Birthdays, Death days, poems and more.

2024-01-23T19:09:02Z

Today is my birthday, last year I spent it in hospital and the year before that it was only a couple of days before it that we found out I was pregnant, so to be honest today has been extremely odd to just be able to be me...a "normal birthday" so to say, no wires on my fingers, no drips in my arms, no panic attacks over a surprised positive sign on a stick after thinking you couldn't have children... It's been lovely but odd.

Ironically however on the first anniversary of my surgery date to remove my kidney and the tumor in it last Friday I had trauma therapy which is as you can guess mainly for the traumatic birth and Cancer, which if you can't laugh about these things I doubt you can really carry on... (Or at least that how I cope now a days.)

the next thing on the "List" of to do this week however is going up to my partner's family to spend the first anniversary of the passing of his Auntie, as last year she passed away from her cancer, so I suppose you can say its a rather been a busy week for first anniversaries sadly.

In my trauma sessions I'm encouraged to use any methods I feel I can to let my thoughts and feelings out, I've always been creative and so my therapist has suggested to do it in ways of drawings, stories and poems.

he said to put them up here that it may help.

Before I do though I have a question that I really need some advice on, because part of me feels like a terrible person feeling how I do.

When we stay at my partner's family we end up staying at his grandparents, don't get me wrong his grandparents are absolutely lovely, they adore our son and love having us over to spend time with our son and us, I think in there large home they find it a bit lonely, but they are the grandparents that have lost their daughter to cancer, the room in which we stay (And have always stayed in for the past 4 years or so.) was the room that in the last of her days before she moved to the hospsis for the last week of so of her palliative care. This is the room that she was in the last time we saw her, the room we said our goodbyes to her in.

When we stay there the room is full of her pictures (Which I completely understand please don't get me wrong.) But I always just get so many emotions filling me us when we stay with them so many memories come flooding back and I can't say anything, so much guilt that she's gone, I feel like I want to burst out into tears, burst out with a never ending river of apologizes to her parents, a full on internal panic attack the closer we get to the room when we first enter it and the first night we stay there and I feel so guilty like a monster for all these emotions, like I shouldn't have any emotions at all and be normal like other people

The last time I was there I couldn't stop these words in my mind from rattling round my head, even when I came home they continued to stay yelling away in my brain, getting louder and louder, until I couldn't take it anymore and I had to write them down. it was barely a sentence, but when I put it down they began to flow and came together and this is what it formed....

It was my time to go.

even though we did not know, it was my time to go.

It took both you and I both by surprise I know, but it was my time to go.

I know we thought we had more time but sadly we did not, but please remember this,

that now I'm not in pain,

and though I may not be next to you if your memories are fond or not,

kept alive and bright I shall be by your side

, forever and a day.

Thank you for everything we did.

memories good and bad.

So, wipe your tears away,

it was my time to go.

I know we didn't think it would come so quickly but there was nothing we could do.

But I will be there, in your memories, when you talk of me.

When you raise a glass at new year and in your heart I'll stay forever and a day, right by your side.

For even though you may not see me,

even though it may of been my time, I am still right beside you,

as you were beside mine.

I'll be surprised if anyone reads any of this, but if you do I'm both sorry for bothering you with my ramblings and thankful for you getting this far to the end.

I am so sorry for any spelling mistakes or grammar issues (Dyslexia is a great issue for me.)

p.s have yourself a nice cookie or three after reading all this mindless goboldy-gook if you did.

Ever so and always.

Confused and Conflicted

The beginning and the end.

2024-01-17T20:12:52Z

Before I write anything else I just want to say I don't really know if anyone will read this, which is okay because it may not make much sense. But I really just wanted to find a place to put my thoughts and feelings in a safe hopefully understan...(read more)

Confused and conflicted

Birthdays, Death days, poems and more.

The beginning and the end.