ddeedee's blog

Oh no, I'm back

2011-05-30T22:33:24Z

I really love this place but generally it's difficult for me to talk about myself.

Everything is so difficult for me lately. I know, people expect us to smile and say everything is great. But what if it's not? This past month I've been coughing a lot!! The coughing during the day is tolerable and not so bad. But then as it gets to about 7-8 pm the coughing gets difficult. When this happens I practically glue myself to the sofa so that my back will have some support. However my neck and chest are very painful by the time I can relieve the coughing late at night. So can you blame me for waking up late to work today (9:15 am!!!)

My treatment now consists of chemo. The name of the chemo is treaky so I won't even try to write it down. It's a weekly joy. I do it just before the weekend starts so that I have all the weekend to sleep or lay weak in bed and then another long week begins in a full time job that pays not enough, in almost bankrupt company. I have no challenge at work, no difficult assignments but to stay awake until the end of the work day. I would have gone job hunting only that I don't have the time or energy to do this.

This weekend I was reminded that I'm still a young woman. I had a slight period. It freaked me because I haven't had one for more than 3 years due to the anti hormonal treatment I received when the cancer was first diagnosed. And from what I understood estrogen is my worst enemy and so no more periods for me. Just to be sure I went to the E.R. to get checked by a gynocoligt who confirmed it. He said that I'm still fertile - slightly. So.... estrogen is back. And I'm wondering if it's still bad for me. I have all these questions - estrogen good/bad? coughing side effect of chemo or new m___ (I can't even write it). So I called the onc's secretary yesterday to change the appointment and today she said it'll be in 2 weeks (originally it was in a month). Oh well. At least it's earlier.

Good night all you beautiful souls who are reading my post. It make me feel better to know that someone will read this.

a whole lot meds for fighting little cancer

2010-04-09T19:32:05Z

hi everybody,

I haven't been here for ages.

Just a small update about myself. After almost 2 years with Tamoxifen which is the only anti hormonal medicine for women my age(that and shots or surgery to put the ovaries to sleep), and after trying for a short time a med for post menopausal women, doc said it's about time to move on to chemo. Even though I knew it was the only option, I was so scared when he said it out loud. So now, about 5 weeks after I started the new treatment of chemo(pills)+biological(IV), I am still overwhelmed. I still get the Zometa (iv for bones) and the shots to keep my ovaries sleeping. Even though I'm so grateful for this super cancer fight treatment, I'm sooooo tired of it all. I get the Zometa once every 4 weeks, the Decapeptyl shots once every 3 months, the Avastin(biological) every 3 weeks and the oncologist appointment every 6 weeks. But it turned out that next week I get all of them at once and by Thursday I start out witht the next cycle of Xeloda (4 pills in the morning and 4 in the evening). It's just too much. Three times next week to see the hospital is more than enough.

After 2 years of treatment in that hospital I can't see that place anymore. I get angry and fraustrated every time I get inside the hospital. And just before the move to chemo, I got radiation for my back so I needed to see the hospital every day for almost 3 weeks. I am so tired physically and emotionally, and there I have mood swings that change by the second. Also I don't think before I speak or decide something, I make foolish choices that get me in trouble at work and with friends and family. I don't know if it's because of stress or change in hormones because I stoped with the anti hormone treatment.

After all I've been through, the pain, the broken bone in my back, the surgery for the back, the surgery for the breast, stopping my fertility abruptly, the chemo, the terrible news that I can't be cured of cancer, after all that I've been through and done it on my own and kept strong, now I feel so weak and tired, and fraustrated.

so how are you? and how's your cancer doing?

2009-05-05T08:19:56Z

It's been happening to me a lot that ever since I was diagnosed with cancer, people just seem to know exactly what my physical status is. For example a few days ago, my best friend's ex-bf contacted me on the msn messenger, to ask me how am I doing. My best friend has fibromyalgia and after much consideration he decided that he can't marry her because he's scared of taking care of her for the rest of their lives, so he broke up with her 2 months ago and since then I haven't seen him or heard from him. So anyways, I answered "fine, how are you?". So he kept on asking, "no how are you really?" I answered everything's ok. And then I finally understood what he was really asking 'how's your cancer doing?' So I went into detail : bone scan came out very good, it showed that the treatment is working out for me, there were less tumors and some decrease in size, and then there's the blood test which showed some increase in one of the markers - ca-125 which I don't know if it's significant I have to ask the onc. And it was so weird for me that he really wanted to know all these details, that I am actually fed up with keeping track of them. Also, a month ago at the holiday (passover which is around easter), my ex-bf called to say happy holidays and.... how am I doing, and then asking again so I gave him the full info about test results etc. etc. He broke up with me in a horrible way last November. We had an argument and then he disappeared, he wouldn't call, he didn't answer my phone calls for 2 weeks until I sent him a text urging him to tell me what he wants to do from here on. He finally called and it took some time and lots of nervous pauses for him to tell me it was over. We dated for 10 months and we knew each other for years. And then he calls me to ask how I'm doing and how's the cancer doing. I guess I wouldn't mind going over my physical status with people who genuinely care for me and are there for me at good times as well as bad times. I really don't know why I even care. I think I'll erase this post later, it doesn't make much sense.

Be nice to me, I have cancer

2009-04-27T10:56:15Z

Hi, This my first post here so let's see how it goes. I'm an Israeli living with metastatic breast cancer with lots and lots of mets to the bones. I've started treatment 15 months ago and things are going fine. Within this time I learned how to talk about my cancer without crying about it especially when people ask "When are you supposed to finish treatment?" - Never "Never? So You're going to keep doing it for years and years? How long does your onc give you?" - Statistically when there's mets, patients can live up to 10 years. "Oh I'm so sorry for you." It doesn't really get easier to talk about it, I just don't have any more tears so spare on that subject. I can understand how some people want to know all the details about my illness, as I am a curious person myself. However, I can't understand those people who treat me differently after they find out I have cancer. For example, last week I was in some alternative clinic, in order to find something to relieve the pain in the joints( shoulders, neck,...) and I needed to be examined by a doctor before going in to the acupuncturist (standard procedure). The doc was late, so I finally knocked on the door and when received no answer I came in. I found her there with a patient and immediately closed the door. When the doctor finally was ready to see me, she was angry at me for opening the door and of course I mentioned her being rude for not seeing me on time(I get rude when I'm in so much pain). Anyways, she started asking questions regarding my physical status and I told her about breast cancer and mets and pain all over from the cancer and from the treatment. All of a sudden this woman started being nice to me, she said sorry for being angry at me, and became compassionate all of a sudden. The change was so huge, I couldn't believe it. This was the fastest change of attitude I got, but there were other people in my life who have become nicer to me because they learned of my "situation". My big brother who was never a friend of mine has become my friend. When we were children we used to fight, he would hit, I'd try to bite and scratch him and that was how we were. When we grew up it didn't get any better, we just didn't have any relationship, and met only on family dinners on holidays. And now... I get a phone call from him once in a while, and when I meet him on those family dinners he asks how am I doing, how do I feel. It sounds like very small gestures, but for us, it's huge. I don't know how I feel about this. I appreciate it that some people have compassion for my situation, but I'd rather people will like me because of who I am and not because I was very unfortunate to be misdiagnosed and therefore forced to live with cancer for the rest of my life.