Duchessx2's blog

My darling Bobbie has lost his fight.

2010-08-04T08:35:06Z

My darling husband passed away on Sunday 1st August. He fought so very hard right up until the bitter end.. I feel so numb just do not know what to do. He was the most wonderful husband and father that anyone could wish for. Our lives will never ever be the same, my very best friend is not here any more. I feel so lost, people say stay strong for all the children. I shall try my utmost for them but other than that I feel my world has ended. I cradled him in my arms until the very end and shall never forget that, at the hospice they were calling him the miracle man.because of his sheer determination for the last 8wks.

God bless you Bobbie you are at peace now, you were suffering so much, but no more suffering now.

Your Duchess x

Losing my Bobbie slowly and painfully

2010-04-18T22:51:29Z

I have not been on here for so long, but need to write my thoughts down. I shall probably waffle on, my darling husband is so ill now and I am losing him. Feel so bloody angry, helpless, sad it really seems to be sinking in now. What will we do without him, cannot not imagine my life or my childrens lives without him. Our son Charlie, such a fantastic runner, Bobbie was his coach, he is letting it all go cannot focus at all without his Dad at his side, he is 17 yrs and become Essex 200m champ with his Dads coaching and help. Then there is Tommy loves his football wanted to follow his Dad into the same profession, footballer but he did not play this season because he says his Dad is not there on the sidelines to cheer him on. God I could ramble on about all the things he will not be there for with all our children, but the others are older and have had his support and they all now have their partners to help them along as well as me. Would not wish this on anybody watching your loved one dying slowly in front of you. The pancreatic cancer has returned, after all he went through, that long horrible op and he seemed to be on the way back up and fighting fit, but this dreaded disease has returned, he is on a syringe driver with so much painkillers pumping in each day, he is so confused and frightened, he is not the Bobbie I used to know, I feel like I am caring for a complete stranger at times. but I do my best and I shall help him through and through right til the bitter end. I cannot sleep day or night because I keep watching him to see if he is breathing, Feel so lost if only I could swap places, he just does not deserve what he is going through, he has been such a kind, funny man everybody who met him loved him so much and he gave so much love back. Never was there a dull day with him around. He is my soulmate and I am losing him..............

So sorry to go on , feeling so sorry for myself when there are so many of you out there going through the same things.

So confused and helpless

2010-01-11T03:32:52Z

My husband had the whipples op New Years eve 2008, followed by chemo, 6 mnths worth and then they decided to give hime radiotherapy. He was supposed to have 5 wks of this but was in so much pain after just 2 lots that they stopped this after his 5th amount, but he also ended up in hospital for 9days in such terrible pain and was very unwell. They put him on morphine patches to help deal with the pain when he came home and also oxycon for back up. He did not last very long at home because he was re-admitted to hospital nearly 5wks ago in excruitiating pain in his back and they do not seem to be getting this sorted out. He has had a block injected of chemicals into his back but this is not working, also on a diamorphine syringe driver the highest they can afford for him to have and back up of diamorphine injections every 2 hrs if needed. He has lost so much weight there is nothing of him. They have now decided to send him to St. Thomas' hospital for a PET scan. They say it could be trapped nerves after the whipple op, but we feel they have perhaps given him to much radiotherapy, more than they should have in such a little space of time. Has anybody else experienced this or similar.. I feel absolutely helpless and feel like I am watching my husband die slowly and painfully, I am at my wits end. Could somebody please give me a little advise, anything. thank-you.

Feel like exploding.

2009-12-28T08:26:32Z

I feel everything is building up in me and I am going to explode. I have gone from being a person who I thought was quite a chilled and relaxed person. Did not use to lose temper with people, but oh how I have changed, what is happening to me. Bob was taken back into hospital on the 12th Dec, in excruciating pain, and is still there. So not a great Christmas. Christmas eve so strange him not being here, I did not stop crying. Sat and stared at christmas tree most of the night , thinking why oh why us. Feel like I have had to fight to get him treatment to treat the terrible pain he is in. He was admitted and put on a ward where they did not seem to care less, took them 4hrs/3hrs just to get pain killers which the doctor said he should have every 2hrs. I know the nurses are busy, but these nurses just seemed to be interested in what they would be doing or wearing for Christmas, and I am sorry but when it comes to your own loved ones watching them in so much pain, I know it is terrible but I thought no why should you be laughing and joking, these nurses on this ward did not seem to care less. I just hope one of their relatives never have to go through this. I can't even say what my elder children wanted to do to them, I had to try and keep them calm, while trying to stay calm myself. It is the hardest thing I have had to do. Finally got Macmillans involved and ward management, the macmillans were appalled at what Bob had had to go through for 3days. He is now on a ward, which I cannot fault one bit, where the nurses are like angels.He has now been in hospital 16 days, pain is getting better with pain killers, but they do not know what is causing such excruiciating pain, they are quite baffled. Hopefully he could be out for the New Year, I hope and I pray he will be, but he is so frail, this pain has really pulled him down to rock bottom. I feel like I am there also. I am so trying to get out of this rut, I must for his sake and for the children but there does not seem ther is any light at the end of the tunnel. Oh well best get myself ready and get off to the hospital, sorry to anybody who reads this for waffling on so much, but feel that this is the only place I can express myself openly, because I have to put on a front to everybody at home, this is why I feel like exploding.

Bobbie

2009-11-13T01:36:02Z

At last Bobbie has had MRI Scan and CT Scan yesterday, to see if any damage has been done from the radiotherapy overdose. Now all we have to do is wait for results on the 24th Nov. He should not have to be going through this, has lost all his confidence in the hospital, don't blame him. Thank goodness for PALS at the hospital, if it wasn't for them I think we would still be waiting for scans to be done. Just got to try and build his confidence back up now and try to get him back on a positive outlook. Its our daughter's birthday today so looking forward to our family get together tonight. Hopefully this will give him a boost seeing all the family and friends together. I do not know were I would have been without them all. They all certainly make me be more positive about things when I am not feeling strong about things. Oh well fingers crossed for the 24th. Hate this waiting!!!!

So confused

2009-11-05T05:22:39Z

My Bobbie, he seems to be getting worse. Was looking so well and feeling it when we went to Greece [on our surprise holiday]. He started radiotherapy had 7 lots and was getting more ill by the day. He kept telling them it was so painful, but they kept sending him back for more. Well he ended up in hospital, for 2 wks, after he could not take any more has lost another 2st in just a few wks, did not have it to lose. They have now stopped all treatment, one doctor has said they have given him too strong radiotherapy and this is what has caused him to become so unwell and in pain, more distressing to watch him in this pain than after his whipple op. They have now sent him home, after getting pain under control and building him up a little. Gave him bone scan and ct scan but these have come back inconclusive, so they want to give him mri scan. I feel though that I am having to fight to get things done, first of all they said he could have one end Nov. but now after loads of phone calls they have brought it forward to 12th Nov. I just cannot sit back and watch him so ill and feel they are not doing anything to help, after we feel that they have caused this by giving him too strong a dose of radiotherapy, who do you trust. Your hands are tied though because you need help, I am so confused, the eldset children are so angry about all this and I am trying to keep them calm about things, but also my main concern is my Bobbie, cannot bear so see the suffering he is going through and I am the one who has encouraged him to have the treatment. feel so so guilty. Sorry to everybody who reads this because I am ranting on and feel so angry myself inside and ready to explode. They have just sent us home to wait, well I am sorry but I will not wait and watch somebody suffer like this.

Wonderful holiday, but now feel so sad.

2009-10-17T23:23:55Z

Finally back on the new site has taken quite a while. The last time I was on the old site our children had surprised us with a wonderful break to our friends in Greece and also surprised us because they were there, nearly all of us together , except for 2 who could not make it , but were there in our minds. They had also surprised us by planning a blessing for Bob & I , such a wonderful day and a wonderful week. Did not want it to end. Bob relaxed so much, it was lovely to see our friends we stayed at their apts. Our family have been going there for about 14yrs and they are wonderful. The blessing took place and there was not a dry eye in the place, a very emotional but happy day. Will never ever forget it. The priest blessed us and the only words we understood, because it was all in greek, were our names it did not matter though because it sounded lovely.

We are now back home, Bob started his radiotherapy 1st Oct. has had it very day and also chemo once a wk , was suppose to be having it for 6wks but developed terrible pains in back and stomach and lost weight rapidly. In so so much pain has had to be admitted to hospital and has been there since Tuesday, he is not eating/drinking, so poorly. He just seemed to be getting himself fit again and bang knocked right back down. He looks more ill now than at the very beginning, I feel absolutely helpless. Why, why, why it is not fair, he is such a wonderful person and does not deserve to suffer so much. The doctors are not sure what is happening at the moment and have stopped all treatment and trying to get pain under control. Was under control for a few days, but has it come back again . Has anyone else experienced anything like this. I just want to go to the hospital tomorrow and see the sparkle back in his eyes, please please, please.

I have changed my profile pic, my new one shows us at our blessing, I treasure this so much and all the other pics.

Finally

2009-08-30T23:13:24Z

Finally my Bobbie has had his last lot of chemo on Friday, he has been wonderful and made it through 18 sessions, now to face the radiotherapy in a few weeks time. He is not looking forward to this at all. We have also been given a wonderful surprise, our children have booked us a holiday to Crete (Greece) and they gave us the tickets yesterday and we fly off on Tuesday, not got a thing ready, but hey who cares, they know I am the worlds most unorganised person going, so its going to be all hands on deck to get everything together and get us to the airport and off we go to see our friends in Crete who we have not seen for 4 yrs. This is going to do Bob the world of good I am so excited I feel like a small child waiting for Father Christmas to come on christmas eve. [how silly is this] I can,t sleep or keep still just want Tuesday to come as quick as possible.

Our Wedding Anniversary [this should be happy, but feeling so sad]

2009-07-12T01:03:55Z

Our Wedding Anniversary is on Tuesday 14th July and I know I should be feeling so happy. Especially as we have been together now for 32 yrs. It really now is hitting home that this time last year we hardly had a care in the world and now I feel that I am dreaming and I am going to wake up from this terrible dream my family and I are in, but no this is not going to happen. All along I have told people yes I understand what is happening and yes I am coping with everything, but now I am approaching our wedding anniversary it is hitting home that my wonderful husband is so unwell, and this is not going to go away. He has been gradually coming to terms with everything, has been haveing chemo for 4mnths and 2mnths to go. Now they have decided on radiotherpy after the chemo. He is feeling so tired and cold, so is having blood transfusion on Monday. I just want the world to know I Love this man [My Bobbie] so very very much. How life can change in an instant, life is so so precious. I treasure every moment.

My Darling Bobbie

2009-05-19T02:27:55Z

What a scare we had last week, my Bobbie ended up back in hospital, was so unwell, I felt hopeless yet again that you have no control. One day good news, then the next in hospital. Sat in A & E for an hour before being seen, do not know what this piece of paper they call a passport is. They say it is supposed to get you seen quicker because of being on chemo, but does not mean a thing. I don't mean to moan because I know there are many people in a&e needing to be seen, but when its your loved one sitting there shaking, burning up and just feels like collapsing, you go into fight mode [well I do]. There is my adorable man who used to be the strong one protecting me and now the roles have reversed. It was as if it were one of my children sitting there so helpless, you just want them to sort it out as quickly as possible. Well eventually things did get sorted and he was diagnosed with a viral infection but is now back on the mend and home. So lovely to have my darling Bobbie back and in our warm and loving enviroment. His eyes are getting their sparkle back again and he is laughing and making everyone around him laugh, just like he always used to. He says I have to chill and relax and not let things wind me up so much, thats my Bobbie so laid back, wish I could be. In the last 6mnths feel like I have aged 10yrs and look like I have also, never mind as long as I have My Darling Bobbie by my side thats all that matters to me. Love him so much.

One step forward and three backwards.

2009-05-14T02:30:58Z

Firstly I would just like to take the time to thank all you kind people who answered my blog. There are so many kind people out there. We have had wonderful news that my husband Bob's scan results came back clear he was so frightened and all of us, his family, were also. It was great news after all the worrying again and wanting to scream and scream. Anyway we all felt on top of the world for a day and now, bang, he has become so unwell just 24hrs later and has been admitted to hospital and they have said they will know more in the morning. We stayed with him until midnight and then they said we must go, didn't want to leave him. He looked so relieved when they told him the scan results and now he looks so unwell again. Wish I could swap places with him and take away his sadness and pain. Hopefully he will be feeling a little better when we go back up there this morning. I feel as though I go one step forward and then two or three back, which I am sure many of you feel like. Anyway once again thank you, thank you for being here and hopefully I can be here for some of you. Take care all of you, Duchess.

Feel like screaming

2009-05-06T11:35:24Z

I feel like running to the top of a hill and just screaming. Everything seem to be going well, husband got through operation and then seemed to be coping well with chemo, just feeling very very tired and a little sick, but nothing to how it can affect some people and feel that he is very lucky. Now has symptoms back the same as he had before diagnosed and he seems to be going back down, has had scan and gets results on 12th May, but husband is thinking the worst and I am trying to tell him not to worry, everything will be fine. I don't know whats come over me but just feel like yelling and screaming for someone to take all the hurt away, especially the hurt and sadness I see in my husbands eyes and all of our children. Their Dad is their hero, and mine, always there for anybody and can solve anything, but right at this moment in time we all feel so helpless for him. He tries so hard, in his head he wants to do things, but body will not let him. I now dread what will be said on Tuesday, I have tried to be positive all the way through, since op, but now feel as though everything is catching up with me and I am also feeling very frightened. Sorry to waffle on so much, I know that out there, there are an awful lot more people in worse positions than myself , but I really feel lost and do not know the next best thing to do to show a more positive atitude to all my family and asure them that everything will be ok. Duchess.

Starting 2nd batch chemo

2009-04-15T05:27:39Z

Hi everbody, My husband is starting his 2nd batch of chemo this Friday, first lot didn't go too bad at all, we were dreading it, my husband was so frightened and did'nt know what to expect but feels a little better this time,facing it with a bit more positivity. He has to have it once a wk for 3 wks then gets wk off, has this for the next 6 mnths, luckily he only is experiencing extreme tiredness and feeling sick every now and then, but seems to be coping well. Just hoping the next lot will be the same. Does anyone know whether you experience the same feelings each time or does it vary. Hope everyone had a lovely Easter.

Feeling very alone

2009-02-12T01:17:34Z

I feel so alone at the moment, although I know I have my family and friends right there supporting me I feel that I should be the one with all answers, especially for the children. Everything seemed great, husband home he seemed fine at first but since he has been told he has to have chemo has gone back down hill and very negative about everything. Lost his appetite, just after seeming to be getting it back, looks very pale and tired, I can't wait to see that sparkle back in his eyes again. I feel helpless and hopeless that me, his wife, cannot make him feel better. I shall keep on trying though, will not give up.

Home at last

2009-02-06T05:06:34Z

My husband Bob is home at last [been home for about 2 wks now] and seems to be settling in. So wonderful for myself and the family to have him home, no more travelling 2hrs a day there and back and having to leave him in the evenings. Mind you we would have travelled to the end of the earth and back again for him. He is starting to feel very fed up now though, his mind tells him he wants to do things but his body will not let him. Try to tell him its only been 4wks since op and its going to take time but he is getting frustrated some days. Never mind though it just so lovely to have him here at home with us. I know its going to take time but just got to convince him. I have all the time in the world for my darling husband.