Daisybun

Tummy in rebellion

2011-09-19T07:44:48Z

Ok have my wonderful appointment at the 'One stop gynae diagnostic clinic' - sounds like some sort of supermarket.

Can not face breakfast and tummy has decided that it would like to empty - at least they should get a better look this time then lol!!

I did sleep last night so that was a plus - do not look quite so awful/bride of frankenstein like.

Will update later

The next few days

2011-09-16T19:38:11Z

Hi all - time for the next installment of the waiting game.

Worked at home today - able to do quite a bit considering. Had a day of training yesterday which was great as I spent the day focusing on something else.

Wow I am becoming a domestic goddess - what do you do when you need to take mind off the 'what ifs...'. Change beds; tidy up, clean house; sort out washing; make yogurt; shop online - oops that should not sneak in there!

I have two more days before I go to see the nice man at the hospital who will either say - ah DB don't worry it is your age - we'll whip it all out and then you will be happy as a sand boy - what is a sand boy? Or he will say ah we need to do more tests as we can't be sure whether it is or it isn't. Then I shall play the waiting game again. Or he will say - well looks like it is - and at least i will know i suppose and continue to play the waiting game.

Thanks to everyone on here who is making this journey much easier to bear - never thought I would still be 'sane' (poetic license) after being told a couple of weeks ago about the possibility. I am still able to amile thanks to you lovely people. xx

Professional head on

2011-09-14T16:03:50Z

Yesterday was not such a good day. Since the GP said it might be cancer last week - first day of new term I have been office based. I could hide behind my desk, not talk with anyone, look at computer and have headphones on to block out thoughts.

Yesterday I had to 'go out into the world'. Get out of the car and say 'Right put professional head on'. Do the job, focus... First appt not too bad although feels a bit of a fog at first and names of pupils I would normally recall are a little slower in returning. Have to put in further dates to see pupils and do some training - but will I be available? Don't think that way!

Next school. professional hat on but it is slipping a bit as i know the senco really well and she can tell i am not myself - I usually bounce in like a whirlwind - my schools think i am a bit of a nutter considering I am an 'adviser' lol. I think the taste in rather brightly coloured tights and nail varnish have helped create this persona. However, I have a rather sombre appearance in grey today - though the nails are grey too!

Today - let loose again but a bit more able to keep professional hat on. In fact this afternoon felt almost normal. Focus on other people - make sure the children are supported. Do my job. I love my job.

Came home to find a package had arrived with a rather cute cuddly bunny. I have two house buns - they are very good but being cuddled is not their thing - moulting everywhere they get an A; chewing my furniture and walls A* - making a mess in their house and mine A** so a cuddly bunny that is not going to protest has cheered me up no end - it has also given my other two a bit of a break from mummy cuddles.

Anyway enough of a ramble. I hope I can keep professional head on for rest of week and next.

Tiredness

2011-09-12T23:18:06Z

Never knew that worrying could be so exhausting. Wow it is wearing me out!!!

I think I will now write it as my occupation as I seem to spend the majority of my time doing it. i don't get paid to do it - this is all for free. No bonus or overtime even though i do it outside mormal office hours - this is not just 9-5 woryying you know this is 24/7 - boy am i committed - and probably will be.

I may even go for another degree in worrying - i could write essays on it a dissertation even.

What difference does it make or will it make? None.

Is it robbing me of the life I have now? Yes.

So what shall I do?

Option 1: take up a hobby - skydiving - now that it something to worry about.

Option 2: hibernate - can't worry if you are asleep

Option 3: cheer up and get on with it - think happy thoughts - Wendy i can fly ...

Further options considered - answers on a postcard or alternatively a post lol xx

Hoping

2011-09-11T17:49:55Z

I carried on as normal today. I went out with friends and did what I had to do.

I don't have a diagnosis. I don't know what is wrong. All I have been told is my symptoms could possibly indicate cancer. Do they realise just what they are saying when they use that word? They could also be a number of other conditions that are less 'serious' but my mind does not dare hope for fear of having them dashed.

I want to run away. I want to hide but know that I can't. I have another week to get through.

Friends said I was quiet today - that is unusual for me normally can't shut me up. I am usually the nutter, the 'naughty' one who makes stupid jokes.

Right pull myself together. Hold on to hope.

Limbo anyone?

2011-09-09T18:59:29Z

I have not had a bad day. In fact i have felt quite normal at times. I am trying to stay positive.

However, there are times in the day when I just feel alone. Even in a room full of people and family - I am in my own world - I have to deal with this and my thoughts.

I think the gap between being told there might be a problem and when you go to see someone seems like forever. This is a kind of limbo - not that I intend on doing the limbo - I am not that flexible anymore!

So I stay here in limbo land - listen to the drums and think how low can you go?

The roller coaster

2011-09-09T07:35:48Z

I used to love fair ground rides - then i got vertigo and they made me feel sick.

I feel a bit like I'm on a roller coaster ride now. One minute I think - 'Yep I can deal with this. It is early days, it may not be anything serious' I carry on positively. The next minute I think 'OMG how am I going to cope what if ...' and the mind races off into areas that really are not good! It is such a weird feeling.

On the plus side my appetite has gone - having put on a little weight over the summer I have now lost some - not eating and anxiety will do that for a person.

Anyway - off to work - onwards and upwards I hope everyone is having a good day today xx

On a lighter note

2011-09-08T17:36:29Z

Ok so my first blog was rather negative. Apologies for the rants of an unstable woman who is trying to deal with the possibility that she has cancer.

I never realised how your life can change so drastically with the mention of one word. Although I should as my dad died of lung cancer and my mum had breast cancer last year - but she is fine and all clear now.

I have gotten through the day by listening to radio 4 - never ever listened to it before - I was always a Radio 1 girl in my youth - (I'll never listen to anything else) but of course radio 2 is now the new Radio 1 for me. However, I have found that radio 4 with all the talk helps to block out the constant thoughts in my head. Am I getting middle-aged?

Unreality

2011-09-08T07:57:22Z

Ok so never blogged before but feel I need to unload and get the feelings out there and out of my head.

Do you feel like you are going mad? I look around at people and life and think - I was normal a few weeks ago now I feel like I am in a fog!

The waiting and not knowing what the outcome will be is just so wearing. I find myself in all kinds of scenarios.

I am still waiting for further tests and have no diagnosis.

I would like to write an upbeat blog at some stage - but today I just feel crap and need to vent - apologies to all and hopefully will be more positive next time.