The Demise of Roland Ratso: Chapter twenty nine

I stood at the sink doing the washing up when it all “came away” without warning. I shouted Irene because I just didn’t know what to do. Bollocks! I drop my pyjama bottoms and shuffle my way to the downstairs toilet to finish off. Top Gear was on the telly on Dave in the kitchen. It must have been Clarkson who gave me the shits or maybe washing the dishes! Result! The cunning plan worked. No more dishwashing AND I got out of going to the market but I am bloody upset. I know it’s only shit but I have left a pile on the kitchen floor, my sodden pyjama bottoms in the downstairs toilet and am now ripping the very fabric of my backside out with straining. Three times I get in the shower and three times I abort only to go back on the pan. Finally I get there and clean myself up. Hey ho – look on the bright side. I missed my slippers! I have now taken to biting on my toothbrush because I haven’t got any bullets! I feel sorry for Irene. Today was going to be an excursion to Bingham market to buy some veggies to go with the braising steak I bought yesterday. Now it looks like she is shovelling shit! It gets to 9.00pm and I ask her if she wants to go to the club for a drink. “No” she says “You aren’t well enough.” I think she fears another accident. I’m OK I tell her and she is ready in minutes so I take the car and drink diet coke while I watch everyone else pouring pints of units down their neck. The usual suspects are in the club. The badminton players who come in to quench their hard earned thirst. Some refuges from the Welfare Ladies’ section and this week we are not sitting in “their” seat. There are about one hundred seats in the lounge and about thirty are taken up but woe betide anyone who sits in “their” seat. I am really enjoying my diet coke! Friday 13th – unlucky for some. Maybe. I have got an appointment for an MRI scan (pelvis) and a full CT scan on Thursday 19th March. Nice to know they are still making sure I have no secondaries developing. Got a blood test on Wednesday as well. So much for my week off. They said that I could have it done at my GP but I think I will go to hospital instead. At least my bodily fluids can wander around the hospital instead of between my GP practise and who knows where. Better safe than sorry and they won’t prescribe my next chemo without a blood test. The derriere is still causing me problems. I had a really strange dream where I had to inform my father’s mother that he had died. She died years before he did, in fact before I was born but what was strange was when I was cleaning out his stuff I found a tube of nupercainal which is an analgesic pile ointment that he used to use. I had thought about getting some before but the dream made me go tour local chemist who unfortunately doesn’t stock it. Strange how the subconscious works. In the chemist was an old friend who was initially diagnosed with some tumours in her liver. After treatment she was told she was in remission but then she had a subsequent diagnosis. They took away her stomach and she then got MRSA and had a leaking joint. She was too weak for a repair and the last time I saw her I didn’t think she would make it. She had just had her hair done and she looked a million dollars. Really really pleased for her.