Dad, cancer and me

Grandad too

2011-01-25T18:56:36Z

As if it wasn't bad enough losing Dad before Christmas and trying to come to terms with everthing a life with him no longer there entails, I get kicked in the guts again by my grandad's death less than 2 months afterwards - he had prostate cancer.

Fed up of illness, and funerals, I'm still young, I shouldn't be dealing with all this crap yet.

1st Xmas

2010-12-29T14:47:24Z

Well, we survived the first Christmas without Dad, it felt weird and I definitely didn't feel in the Christmas spirit at all. I would much rather have hibernated until the New Year when all the hype and fuss was over.

Mum had a little wobble on Christmas Day but I think she is finally letting a bit out. She admits herself that she was never allowed to show her feelings, she puts it down to old stiff upper lip parents and boarding school. Personally, I would explode if I couldn't express myself.

My best friend lost her Mum just before Christmas 2009, so she knows exactly what I'm going through, i don't need to explain anything to her, she just gets it.

I just hope 2011 will be calmer and happier.

Day by day

2010-11-28T12:50:57Z

We had Dad's funeral on friday, don't know how I got through it, especially as I did a reading. I think we gave Dad a good send off. It felt so final.

We've had so many lovely cards. People were given the choice of either sending flowers or donations to cancer charity. We had lots of flowers but I think we'll be surprised at how much the total of donations will be through the funeral directors.

Mum asked Dad before he died, to prove he was ok. She asked him to send her a white feather in a certain place. 3 days after he died there was a feather in EXACTLY the place that mum had asked for one.

Christmas is the next one to get over! I really don't feel like it at the moment.

The sort of end

2010-11-20T15:49:16Z

Dad died at home on Monday 15th November. He went quietly in his sleep - so like Dad 2 not make a fuss and try to make it easier for Mum!

We've made all the arrangements for the funeral next week and I went to see him today in the Chapel of Rest, he looked so peaceful.

I think it was such a release that he went now before the cancer started to show some really nasty effects. He had been feeling tired and began saying that it was all an effort but he only had some pain on the morning of the day he died.

Thanks to all those people I have spoken to on here that have offered kind words, an empathetic nod knowing just what we've been going through and for trying to help answer any questions I or Mum may have had.

I have a feeling I'm going to be on here more now than before to try and make sense of it all.

Bye for now, Ashley

OMG!

2010-09-12T11:34:39Z

Just when I was coming to terms with Dad's situation I get the news that my birth mother's cancer has come back, (hopefully caught it early).

BUT I MEAN, seriously,

How much is 1 person seriously expected 2 deal with b4 they go under? Even elastic bands can only stretch so far b4 they snap.

ARRGGGHHHH!!!!!

middle pt 2!

2010-08-20T14:19:35Z

Lots happening this week. Dad was taken into hopsital on sunday and had 2 transfusions to 'boost him up' on Monday (Mum's b'day). We got him home in the evening but he looked no better! He was beginning to perk up by wednesday and saw the gp to get ball rolling regarding hospice introduction.

I can totally understand why he doesn't want to think of it at the moment but he needs to realise they can help in the interim, not solely at the end, it would help mum catch some hours here and there too. I don't deny that hearing his cancer being termed as terminal wouldn't mess with anyone's head but at least he's not alone, he has a wife of just over 50 years and 2 grown up children not to mention friends, he's got support.

Mum and Dad saw the oncologist last night (thursday) and he wants Dad to have another transfusion! What is going on with Dad's blood? Is he becoming a watering can and leaking? Where is it going?

the middle!

2010-08-14T14:52:20Z

Well after a fairly good run of being stable, Dad had a blip yesterday, Mum said his blood pressure dropped and he was complaining of being even more tired. The GP has upped his iron dose and he will have tests next week before seeing the specialist. The last time this happened he had a stomach bleed and was hospitalised. Timing as ever impeccable Dad, with Mum's birthday on Monday!

I had hoped that the situation would encourage Dad to come out of his permanent cave but we are no more the wiser as to what he thinks and how he feels, he's not letting us close - Arrrggghhh!!

The beginning

2010-08-04T08:01:42Z

So here I am, catching up to the sort of technical stuff most people take for granted, personally I'm much happier with pen and paper but there you go!

When Dad was diagnosed with cancer in his right lung and duodenum just before Easter this year I went into shock. He had been ill with various things for years, sadly most of it as a result of self infliction, but the reality was that this was now something a short stay in hospital or some pills couldn't solve.

Mum had had cancer when I was 19 and because it was caught early, she had the op to remove the tumour in her bowel and didn't need any further treatment. She had follow up checks but 16 years on, she is physically fine. So when Dad was told he had it, I thought, ok, so he'll have an op, then maybe some treatment and we can move on, right?

Wrong, surgery was not an option, radiotherapy not an option, so what could they do? By the time they got round to discussing options, the tumour in his lung that was supposedly non-aggressive, had doubled in size and had spread via the lymph system to his live where there was another tumour growing. At 79, he was told that if he wanted to, they could give him a course of chemotherapy but there were no guarantees. Otherwise without anything, he had months. WHAT? Are you kidding me?

To say that since then I have already run the whole gauntlet of emotions is an understatement - fear, anger, frustration, despair... you name it! I had an astrological birth chart done years ago as a present from a friend. Part of it said that I've got naturally heightened senses and emotions, when I feel something I FEEL it, no kidding, OMG!! In a way, it helps, I couldn't bottle things up if I tried, very un stiff upper lip.

Friends have been quick to say 'If there is anything I can do..' lovely, don't misunderstand me, I really appreciate it, but the thing is, what can they do? What can I do? I can't magic the cancer away, hey if we could do that then no-one would ever lose a loved one right? I'm not a doctor or surgeon, so I can't treat him, so I just have to rack my brains as to how I can help. It's the worst example of a watch this space/waiting game I know and it doesn't look like ending soon!