Cherryl and Peter's blog

Have signed in without crying!

2011-02-04T22:59:41Z

Hi Everyone, all too numerous to mention, but will get around to speaking to you soon. I cannot tell you how many times I have tried to come on here.

As with anyone who has lost someone so very dear to them, whether it be a child, partner, parent, sibbling or friend....time is essential in order for us to start getting a grip on life again. There is so much to sort out, whether it be bills, banks, employment, pensions, clothes.....the list is endless. My journey since Peter died in March is no different.

I would just like to share with you how I am coping in my own little way. Again, like most of us I have a good set of family, friends and neighbours who have helped in my grief. One particular friend, a photographer who took our wedding photos 41 years ago and our daughter's 20 years ago, phoned several times, after Peter's funeral, offering help and very gentle advice. He was concerned that because I was keeping busy with my kitchen project I was not going out. I said I was too busy. He pointed out that when I finished this project it would be winter and then another excuse for not socialising.

One day he said he was putting on a dinner with some friends and would very much like me to join them. He asked if I would make a desert. Anyway, after a lot of persuasion I went. I cannot tell you how many times that day I wanted to phone and make an excuse for not going but because they were reliant on my sweet I couldn't really let them down. I now know this was their plan to make me go. That evening I met a lot of very nice new friends and enjoyed the evening.

It was then suggested that because Peter and I had enjoyed live music maybe I would care to join them and visit their Jazz club as they were musicians. My daughters persuaded me also that this would be a good idea and so I went....... I have never looked back since. I find music so uplifting. I can now go down to the club on my own because I know so many people there and can always find someone to sit with. I know that Jazz is not for everyone but we also go to classical concerts, choirs etc.

Don't get me wrong, life is not a blast anymore, how can it be, having lost my soul mate but I just knew I shouldn't sit in the house feeling sorry for myself and if I keep saying 'no thank you' to people's invitations then I would not be asked again.

Since then, things have gone from the sublime to the ridiculous, not only have I got my bus pass this year but......wait for it....... my very own drum kit!! I am now having lessons and actually was on stage and played last week. My family do think I have lost the plot somewhat now but I am enjoying the whole new experience. I am sure Peter is laughing down at me and saying 'Go for it girl' cos it is something he always wanted to do himself.

Another bit of advice our old friend has given me is, always smile or speak to people when you are out, don't expect people to come to you. I took this on board and have had some amazing conversations with people on the bus, in the Cafe or in a shop. So, whenever I feel down I will always find someone who has been in a worse position than me. The number of times I have come home feeling really good with myself because I have made someone's day by making conversation with them and have left them laughing. It is the best drug on the market.

One thing that upset me more than anything in the beginning was the memory of Peter's last three months struggle with his bowel/liver/lung cancer. I couldn't get it out of my mind. Had I done the right thing, keeping him home, instead of a hospice? But since speaking to other people they feel the exact opposite so who knows what is right? I am learning to live with these memories a bit better now but still am caught unawares on occasions when hearing certain music or meeting someone who didn't know Peter has gone.

I keep reminding myself that I only have one life and I have to make the best I can of it, otherwise I have wasted my time. I am so grateful to our friend for his advice but also that I have the sense to listen to his guidance. I am interested to know how others are filling their days?

Out of the mouths of babes!

2010-07-04T10:20:10Z

Hi everyone! I feel the time is right for me to lay my emotions open regarding the last 16 weeks (today) since my beloved hubby Peter passed away!

In the first couple of months I did what I knew I had to do, arranging funeral, paying bills, in my name. Sorting out Peter's clothes, etc. Pretending things were being dealt with in a normal 'bereaved' way, trying to put on an act for the family, friends and neighbours! I managed reasonably well which surprised me. I thought....this isn't as difficult as I presumed it would be? I was quite proud of myself and the family took a step back letting me cope in my own way.

I brought in the builders, had walls knocked down, doors blocked up, .....I've had seven bells knocked out of the place. These were all plans we'd had in our heads for a long time but looking back now, Peter wasn't well enough to think about doing it. Then came the dreaded diagnosis and that was our big project forgotten about. Our big project from then on was to get this disgusting cancer out of our lives.

After a 14 month struggle we were told there was no more fighting left and so the last 3 months of his life were the longest and worse months imaginable. He had been given the tiniest hope of having a treatment which we were going to pay for, if he was found compatible. It was going to cost £10,000 approximately but he didn't ever get to find out if it was possible or not. As it happens I have since found out it was not! So I am spending this money on our plans for the building work and 'our' new kitchen, at least something good will be done with his treatment money and I am sure he would have been well pleased with the finished product, the family are impressed!!

With all this work going on around me I have managed to keep very very busy and only have my unbearable sad moments when I go to bed at night when I am on my own out of sight of the family. So far this has worked reasonably well with only a few break out moments in between times. That is until this last few weeks. I have finally hit the wall. It started with Father's day which happened to be his birthday too. Then two calls from the garage, one on Friday and another on the following Monday, asking to speak to Mr H, Then a service reminder came through the post for his motorbility car? I'm afraid the Managing Director is going to get quite a letter to open when he arrives in work tomorrow!! They have all tried blaming each other........what are computers for?? Then I had his tax to sort out. All this was getting me more and more distressed.

The final blow came on Thursday. I had gone to pick the two youngest grandchildren up from school. As I don't drive this is now a bus journey and a bit of a walk and it was the first time of going back to 'our' house, from school, without Peter being with us. We were walking up the hill on the way home and the youngest was daudling. I tried to hurry her along and asked why she was so quiet? She thought for a minute then asked 'Is Bamper still dead Nanny?!' .... A couple of minutes after telling her that if she still sees him in her memories, he is still around us, she had forgotten the discussion, and was chatting about something else.....I have been in bits ever since........

This may sound so silly to the many people on here who, thankfully, are not in this situation, but I have got to the point in my 'loss' where realisation has just dawned........he's not going to be coming home!! And I now regret all those times I spent on the computer instead of being cuddled up on the sofa with Peter. I regret all those times when I was so tired, I slightly begrudged sitting with him, holding his hand through the night, I cannot blame, not being trained for nursing, on that thought!

I am trying to cheer myself today with the memory of travelling on Concorde, ten years ago this weekend, to New York. It was a trip of a lifetime........and am I glad we did this now. Also of retiring 8 years early........another good move!! We have had a good 40 years together and for that I am very grateful, not many of you on here in this situation have got that much of a memory bank and of course our wonderful children and grandchildren, priceless...... so I will end on that note!

Please, if you are reading this, in a similar circumstance, soon to lose a soul mate......make every day count!! I send my love to everyone I have been in contact with and hope you are all coping as well as can be expected. Will try to catch up with you all soon. Lots of love and support.

Cherryl

People are so kind!

2010-03-20T20:18:17Z

I cannot believe how many people have sent condolence cards, letters, flowers and food this week. My neighbour made me a lovely Victoria sponge and a friend made me a spag bol to heat up for my dinner. My eldest daughter has been feeding me too and yesterday I had decided to walk down to the village to have my hair cut, go to the solicitor to pick up Peter's will, order the flowers for the funeral next Thursday and go for an appointment with the bank. I wanted to do this myself but my youngest daughter 'just happened' to be passing my house as I left it (we live in a cul de sac in the corner of the estate!) So I did manage to persuade her to let me walk back home and was so proud of myself..........not one tear passed my cheek.

This morning I received a beautiful letter from the Oncologist, stating that he felt awful being the bearer of bad tidings to Peter each time we went there, especially as Peter had been so brave in all the treatments he had endured with no good outcome. He has offerred us an appointment to go see him if we have any questions regarding Peter's care as it may help with the grieving process!

The bank was hysterical. The manager was trying to persuade me I should use a solicitor. I said I was perfectly capable of dealing with a simple will with little work but I think he thought this a silly idea. He then carried on about our Insurance payments, he couldn't understand why I was making three payments a month....I pointed out that one was buildings, one contents and one an emergency cover. He said that he (Lloyds TSB) could do better than that for me........I said, that's interesting.......it was you I dealt with????? I was then able to tell him that by Wednesday I had sorted out the pensions, bereavement benefits, funeral arrangements, car insurance, breakdown policy, Inland Revenue and lots of other things.

The only thing I have messed up this week is I didn't include the girls in on the vicars visit. I had typed out a nice story covering Peter's life but not asked them if they had anything to add. I feel awful now but will contact the Minister on Monday to rectify this. I was trying to save them anymore grief I suppose. We are not having a religious ceremony so he is going to ask people to reflect on Peter's life instead of saying a prayer. After he read the story he said he felt as if he knew Peter well and that he had a good sense of humour and we had had a good life with lots of adventures. This is exactly what I was hoping it would portray!

I find that if I keep busy I am fine but little things start me off. The one thing I had not thought of before is.... I am known as Nannie Camper to the grandchildren but because I don't drive, the camper will be sold. The 9 year old said I cannot be known as Nannie Camper anymore but has given me the title of Nannie gardener!! Doesn't roll off the tongue so well but guess I will get used to it. He phoned this afternoon to ask if I can look after the sunflower he has just planted.......I am honoured! I hope I don't let him down.

This has been the longest week of my entire life, it seems as if Peter has been gone for a long long time not just a week. I suppose it is right really, we hadn't eaten together since Christmas, he couldn't stand the smell of cooking. We hadn't been out together since before Christmas either. I think I am still on the relief trip, relieved that he is at peace at long last. He was a larger than life character so I should have guessed he would put up a good fight. RIP Peter I love you so much!!!

Cherryl xxx

Gone but never ever forgotten!

2010-03-14T20:02:33Z

Hi Everyone

Sadly Peter, passed away this morning at 10.00. It has been a very long weekend, Sam, Tim, Nic and Russ have been staying here with us since Friday which has been very nice as I could concentrate on him totally! It has not been an experience I would wish on my worst enemy, he was not ready to leave us quite now so when he went it was a huge relief. We have had such brilliant support from the District Nurses, there is not enough money in the world to pay for what they have done for us, especially this weekend. We were having to call them every two hours to give him more pain relief but it was never too much trouble, even during the long nights. This morning was nice because his favourite nurse helped him through his last part of the journey, he always had a smile for Sarah.

Peter was a trouper, he fought a long hard battle over the last 17 months. This is such a sad loss to our family and he can never be replaced. Today I feel relief, tomorrow is going to be another story, he is finally at peace though and that to us all is the main thing.

Once again, thanks for all your support. Will be back in touch in the near future.

Cherryl xx

Thought whole point of Palliative Care was to make the patient comfy?

2010-02-23T10:36:05Z

As you know, Peter was admitted to hospital on Sunday 14th Feb and it was found he had pneumonia with an underlying virus. They kept him in an assessment ward for 2 days until transferring him to the Respiratory Ward in the same hospital. He has struggled on with his breathing even with the oxygen and has not been able to eat, or even drink much at all. He has terrible heartburn and was really feeling poorly. Has been sat up 24 hours a day with very little sleep in between due to the comings and goings of a busy ward. Most of us know this old story!

Peter's lungs are full of fluid as is his abdomen. The abdomen ascites is what is causing the sickness because of the strain on the stomach. This has also been affecting any medication he has been given over the last 10 days. Sickness tablets, morphine etc has not really been very effective. As we know nothing about medicals much, we sat watching him deteriorate before our eyes. The drainage of the lungs and the abdo could not go ahead due to the Warfarin causing his INR levels to be so high. They stopped the Warfarin on the 15th February but his blood carried on getting thinner and thinner, which is OK-ish for someone suffering from clots caused by cancer thickening the blood but not for a surgical proceedure. They couldn't really work out why his bloods were not thickening up again while off the Warfarin but he was on antibiotics which could be why! Saturday he finished the antibiotics so we have fingers x'd things will get better for this week. The Doc did say last Thursday that if things were going well Peter could have the drainage done, in three stages and be home by next Friday.

Couldn't contact anyone over the weekend regarding him coming home, ie: District Nurses etc because there is nobody available to speak too. So we sat patiently waiting for Monday morning when I could start ? arranging for him to come home. In the meantime the nursing staff, including the Sister on the ward were running themselves ragged trying to cope with the D&V virus on the ward, it is horrendous. I have to say, the staff are all wonderful but shattered.

So, yesterday I contacted the Macmillan Nurse who has been assigned to us and surprise, surprise, she is on holiday from Friday for a fortnight. We have met her twice in the 16 months Peter has had the cancer that is all! So she told me to contact the District Nurse to arrange for an airbed to be delivered for him. This he needs now because he has a Grade 1 pressure sore and has got this sort of mattress in the hospital at the moment. The DN started going on about him not having it when they were looking after him and why does he have it now. She moaned about getting a mattress. She asked what the Palliative Nurses were doing? I said he had not seen any! She asked why he didn't have a syringe pump fitted? I didn't know? This apparently is how they get any medication into the system pretty well straight away. I am so concerned now that I seem to have to find things out for myself!!

Peter had the syringe pump fitted at 8.00 last night, so something got moving at least and when I phoned this morning they said he was much brighter. He phoned me a little later and said he had had some breakfast and did not have any heartburn. I cannot tell you how happy that made me feel and cheered me up no end.

Then 10 minutes ago I get a phone call from Peter to say the Registrar had just been to see him and they have decided not to do any more invasive things to him, so will not be draining the lungs or abdo afterall and they are sending him home on oxygen. They reckon his lungs and abdo will fill up again because it is cancer after all! He is gutted, I am gutted..... I asked for the cancer not to be mentioned to him at all. Even the Oncologist yesterday didn't mention anything at my request bless him. I have phoned the palliative people and they are going to find out why the change of plan for Peter's comfort! I am so so scared. I have tried phoning him back but cannot get a reply, they won't let me onto the ward if I go down even. He needs me to be there and I'm not WHY WON'T ANYONE LISTEN TO ME!!!

Will give an update as and when I can.

Cherryl

Snow, snow go away....come another flippin day!

2009-12-21T07:19:55Z

Woke up at 04.00 it's getting much colder

grabbed my pink blanket to wrap round my shoulder

Snuck down the stair my knees...how they creek....

the banister rail needs dustin this week!!

I'm tryin to be quiet cos hubby is snorin

watchin repeats on the telly... it is so borin!

Then I think to myself... My neighbour? His lift?

Hasn't turned up for work? then I notice... THE DRIFT!

Now I've set off in a mad panic

I've a dental appointment my depression is manic!

I can glide down the hill but how do I glide back?

Do I wear my warm duffle? Or pink pacamac?

My wellies are green with big froggie eyes!

My boots are 'cool' ....stiletoed to thighs!

Then I think... bugger it!! I'll get me a glass....

steradent and dentures and crank up the gas!

Cherryl xx

Poor Gingerbread man!

2009-12-19T12:53:20Z

Hubby, this morn, as he arose from his bed

announced he would bake some Gingerbread!

He weighed plain flour, sieved to perfection,

while pushing dirty dishes in my direction!!

At this point I have to say

never before has he cooked ****until this day****

So first attempt was not ...well great

and out of ten he cremated eight!

One poor man lost his head

and the other one, his limbs were shed

as he tumbled off the spatula

across the floor...they skidded far.....

I ran for the torch to shine a light

under the fridge and what a sight?

fluff and dust ...the lid of a can

but no severed limb of that gingerbread man!

Then sadly I spied a trail of crumbs

yes...you've guessed it...his little thumbs!

His legs, his arms his hands and toes

were hanging off my hubby's hose!

Love and laughter!

Cherryl

The sun has got its hat on...hip hip hip hooray!

2009-12-18T19:07:38Z

The sun has got its hat on

hip hip hip hooray....

so we decided to enjoy

every minute of this day!

We set off wrapping presents

in ribbons and Christmas tape

but a glass or three of sherry

left them wrinkled with a gape!

Next to deck our hall with holly

some ivy and mistletoe

but while tottering on the ladder

hubby's colostomy let one go!

The fire alarm above his head

set off in shrieking mode

which had the neighbours running

up and down the road!

Next to fill the kettle

to make a cup of tea

tripped over last years fairy

and fell upon my knee!

Unfortunately the tree lights

were still attached to fairies thong

and the water from the kettle

shorted out the whole street long!

So we had another glass or three of sherry

for himself and me

collapsed in front of the fire

and napped till half past three

On waking..... the garden it was sparkling

with freshly fallen snow

where did the sun with hat on

and our precious minutes go?

Cherryl xxx

Another kick in the teeth!

2009-10-28T16:52:02Z

This morning our son in law rang, offering Peter a fantastic FREE trip to Germany, visiting a racing car workshop. Staying the night then the following morning driving on a race track with one of their cars. This to him, is the best thing that has happened since his diagnosis last year. He has been walking around like a Cheshire cat.

We had let our passports lapse but that was not a problem. Phoned the Passport people and they told us how to get one within the next 2 weeks. Problem solved. Arranged to have our passport photos done with no effort at all. I did all the right things, in the right order by phoning the Onc to ask his advice re insurance. His secretary gave me a few places to contact and wished him Bon Voyage! I then settled back to arrange said insurance.

I phoned, I begged, I cried, I threatened, in the end I even lied!

All Clear only do 2 nights.

Free Spirit 4 nights.

Medi Travel Cover will not insure him while he is on chemo treatments and insist he has 2 clear weeks and 1 clear blood test.

Saga, no,

Age Concern, no. So I lied to the

Post Office (well I forgot to mention the big C) = £7 for one night.

Beginning to think, he could cope with 1 night if he feels poorly? What does anyone else think? He is so disappointed. This trip is just what the Doctor ordered so to speak. I am not really cross with these Companies as I understand he will be on his 2nd week of chemo and his immune system is next to nothing. But on the other hand.......the pleasure would have been a real high, which is what he needs right now.......he might never get the opportunity again!

Help!

Cherryl

Cancer Care Cymru!

2009-10-02T19:10:57Z

Just read a report on our local news to say that Cancer Care Cymru, our local based charity, have now run out of cash. The Specialist Nurses that have been appointed to patients in our Cancer Hospital at Velindre, Nr Cardiff and Royal Glamorgan Hospital, Llantrisant, for the last few years, finally finished today.

Peter and I are so sorry to hear this and will miss our allocated Specialist Nurse Jane Humphries. We'd like to thank her for all her support since his diagnosis a year ago. We don't know how we would have got through this year without her help.

We know that Macmillan is always there for us but losing this other support will now put more strain on them.

I wish I could wave a magic wand and spell a whole load of cash into all the charities but I can't!

Found Positive Lady but where is everyone else?

2009-09-18T22:13:21Z

I feel like I'm in the sea and I cannot swim (no really! I can't swim) I think I am suffering from what my husband calls Instruction blindness. I know if I ask for help or actually READ THE INSTRUCTIONS I will find Gary, Esme, Jen, Ann, Ribbsie and everyone else?

Bowel (Rectal) Cancer with liver mets

2009-06-28T21:38:43Z

Hi Is there anyone on here taking Milk Thistle? It was recommended to a friend to take for her liver. Does anyone know anything about it please? Cherryl

Benefits and Allowances!

2009-05-21T14:59:58Z

Hello one and all I am writing this to tell people who have not been receiving anything regarding Benefits, Allowances or Blue Badge how we came about what Peter has received and how! He was diagnosed with Bowel Cancer October 08. While we were at the Consultants meeting we were introduced to a Cancer Care Cymru Nurse Specialist who informed us that she would help us with all the relevant benefits etc. At the time, for obvious reasons, we did not take this into consideration. About six weeks later Peter started his chemo treatment and while we were at the Oncology clinic in January 09, a colleague of our Nurse Specialist met him and asked him to sign some forms she had filled in for the Disability Living Allowance and for a Blue Badge. She couldn't say which rate he would be entitled to which ranged from Low, medium to high rate. This would be decided at a later stage. She also asked if I worked, I said no and she told me I would probably quality for Carer's Allowance if Peter was awarded a medium to high rate DLA. He had his operation on 15th April 09 which left him with a Hartmanns resection and a permanent colostomy. Some liver mets were also found and now he is on a more aggressive course of chemo with a view to a hopeful liver resection? A fortnight ago he received his High Rate Mobility allowance of £49.10 and High Rate Personal Care allowance of £70.35 per week, backdated to April 4th. Yesterday he received his Blue Badge. On the 7th May I applied for the Carer's Allowance and received that yesterday, backdated to 6th April. Apparently we can now claim a Council Tax Benefit, I did try to download the form but had trouble with it, not only that I found it quite difficult to understand so will leave it a while until I have spoken to the Council themselves. Carer's Allowance is awarded to people under Pensionable age, after that it is Attendance Allowance. The High Rate Mobility Allowance enables him to lease a car on Mobility. This £49.10 will be paid to the garage instead of him every week and means he has 3 years worth of free comprehensive car insurance, car tax, RAC Recovery, windscreen cover, tyres and servicing. A huge worry off our minds regarding transport! I believe there are many other benefits out there for the younger cancer sufferers regarding work and it is well worth looking into as we all need financial help at a time like this. You and all your families have worked hard and paid taxes for these benefits, so please don't let it pass you by. Cherryl and Peter

Everyday living........how do you all cope?

2009-05-17T14:30:27Z

I have been sitting here wondering how each and every one of youl cope with the everyday stress and strain of living with cancer or caring for partners, parents, children, family and friends, I am interesting to find out how you do it? I am sure others would appreciate reading your stories also. For instance, our family and friends praise us on our attitude to all that is happening at the moment and cannot understand how we are keeping so upbeat, our answer to this is: . If we were down and in deep despair, how many people would want to keep in touch with us on a regular basis? . If 'doldrums' is a treatment side effect...get help or give help! . Go online, help others needing support on one of their 'doldrum' days! . Go online asking help from others on one of our 'doldrum' days! . Check our stress level everyday....the sherry bottle is still half full since we opened it in October 09 on diagnosis day! . Keep cool, calm and collected (easier some days than others I know) . Nothing has happened yet! We are dealing with it...a day at a time! . Could be sitting here watching telly, unaware of what is going on in his body! Perish this thought!! But everyone on here has their own way of dealing with stuff! Some like to know the nitty gritties and ins and outs of everything, some laugh through it, some have phobias to conquer and some just survive having lost their soul mates (they are the brave ones) Please add your opinion to this blog. Cherryl and Peter

Bowel (Rectal) Cancer

2009-04-14T11:44:08Z

Peter's cancer in a nutshell. Nagged him senseless to go to the Doc's for a checkup last year, due to altered bowel habits,especially at night and falling asleep more often in the day than he was allowed! So after lots of sulking and arguments he finally went [October 08]. What stopped him was that he was scared of needles and knew he would have to have some blood tests! Doc found the tumour during her initial 'gloved' examination. He had his bloods taken, without passing out, which is normal for him. Following week received an appointment from the Surgical Specialist and also appointments for an MRI and CAT Scan that week. Went to hospital following Monday [November 08]. Specialist examined him again and took a biopsy. The Monday after that we were being told the devastating outcome. Went home and finished off our Christmas sherry! Started on capecetabine tablets, which thankfully were taken at home, 2 weeks on 1 week off [December 08], then before starting on second cycle went down with a chest infection which was dealt with immediately. So on Christmas Day he started back again, it went well with the sprouts and cranberry sauce. Side effects were splitting of the skin around the fingers and a very sore mouth and splits in the tongue and of course, the tiredness. This was hard to accept for him as he is never ill so it is hard to get around the fact that you are taking tablets to make you poorly when you weren't ill in the first place........the tumour was forgotten!! I dosed him up with lots of Manuka honey and hot Ribena drinks. In order for him to eat his meals he would rinse his mouth out with the Deflam mouthwash given by the Oncology Doc. Five days after finishing his second cycle he started on his chemo/radiotherapy. The capecetabine tablets were a lower dose than previously taken but there was no break, he took them for 35 days. The radiotherapy at Velindre hospital was five days a week for five weeks. The first three weeks he was driving down. He was getting weaker and weaker and finally we were sitting at some traffic lights and he fell asleep almost. This is when the nagging started up again! Every week he went for his review.....they would ask the same thing......'how are you?.... he would reply 'Oh! I'm okay!' So at the next meeting I told them that he wasn't OK and he was getting very down and was muttering more often 'What's the point?' He even refused to speak to anyone who phoned and didn't want the kids and grandchildren there because he was getting very emotional and didn't want anyone to see him like this. The following morning they called him in to speak to the Macmillan Radiographer, a very nice lady who got him to talk about his feelings and every negative he was coming up with she calmly answered 'We are doing this to you!' She explained that it was fatigue and that it affected the whole body and mind and made him feel so tired he couldn't be bothered to think straight. It was not that he was not coping well, which is what he kept telling me! He did feel a little better after speaking to her and getting it off his chest. She told him that he MUST accept the help offered to him by his family and friends. I phoned around them all and they arranged all the transporting between them. How naughty was I feeling now for not learning to drive all these years now!?! Since this time I realise that by asking for our daughters help finally, it made them feel less worthless by doine something for us for a change!! The last weekend of the treatment he was getting worse, he was very burnt down below where the radiotherapy was based and was feeling wretched. I phoned the Oncology Department and the Doctor called back a few minutes later. He told Peter to stop the last couple of days worth of capecetabine but come down on the Monday for the last radiotherapy. His painkillers were doing nothing for him so I managed to get him an appointment later on that morning with the TEAMS doctor at our hospital. He was a very nice person who didn't really do anything but he sat listening to Peter and patting his hand occasionally. This was the best medicine Peter could have had at that particular moment.......silly but true. Before all the treatments started I brought a single bed downstairs which was a great help because Peter was not so isolated from the family. The grandchildren would sit beside the bed with their little games machines or a book while their Bamper slept through the day. Children are very understanding.......we do not give them the credit they deserve in dealing with 'situations'. The Radiographers told him that he would still be feeling rough for up to a fortnight after the finish of the treatment. After 10 days he was still no better and was of the opinion that he would be feeling like this for the rest of his life. On the 12th day he woke up and came down for breakfast, the sun was out and we sat on the patio, it was quite warm, considering it was beginning of March. We had lunch out there too. We were sat in the lounge in the evening and he suddenly announced that he was feeling better..........really better! Since then he has not had one bad day! He stopped his pain killers three days later! He has been gardening, cleaning the car and generally pottering around the place. He doesn't even have a sleep during the day, except when he has had a pint when we have gone out to lunch!! So, we are sitting here this morning waiting for the hospital to ring. He was given todays date, 14th April 09 to be admitted for his op tomorrow. I phoned to ask if a bed was available, as was requested on his admittance letter, to be told there was no bed. They will contact us this afternoon if one becomes available! The same old story really......it is a very difficult thing to arrange......beds! Anyway, when he does go in he will be having an AP Resection (abdominoperineal) which means he will not longer be classed as an a**h*l* when he upsets anyone and will be having a 'bag for life' which I have already told him cannot be replaced by Tesco. He has had a meeting with the stoma nurse who explained more than Peter really wanted to know and was given a colostomy pack to try out, with a pretend stoma to stick where it was most comfortable. I don't think the top of the head is a great place for it and am hoping they will talk him out of this when they admit him! He will have two large incisions one from belly button down and another from scrotum up so will not be farting in tenor anymore. Phone has just rung! He is going in at 2.00. Will keep you all informed. Cherryl and Peter