coralh

thursday

2011-05-25T20:02:27Z

no different from Monday, Saturday, etc. I am so fed up of being so sad. I am trying everything that the text books say to do. at the end of the day tho I am still on my own with no-one to talk to. i write to you in my book every day. why? you are not here to read it. i want peace and i want to think of you with a smile on my face but right now i am so angry with myself for not doing something to change how i am feeling. its like trying to pick up a house. impossible...i have been sat in a park in the car crying today wanting so much to have you here, tell me to snap out of it, hug me, tell me you love me...all of these things and more...aaaargh. why am i so stupid..!!!

is it just today. is it just this week. i really hope so, this time of year so reminds me of you. lawn mowers, tractors, golfers, football awards...and on and on. Life is just so unfair.

thats it now. had my rant. cup of tea is needed. wish i were asleep. wont be long. love you honey. love you lots. xxxxx

june 2010

2010-06-14T22:22:04Z

Hi hun, been watching the world cup for you...must keep in touch for the boys so that I can talk to them about it. That was always your pleasure. I am so upset today again. I try so hard tokeep a brave face for everyone. I miss you so damn much. I miss your strong arms around me. I miss you saying that you love me. I cant see the keys on here to type for crying..hope you are ahppy if you are any where...I have such a huge pain in my heart for you that I sometimes cant bear it. I wonder if I can carry on some days. then i have an ok day and feel so bad about that too. I love you so much. How can i be strong for our kids when I feel so utterly helpless. without you. I am going out when I can to try and get on, I still have to come back to our bed on my own...missing you. I wish Christopher was better. I am so fed up of his behaviour, the dr cant do much more. I think he misses you too but wont tell me. I will get on with life,,,dont have a choice but could just so easily go to sleep and never wake up..that would be so easy. Life is hard but I will get by. good night darling, sleep tight. wish I could see you in the morning.........xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

10 months

2010-05-03T21:38:20Z

I am so sad today. 10 months on today. How can I have lived thro the last 10 months? It all seems so unreal. What is happening? I miss you so much. Almost everything that I have heard or seen today, has reminded me of you. It is hurting so much today. i will be glad to get back to work tomorrow and fill my mind with rubbish so that I wont have to think so much,,,,,,I love you, honey. Our future has been taken away from us. What am I going to do?

Will see you again one day. Lots of love always ..........xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

March

2010-03-28T21:29:07Z

Honey, I am missing you as always. I havebeen thinking of you so much lately, especially as it was your birthday. I have started to sort thro some of your clothes. This was so hard. You are disappearing from so much of my life. You are no longer on the bills, on the car insurance, telephone listing, etc. I really dont want to forget you. I am so scared that I will forget what you look like, what you smell like, how your eyes twinkled when you were enjoying yourself. I miss your strong arms around me. I miss your steadiness and comforting words. I miss you breathing in bed at night. I miss YOU. It is getting better but that frightens me too. Wish I was with you right now my darling. Goodnight John. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

sundays

2009-11-22T15:31:00Z

I hate that you are not here to share these long nights. The gardens are underway are taking shape. Your shed is gone, honey. I am sorry but it was too big for me. I have a smaller one now. Our Clare and Chris are having another girl....a sister for Lana. You would adore Lana, John. She is so cute and would cover you in kisses.

I would give anything to be able to hug you and for you to hug me back. I miss you so much, it still hurts. I hope wherever you are that you know that I love you and am trying so hard to make you proud of me. Be proud of our lovely kids, I am, they are being so brave.

Love you.xxx

missing you.

2009-11-05T22:49:32Z

Hello my darling husband. I dont think I believe in the afterlife but just in case, I hope you can hear me. It will be 18 wks on Saturday since you had to go. It is so hard and I just cant see it getting any easier. There is just this empty space next to me everywhere I go. When I am work, and the phone rings, for a split second, I think that it may be you ringing in like you did. It is all so painful. I really dont know if I can go on without...how stupid though because I have to. Christopher needs me. He misses you too. I will try to make his birthday special. Then there's Theres's birthday- you bet her you would be here for her 60th. Then there's Xmas......I know everyone says little steps, one day at a time, but how do you stop your mind from racing away? You were always there for me...who will hug me now and tell me everything will be ok? I know I just should stop this but how? How? I really miss you...I love you now as much as I ever did. How is life fair?Why do so many people love the ones they love? There are so many people who are alive who dont deserve to. There is no God. Going to bed now as I need to be up in the morning for Christopher.Wont sleep but at least I will be resting. I love you honey......speak to you soon xxxxxxxxxxx