Caroline W M's blog

My life has changed forever

2009-10-18T10:00:15Z

My husband died on the 2nd of October and only 6 months from his diagnosis of Kidney cancer. It had already spread to his lungs on diagnosis then a couple of month ago discovered the disease in his brain. Even although I had some time to get my head around it all I still sit and think what has happened? I sometimes cant understand what I am feeling it is too great to deal with. We were together for 33 years married for 30. How can I deal with life without him? I havea terrific family and good friends. Anyone out there to share this with me?

Feeling Guilty again

2009-09-05T20:43:32Z

Hi all AGAIN, I should have added to my last blog which I have just sent that I am feeling awful tonight. My husband (told this before so sorry to repeat) is having problems with his "working out" memory and has mood swings (sometimes like an aggressive drunk) and when he goes to bed which is sometimes early evening he knocks on the floor for me to come up as he cant work out the remote control on the TV. Thsi will happen LOTS of times. Because I was tired I kind of jokingly said Im going to take this baseball bat away!!! (he use it to knock on the floor to me) He wasnt happy and took it wrong. I have found myself going up anyway as he hasnt knocked down. Am I never happy??????? I feel awful as I really dont mind it is just relentless just now. I should never have said it. He isnt well and can't help it. Although again feel bad for thinking this but he must remember that I said to try not to knock so much. Sorry just a moan tonight!!!! Caroline x

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2009-09-04T05:25:30Z

I wrote before about how my husbands mood swings are difficult. Yesterday wasn't good. we had a small window of reason but that was it. I managed to get to the shops for an hour with a friend but all the time wondered how he was, and shouldn't have as was sound asleep on the couch. I have to contact someone today again, going to phone the cancer nurse and go into Maggies as he is being very unreasonable, sometimes doesnt make sense and confused too. I know I have to say but at the same time feel I am telling tales. It is heartbreaking to see him like this. We are supposed to be going to ENT today as he had a cancerous cyst removed from his ear few weeks ago. How can kidney cancer be in your ear?lungs lymph brain and bone (thats a tiny bit though). Been awake from 4am. I don't seem to get much bed space these days!!! Plus my mind seems to get active the minute I waken briefly. Sorry all for moaning a bit just getting it off my chest. Caroline xx

All in one day!!!!

2009-09-02T20:18:31Z

Today started bad with my husband having been up during the night when he seemed much worse. I phoned his cancer nurse to explain. I was really concerned. However a short time later (once steroid kicked in!!!) he was great. We got out for a walk and he was in good spirit and thought his sight was clearer. We had a few visitors a good friend of his and close relatives. My daughter and son in-law my son and his girlfriend were coming for tea. Tea-time saw a change in his mood. Because I had lots of company it lightened the load!!!! It was like he was treating me like a servant ordering me about. If he realised I know he wouldnt be doing it as it is out of character. Sounds weird but I was pleased that it was seen by my family. They have seen it before but in small amounts. Somehow it felt ok because they were there. Does that sound silly??? I know that everyone believes me but sometimes I find myself saying "honestly I think you must think I am making it up"!!!! Lets see what tomorrow brings. I ended up phoning the cancer nurse again to say he was great later as I felt as if I had done him an injustice telling her he was not good earlier. Life is such a roller coaster ride. It used to be a few weeks at time , then a week at a time, then a day at a time. Now it can be up and down a few times in the day. Fingers crossed the night is good and the morning brings another good day.

Dealing with my husbands cancer

2009-09-01T21:41:52Z

Recently it was discovered that my husbands kidney cancer is also in his brain. This has had an affect on how he is dealing with his condition. He is extremely emotional crying a lot but also the disease is affecting his moods and can change from one minute to the next. This is very difficult and find myself getting impatient having to repeat myself over and over as his short term memory is also affected. I feel very guilty even although I am finding patience that I never thought I had. Does anyone out there have experience of this? Or any suggestions on dealing with it? I have great support from family and friends but this is all difficult and would appreciate any help. Caroline