Struggling to return to pre- cancer life

2011-04-03T06:09:49Z

For 8 months I have been on the cancer rollercoaster. I stepped down from my position as store manager into a sales role to concerntrate on the battle I appeared to have ahead of me. It showed in my bloods and I had all the symptoms of a rare one - lucky me - I was told WHERE is the tumour - not IF there is a tumour.

After a rigourous round of various tests including specially funded overseas ones - there was nothing found. Now oncologists are excited that by continouing to monitor me, they may be the first in the world to watch this rare type actually grow. From now on it is hopefully as simple as MRI and bloods every six months - and as soon as it appears - chop the nasty out - done.

At first I was surprisingly angry - I had prepped myself mentally for a battle with a big nasty - and it up and miraculously disappeared on me - I was to say the least a little bewildered and very pissed at 8 months of hell for apparantly no reason. Thanks to my friends on chat- I learnt to accept if for the good news it was and stop focusing on the journey

The problem now is that since it seems to be all over (for now) I should be returning to my pre-cancer life - but I am struggling with the decision. Work has already approached me about stepping up again - why am I so unsure??? Cancer is a huge priorotiser - Part of me wants to get back to normal - however I am different emotionally now - and Normal for me, is different now.

I know in the grand scheme of things - this is an unimportant decision compared to those others are facing regarding treatments etc - but its part of the rollercoaster I had not anticipated, and I would appreciate any comments.

Cancer and the Quake

2011-02-24T21:02:56Z

I live in New Zealand - 3 days ago Christchurch was rocked by a terrible earthquake - currently there are 103 dead - over 200 missing and over 120 in serious condition in hospital. It is surreal.

Amazing really how things in life affect you. Amazing really how your thoughts wander at a time like this.

I am facing cancer - and very scared - but suddenly I am really grateful that whatever the news from my next tests are - I have time. Time to come to terms with this - no matter how hard - time to get my affairs in order - time (if it comes to that) to say goodbye.

As I watch the continuing news bulletins I have the exact same feelings of waiting for test results when the signs are bad - It is excruiatingly hard - necessary but hard - Time is going too slow - things can seem so futile!

The rescuers - just like the doctors are doing the absolute best they can - it is frustrating and sometimes they are the ones that we vent our anger on - and when waiting for answers, it is never good or fast enough. They are human and wish us no ill - sometimes they have no choice but to be the bearer of bad news.

I can only hope that as things progress for me that I can hang on to this feeling that no matter how bad things are for me - there is also someone worse off than me.

Dealing with it all

Struggling to return to pre- cancer life

Cancer and the Quake