Cancer bits and pieces

The truth

2012-04-14T16:42:23Z

This is a post to let everyone know that the information on this page is not true.

I do not have cancer, I made it all up and there are no words to describe how low my actions are.

I have been to the Police and I will be getting help.

Even though sorry offers little for my actions, it is heartfelt.

Helloooooo

2011-09-27T16:02:39Z

Well that was confuzing to fynd!!!!!!

Just lital messig to say fank u, to evry1. I fink of u all the tym and I miss it heer. I WILL get beta, is blimmin hard work but i tryin. Is not eezy, sumtyms I wan to stop, coz it herts, but today I feel gud and that helps lot.

Nex week is hopeful get my gamma startid. That wil b scary, is all v scary.

Now I am tiyrd! Fink is nap tym agen.

Love love love love love to u all.

Fank u 4 messigs on heer and on my fb , u keep my hart happy

Cadee xxxxxxxxxxxx

chemo is yuk

2011-08-13T11:23:38Z

Ugh... chemo is yuk. day 6. 8 days more of thees tablets + i can hav a rest. Fink the anti-sickness r finly workin. But my tummy is sor from bein sik + so is my froat, so wen i cough it herts a lot. Got my haircut today tho, kept getin in my way wen bein sik!

Barts hav agreed to c me... no promis of gamma but step in the riyt way.

I feel lyk all i do is sleep... am so tiyrd.

I hayt chemo.... it beta b workin coz i gotta do 5 mor of thees cycles, wiv a chemo spine injection nex tym... owch.

Gotta keep troopin on.... sumtyms it is hard to do tho.

Fanks for support

xxxxx

At leasts its not PCV!!

2011-08-06T11:28:02Z

Lets start wiv the good stuff. The Barts thing is looking hopeful, they want mor info abowt me, so fingas crossed it will work owt an they will lov me and they will want to tayk me ther and giv me gamma gamma treetment.

On to ova news... I desided to hav chemo, my onc finks it has a gud chance of working. He is using a diff combo of drugs, carmustine and procarbazine. So carmustine on day 1 thru an IV and the procarb is tablets wich i tayk on day 1 - 14 and then i get a lital rest for a few days b4 doin it all agen. It will tayk me to december. Is mad to fink is that long away.

I fink this is gunna be a tuff slog, I just hope it is worth it... that is all am worrid abowt, I don wan do all this for nuffin. So let the butt kikin begin!

xxxxxx

Gud news... I fink

2011-08-01T18:26:36Z

Fownd owt today that the rt I hav been havin on my back to tayk away the presha has worked and the presha is much less and my spiynal cord is no longa been compressed. Good news.

Also, my consultant thinks he can get me referred to St Barts to start the process of asking for gamma treetment. He says they will want me for shaw as i am one of a kind

He also wants me to think abowt chemo. He thinks it will help the groin tumas, and tayk them down. But I am not shaw bowt chemo, the one he wans to giv me i reactid to badly b4, so he gon luk at ovas.... the only fing is my tuma dusnt normally lyk chemo... i am no shaw it will do much gud. This onc is much mor positiv bowt fings.

I dunno, I feel lyk most of this news is gud... an ev1 else is celebratin.... but I am not. Wot is rong wiv me? I shud b happy.

Finking beta now

2011-07-30T09:26:02Z

I hav waykd today wiv payn I can deel wiv. It dus not hert lots + lots wich is such a releef. It still herts but that kind of payn i can tayk, I hav had no extra payn killas so far, jus wot I am ment to hav.

My new plan of acshon is to proov thees doctas rong. they say my legs will not wawk...but i can wiggal my tows!!! So today I will moov my feet and mayk them darnse!

Feels beta to be in a hosp I hav been in befor. I prefer it heer, I mooved hosp yesterday. Still need to get sumwair wiv the gamma / cyber knife as it is my onlee hope of gettin parst a yeer.... and i got lotsa plans that i jus don wana miss.

Still on my daily rt until tuesday i fink, helpin wiv the payn and spine cord compreshon. It is eesia to fink an feel ok wen the payn is less lyk now.

Fank u to ev1 hoo has left me a kind messig, i reed them all and they help me not alon. Love my mac family xxxxxxx

Payn + payn

2011-07-28T17:49:59Z

I fynd fings getting harder and harder

Why is lyf so unfayr?

I feel lyk my hart is herting mor eech day an i don no how too mayk it stop

I feel lyk I hav fayled every1 bcoz i am no betta... i fink fings r worse than eva

I'm sorry

I onlee cry wen it herts... it feels lyk all the tym.

xxx

tomorrow

2011-07-19T16:23:10Z

Tomorrow is meeting wiv oncologist. I reely don no wot to expect. He will have luked at the scans more and hav more result for me. He will no wot if any treetment they can giv me to tayk way sum of the symptoms.

I just want them to sawt the payn. I got new pills, they are a bit beta. Sometyms the payn is less but then coms bak agen. I still hert mor than i dont. Niyt time is worse.

I am fyndin it v hard, v v v v hard and jus do not no wot to fink. I am gowin to lissin tomorrow an see. I no ther is no cure... so i am not gowin in ther with the hope of miracles. I gow hopin not to hav payn.

I am scard, but mor scard of upsettin peepal arownd me.

I feel lyk I will always be herting sum1

But I wud lyk to say fank u to ev1 who has left me a messig... they are all so luvly xxxxxxxx

Not wot I want

2011-07-18T09:53:37Z

I feel lyk I did sum fing very bad in a pass litf in order to be gettin this much crap from the big C.

It has spred to my surround lymph in my groyn and i have a new tuma in my spiyn. It is paynful. It herts and herts and the payn mayks me cry as it neva stops. And then I feel bad for say how much it herts as i no peepal r tryin to help... but I carnt stand it much more. I do not wan do it, if it gow b lyk this for the days left.

I want a day off from this. Maybe even half day or a hour?

Is all so kwick and its herting my hart.

All I wan is this payn to stop and gow way, plz?

Off I gow

2011-07-08T11:07:39Z

Wellll... I am off on a lital brake away (to scotland yay)! A very niys serprise. I will tayk it very eezy. I fink that week away shud b givon to all peepal hoo are wayting for results!!!!! Waytin is no fun.

I am wayting for scan result to see if my brain tuma has gon and how my second tuma is dooin... I no ev1 say to stay postiv, but I no is got biga. Is jus 1 ov thos fings u hav a feel for. I reemayn cawshus ov thees fings.

My speeking has got beta! I can reed owt sentinsis... it is harda to fink of wot to say off top my hed but I gettin ther!!!!! Soon I b bak to normal. Hav bin fyndin fings reely reely hard, but I hav sum amayzin frends hoo hav keeped me gowin, an will keep push me long the way. So wen I feel lyk I carnt do it anymore I kno I jus tawk to them an they mayk me feel I can agen.

To ev1 that has wishd me well... fank u and love to u all xxxx

Bumpy rowd

2011-07-05T08:13:38Z

I seem be on a bumpy rowd. In hosp more than owt of it.

Need my frends love, fyding it hard.

Oncologist on weds to tawk bowt re-start treetment, hav scans and see wot my tumas r up to.

Tym get bak to my cancer fiyting

Has to be winned soon ryt??

Fank mac fam

2011-06-12T10:53:38Z

I say fank u.

Fank u all giv me love, kind word and hold hand all way long. Fank all hoo say prays me, hoo keep sayf in my hed and ther hed. All hoo say gud luk me and arsk how i be.

Be on mac mayke my smyal. Help me get beta, mac my famly.

Word nev enuf to say how feel, hard tryin say i want to. I lernin speeks all gen and words and all be gud try help me. I get fusdated and feel stewpid lots. I no fink ov words I want an wen cadee tawlk on mac, peepal wayt 4 me and help fink.

I slow get beta, i will. is coz my mac famly i do. I hav sum no nice peepal IRL say no niyc an meen fings me. but hear all peepal say, cadee u no stewpid, u good. Help keep gowing wen i no want to. U mayk my hart hert less and keep mayk me wan fiyt. U mayke larf wen i wan sad an u mayke cry happy. U mayk me no giv up.

So, fank u not much but i get beta an show all can do it. B a presint enuf?

Cadee xxxxxxxxx

Predator - poem

2011-02-21T22:47:09Z

Predator

The dreaded C word everyone fears

Laying in wait, like a preying tiger

Anticipating the perfect moment to pounce

It has you sight, you have no escape

Fear, shock, disbelief take over

A wave of emotions crash down on you

Further and further you sink, down and down

*THUD* that’s the sounds of rock bottom

The tiger is strong, BOLD, and mean

Ready to begin the chase, the game

You are the prey and it wants you

Run, quick, you have to play the game

A lowly animal against a ferocious beast

You hide… quiet… and hope it goes away

But it’s smarter than that

… It waits

As you take one step, so does the tiger

It catches you and pulls you under

Sharp, gleaming teeth tearing through your flesh

Pain radiates and teeth sink deeper

Its grip tighter, its hold stronger

But the game can’t be over. Not yet

… You fight until you’re free

Wounded the next round soon to begin

Someone must win…

Cautious and aware of the pain you stumble on

Through the unknown praying you’ll succeed

The peace fades as the footsteps echo in the dull air

Louder and louder, you know it has returned

The chase resumes, both eager to triumph

But only one can

Shields you have built, slowly worn away

Your body screams in defiance but your mind ignores

“Fight” a voice demands “fight”

Shocked into silence both prey and predator freeze

The voice rages on “fight, fight, fight”

It needs action, it commands action

The tiger cowers

It retreats and uneasy calm ensues

The war has not been won

It has only just begun

The odds are stacked against the prey

Weak, sickly, tired, they whisper

The journey can’t stop now

Battles must be fought, the pain must continue

Weary but not defeated, rest is welcomed

Eyes are closed and the body relaxes

Relying on others to guard and watch

Batteries charged… but never enough

Silent footsteps sneak up, circling

Another blow is dealt and the tiger is back

Knocked out… you must get up

The pain keeps coming and wraps you in its arms

It envelopes and its all you see and feel

Pain becomes your complete existence

But while the tiger is strong, you have power

You have the voice, the fight

The war rages on

Neither side giving up

Both growing tired and weak

How much longer before the predator gets the prey

… or the prey is free from the clutches

waiting… in a never ending game

A poem I wrote while undergoing treatment for my brain tumour.

Cadee xx