Carol's 2010 Blog

My Reluctant Journey - some news tomorrow.

2010-08-17T20:27:00Z

Here I am sat here watching all of the Big Brother Video bits - I decided to watch Big Bro 24hrs a day, so paid to have it on this screen.

It is nearly at an end and I feel like I am nearly at an end. I am only just beginning and will finally get my biopsy results tomorrow. As soon as the results were back, we were booked in straight away, no time to spare - we were told the results were suspicious. I already know that my Left Kidney has to be removed and we have been waiting to see what was on the Right kidney! So here I am, getting constant heartburn! I have never been a sufferer before and now the burning is so painful. Some polo mints and Zantac have helped to relieve it. I guess the only good thing is the fact that I am not so scared of being hospitalized, having had a good experience when I had the biopsys' taken.

Time to be Brave ...... I will let you all know what happenzzzzzzzzzzzz Carol xx 17/08/2010

Reluctant Journey - Time to Breathe.

2010-08-11T19:53:00Z

I have come to a 'moment in time' where I can just breathe the sea air where I live and for a short moment forget Cancer ever came in to my life. BUT Driving my car today I was stuck behind someone who was going so slow, I was almost shouting 'Hurry Up - I havn't got all the time in the world' and when I see something I want I just think 'Have it! I havn't got long, so I may as well enjoy it' - All very tongue in cheek

For me, I have to make a joke of it, or risk people I know being embarrassed because they don't know how to approach the whole subject. Today when I went down to the Village to post some parcels in the local Post Office, everyone went quiet, usually they have a chat or just say 'Hi how are You?' - so I waited and the silence continued, so when I was finished I said Bye and disappeared off to the Building Society, where it was almost the same there. I have known all of these people for years and it feels so strange. I don't mind them ignoring me, it saves me from having to answer them - I guess it will improve in time. Mike my Husband has told them all about me and my cancer - mainly I think, it makes his life easier too. When something is on your mind so much, that people say - What's the matter , You are not your usual self - and of course everything spills out, so for Mike it was easier to say that he has these troubles on his mind.... I hope that makes sense??

I have been continuing to sell items on Ebay and that is keeping me fairly busy - it all helps. I have loads of collectibles which has taken me years to collect and now I just think, the more I sell the more things we can have! The trouble is - I start looking to see what other people are selling and I end up buying another collectible because I am then thinking that I might as well buy it because Why Shouldn't I? I am not long on this earth. We are all allowed to think whatever we want, so allow me the time to think of all the stupid things in this world and forgive me if I offend anyone with my crazy thoughts.

I am in a muddle and continue to tie myself in knots but do feel less stressed at the moment - so I will continue to try and just Breathe In The Sea Air Where I live and For A Short Moment Forget Cancer Ever Came Into my Life!

I have known for one month that I have Kidney Cancer and at present it is still in my body. How I wish we belonged to BUPA !

11 August 2010.

Reluctant - Surgery - biopsy taken.

2010-08-06T14:35:00Z

Hi everyone, I am back home and happy again, although I felt like I was in a Hotel at QA on D7 ward. I had my own room and an en suite bathroom. I had my tele paid, so while I waited for the afternoon surgery I had something to try and concentrate on. I had a book to try and read but I couldn't see the words! I had my glasses on, so no excuse. I was supposed to go to Theatre at 1.30pm. It was to be almost 2 hours later when the Surgeon Mr Walmsley was found! He had finished surgery on E level and had gone to the ward but had forgotten me! Eventually he found his way back to me, so I had to walk into Theatre and once there the ghastly needle (cannula) was pushed in to the back of my hand and the pain killer put in first and then the stuff that gets you off to sleep. It certainly did and I don't remember anything at all apart from waking up breifly in recovery but I don't remember getting back to the ward. I remember having a lovelly cup of hot tea and sugar! and then later on a glorious cup of hot chocolate and then drifting back off to sleep, only to wake up at 2o'c am, so I had my tele on in my 'Hotel' room and after an hour I was back to sleep until breakfast time.

The Dr's came round at 8.30am and I still wasn't properly awake. A Dr. told me that my Right Kidney was normal and my left kidney has the tumour there and all I can do now is wait for the out patients dept to get the results and see what comes after that. I feel a litlle confused and wish I could have thought to ask the doctors what the spots had been? They say so little sometimes and when the whole group came in I felt so small and insignificant! I will probably have to wait 3-4 weeks before I get those results, so must just get on with my life for now and try and forget all about it. Mike, my Husband rang one of the Nurses who is linked to us and he has left the questions with her, so will find out any more info. if there is any.

I am Back for now and I really do want to Thank You all for your supportive emails, it does help me. I know I am not the first along this road and won't be the last but at times I guess we all feel like the only one. We stopped at the Co-op on the way home and I now have a lovelly box of Cadbury's MILK TRAY to eat and some English Strawberrys and Double Cream.

Simba the 'Shih Tzu' was pleased to see me and had a cuddle that seemed forever - he has now gone back to his blanket and is now asleep.

Mike my husband, has made a Bird's Trifle for me and some Orange Jelly with mandarines in it for me also - he is a Diabetic so has to be careful! There is so much to eat but I must also be careful as I am not as small as I used to be. I am heavier than I have ever been!

I must go now, I can hear the strawberrys calling me.............

Bye Everybody.... a Happier Day for me. Friday 6th August at Home. XXX

My Reluctant Journey - at last!

2010-08-04T23:15:00Z

I don't know what is the matter with me but I have found it so hard to even write about my Cancer. Me and My Cancer! My Cancer and I! Which ever way I look at it, it is still with me and almost not a part of me. Although IT IS and this is why I have been trying to ignore it.

Everything seems to take so long but finally I go to Theatre tomorrow (5th Aug.) for a biopsy on both kidneys. My Consultant, Mr Solomon has already told me that I have to have one kidney removed and the other kidney has 'spots' on it, which he will be able to tell me more about after they have had a closer look at it. I have already decided that the spots are somewhat ominous and will think the worst to avoid disappointment.

So what is wrong with me? Why do I feel so low? - All of my friends keep telling me to be positive BUT as most of us who walk this way know, it is not easy! - it almost seems like living a lie because I feel I have to pretend to be POSITIVE in front of people to keep Them happy! It wears me out, so now I have decided to stop listening to others and keeping myself calm by staying at home with my Husband Mike and Simba - (Our Shih Tzu).

So This Is It - I begin the Journey reluctantly - I used to work on a Surgical Ward in the 80's and one of the consultants was a Mr Slapak, who used to do all of the kidney transplants, when they had the unit at St Mary's Hospital - he did other Surgical procedures on the ward I worked on. You get to see a lot of things and we had to accept it as it was in those days but I remember seeing patients come back from the Theatre after having had a laparoscopy to explore the cancer, it was found that nothing could be done, it was too late, so the Surgeon closed the wound and sent the patient back to the ward, for palliative care. In those days I firmly believed that once a Cancer has been cut into - the blood cells spill from the cancer and OFF they go around the whole body .... I still believe it now. Maybe that is why I have trouble accepting it, the reason why I am so RELUCTANT. I must sign off and get myself sorted.

I have a bed waiting for me at 11am in the morning, at QA hospital - booked for Theatre in the afternoon. All of my Friends are praying for me and that is all I can do. Wish Me Luck. I will let you know how things go. The adrenalin will start pumping tomorrow and it will give me the strength I am looking for.

Signing Off.... Carol LONG ....... and her kidney cancer.! 4th August '10

My Reluctant Journey continued

2010-07-19T17:56:00Z

Date 20th July 2010. Hello to Everyone and a massive Thank You to the people who wrote after my first Blog. I really do appreciate the help that you Guys and Girls give. It is not easy as well you all know. The Spinnaker Tower was on the menu for me today, being a belated Birthday treat. The three of Us went, the three being Me, Mike(Hubby) and my Cancer! It really has taken over everything. I am walking along and I almost want to scream to everyone that I am walking around with my Cancer! What that means I hav'nt a clue. My Kidney has Cancer.. Is that kidney still functional? Where else has the Cancer gone? Self-contained in the Kidney or soaring round my body in my blood. Tomorrow / or should I say Today (we are now after midnight) is the day that I go for my pre-op assessment and I wonder what is in store for me. I must remember to tell the Doctor or whoever I see, that I do not want any Junior Doctors putting drips in me and I do not want anyone to try and put drips in my hands.. I can't bear my hands being restricted! What am I like??? People will get bored with me because I am going to be the worst patient ever. It's true ! Nurses make the worst patients! I am a Nurse although now retired. I trained in the Portsmouth Group and worked between The Royal Portsmouth, St Mary's Hospital and the Old Queen Alexandra Hospital. I qualified in 1977 after 3 years of training. In my lifetime I have nursed for 20 years and have really loved the work, it is so satisfying. I must get myself off to bed now and see what my appointment brings tomorrow. I have to be at QAH at 9am. Wish me Luck! * I go to Theatre on the 5th August, for the Biopsies.

My Reluctant Journey.

2010-07-17T22:36:00Z

Well, This Is It .. I don't know why I have been chosen to take a journey I have no wish to go on - BUT this journey is here for a Reason? Be it for me or for someone else. Is it a punishment? I don't know! Is it as a reason for something that happened in my past? A beastly side effect for all of the experimentations of having IVF x 6 tries - IVF was full of Hormonal starts/Hormonal stops and other awful drugs which pushed my body to the limit and sadly for me, it never did result in my having any children. So, it seems that I am trying to make some sense of what is happening to me - I feel like I have already started Dying! Does anyone else feel like that? I see that look in people's eyes, when you tell them you have cancer and they look back at you and you can see DEATH staring you in the face because that is what people think the minute the word CANCER is spoken. Lucky Me Eh? I have known about this illness for just over a week and it is a lonely illness because it is within yourself and no-one can share the burden of it - they can share kind words with you but can't lift it off of your shoulders. This is my START and I must remember to put the date first in future. Today is Saturday 17th July 2010. I have just had my 57th birthday, so I have had a good run, as my Mother would say.