Carlie

Hi

2010-07-08T08:47:32Z

This is the hardest post i have ever written so bear with me. There is 2 things i need to say to you all.

1. Im Sorry

2. Thank you

Im sorry if i have caused you pain or grief, hurt or upset. Clearly i didnt think very hard before what i done. I know that most of you know what happened so im not going to repeat it.

Thank you to everyone who has PM me or left messages - i have seen all the posts and i have to say you all touched me - i didnt realise so many of you cared.

I cant explain why i done what i done i had had enough i suppose. The past few months its like i have been going round in a bubble well time to get back to the real world. I promise i will do everything i can to get through this - no more hiding.

If anyone wants me then please feel free to PM me im not sure if i will be on chat - at the moment i dont feel quite comfortable - i dont know why it might ease off its early days.

Once again Thank you everyone.

Megan x

Im Sorry to you all xxx

2010-07-03T22:26:54Z

You all must be thinking by now Here she goes again! Last one i promise, the tears are flowing as i am writing this x

I would like to say a big thanks you to all in chat who over the past few months have helped me in any way especially you johnoconnor im really grateful that you took the time thats first day you got me talking - you gave me the kick i needed to open up.

I have tried so hard over the last few months to get myself sorted but losing my daughter has really gave me a bump. Still now 6 months on i dont understand why her - why a four year old who had her whole life ahead of her - its beyond me.

Chat has been a lovely place to be and im so glad i have found you all, and i hope in some way i have maybe helped some of you although very unlikely at the moment.

People keep asking how i am but i cant explain all i know is im not me im not megan and i know that doesnt make any sense but hey....which is why i feel like i dont belong here anymore and i am wasting everyones time.

I also want to say sorry to everyone who has had to listen to me moaning on and to say hopefully i wont be bothering you all again after tonight.

Once again thanks so much and Goodbye - will miss you all loads xxx

Megan

Why cant i speak

2010-06-27T22:39:32Z

Why when someone asks how are you cant i answer honestly....

I am stuck at home every day and night on my own, usually crying. I really dont know what to do. Im stuck.

Im so dissapointed in life i cant even explain it right. WHY. WHY my little girl she was only 4 and had her whole life ahead of her. When i was with her at the end watching her suffering was the worst pain i have ever felt. I would have done anything to take that pain away or even swap places with her.

Now shes gone there seems to be no life for me now, i dont want to live on without her - so making myself ill seems to be the way im dealing with it - like it takes my guilt away. I know that sounds silly but thats how i feel. Empty inside seems to be the new thing like a huge part of my inside is missing. Im so angry that she has been taken from me so quickly after what seems like only days.

Sorry for going on but i just had to get thats out.

Grow Up - Most annoying

2010-06-20T22:24:15Z

Hi Guys - Sorry im having another ranting session here

Im 26 years old, My world was perfect with my husband and my newly born little girl 2 years on my wonderful little life took a knock when my little girl was diagnosed with leukemia. When i lost my little girl in December i though there was no way of going back to being happy i was devestated. On Monday my mum passed away and her funeral was on Friday. Needless to say i dont know what to do with myself, Im all alone with noone to turn to. Im making myself ill by not eating - silly thing is i know im doing it and wont stop. I have barely slept this week whick is probably why im in this foul mood.

Anyway i find this lovely place where everyone in the chatroomn has been a great help, i have been so overwhelmed by the messages of support i have recieved. Im so pleased i have found it. Tonight i was speaking to a trusted friend whom i have met on here in private. Fair enough i was moaning as usual but the reply i got really hurt me. They basically told me to stop moping around and grow up. I snapped and she left withought me apologising and i now feel really bad was i wrong?

Me Myself & I

2010-06-18T15:20:31Z

Well thats it now all over, im now on my own.

My adoring mum left this world on monday evening and i let her go this morning at her funeral. Now everything is so final. In the last 6 months i have lost my darling daughter and my wonderful mum.

Im left now all on my own with noone to go and have a cry with when im feeling down, noone to run to when i need a hug, noone to tell me everythings going to be alright.

at the moment i feel like i have been hit by a train, and if my time on this earth were up it wouldnt bother me one single bit. I just want to hold my little girls hand once more and tell her hoe much i love her and think about her

Thanks Megan x

I thought i would share this with you...

2010-06-13T22:10:08Z

I opened the Sunday Mail this morning ( local sunday paper) and my eyes could a small paragraph entitles SUNDAY SERMON

Im not religous in any way shape or form infact i usually turn the channel over on TV when anything to do with religion comes on, ignore folk when they are talking about religion etc. However this paragraph i have been reading over all day and cant put it down

"I thank my god every time i remember you" - Phillippians 1:3 A well meaning person told a woman at her husband funeral "someday you'll be able to forget" " Able to forget?" the widows expression made it clear that she had no desire to forget. One of the most precious gifts God gives us is the ability to remember. Yes there are hurts and disappointments we should forget, but God gives us cherished memories. Cling to them whenever sorrows come. Never let todays burden erase yesterdays blessings.

Thanks

Megan x

Shay

2010-06-12T19:09:47Z

Hi Guys,

before i start, im sorry every time i right a post, or chat to you im always moaning about how im feeling.

My best friend in the whole world gave birth to a beautiful baby boy the other day. It took her a whole day to call me and tell me her good news - her excuse - she was scared she upset me. All i could think of was - Have i been that bad that my best friend felt she couldnt talk to me.

I thought i would be fine - i love children. I went to see them both today, her first words to me when i arrived was I hope your not jealous, i know i have what you always wanted. I was so angry, why would i be jealous how so insensitive.......................

When i saw her wee boy ( Shay) all i could see was mylittle girl - Is this normal, i couldn't wait to get our her house.

I feel really bad now though as i think i might have been a bit rude with her. I havent been able to stop crying since...i sat for an hour when i got home clutching Carlie's blanket - I miss her so much - why couldnt it have been me she had her whole life ahead of her - i dont understand.

Carol-Anne or Carlie

2010-06-09T09:27:19Z

I remember when i fell pregnant, it couldnt have been better timing. Me and my husband had been trying for nearly 3 years, and finally it had happened. My pregnancy was really easy i had no problems what so ever. When i went into labour my beutiful little girl was here within 3 hours she was a healthy 6lbs3. Carlie she was perfect in every way.

The first 2 years of her life just flew in, she was perfect in every way. Then she started getting very unwell, docs said at beginning it was a viral infection. The viral infection never cleared up, she was sent to Yorkhill Childrens Hospital in Glasgow for different tests. To cut a long story short she was diagnosed with Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia.

Carlie fought so hard to fight and was in remission 11 months later. The relief was overwhelming we had our little girl back. A month later the cancer was back and it was very agressive. Carlie lost her fight just before Christmas 2009.

I cant believe that my perfect little girl is now no longer here with me. I am going through everyday life like a zombie feeling so empty. I am constantly crying all the time. I cant eat, I cant sleep. My husband ( so called) told me last week he thinks im heading for a break down and he just cant bear to be around me.

I have been in chat for the last few weeks but i feel uncomfortable talking sometimes. I hate bringing the conversation down. When people ask if im okay, i cant say no im terrible so my usual answer is okay even though im screaming inside.

Anyway im sorry i just needed to get that off my chest, thanks for reading

Megan x