where near what he should be eating and this is why hes to weak for chemo. So im thinking that the news hasnt really sunk in to him yet and dreads when it does.

Pops really looking forward to his brother in law coming over from canada next thursday and this seems to have brightned him up alot although hes worried that he wont be able to go to the local pub with him as when he went a couple of months ago he couldnt manage to get a drink down. Ive told him he can still go and enjoy himself even if he doesnt manage a drink he will be in good company as all his friends miss him and he never drank alot anyway. So im hoping bill will get him out while hes here on his visit instead of him staying in all the time.

Im hoping that my pop makes it to christmas as they come to mine for it and im hoping to make it the best one ever for him. I feel that christmas is ruined but ive got to make the effort for him and my little girl so thats what im focusing on.